


Countdown

by MeNemNesa



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Anxiety, F/F, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Health Issues, Okay remember when I said not dark?, Past Drug Use, Romance, Slow Build, Soulmate-Identifying Timers, Well it's not dark, but it sure is a hella more angsty than it was supposed to, discovery of sexual preference, don't worry it's not as dark as it sounds!, it gets rully angsty in the middle but if you make it through there is fluff!, lots of feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-07
Updated: 2016-08-02
Packaged: 2018-05-31 20:56:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 111,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6487129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MeNemNesa/pseuds/MeNemNesa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>We have all seen the post about soulmate identifying timers, right? Well that's it, that's this fic.<br/>In a world where it people get timers somewhere on their body counting down to when they meet their soulmate Clarke has always been proud not to have one, until now. Where as Lexa is still grieving over the loss of what she believes to be the love of her life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [glaurie](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=glaurie).



> First of all this is for my friend Glaurie, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!  
> Okay, so this has been me trying to continue the 52 short stories in 52 weeks challenge I started at the beginning of the year, but this might have turned out into a multichapter fic? It won't be wicked long though! I am thinking like3-4 chapters. Anyway the prompt I used for this was: week 10 feature a countdown.

She had just stepped out of the shower and was drying her hair when she looked in the mirror and saw it. “Shit!” She threw her towel on the floor and leaned closer to the mirror, brushing her blonde hair behind her shoulder. Right there on her collarbone had appeared the faint trace of a timer. This couldn’t be happening; this wasn’t supposed to be happening. All the books said if you didn’t get the mark by sixteen you wouldn’t get it at all.

She groaned with annoyance, rubbing the markings to try and get it off, but she knew it wouldn’t work. “Clarke, dinner!” she heard her mum call from downstairs. She called back “I’m coming.” and quickly got dressed, making sure to cover the timer. She tried to push it from her mind, she’d worry about it later.

When she came downstairs her mom had already set the table and was obviously waiting for her so she quickly sat down. “Sorry, it took a little longer than expected to get all the paint off,” Clarke started to apologise, but Abby raised her hand and smiled. “It’s alright, it’s not the first time you come home covered in splattered paint, and it won’t be the last.”

Clarke couldn’t suppress the answering grin, as she remembered a few of the other times she had come home all painted on, so she just nodded “true.”

Clarke was a lot quieter during dinner than normal. Usually she would enthusiastically talk about the progress she'd made with any of her art in class, or what new idea she had. But today, her mind wouldn’t let go of the timer, it kept popping back up in her mind. Abby noticed and tried to keep up conversation, but quickly realised there was no point really, everything she said she had to repeat at least twice and even then Clarke would just mumble something. She knew her daughter would tell eventually, if she wanted to, so she just focussed on the food.

When they were both about done Clarke couldn’t hold back any longer. “So, mum, can I talk to you about something?

“Of course, sweetie,” Abby replied sincerely “you can tell me anything, you know that.”

“Right,” Clarke agreed “See I wanted to ask you about timers.”

She looked at her mother expectantly, but Abby just let out a good-humoured, but slightly exasperated laugh before nudging her daughter’s shoulder. “Clarke! The way you started I was convinced you’d want to drop out of art school or something, but you just want to ask about my research? What do you want to know?”

Clarke sent her mom an apologetic smile “Sorry. I just wanted to know, is there an age limit to when you get it?”

Abby, who had gotten up and was placing their plates on the counter thought for a second. “Interesting question, I suppose there is no real age limit, since new people get born every day, and from what we know of epigenetics, even the expressions of our genes can change during life. So there is always a chance of finding a previously unknown match. but to be honest, it almost always happens before 16. I think less than 1% receives their timer after, if they get it at all that is. Why the sudden interest?” She turned around to give her daughter a curious look.

Clarke just shrugged “No reason really, we were just having a discussion about it at school.”

“Really?” Abby sounded excited “I could come and give a lecture about it if you want?”

Clarke let out a laugh “Mom, no. I’m in art school, the only context we talk about it is when we talk about soulmates and destiny, I’m sure none of my classmates would want to hear about genetic compatibility and evolution.”

At that Abby laughed as well, “I suppose you’re right, at least you know better than to believe it’s destiny, on that part we did well at least.”

That night as Clarke was lying in bed she kept looking at her collar bone. She didn’t know what to think. When she was younger she had always hoped to get a timer; it had sounded so romantic, a countdown that told you exactly how long it would take until you’d meet the love of your life. A lot of the great romance novels and movies featured this fact heavily, which probably helped inforce her ideas about it. But when she got older and could understand more of the work and research her parents did her views had shifted.

Now she knew it was just a way for the species to find genetically compatible mates that could create offspring with the best survival rates, without too much waste of energy. No romance, just evolution. A fact supported by the fact that less and less people around the world actually got their timers. That was the part her mum had been doing research on. Her theory was, that in today’s increasingly complex society, it was not that much of an advantage anymore to get a timer, and that our species was evolving beyond needing timers. The fact that both her parents hadn’t had timers was in their minds support for this theory, and had left Clarke with the subconscious opinion that having a timer meant you were lagging behind.

As she was looking at the hated numbers dwindle, she realised she hadn’t even really seen what it said, how long until her timer would run out and she would meet her genetic ‘match’. Not that she cared really, she had already decided she wasn’t going to listen to such primitive instincts, besides she had Finn. But that didn’t mean she couldn’t be curious, right? So she wrote down the number 72748843 and started doing the math, she would meet this person in about 2 years and a few months. She snorted, of course she would.

She scratched out the numbers, crumbled the paper and tossed it towards her trashcan. She should really try and go to sleep, and in the morning she would see what concealer she could use to mask the timer.

* * *

 

At the same time across town there was another girl, stroking the scar-like timer on the inside of her wrist while a few tears streaked the layer of grime and dirt on her face. For once Lexa had decided to lay a bit away from the fire, seeking more privacy than she would usually do. She knew the risks of being on your own, she had relied on others, and others had relied on her often enough for warnings of cops, drug dealers, or other people who were looking for trouble, safety was in numbers. But not tonight, tonight she didn’t want to share with anyone. She just lay there underneath her tattered, old blanket, looking at the pale seconds on her wrist ticking away. She thought back to this afternoon when she had first noted them.

She had been helping with the unloading of a truck filled with fruits and vegetables, a hard and labour-intense job, but since the owner had known she had been Costia’s friend she could probably come and help with unloading every week and take over her position if she showed she could do it today. That would mean a steady income, even if it wasn’t that much, any kind of financial stability was nice.

But even as she was moving the boxes she wasn’t sure if she could keep doing this. She had known it was hard work, and she had known Costia was strong, but not this much. It almost seemed that even though she had been able to not cry herself to sleep and went to sleep without drinking for the first time in months she was more exhausted than she had been before. She just didn’t understand, shouldn’t you feel better once you had accepted the death of a loved one?

She supposed that getting this job was going to make her life better. And with that she forced herself to get up and grab another box of oranges. Eight boxes later and Lexa was already questioning her decision to be more responsible and was cursing the oranges, Costia, and this stupid job.

She was wiping the sweat off her forehead at while the owner got her money since the truck was now entirely empty, when she noticed a smudge. She took a better look at her wrist and her eyes widened in shock as she realised they were the vague trace of numbers ticking down. A surge of happiness so intense that it made her feel a little giddy overwhelmed her, she hardly even noticed the money she got and just stuffed it in her pants without checking. She mumbled a “See you tomorrow” while walking away without a destination really.

Lexa ended up under her favourite tree in the park, she just kept checking her wrist wondering if it would still be there if she looked. But every time she was comforted by the countdown, while the numbers became more and more visible. She spent the rest of the day napping and sometimes wondering who this person that was destined for her would be, whenever she gave it too much thought however, Costia’s face would come swimming before her mind’s eye and tears gathered in her eyes. So she quickly stopped thinking about it, knowing that if she pushed herself too much she’d break down and end up drinking.

And now here she lay stroking the timer the few tears had become a stream a while ago. She just felt so conflicted. At the one hand she was really happy. The timer meant there was someone out there for her, waiting for her, someone that would just click. But at the same time she felt incredibly sad and angry that that person wasn’t Costia. Because more than anything she had always thought and believed Costia was that person for her and that they just hadn’t had a timer because they had always known each other.

She also felt guilty for wanting to meet the mysterygirl as she had come to call the person to whom the timer was counting down. And even weirder she was also angry with this mysterygirl, because who was she to think she was better than Costia? So her thoughts kept spinning and before she realised what was really going on she noticed the sky was already starting to turn pink. She groaned as she sat up, apparently last night’s sleep had been a onetime thing. Still she didn’t feel exhausted. She got up packed her blanket, stuffed it in her rucksack and headed to the grocery store to unload another fruit filled truck.

* * *

 

It had been a little over 2 years since the timer had appeared on Clarke’s collarbone and she hadn’t given it much thought since then. Soon after appearing concealing it had just become a step in her make-up routine, and she had hardly given it any thought anymore. She never even thought about who this other person could be, except in dreams she would sometimes have about it.

And tonight was one of those nights. She woke up with her heart hammering in her chest, but not in the way that is usually associated with anxiety, it was a warm kind of feeling. This always happened when she had one of her timer dreams. She had found it weird in the beginning, but now she just thought of it as a way to remember her dream. She knew that if she just got up, maybe drank a bit of water it would go away and she could go back to bed and sleep in peace.

So when the feeling disappear she did just that, only feeling the smallest twinge of guilt as she saw Finn sleeping without a care in the world. The guilt had lessened over time, but still whenever she had a dream part of her felt like she was cheating. Which was of course absolutely ridiculous, or so she told herself, it wasn’t like she could choose what to dream after all, it just happened. And she didn’t even dream of an actual person, she’d just see some flashes of different scenes in a beautiful forest or meadow with her and someone just visible in the distance clearly laughing or talking while walking hand in hand. Everyone had those dreams right? She filled up a glass of water and took it back to bed, taking a few sips before curling in on herself and going back to sleep.

She was in her studio putting the finishing touches on her latest painting when her phone started ringing. For a second she stared around the room in confusion trying to locate the sound before she realised it was her mobile phone. When she saw Finn’s name flash she got worried, he never called during the day.

“Hello, Finn?” She answered her phone and was greeted with a loud but cheerful exclamation. “Clarke! Hey. I’m so glad you picked up, I thought that maybe you wouldn’t have your phone with you, sucker of inspiration you know.”

Clarke laughed “I could have, but you’re in luck, because as you may notice I have it with me. What’s up? You sound too happy for something bad to have happened… right?” The last part was added on because she still had this weird feeling in the pit of her stomach.

“Bad? Huh, no. Not at all.” Finn replied sounding confused. “Why would it be bad?” He started to sound suspicious now. “Can I only call you if there’s bad news? Don’t you like it when I call?”

Clarke let out an exasperated sigh and pinched the bridge of her nose. Why was he always so distrustful? “That’s not what I meant, Finn. I’m sorry, I should have explained better. I’m just surprised because you don’t usually call during the day, because of your job, you know?” She tried to keep her voice as light and cheerful as possible, knowing that anything less would just be more of a reason to argue.

“Right,” he still didn’t sound convinced, but she could also tell he didn’t want to continue arguing. “But I called you to tell you I got a promotion!”

“Wow, Finn, that’s great, congratulations! Clarke cried out happily! “We should definitely celebrate tonight. What do you want to eat? I’ll cook whatever you like.”

"Uhm well” Finn sounded hesitant “My boss invited me to dinner to hash out the details you know, and I sort of already said yes. That’s okay right? You’re not angry are you?”

“Oh okay, no of course I’m not angry.” Her smile had faltered for a second, but quickly returned. “We will celebrate after you get home with a glass of wine or something.”

“Hmm that sounds great, honey.” Fin replied, but he sounded distracted already. “But I have to go now, I have to get in a meeting. Love you, bye.”

Before Clarke could utter a reply he had hung up already. She rolled her eyes at his impatience, but also smiled. That was Finn for you, extremely excited and focussed one moment, but the next his mind was a thousand miles away.

* * *

 

Lexa tried to open the door of her sister’s apartment while holding her phone between her ear and shoulder because her arms were filled with groceries. She looked up when she heard someone laughing, to see Anya, her sister, sitting on the counter eating Chinese food out of a container.

“You could help me.” Lexa mouthed, but Anya just shook her head with a grin. At that Lexa just shrugged and let go and everything fell on the floor. An outraged cry left Anya’s lips while she jumped down from the counter and towards all the groceries on the floor. “Now all the cookies will be broken and my fruit will be bruised!”

Lexa laughed as she turned to close the door “Well, sucks to be you, doesn’t it?”

But she froze midspin when she heard the words “excuse me?” coming from the person on the other end of the line.

“Fuck, I mean shit, no I mean I’m sorry, I hadn’t realised you picked up yet. I was talking to my sister.” Lexa wished for the ground to swallow her whole, and aimed a kick at Anya when she saw her literally lying on the ground laughing at her.

She was in luck though, the person on the phone was laughing herself. “No worries, siblings are totally be the worst. Anyway why did you call me?”

”Uhm right, is this Raven Reyes?”

”Yes.”

“Yes? Okay great,” Lexa was relieved she finally got the girl on the phone, she had been very hard to reach. “You posted an ad for a roommate in the laundry room of this building and I was wondering if I could come take a look.”

She took a deep breath, hoping Lexa would say yes. “Well first what’s your name? So I can google you and make sure you’re not a serial killer.”

“Of course, shit, I’m so sorry. Also I’m sorry I just said shit again, I am making the worst impression. I swear I'm usually not as crude. My name is Lexa, Lexa Woods.”

At this point in the conversation Lexa stood bent over the counter with her entire upper body resting on it and she was about to smack her head down a couple of times. This was going absolutely dreadful, there was no chance in hell this girl was going to allow the weird girl on the phone she was being in her apartment let alone allow her to live there. But to her surprise the girl just gave her the address and they agreed that Lexa would stop by the next day after work.

“That sounded like it went pretty okay.” Anya smiled up at her from the ground, where she was still lying down and had now started to munch on the grapes.

“Yeah, it was, I think? Now I’m worried that girl might be a wacko or something.” Lexa had gotten up and settled herself on the floor besides Anya, putting a grape in her mouth as well.

“What? Why?” Anya asked in surprise.

“Isn’t it obvious?”

“Not to me.” Anya replied.

Lexa rolled her eyes “I was a being a total spas, an absolute weirdo, and she just gave me her address. Someone like that can’t be in their right mind, can they?”

At that Anya rolled her eyes “Lexa, be serious.”

“I am!” she replied indignant.

“Well then you’re an idiot. You weren’t that bad, you were just flustered is all. It happens to the best of us. And from what I could hear she sounded like a perfectly nice girl.”

At that Lexa nodded, because after all it had been true, this Raven girl seemed pretty cool.

That night she kept tossing and turning, she just couldn’t find a comfortable spot. She blamed the couch, it had been a life saver when she had been allowed to crash on it about a year ago. But a year on anyone’s couch was too long, even if that person is your older sister.

When she thought the time with her sister she automatically thought about the timer and mystery girl, so she glanced to see the timer, noticing how close to zero it had gone, it had about 150000 seconds on it now.

She hadn’t really realised, but to be honest she had no idea how close that was, would it mean a day, or a week? She didn’t know, she knew she could calculate it, but she didn’t want to. She wanted it to be a surprise, she felt like that was the way it was supposed to be.

Thinking of the moment that the timer would reach zero and disappear made her feel a little melancholic. The numbers had been something to hold on to for the past two years. It had given her a purpose to fight for when she had long stopped fighting for herself.

She still got sad when she thought back to that time. She got sad because she missed Costia, because of the horrible way Costia had died, because of who she was before everything happened.

She had been a different person back then. She had been young, and she realised now naïve. She and Costia had been in love, just moved in together and they felt like the world was at their feet. She hadn’t been scared of anything or anyone. When people commented or called them names when they were on the street Lexa responded by kissing Costia or calling back. It had mostly just been fun to shock people who were stupid enough to be so rude.

That was until they had been in the wrong place at the wrong time. They had both been drinking and dancing all night. They weren’t drunk, but inebriated enough that they couldn’t stop kissing each other and had to lean a little on each other on the way home. Then they ran into a group of guys who started calling names and daring them to make out. They had laughed and given each other a quick peck and tried to walk on, but it hadn’t been good enough for the guys, they wanted more. In the end it had led to both of them being beaten up badly enough that they landed in the hospital. Costia had never regained consciousness, and by the time Lexa had Costia had already been buried.

Everything had gone to shit since then, she had had hospital bills she couldn’t pay, her rent had been too much, but all of that would have been dealt with. She had just given up, she had rolled into a pit of depression and despair and refused all help. In the end she slept in shelters and sometimes outside, spending any money she had on anything that could numb her pain and make her last another day. It had been the worst months of her life, and she had caused the people who loved her a lot of pain, she still felt guilty about that sometimes. She hadn’t had the strength to change it, she hadn’t even had the strength to want to change anything, all she wanted was to not be sad for a short moment.

At this point Lexa was crying so hard she was afraid she would wake up Anya so she fled to the bathroom to take a shower. It was her go to remedy, the tears would simply blend with the hot water and in the end she wouldn’t even know for sure anymore if she was crying or not.

Lexa had known this would happen, it happened every time she thought about what had happened to Costia, which was why she tried to think about it as little as possible. This was also where the timer had helped. It made her focus on the future and on herself. Even though Costia was dead, she was alive, and Costia would have wanted her to live her life, she knew that much.

Which is what she had been working on since the timer had appeared. She had gone back to one of the shelters she had visited because she knew they had an outreach program. For the first time since a long time she had been able to keep her job, slowly getting back on her feet. The owner turned out to be incredibly supportive.

Her name was Indra and when she saw how hard Lexa was trying and that she was turning her life around, she offered her other jobs. It hadn’t been easy, she really had to prove herself, but that’s how she liked it. She wanted to prove to Indra, to mystery girl, but most of all to herself that she could do this. So her job had changed from unloading the truck to filling the stocks at night, and now she worked behind the register.

About a year ago she had gathered enough courage to try and contact her sister. She had been really scared to, knowing how much pain she had caused her. In true Anya fashion though she had been welcomed back with open arms, though not before being yelled at because she had been so worried. She had been crashing on Anya’s couch ever since. She liked it, and she felt comfortable, but she knew this couldn’t last forever. It was time for her to get back on her own two feet, especially now that she made enough money to actually be able to pay rent.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow you guys! I did not expect so many of to read it and like it. I am clearly not used to write for popular pairings.  
> Anyway I wanted to thank everyone who has been reading it. And if you have feedback, please tell me.  
> Enjoy!

Lexa looked up at the apartment building, it wasn’t nearly as nice as Anya’s was, but it wasn’t as bad as she had feared. She walked in going up the stairs until she was on the right floor, she stood in front of the door and was about to knock on the door when she felt the nerves she had been supressing all day bubbling up again.

Meeting new people was not her strong suit. No one ever believed that because in her job she was able to deal with the most difficult customers without even blinking. But that was different, she had a specific role to play, and she had always been good at acting the part. When she was little she would always stand up to the playground bullies, and on the streets it had been the same.  But when she was just herself and nothing more, just Lexa than all that bravado went out the window. It wasn’t like she was extremely insecure or anything like that. She just felt vulnerable. People judged you and formed opinions about you so quickly, and somehow that scared her.

But she could do this, she would just act like someone who went to see a room to rent. She took a deep breath and knocked on the door. The door was quickly opened by a dark haired girl with a beer in her hand.

“So, you’re Lexa?” She grinned when Lexa nodded. “Well, miss Woods, welcome to my, and maybe soon your, humble abode.” She opened the door further and stepped aside so Lexa could step in.

Lexa walked in and looked around. It looked pretty good actually, it was about the same size as Anya’s living room/kitchen, maybe a little more cluttered, but she liked that.

Then Raven moved into her field of vision. “Let me give you the tour, this is the living room and the kitchen. There is the tiniest bathroom you have ever seen in your life.” She pointed to the door next to the kitchen. “Seriously, you can shower sitting on the toilet seat, I’m not even joking.” Then she pointed to a door at the far end of the room next to the window. “And that’s my room, which I could show you, but what is the point because it is a gigantic mess right now.”

Lexa let out a laugh at that. “Sounds fair enough, I would like to see my room though.”

“ _Your_ room?” Raven smirked, “That’s a little presumptuous don’t you think? I mean who is to say that I even pick you as my roommate.”

 _Fuck,_ Lexa felt her face starting to redden. “That’s not what I meant, I mean I’m really not presumptuous, I just wanted to see the room.” This was going all wrong already. Had she ruined her chances already? “I just thought, it would be good to see the room, because well you can’t really go live somewhere before seeing it.”

As she was saying these things, they sounded so reasonable that she could only come to one conclusion. “You’re messing with me, aren’t you?

“Of course!” Raven declared, throwing her hands in the air. “I can’t believe you fell for it though, it was really obvious. You need to lighten up. She smiled and walked to one of the two remaining doors. “It’s right here, beside mine. It’s not much, but as you can see from the size of the living room this entire apartment is about the size of a nutshell.”

Lexa followed her and looked around, really it wasn’t that bad. Sure it was small, it couldn’t have been more than 3 by 4 metres and most of that was filled by a closet and a bed, but it did have a window. She sat down next to Raven on the edge of the bed.

Lexa decided to just straight up ask, she had always found it incredibly confusing when people kept droning on in polite chitchat without really mentioning what they really wanted to say. Plus, she figured Raven was someone who would appreciate that. She liked the apartment, Raven seemed pretty cool as well, if the price was right then she could see herself living here. “When will your roommate move out and what will the rent be?”

“Getting straight to the point, seems to me like you feel right at home already.” Raven turned around to face her. “You can come live here starting today if you want to. All you need to do is get rid of this stuff and replace it with your own.”

Lexa furrowed her brow in confusion. “What do you mean replace this stuff? She is going to want it back, right?”

“Nope,” Raven drained the bottle and put it on the floor. “She went to Tibet or Bolivia or something to find herself, and for that she needed to leave behind her personal possessions or something.”

“Okay…” Lexa shrugged, and took a good look at the two pieces of furniture. They actually looked pretty okay. “Your roommate sounds pretty weird, but she had good taste.” The more she thought about it, the more trouble it seemed to move all this stuff. Why couldn’t she keep it, it would save her a lot of money too. “Would it weird you out if I kept this stuff? See, I don’t have that much money to spend and the bed and closet both look in good condition so really it would be a waste to just dump it. Also you do know that Tibet and Bolivia are literally on different continents, right?”

Raven just laughed, got up and headed towards the fridge. “Whatever! Who even cares about her anymore. You can do whatever you want with the furniture, as long as I don’t have to help you move I really don’t care. Beer?”

Lexa called Anya the minute she stepped out of the door to tell her she had found a new place to live. They agreed to go out for a drink at the bar close to the hospital where Anya worked to celebrate. Lexa felt elated, she felt like she was once again one step closer to a normal life.

Clarke woke up feeling disoriented, for a moment she wasn’t sure where she was, but it definitely wasn’t her bed. Then she remembered, she had been waiting for Finn to come home to celebrate his promotion. She had put on one of her fancier dresses and opened a bottle of wine, she must have fallen asleep.

She looked at her watch and was shocked to find it was almost 4 am already, she looked around to find any evidence that Finn had already come home. She couldn’t find any, so she quickly dialled his number, only to hear a ringing coming from the bedroom. She hung up and opened the bedroom door to see Finn completely out of it sprawled over the bed.

“Great.” She muttered to herself, she got into her pyjamas and tried to shove Finn more to his side so she could get in the bed as well. “Damn it, Finn.” She nudged him as she whispered as loud as she could. “Finn, wake up!”

“What? What’s going on?” Finn looked around, clearly still hazy from sleep and alcohol.

“You need to move, I want to get under the covers.” Clarke was annoyed, but at the same time he looked incredibly cute sleepy and confused like that. “You could have woken me up when you got home you know.”

“Nah, why would I do that?” Finn yawned as he rolled to his side of the bed, kicking off his shoes. “You looked so comfortable and sweet, so I figured I’d just put a blanket over you.” He pressed a kiss to her cheek, turned around and was already sleeping again before Clarke was under the covers.

The next morning, she woke up, only to notice Finn was already gone again, a note on the fridge that told her he had an important breakfast meeting, they would go to diner that evening and celebrate.  She was actually planning today to be an official business day for her. She had a ton of papers still to fill out, and it had been a while since she had heard something from the gallery she was next in line to get an exhibition, her first ever exhibition. But then inspiration struck and she spent the day in her studio, or what she called a studio, technically it was the small second bedroom that she shared with Finn’s workout equipment. She didn’t care though, to her it was perfect, her own place where she could experiment and try and recreate the images in her mind.

She was ready and waiting in front of their apartment building when Finn pulled up. She got in, pressing a kiss to his cheek before buckling in. “So where are we going to celebrate?”

Finn grinned as he started the car “You’ll love it, we are going to Arkadia.”

“Really?” Clarke smiled happily. “That’s great, I’m glad I decided to dress up then. How did you get us in?”

At this Finn let out a booming laugh, “How do you think? I simply told them that I was calling for the owner’s niece. You have no idea how much pull you have there, Clarke.”

“Finn!” She smacked his shoulder, but she couldn’t help but laugh. “I should have known, but you shouldn’t do that. This means we took someone else’s spot, now I feel bad.”

“Don’t,” Finn replied “I’m sure we took the place of a puppy killer or something.”

“A puppy killer?” Clarke laughed.

“Definitely, or a couple who steals cookies from girl scouts.”

The rest of the carried was spent in thinking up increasingly ridiculous scenarios of how awful the people they replaced had been.

The evening had been great so far, the food was divine and conversation flowed so naturally between them. Clarke was so happy that things seemed to be back to normal, the past few months had been hard on them, but she hadn’t realised how hard until all the stress of getting the promotion had lifted and they could laugh again. She was curious what it exactly entailed, because she had never really got it, and asking Finn to explain again when he was already irritable was basically asking for a fight.

“Can you explain again what the promotion exactly entails?” She asked as she was slowly eating her delicious chocolate dessert.

“Of course.” Finn smiled widely and started to explain. “It’s really an amazing opportunity, I’ll get to lead the entire department from development to actual production. It’s a lot of responsibility, but they said they trust me with it.”

“Wow, that sounds great.” Clarke smiled, but she wasn’t sure she fully understood “But isn’t that your boss’s job? I thought you were trying to basically become his second in command. Is she retiring already?”

At that Finn rolled his eyes, but he couldn’t help but laugh. “No Clarke, that position was filled months ago. Monty got it, though god knows why he even applied, who would want to be his mom’s assistant. Anyway that’s not the point. This is going to be me setting up and leading a new branch of the company at the other side of the country. I’m sure I told you.”

“That’s… great?” She hadn’t meant to make it sound so doubtful, but she was completely taken by surprise. “Is it a temporary position?”

“No,” Finn started to sound annoyed now. “I just told you, they want me to run the entire department. Why are you acting like this is such a surprise?”

This had been like poking a bear. “Maybe because it is!?!” Clarke hissed in annoyance. “You could have talked to me about it, don’t you think? This concerns the both of us. I mean a long distance relationship is pretty hard, and how are we going to afford a second apartment?”

“If this is your idea of a joke, it’s not funny.” Finn had gone stone faced. “We are going to move there together, we talked about this. I already told the land lord.”

“You what?!?” Clarke had raised her voice loud enough to attract attention of most of the tables in their vicinity.

“Clarke, calm down.” Finn hissed between his teeth, “You’re making a scene.”

“I’m making a scene? You bet your ass I am. You can’t just decide this on a whim without consulting me! What about my career, I was next in line for a spot at Polis.”

“Career? What career” Finn honed “the money you make on your commissions? Please, Clarke, we both know that’s chum change really. And you don’t have to worry about that spot at the gallery I cancelled it for you last week. What’s the point of having an exhibition here when you won’t be around anyway, right? I’m sure there are enough galleries in our new town as well.”

He stated it with such calm as if it was the most logical thing in the world, which only made Clarke even angrier than she already was. She could feel her blood start to boil, she grabbed her clutch and started smacking Finn with it while telling him what an inconsiderate asshole he was. This could ruin her entire career; Polis had been her chance!

Soon she realised that by now she really was making a scene, the entire restaurant was staring at them. She had to get away because she was too angry to calm down and stop the rage that was surging through her. She didn’t want this to ruin everyone’s night and impact their opinion of Arkadia negatively.

“I’m leaving.” She stated before she stormed out, but while she was waiting for valet parking Finn caught up with her. “You can’t just storm out like a five-year-old. Let’s talk about this like actual adults.”

“God, shut up shut up!” She whacked him again with her clutch. “I am so angry with you right now, I can’t even look at you.” She turned around and started walking, the car was taking too long.

Finn again went chasing after her. “Clarke, stop. Where are you going? We need to talk.”

“I’m getting away from you.” She yelled back, wrapping her coat tightly around her. She needed time to think, to cool off, too much was going on at once right now and she didn’t know what to do, how she could fix this. The cold air seemed to calm her down a little, but with the calm also came the threat of tears, because she was at a loss of what to do. And with those thoughts her body went into survival mode and her feet brought her to her only safe place that was close enough to walk.

As soon as she got in the building she took her heels off, and headed up to her old apartment. She could hear Finn following her, but she was sure Raven could scare him off. Somehow Finn had always found Raven a little scary.

She didn’t even bother to knock, simply storming into the apartment, starting her rant immediately, trying to get as much out before Finn would come and interrupt her. “Raven! You won’t believe what that asshole did! He cancelled my exhibition at Polis, just like that! And apparently I am moving across the country.”

At that point Finn stormed in and started yelling as well, making it impossible for anyone to hear what either of them were saying. This went on for a few moments until Raven whistled loudly on her fingers. That got both their attention and they turned to her annoyed, but silent. Until then Raven had just stared at the fighting couple, amazed by the hilarity of it all.

“First of all, how lovely of you to barge in unannounced like this. Second do you really think _I_ care what is going on here? Because if you think the answer is yes then you have never been more wrong. Thirdly, have you guys met Lexa yet, my new roommate?”

Raven snatched Lexa at the upper arm and pulled her towards the bickering couple, both of who didn’t give her more than a quick glance. Clarke looked over Lexa to Raven. “You got a new roommate?” Raven simply nodded, but didn’t say anything.

Clarke was about to say something else when she felt Finn’s hand clutch her upper arm and start to pull her out the door. Clarke tried to pull her arm from his grasp. “Let me go, Finn I don’t want to come with you.”

“You can’t go running back to Raven at the first sign of trouble. You’re such a child. Grow the fuck up and act like an adult for once in your life!” Now Finn turned around and she froze, startled by the intense anger she saw in his eyes. “Let’s go,” he hissed “it’s obvious Raven is busy fucking some slut. Probably took over your place.”

Not a second later there was a loud _smack_ because Lexa had gotten up and slapped Finn. She had also grabbed his wrist and pulled it from Clarke’s arm. Her voice was deadly cold, but her eyes seemed to spit fire. “Who do you think you are? I think it’s best if you leave, you’re not welcome here.” With those words she simply grabbed Finn by the collar and basically tossed him out of the apartment.

Raven let out a loud war cry and held her hand up to Lexa for a high five. “That was freaking amazing! I knew there was a reason why I chose you to be my roommate. You’re a badass.”

It took a minute for Clarke to stop staring open mouthed at the girl who had gone back to her place on the couch beside Raven, she looked so small. She could hardly believe that had really happened. “Uhm thanks,” was all she managed to stammer “you probably shouldn’t have slapped him though.”

Clarke was worrying about how Finn might retaliate, should she warn the girl about him, should she run after him and make sure he didn’t do anything. And she was so focussed on her worries, knowing that being slapped and thrown out by a girl would only have made him that much angrier, that she didn’t notice the shy smile on Lexa’s face falter. Soon after Lexa mumbled she should really go to bed and she fled into Clarke’s old room.

Clarke simply sank to the floor, leaning back against the couch and closing her eyes for a second. “Wow, that was a dick move.” Raven stated soberly.

“I know, I don’t know what got into him.” Clarke sighed, taking the bottle of beer Raven offered her.

“Not Finn, I meant you!”

“Me?!?” Clarke turned her head and stared at Raven in shock. What did I do?”

“Uhm let me think.” Raven made a ridiculous face “Oh right, Lexa just helped you get rid of that asshole, and instead of being grateful you tell her she shouldn’t have done it?!?”

Clarke stared at Raven not comprehending what she meant. “Raven, you know how petty he is. She _shouldn’t_ have done it, it’s dangerous.” Then she realised what Raven’s words meant, groaning in frustration with her own ignorance. “She thinks I was saying she shouldn’t have done it because I was protecting him. What is wrong with me?”

“You’re a complete idiot.” Raven offered helpfully.

“Jeez, thanks for the sympathy.” Clarke drank deeply from her bottle before handing it back to Raven “I should probably go apologise.”

“Yeah that would be smart. Be honest with her, she’s a really sweet girl, okay?” And once again Clarke mistook the subtext of this sentence, assuming Raven said this because she was in fact dating Lexa.

Clarke knocked on the door and stepped inside, not waiting for permission because she knew it was unlikely she would be granted permission anyway. She closed the door and froze when she saw Lexa was on the phone, trying desperately to wipe her tears away. “Were you crying?” Clarke asked in stunned disbelief. She hadn’t said anything that mean had she? The girl hadn’t seemed someone to break down easily, but maybe that had all been a front.

Lexa’s indignant denial to her question made her smile slightly though. It seemed that the girl still had some spunk in her.

“I just wanted to apologise.” Clarke started, looking anywhere but Lexa, because somehow that made it harder. “Raven made me see that I didn’t word my concerns properly. I never meant that you shouldn’t have hit him because of him, but I was worried for you. Finn might seem like a loser, but he can turn real nasty when his pride has been hurt. And be sure, you hurt it.” She managed to look at Lexa and send her a kind smile, which Lexa returned.

“So you’re actually staying in my old room? I figured-“ But before she could finish her sentence, asking why she didn’t sleep with Raven the small brunette had interrupted her.

“Are you the soul searching roommate? Who went to Bolivia or Tibet?” Now it was Lexa’s turn to stare at Clarke in stunned disbelief, only for Clarke to be equally confused. “What? No. I moved in with Finn like half a year ago.”

Then everything clicked. “Raven!” She turned around and headed back to the living room. “You told her I was on a soul-searching trip? Why?”

Raven shrugged. “What? Weren’t you? I mean I know you were lost for sure, moving in with that jackass.”

Clarke rolled her eyes in annoyance. “Don’t call him that. Is that why you have been too busy to get together for the past months? Seriously?”

Raven simply shrugged and got off the couch. “Yes, but all that has changed now, right? Finn is past tense, we are back on the best friends track, and” she grabbed Clarke by her shoulders, turning her towards Lexa, who was leaning against the doorframe. “You and my girl Lexa whoot whoot.”

Clarke pulled out of Raven’s grasp and turned around, just as Lexa was making a what-are-you-doing-shut-up-face at Raven. “I don’t know what you are talking about. I just met that girl 15 minutes ago. And I am not dumping Finn.”

“What!?! Yes, you are.” Now it was Raven’s turn to get angry. “He cancelled your show and he wants you to move across country. That is not happening.”

This is my life, Raven, not yours.” Clarke moved her hands through her hair in frustration. “And Finn is right, me walking away was immature I see that now. I need to talk to him.”

She headed out, but right before leaving she turned around “I’m sorry, Raven I’ll call you later okay?”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wowyou guys, the third chapter already! Must be all the positive feedback I have been getting.  
> Also I know this was supposed to be a 4 chapter story,but that is not going to happen, I'm sorry. I am not ready to leave these two yet after next chapter. Their story hasn't been told yet.  
> I hope you'll enjoy and as always do youhave any comments, suggestions or feedback? Please let me know, I love that stuff.

The entire day had gone by in a blur. After she had gotten home the night before she and Anya had sat down and wrote down everything they had to go and buy the next day. It turned out to be quite a long list because Lexa didn’t really have a lot of her own stuff anymore. Luckily this also meant she had finished packing within an hour.

Anya and she had been busy the entire day, going in and out of shops, continually going back and forth between Anya’s apartment and Lexa’s. When they were finally done Anya hadn’t even been able to stay and celebrate because she had an evening shift at the hospital.

That had left Lexa in the hands of her new roommate Raven who was all too willing to look after her. Which was nice of her, but Lexa still missed her sister. Even more so because during the day she had noticed her timer being really close to zero. This meant that she would probably meet her soulmate this evening, and Anya was the only person who really knew of her timer or how important it was too Lexa.

Lexa wasn’t sure what she was supposed to do now that the timer was running out though. Should she stay here with Raven, should she go out? She felt like she should go out, how would she ever meet this person?

Raven had sensed her restlessness, and then it had taken her only two drinks though before she had Lexa telling her. “Why do you want to go out so badly? Aren’t you tired from moving all day?”

“No, not really.” She said while trying to stifle a yawn. It was true that Lexa felt kind of tired, but really was feeling tired a good enough excuse to not go out and meet your _soulmate_? She could already see herself in a few years regretting this decision.

Raven just laughed and tossed a chip cap her way. “You are so lying. I mean I got tired just watching you and your sister carrying stuff all day.”

“Fine, maybe I am tired, but I still want to go out. Come on Raven, don’t you want to celebrate with your new roommate?” Lexa asked sweetly, hoping it would work.

“No way, I really _am_ exhausted, I always get wrecked having the night shift.” Raven said, right as she yawned demonstratively.

“There is no way you had the night shift last night, you were drinking beer when I came to check the apartment out.” Lexa laughed, stretching her leg so she could nudge Raven’s knee. She was amazed at how comfortable she already felt. There was almost no left over awkwardness, while it had been so intense during the first phone call and meeting.

“It’s no problem, I work at the bar a few blocks from here a couple of times a week. And it wasn’t like I was getting tanked or anything.” Raven stuck out her tongue, but she froze mid-movement while her eyes focussed on Lexa’s wrist.

Before she knew it, Raven was leaning towards her and had gotten hold of her hand. “No way! Si this for real? Of course it’s for real I can see it counting down. And it is so close!”  
  
Raven looked back up at Lexa with such excitement and happiness that the other just had to laugh. “Yeah, it’s real. I have had it for two years now I think, maybe a little longer.” She pulled her arm back and hid her hand within her sleeve, before tucking a strand of hair behind her ear with no idea where to look. She still found it hard to talk about something so private.

“That’s why you want to go out, isn’t it? You want to meet this person.”

“Obviously.” Lexa rolled her eyes. “Can you blame me?”

“No, I cannot.” Raven agreed. “But you’re not going anywhere. Because I am really tired and I want to see how this turns out.”

“But-“

Raven held up her hand. “No buts, it’s not every day you get the chance to see two people who are meant for each other meet for the very first time. And I know what you are going to say.” She started in a slightly whiny tone. “But Raven how will I even meet them if I am not scouring the street for my prince charming?”

“I do NOT sound like that.” Lexa huffed as she tossed a pillow in Raven’s direction. “And it would be _princess_ charming, for your information.” The words had left her lips before she had really thought them through, leaving her shocked at her own admission. Since what had happened to her all those years ago she wasn’t really forthcoming with her private information.

“Even better, cuz that’s hot!” Raven grinned. “No seriously though,” She smiled gently, and there was a little too much understanding in it for Lexa to simply file under empathy.

Lexa swallowed nervously, looking down at her sweater and pulling on a tiny hole at the end of her sleeve. “Do you like girls too?”

“Yeah, girls are hot.” Lexa looked up surprised at Raven’s casual answer, by now she figured that it was Raven’s way of protecting herself. She was loud, a joker and always in for banter as a way to protect herself, so all Lexa did was look at her.

Raven let out a sigh and held up her hands in defeat. “Fine, but stop looking at me with those puppy dog eyes, seriously. I find girls very aesthetically pleasing for sure. And there have been some girls lucky enough to get lucky.” She wiggled her eyebrows. “How about you? How are you so sure?”

Lexa opened her mouth and closed it again without saying a word. She swallowed to keep the tears at bay. She hated that she almost had to cry _again_. She blamed fatigue from the sleepless night and moving the entire day. She got up from the couch to stretch her legs, and tugged them underneath her hen she said back down, deciding that she would try and keep it casual. Raven didn’t need to know everything, but she felt like she could trust her enough to tell her some of her story.

“I have had a girlfriend. She had been my friends ever since I was little. We were so close, and she was amazing.” Lexa smiled sadly, seeing Costia’s kind face in front of her, telling her everything would be alright.

“But she died, three years ago this April. We were supposed to spend out entire lives together.” Lexa let out a soft chuckle, quickly whipping the single tear that had gathered in the corner of her eye.

“Sorry, I still cannot talk about her without crying.” She took a steadying breath and smiled brightly. “But enough about my tear-jerking story, tell me about you.”

Raven who had sat there not really knowing what to do, and how or if to comfort Lexa, hesitated for a second before deciding that f Lexa would have wanted to talk more about it she would have. So she started telling her about her life. How she was trying to get her engineering degree, going to school part time because she also had to work. She also told Lexa about her childhood and her family.

Lexa had been listening to Raven talk about some prank she had pulled on a high school teacher of her when someone came barging into their apartment.

Lexa turned her head to see who it was and at the same time she felt something hot on her wrist. She looked down only to see that her timer reached zero. For a second she just stared at the number that was on her skin. Now that the moment was actually there she was a little scared to look up and see the person that was supposed to be her soulmate.

She had to look up when a man also ran into the apartment and they started yelling at each other. Lexa’s attention was immediately drawn to the blonde in front of her. The girl was really attractive, with her baby blue eyes and long blonde hair, but she was yelling so loudly and she had no idea who she was, or who the guy was.

She looked over at Raven, and realised she did know them. Raven looked as confused as she was at their appearance but she didn’t look alarmed at all. In fact, she turned towards Lexa to give her an eye roll, like she was saying ‘look at these two idiots.’ But then she saw how Lexa was holding her wrist and her eyes went wide with excitement. She started mouthing “OMG” and that’s when Lexa got scared she might say something to this girl about it.

Raven whistled on her fingers and surprisingly enough both of them just stopped shouting and turned towards her. “First of all, how lovely of you to barge in unannounced like this. Second do you really think _I_ care what is going on here? Because if you think the answer is yes then you have never been more wrong.” Raven started.

Lexa relaxed, because it seemed like Raven had decided not to mention her or anything about her, only to be thrust towards the couple with minimal introduction. Lexa felt miserable, she didn’t know what to say or what to do. The couple, because that’s what she had realised watching the scene, that this was in fact a couple, they were obviously fighting, which made her presence awkward even if her timer hadn’t just run out.

She was about to open her mouth when the blonde asked Raven about her. Though Lexa felt a little frustrated that they were talking about her as if she was not there, this did give her a chance to really take the girl in. Now that she was closer she saw that her blue eyes looked kind, and the dress she was wearing was hugging her body in exactly the right way. Most of all she was really attractive, Lexa couldn’t deny that. 

Soon she was distracted again because the girl’s face turned away and she had looked like she was in pain. This immediately awakened Lexa’s protective nature, she was ready to get that guy out of there. She wanted to get to know this girl, he was just an annoyance. Sure she wondered how things would go from here, but that was not something to worry about now.

Then, the guy, Finn she heard the girl call him called her a slut, insulted Raven and the blonde. And that was it for Lexa. She was not going to let him insult her new friend, or her…this girl whoever she was. She lifted her hand and slapped him before shoving him out the door.

She smiled to herself as she closed the door, it had felt good to stand up for herself and others again. She felt more like herself than she had done in a long time. Her sense of accomplishment only grew when Raven got up to give her a high five.

That quickly changed when the girl basically told her that she should have let her boyfriend drag her away. It felt like more of a slap in the face than that Finn guy calling her a slut. Her smile faltered and she fled to her new room as soon as she could. She just hoped they hadn’t seen her tears.

She refused to start crying now, she was confused, and angry, but not sad damn it, she refused to acknowledge that. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. This was not how she had imagined it. She and the mystery girl were never going to happen. Had it been unlikely before the incident now it was impossible. She had slapped her boyfriend. It didn’t matter that he was being rude, it never did in these situations.

She whipped her face and pulled her new laptop towards her googling to find out if these timers were ever wrong and what it meant if they were. Of course she couldn’t find anything that helped, most of the hits were people complaining about dates or what it meant if their timer stopped before reaching zero, and what it meant if you were in love with someone but you still had a timer. She grabbed her phone and called Anya, the only person who might understand her.

Thankfully Anya picked up at the first ring. “Hey Lexa, is it urgent because I really don’t have a lot of time.”

Lexa had planned on saying that it wasn’t urgent, that they could talk later or tomorrow, but instead she started crying. She couldn’t even understand what was happening right now. Anya, startled by hearing her sister sob through the phone quickly started asking questions, was she alright? Was she safe? Did her new roommate do anything? Should she come and get her?

After a few moments Lexa managed to calm down a little, comforted by her sister’s worries. Whatever happened, she would always have Anya at least.

“Oh Anya, she hates me! She already hates me because I slapped her boyfriend and kicked him out. I ruined everything. This was my second chance of happiness and I ruined it again.”

At this point Lexa had to stop to take a breath and Anya had somewhat caught up to what was going on. “Your timer. You met mystery girl. And by the sounds of it, it didn’t go as you had hoped. But you have to talk to me Lexa, tell me what happened.

And that’s what Lexa did, she told her everything, about how she and Raven had been talking and everything that happened from the moment the couple had barged in.

When she was finished Anya sighed. “It sounds to me like you did the right thing, Lexa. That guy sounds like a real jerk. I don’t think you ruined anything, and I’m sorry, but if she is mad at you for what you did then she is a bitch and you can do so much better than her.”

Lexa had wanted to interrupt, but Anya sensing it pressed on. “No Lexa, listen to me. I know how much your timer has helped you to get your life together, and that’s great. But that girl isn’t your life, you are your life. She cannot replace Costia, I know that’s what you hoped for. You managed before her and you’ll manage after. And by the sound of it you’re better off anyway. You are too sweet to be hurt like that. If I wasn’t in the middle of a shift, I would come there and give her a piece of my mind.”

Lexa smiled as a few tears rolled down her cheeks, she felt a little better already after her sister’s pep talk. Anya was right, her life wasn’t over. Sure things had gone a little different than planned, but that’s how her life had always been, she would learn to deal with this as she had with the rest.

She had just hung up when there was a knock on her door. Before she could say come in the blonde had walked in, looking at her incredulously. “Were you crying?”

This was exactly what Lexa needed to hear to get her composure completely back. How could she even ask her that in such a condescending tone. And Lexa actually felt a little offended by it. She stared at the girl quickly whipping her face and answered with an indignant “No.”

The girl smiled a little and awkwardly tried to apologise. She explained how she was worried that Lexa might get in trouble for hurting her boyfriend’s pride. This actually made Lexa feel a little better, the girl wasn’t angry with her and she worried, maybe it wasn’t as meaningless to her as Lexa had feared.

Then Lexa got distracted from her thoughts by the girl mentioning this used to be her room. “Are you the soul searching roommate, who went to Bolivia or Tibet?”

Apparently not, because the look on the girl’s face was one of confusion. “What? No. I moved in with Finn like half a year ago.”

She was quiet for a second before she called out Raven’s name and headed back to the living room, leaving Lexa in utter confusion and annoyance. “Well, bye.” She muttered to herself. She couldn’t resist following her though. So she was watching things unfold in the living room, sending Raven an I-will-kill-you-look when she started talking about her. After that she decided she had seen enough.

She let herself fall back on her bed. She wasn’t as sad anymore, no what she feeling right now was irritation. She didn’t understand why the girl was being so blasé about this. She too must realise that Lexa was her timer person, yet she gave no indication of even being affected by it at all. Was this because she still had a boyfriend, did she not find her interesting or attractive? Lexa had no idea and that frustrated her to no end. She had no idea what to do now. She had been preparing for this moment for two years. And from all the situations she had imagined it being, this was none of them.

Maybe Anya was right, maybe she had put too much stock in the timer thing, maybe it wasn’t meant to be. But why then couldn’t she stop thinking about the beautiful blonde. Lexa huffed in annoyance at her thoughts. She heard the front door close and was just wondering if she should go to Raven, to at least see what this girl’s name was, because calling her the blonde was getting on her nerves as much as her inability to stop picturing her.

However, before Lexa had made her mind up either way Raven stormed into her room and launched herself onto her bed. “Oh my god, Lexa!” She almost squealed with excitement. “It’s Clarke, you and Clarke. I can’t believe it.” She grinned for a second and then looked appalled when she realised something. “I can’t believe her, she never even told me she was bi, or that she even had a timer.”

Then she looked at Lexa and frowned. “What is up with you? You’re not nearly as excited as someone who just met their future spouse should be. Especially if she is as wonderful as Clarke. You don’t like her? She is extremely attractive, and kind and talented. Anyone would be lucky to get a girl liker her.”

Lexa just looked up at Raven. “Of course I think she is attractive, I am not blind, you know.” She started, getting distracted for a second as she remembered Clarke standing in her room minutes ago, so awkwardly cute. At least she knew the girl’s name now. Clarke, somehow it fit her, even though Lexa would have never guessed it.

“And as for the future spouse or anything, that’s not going to happen. I don’t know if you noticed, but tonight was pretty much a disaster.”

Raven laughed, but when she saw that Lexa was taking this all so serious she stopped. “You can’t base your opinion of her and you just from tonight alone. I mean, what did she say when you talked about the timers? Because she seemed thoroughly confused when I brought it up.” Raven was quiet for a second when it dawned on her. “You didn’t talk about it, did you?”

“You’re right, we didn’t.”

“What?!? Why not?!? What else was there to talk about?”

“Well,” Lexa continued, recounting what happened “I don’t know, it just didn’t happen. She apologised and then she said something about being your previous roommate and she was out. She didn’t mention it at all.”

“You could have said something.”

Lexa let out a humourless laugh. “Yeah right. Hey Clarke, I just hit your boyfriend, ps we’re soulmates. No thank you. She already thinks I am weird enough as it is.”

“You were scared.” Raven didn’t even frame it as a question.

Lexa was quiet for a while, then she nodded. “Yeah I was, I am. I don’t know, Raven. You have to understand, this timer, it saved my life, literally. It gave me the strength to take care of myself when I had not nothing to live for.” Lexa let out a sigh, shrugging her shoulders, trying to get some of the pent up feelings at bay. “And then I find out that this girl, this miracle, this saviour isn’t interested, doesn’t acknowledge me at all or I don’t know. Let’s just say I am thoroughly underwhelmed.”

“You need to give her another chance Lexa, you need to give yourself another chance. You’re making this into a bigger deal than it actually is. Meeting people for the first time is always awkward, it doesn’t have to mean anything.” Raven got up and headed towards the door. “If you remember it was only two days ago that you were cussing at me over the phone.”

At that both girls had to laugh, because Raven was right, neither of them could have thought they’d be talking here like they were old friends 48 hours ago.

Raven headed out the door, only to re-open it after a few seconds. “By the way, I am going to make sure you get a second chance.”

“What do you mean?” Lexa already started to get the feeling that whenever Raven was so cheerful she was up to something.

“Oh you know, I am just going to call Clarke, tell her I want to talk and then I just get called away for an emergency and you two can chat.”

“Raven no, this is awful enough without you setting us up.”

“Fine,” Raven rolled her eyes. “but I am giving you a week, no until the weekend that’s 4 more days and if neither of you haven’t made a move by then I am doing it.”

With that she left Lexa feeling stunned. She wasn’t quite sure how she felt about all of this, someone butting into her life, questioning how she did things. Usually there was only Anya, and Anya had always more or less let her find things out on her own. But this was what friends did Lexa thought, and in the end she decided she did like it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, no Clarke's perspective this chapter. I really wanted to include it, but just Lexa's part already put the word count above 3000 and Clarke discovering the timer has ran out deserves to be more than just an afterthought.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: abuse  
> There is an abusive scene in this chapter. It's not extremely descriptive, but if you are easily triggered maybe skip it, or letmeknow if you want me to post this chapter somewhere with that scene edited. I don't want to accidentally trigger someone.
> 
> So another chapter, this time we get Clarke's point of view. And as always please let me know if you have any kind of feedback. And thanks for the support this fic has been getting, it gives me life!

Today had not been the best, if Clarke was honest it has straight up sucked. That’s what she decided when she got home from Raven’s. Finn wasn’t there and he wasn’t picking up his phone. She had left him a few messages already, even though part of her was actually relieved he wasn’t there right now. She didn’t want to continue fighting. She might have told Raven that she needed to talk to Finn, and she knew it was the mature thing to do, but she did not want to, not in the least.

She loved Finn, of course she did, but moving with him to the other side of the country, leaving behind everyone and everything she knew, that was making a statement. She would be there building a new life with him, and Clarke didn’t know if she was ready for that. Did she love him enough for that?

Plus, they had been fighting a lot more the past few months, actually the past half year, since she had moved in with him. That wasn’t how it was supposed to be, was it? Most of them hadn’t been big fights, not like the one they had today. That reminded her, she needed to call Polis immediately. She called the gallery and left a message asking to call her back.

Making the call had brought back her anger though. She still couldn’t believe that he had done this, or that he thought it had been a good idea in the first place. He knew how important her art was to her, or she thought he had known, but now she wasn’t so sure. The things he had said tonight certainly were far off from the Finn that had bought her first painting when she had only just started school, claiming he would make millions once she got famous.

That fun loving, cheerful Finn was gone though. She hadn’t realised it until now, but when he had accepted the job he had now straight out of college something had changed. Gone were his idealistic speeches about how he was going to change the world, gone was the goofiness she had loved so much about him. He had grown up she supposed, but to her it seemed only like he had gotten too serious. And not only that, there had been a time that Clarke would have laughed at anyone telling her Finn might try to take revenge on anyone.

As she was thinking this Clarke felt an uneasy feeling settle in her stomach. She really didn’t like where her thoughts were taking her. It was starting to sound like they she was telling herself why it hadn’t worked out between them, but that wasn’t happening. They were still together. They would work this out, right? She just had no idea how.

She needed a long, hot shower, so that’s exactly what she did next. She was pulling on her pyjamas when for some reason she thought about her timer for the first time in forever. She glanced at it, stunned to see a zero clear as day. Fuck, how long had it been there? She was sure it still had been counting down that morning, right? Now that she thought about it she wasn’t so sure anymore. She thought it had been.

She climbed in bed, trying to retrace her steps to see if she could remember it any clearer, because trying to figure out who this mystery guy was sounded a lot more appealing than any thought of Finn.

In the end she decided that it had still been counting down that morning, or else she would have certainly noticed. She wasn’t sure how she felt about it, about having met this person, and about not even realising she had actually met them. That wasn’t how it went in the stories. That thought also made Clarke realise she really didn’t know a lot about the timers beside from some scientific stuff her mom said and great literature and movies.

But now that she thought about it she didn’t really know how people dealt with this stuff in real life. Tomorrow she’d ask her trusted, never judging friend, google. For now though, she lay in bed wondering who it could be. When she thought back to everyone she had met today no one stood out really. She had expected to at least be attracted to the guy that was meant for her. But the only face that kept popping up in her head was Raven’s new girlfriend, the girl with the fierce look, but kind green eyes, beautifully shaped lips and brown hair that seemed warm and sunny somehow. So in the end she just gave up, deciding that what had happened that evening still was too fresh to indulge in silly fantasies.

The next morning, she still hadn’t heard from Finn, she was starting to get worried so she called again.

She was surprised when her call was answered, but even more surprised when it was his assistant picking up his phone. She informed Clarke that Finn was actually in a meeting at the moment and if she could take a message.

 “Thank god, so at least he is at the office, that means he is okay. Yes, can you have him call me back as soon as possible?” She felt relieved nothing had happened to Finn, but she also felt annoyed that he hadn’t at least texted her. He knew that she always worried when she didn’t hear from someone, ever since her dad. He knew and yet he had chosen not to even send a simple text that said he was safe.

After a shower Clarke checked her phone again to see if Finn had called yet. He hadn’t, but then again she hadn’t expected him too, not yet anyway, these meetings always took forever. She did however have a text from someone else she hadn’t expected to hear from, Raven.

**-We should probably talk about last night, right? You should come here for a cup of tea. R-**

Clarke found this extremely suspicious, not only because Raven never invited anyone over for tea, she didn’t even have tea in the apartment, but also because Raven hadn’t been the first to text her since she had moved out of their apartment. But if she was honest, Clarke had missed her too much to start to get picky now. So she quickly sent Raven a text that she was coming right now, grabbed her coat and just like that she was on her way.

She decided to do the polite thing this time and ring the doorbell, this wasn’t her apartment anymore after all. Plus, she was finally on Raven’s good side again and she did not want to ruin that because she had interrupted Raven’s girlfriend time or something. That was one of the things she would be grilling Raven about. It was a weird feeling to realise her best friend had a girlfriend, that they were practically living together and that she hadn’t known. If she thought about it, it actually made Clarke feel sad, she hadn’t thought that she and Raven had been that much on the outs.

“You rang the doorbell? What is wrong with you?” Raven opened the door with an eye roll, and her trademark grin.

“I figured that since I am a guest here now, that I probably should behave as such.” Clarke smiled, and quickly wrapped her arms around Raven. For a second she wondered if Lexa was there as well, but those thoughts were quickly interrupted by Raven’s screams.

“What are you doing? Let me go you, crazy woman. Help! Help! Stranger danger, Mrs Robinson, call the police.” Mrs. Robinson, their next door neighbour who had just come out of her apartment to walk her dog, just smiled and waved. “Bless you, Clarke, I hope you had a nice time in North Korea, you’re doing the lord’s work.”

That was enough to distract Clarke long enough so Raven could squirm out of her hold. She waved at Mrs. Robinson. “Right you are, ma’am, she’s a regular mother Theresa, our Clarkie.” And with that she pulled Clarke inside and closed the door only to burst into laughter with the other girl.

“Raven, North Korea, really? You are such a drama queen sometimes.”  
“What? You can’t deny Finn has been as paranoid as his North Korean counterpart.”

Clarke wanted to say something, but decided not to, she knew that if she got into this now, they’d be arguing again within moments and that was not what she had come here to do.

So she sat down and smiled sweetly at Raven. “Where is this famous tea you invited me to drink?”

“You don’t believe me, do you? I have a very sophisticated roommate now.”

Clarke smirked, “I’m just incredibly curious what this amazing tea tastes like, because how else would you start drinking it.”

“Let me get it. I’m not completely sure how it works exactly.” Raven started rummaging through the cupboards.

“Raven, I know you don’t drink tea, but even you know how to place a tea bag in hot water, don’t give me that.”

“No,” Raven practically shouted in enthusiasm as she was getting the water she had already boiled apparently. “you see, this isn’t a tea bag, this is just loose tea leaves or something. But how hard can it be?” She walked back with two mugs and an actual teapot.

Clarke was impressed. “Wow Raven, that Lexa really made some impressive changes.”

“Yeah, she is pretty amazing, don’t you think?” Raven grabbed the teapot to pour the tea. “By the way that totally looks like tea, it’s just the leaves, I don’t think there are supposed to be this many in your mug. It didn’t happen when Lexa did it.”

Clarke smiled. “Don’t worry about it, this means we can read each other tea leaves like in Harry Potter.”

“I’ll drink to that. I need to remember that to say to Lexa next time. I bet she loves that stuff.” Raven laughed, raising her mug to toast and took a sip.

“What stuff?”

“You know, geek stuff, just like you.” Raven shrugged. “She just seems the type, don’t you think?”

Clarke thought about it. “I have no idea, Raven. I hardly know the girl.”

“But do you want to?” Raven almost seemed to bounce up and down with excitement.

“What?” Clarke looked surprised, until she saw how excited Raven was, then she had to laugh. “If it means that much to you, of course.” If she was completely honest, she really _was_ interested in Lexa. The girl intrigued her. She looked so kind and mellow, but the way she had slapped Finn and basically thrown him out of the apartment, she was fierce.

Raven nodded, apparently satisfied with her answer.

“Well,” Clarke asked. “Are you going to tell me about her, or what?”

“What?” Raven looked surprised now. “What am I supposed to tell. Oh about Lexa? Of course. Well her sister is a doctor. And Lexa well, she is very sweet, but she can be fierce as heck as well. Which she demonstrated by kicking Finn out of the apartment yesterday. And uh, let me see. She’s funny, especially when she gets flustered. You should have heard our first phone conversation, she kept saying curse words. It was hilarious.”

“That’s it?”

“Yes, that’s it, isn’t that enough?”

“Raven, you’re living together, and you hardly know anything about her.”

“I know, but she only moved in yesterday, calm down. We’ll have plenty of time to get to know each other, my first priority was rent.”

At this Clarke’s mouth dropped. Raven, no attachment Raven, the Raven who never wanted her dates to come to her place because they’d know where she lived, took her relationship to the next level for money? What was going on?

“Raven, you can’t be serious. This is a huge step, it took Finn and me five years before we were ready.” She sighed, adding as an afterthought. “And even know I wonder if it wasn’t too fast.”

“Clarke, I’ve known her for three days, and two of those days the only thing I thought I knew was that she was awkward as hell.”

At the same time Clarke’s phone was ringing, and when she saw who was calling she paled and didn’t hear anything that Raven was saying. She looked up at Raven “It’s Finn.”

Raven, who had already suspected as much when she saw all the colour leaving Clarke’s face nodded. She wasn’t above calling names and teasing, and it was no secret that she disliked Finn a lot, but she was a good friend and knew when to cut out, most of the time. “Go, answer it, I’ll be quiet.” She offered.

Clarke nodded, gathering her nerves.  This was not going to be a fun conversation, she knew, but the scariest part was that she knew it was going to have to go about their future, and she had no idea what to do or say about it. Her thoughts hadn’t changed, and she knew Finn’s would have either. She only hoped that an evening apart had mellowed his anger some.

It was probably the shortest phone conversation she had ever had. All he said was “Where are you? Come home, we need to talk.” She just stared at her phone, he had just hung up on her. She hadn’t been able to say anything.

“What just happened? I thought you said Finn was calling, was it a wrong number?”

“No,” Clarke shook her head. “He wants me to come home to talk. I’m sorry Raven I have to go. I’ll call you later. And thanks for the tea.” She gathered her stuff, interrupting Raven before she could say anything. “Please Raven, don’t start, this is going to be hard enough as it is.”

She looked so sad and nervous that Raven walked up to her and gave her a hug. “Okay, but just this once.”

As soon as Clarke stepped inside something felt different, she couldn’t immediately tell what it was though. “Finn?”

Finn stepped out of their bedroom, his face showed nothing, that’s how she knew he was still angry, very angry. She swallowed, smiling to defuse some of the tension.

“Where were you?”

“I was at Raven’s.”

“Of course you were.” He sneered. “Trying to convince that psycho bitch to assault me again?”

“Lexa is not a psycho bitch!” Clarke raised her voice, feeling very protective of Lexa for some reason. “Anyway, I’m here now, so let’s talk about this.”

Finn simply shook his head. “There is nothing to talk about, Clarke. I asked you for one thing, and you couldn’t even be happy for me. The only thing that makes you happy is when everything is about you. Well I’m done with that.”

At first she thought she was mishearing him, she had to be, because what he didn’t say make any sense. “Finn, come on. You can’t be serious. Just because I didn’t immediately want to move across the country with you?”

“Yes,” he replied. “I have taken the job, Clarke. I am moving there at the end of the month.” He headed back into the bedroom and emerged with a suitcase.

Clarke just stared at it, trying to comprehend what was happening. “So that’s it?” Her voice shook, she wasn’t sure if it was with anger, sadness or indignation. “You’re just going to leave me?”

Finn laughed and shook his head. “No, this suit case is for you. You’re moving out, starting right now. I want your keys.”

She looked down at the keys in her hand and then back up at him. “What?”

He stepped closer to her, placing his hand over hers and squeezing it. “Don’t start with me, Clarke. Your keys, now.”

Clarke shook her head, feeling tears well up in her eyes. They couldn’t just give up. He had been the first boy she had ever loved. He had been there for her when her dad died. He had been so patient and sweet. It was this job, the job had changed him.

“Please, Finn, you’re hurting me. This isn’t you, don’t do this. If you just listen to me, we can fix this.”

That’s when he lost all composure and struck her. “Stop rambling, you stupid bitch, don’t you understand, I don’t want to fix this. I am taking this job, I don’t need you anymore.” He wrenched the keys out of her hand, grabbed the suitcase and then grabbed Clarke at the arm and pushed them both out of the door.

Clarke was on her ninth drink when Raven walked in. She had gone here straight from her apartment. “Raven!” she shouted across the bar. “Here’s to my best friend.” She chugged her drink and slammed it back down on the bar. “Barkeep, another!”

“Clarke? What are you doing here, drunk, in the middle of the day. Here, have some peanuts.” She slipped behind the bar, looking at Sinclair questioningly. “What the hell, man? Did you get my best friend drunk?”

“She was already drunk when she got here, trust me.” She doesn’t even realise I give her half water half tequila this entire time.” He said quietly, so Clarke wouldn’t overhear.

“Well stop serving her all together.” Raven huffed.

“No, Raven. Don’t blame Sinclair here.” She leaned over the bar to grab the collar of his shirt, pulling him forward and patting his cheek. “It’s not his fault, it’s me, I’m a ruiner. Do you hear that, Sinclair? A ruiner!”

“Uh right, of course.” He looked to Raven with alarm, mouthing the words “Help me!”

Raven wrenched Clarke’s hand from Sinclair’s shirt, seeing the girl wince.

“What happened? You know drink Clarke is usually one of my favourite Clarkes, but at four in the afternoon? Something is wrong.”

“Ouch, you hurt my drinking hand, that’s what’s wrong.” Clarke pouted, holding out her hand. It had been hurting quite a lot, but the cut had stopped bleeding, and after a few drinks she hardly felt it anymore.

“Oh my god, Clarke!” Raven took hold of her hand, looking up at her best friend’s face and seeing the mark on her cheek too. “Did he did this to you? Did he fucking hit you?!?”

Raven was practically shouting now, it was actually kind of hurting Clarke’s ears so she tried to put her hand over her mouth. “Shhh, inside voices.”

“Clarke, I’m serious, what the hell happened?”

 “I’m homeless.” Clarke simply stated with a giggle. Soon that giggle had turned to laughter, she simply couldn’t stop herself. It sounded hilarious in her alcohol induced daze, until she thought back to why it was. All of a sudden she started crying. She was homeless. Raven walked around the bar and wrapped her arms around Clarke, this made her only cry harder.

“It’s all my fault, Raven. I’ve been so selfish, and now Finn is gone, I don’t know what to do.”

“Clarke, you have to listen to me. Did Finn do this to you? Did he hurt you?” When Clarke nodded Raven couldn’t contain herself. “I will end that asshole!”

“No, Raven, don’t! It wasn’t his fault, not really.” Clarke started to cry harder. “It was mine, he told me to leave and I didn’t. Don’t go after him, please.”

Raven sighed exasperated. “Clarke, how can you protect him now? You just admit he beat you.”

Clarke shook her head. “I’m not protecting him, I’m protecting you.” She poked Raven’s chest. “If anything happened to you because of me.” She just shook her head and then rested it against Raven’s shoulder, and kept crying.

“Alright, but you need to go to the hospital.”

Then Sinclair interjected. “Raven, you can’t.” When he saw Raven’s face. “I’m sorry, but it is way too busy, your shift started an hour ago. Get someone else to take her.”

Clarke had put her head on the bar as Raven was calling someone. When she was done calling she came right back. “Lexa is coming, she is going to take you to the hospital, and the police if you want to. And after you’re coming back to our apartment. We’ll figure something out, Clarke. It’s going to be alright.”

When Raven said those last words Clarke burst into tears again, wiping her nose on her sleeve. “You’re the best, Raven, Edgar Allen Poe was so wrong about you.”

At this Raven couldn’t help, but laugh. “See, this is why drunk Clarke is my favourite, thanks babe.”

Clarke waved at Lexa as soon as the other girl entered the bar. Lexa waved back, but she looked really worried.

“Hey, Clarke, are you okay?”

Clarke nodded and the other girl seemed relieved. Clarke smiled when she realised that, it gave her a warm feeling that this girl that hardly knew her cared enough for her to help her.

Lexa looked worriedly at Raven. “What is wrong with her?”

“She is out of her mind drunk, that’s what’s wrong. That asshole Finn hurt her and threw her out. Can you please take her to the hospital and take her to our place?”

“Sure, I’ll call Anya from the cab.” Lexa smiled and turned to Clarke. “Can you walk?”

Clarke huffed indignantly. “Of course I can walk. I have been walking for most of my life. My mom says I was especially quick to start walking.”

When they arrived at the hospital Clarke was actually feeling even worse than before. Her hand hurt like hell, her cheek too, and she was exhausted. “I’m tired, can’t we just go home? Oh right, I don’t have a home, joke’s on me.”

“We need to get your hand get looked at. And maybe some painkillers, because it looks painful.”

They just sat down when a beautiful doctor came up to them and took them into a small room. She looked at Clarke’s hand. “We’ll need to get an x-ray and then if that’s all good I’m going to stitch it up. Do you want something for the pain?”

“God yes.” Clarke exclaimed. “I mean, yes that would be great.” She muttered when she saw both Lexa and the doctor looked startled at her outburst, but after her mutterings they both laughed.

After the doctor had given Clarke a shot with pain medication she left and Lexa went to sit next to her.  “Don’t worry, my sister is an amazing doctor. She’ll fix you right up.”

Clarke didn’t answer, she had never seen Lexa up close like this before. She noticed how she had a few light freckles on the bridge of her nose. They were definitely the cutest freckles she had ever seen. She wished she was one of those freckles right now. She would be cute, besides she was sure freckles didn’t get hangovers or stitches, or painful hands for that matter. Though Clarke realised that her hand didn’t hurt as much anymore, that must mean the medication was working.

“Can I be your freckle?”

“What?” Lexa had thought Clarke had fallen asleep and was sure she must have heard the other girl wrong.  
“Can I be your freckle?” Clarke said more distinctly now. She lifted her hand up to Lexa’s face and gently brushed each individual one. “Boop, boop, boop. They are so cute, you’re so cute. I’d love to just sit on your face.”

Lexa had actually turned a little red, but also had to laugh. Clarke smiled, the sound of Lexa’s laugh was so sweet, it warmed her up from the inside somehow. She wanted to make her laugh some more, so she continued on her freckle quest.

“I promise I’ll be the best freckle, and Raven wouldn’t mind she already knows me. I’ve already seen her naked tons of times. It’s perfect.”

Lexa, who had realised this must be because of the mix of alcohol and the pain medication decided she would just go with it. “Why would it matter that you have seen her naked?”

“For when you have hot lesbian sex, obviously.” Clarke laughed, how could Lexa be so silly, they would have a ton of sex, Lexa was a freaking goddesses. “You’re living together now. I bet your girlfriend can’t stop herself from jumping you every chance she gets, and I don’t blame her. You’re hot.”

Lexa laughed at that. “Clarke, I don’t have a girlfriend. Raven and I are just roommates.”

“Wait, what, really?” Then why do I think that you are?”

“Uh, well,” Lexa looked around the room awkwardly. “Your boyfriend kind of suggested it? That’s really the only reason I can think of.”

Right then Anya came back and she took Clarke for x-rays. The entire time Clarke was cursing herself, the embarrassment had certainly helped sober her up some. Hdw could she have been so stupid? How come Raven didn’t even correct her? She needed to call Raven, but of course there were no mobile phones allowed in this part of the hospital.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, just a quick end note, because I am not really sure how to proceed. Not storyline-wise but POV-wise. I really like seeing into the mind of both of these precious cinnamon rolls, but obviously doing every single scene they have together twice will be pretty boring and none of us want that.  
> So I was wondering what you wouldlike best?  
> I pick one character and stick to their point of view (if so who would you want)  
> I do both, but make the POV parts shorter, like in the beginning so you have multiple POV changes in one chapter.  
> I do one POV per chapter and sort of variate between the two  
> Another option that you choose.
> 
> I'm just spitballing here. I want to write something that I want to write, but I also want to write something you all enjoy.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, another update!  
> I have tried to alternate POVs within the chapter, and I think I'm going to keep doing it, it helps to get a little more pacein the story and we still get to see both sides.

While Clarke was getting an x-ray Lexa stayed behind in the room. Had Clarke been thinking Raven and her were a couple? Is that why she hadn’t said anything about the timer thing? Maybe she should try and talk to her about it when she came back. Yes, she should probably, otherwise it was just going to get weird between them.

When the door opened Lexa had been pacing back and forth for a while, thinking of a good way to start this conversation. She looked to the door to see Clarke stumbling through with Anya. She helped Clarke back to her spot and told them she needed to check on a few other patients and then she’d come back to fix Clarke’s hand.

Clarke was just nodded and watched dreamily as Anya closed the door. “Your sister is really attractive.”

“You think so?” Lexa huffed to herself, it wasn’t fair everyone always liked Anya best.

“Yes! Your parents must have been freaking models or something.” Clarke’s voice was getting quieter and she started to get very drowsy.

“Clarke?” Lexa whispered the girl’s name, trying to see if she was still awake, but the blonde seemed to have fallen asleep. That’s when Anya came in only to see Lexa looming over the girl.

“I wasn’t doing anything weird, just checking to see if she was asleep.” Lexa crossed her arms and sat back down. Anya laughed at her defensive tone.

“I wasn’t going to say anything.”

“Sure, you weren’t.” Lexa muttered.

Anya rolled her eyes. “Anyway tell me what’s been happening, because all you have told me on the phone is that this is mystery girl and that she got hurt.”

“Well, I don’t know all the details myself. Her boyfriend hurt her is all I know.” Lexa growled and clenched her fists. “I swear I wish I could show him what it feels like to be abused, the asshole.”

Anya raised her eyebrows. “Wow, you like her. What changed?”

“What?” Lexa looked startled at her older sister. “No I don’t. Honestly!” she added when she saw the look Anya was giving her. “I just hate it when people think they have the right to hurt other people, especially…” She shrugged. “Never mind.”

“Have you talked about the timer thing yet?”

“No, not yet, but I think I know why she didn’t want to talk about it though. She has been thinking I was Raven’s girlfriend the entire time. I figured that’s probably why she hasn’t been wanting to even discuss it. She and Raven are very good friends. But I figured that now she knows I could talk to hr about it, I was just thinking on how to best go about it.”

“Lexa, you can’t be serious.” Anya shook her head when Lexa looked at her questioningly. “Come on, she asked the x-ray technician if her hand looked fat, because the camera adds ten pounds. She is completely wasted. You can’t talk about something so important right now. “

“You’re right. She did ask if she could be one of my freckles earlier. And apparently she is convinced mum and dad were models, because we are beautiful.” Lexa and Anya both laughed. “Let’s get her hand stitched up and then I can take her home.”

“There, done.” Anya pulled off her gloves and looked at the neat row of stitches on Clarke’s hand. “That wasn’t so bad, right?”

Clarke lifted her face from Lexa’s shoulder with relief. “Speak for yourself. That was the worst.”

Lexa laughed. “You were very brave.”

Clarke puffed up her chest in pride, which made Lexa laugh even harder, until Anya interrupted.

“Here is your pain medication.” Anya’s eyes fleetingly shifted towards Lexa, before resettling back on Clarke. “You can take this one now, and I’ll give you one extra for tonight, and then if you need more tomorrow you can call me and I’ll prescribe some more. Lexa has my phone number.”

Lexa frowned, and followed Anya out when she left. “Anya, that really isn’t necessary, I’m fine.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Anya replied, looking away from her.

“Anya, don’t lie. You’re worried about me and the pills, I saw you looking.”

Anya sighed. “Fine, I am a little nervous about it. Is that so wrong? I just worry about you. I know you’re doing amazing, but now with Clarke and everything. It is a lot, it wouldn’t be weird to struggle with your habits, but you have to be honest about it, Lex.”

“You’re not my therapist, Anya. I am not some junkie who is looking to score. I am fine!”

At that moment the door opened and Clarke stood between the two sisters. “Oops, sorry I’m just going to go back in here.” She was already stepping back when Lexa grabbed her hand and pulled her forward, staring daggers at Anya.

“Not necessary, me and Anya we’re just done anyway, let’s go home.” With those words Lexa turned around and walked away, tugging Clarke behind her who looked at Anya and waved as they walked away.

“Thanks, Anya, you’re the best looking doctor ever!”

* * *

They had just gotten home, Clarke’s head was beginning to hurt, and she gratefully threw herself on the couch when they entered the apartment.

“Right, so what now?” Lexa was still standing near the door, swinging her arms back and forth, looking extremely uncomfortable.

Clarke laughed. “Come, sit next to me, we could talk.”

“Talk? Right. Do you want to talk about…” Lexa gestured towards Clarke’s hand as she sat down.

“God, no.” Clarke shook her head. “I am not ready to deal with that stuff yet. Do you want to talk about… with your sister?” Clarke wasn’t sure if she should be asking this, but she had seen that something was going on between those two and that it had to do with her medication. “No judgement from me, honestly.” She added when Lexa remained quiet.

“I… Anya is overreacting.” Lexa started. “A few years ago I got into some trouble after I forged a prescription to get a hold on some pills.” She saw Clarke’s expression and quickly added. “Really, it’s worse than it sounds. I just, I wasn’t in a good place and I didn’t know how to deal with stuff. I’m all better now. Scout’s honour.” She lifted her hand to do the scout greeting.

That was when Clarke saw it, on her wrist, a zero. “Oh my god!” She exclaimed, “You have a timer? No way! Who is it for?”

Lexa stared at Clarke dumbfounded, she looked so confused that Clarke was starting to doubt what she had seen. She took hold of Lexa’s hand and saw the timer, she traced it out with her finger. It made her feel a little sad, though she couldn’t really explain why. Just the thought of Lexa with some stranger, she didn’t like it. She seemed so sweet, and vulnerable somehow. How could she know for sure that Lexa wouldn’t get hurt? Look at her, she would have never thought that Finn would hurt her, but he had. She didn’t want that to happen to Lexa.

“Come on, tell me. I won’t tell anyone, hell I am still drunk and on drugs, I probably won’t even remember if you tell me.” Clarke laughed.

Lexa pulled her hand from Clarke’s grip and pulled her knees up to her chest, her eyes watching Clarke suspiciously. “Don’t you know?”

“How am I supposed to know? You’re not making any-” That’s when it clicked. “No!” Clarke’s eyes widened as she stared at Lexa in shock. “You don’t mean. Oh my god!” Clarke had gotten up, and started pacing back and forth. “You and me, but you’re a girl! This is not happening.” Then she looked up at Lexa who was still in her corner of the couch, looking miserable, but otherwise calm.

“Why are you not freaking out?!?” She practically yelled. “How long have you known?” Clarke pulled on the collar of her shirt, she was feeling so hot. She was about to have a panic attack, that was the only explanation. She looked around desperately. “I need a drink.” She turned around and grabbed a glass and poured it completely full with Raven’s emergency vodka.

That’s when she noticed that Lexa had actually gotten up and was standing next to her. “I don’t think that’s smart. Mixing your pain medication with alcohol isn’t the best idea.”

Clarke let out a snort. “I am freaking out! Not letting me drink this is the worst idea.” And with that she drained her glass and poured another. “Drink with me, we are both going to need this if we are going to talk about this.”

“Uh” Lexa looked unsure for a second and Clarke sensed her weakness, grinning she grabbed another glass and poured some in it. “Come on, you know you want to, all the other kids are doing it.”

Lexa rolled her eyes. “Fine.” Exasperated she took hold of the glass and drained it, making the most adorable face afterwards.

“Woo!” Clarke bellowed, before draining her own glass again. The rinks had temporarily distracted her, but now her brain returned to the matter at hand. Why she had even started to drink in the first place.

“Come on, spill. Why are you not freaked out about this? Why didn’t you tell me?” She watched Lexa avoid her gaze, staring at her glass as they both sat back down.

“Well, I have known since the moment you came bursting through the door. I figured you knew too; I didn’t know why you didn’t say anything about it. When you said those things about me and Raven, I thought that was why you hadn’t said anything. That you didn’t want to cause problems between us. But you didn’t even know it was me.” The more she talked, the worse Lexa looked. In the end she pulled her knees back to her chest and wrapped her arms around it, muttering to herself. “I’m so stupid.”

That image of Lexa trying so hard to keep herself together broke Clarke’s heart. She had been so focussed on herself, on what this even meant that she hadn’t begun to think how it must be for the other girl to already know. All her worries were replaced with care in an instant and she moved a little closer to Lexa, putting her hand on top of her knees.

“Hey, I’m sorry. You’re not stupid at all, I’m the stupid one. I just, I am freaking out a little, because, well you’re a girl and I don’t like girls. Or well, apparently I do, but I didn’t know, you know.” She looked at Lexa and sent her a shy smile. “How does that even happen?” She wondered, more to herself than anyone else.

“You didn’t know you liked girls?” Lexa sounded surprised.

“Nope. I mean of course I find girls attractive, but doesn’t every girl? I mean girls are just so great you know? With their boobs and stuff. But I never saw myself with a girl, because guys are great too. Just a different great, two different but equal kind of greats for me to appreciate.” Clarke started laughing a little, she felt uncomfortable. “I am rambling, I’m sorry. I need another drink.” She was so glad she had taken the bottle with her, she simply put it to her mouth and drank. “Here, you could probably use some too.” She handed the bottle to Lexa, who took it gratefully.

“So you’ve never had a crush on a girl?” Lexa asked incredulously.

“No, never. Well if you don’t count my childhood crush on the spice girls, or my girl crush on Natalie Dormer, or Emma Watson, or Billie Piper, or…” She fell quiet, why had she never realised this before? She liked boys AND girls, she really liked girls. It wasn’t just that they looked good, and smelled good, girls were amazing.

She stared at Lexa. “I like girls.” She said in amazement.

Lexa smiled softly and nodded. “I know, me too.”

Clarke smiled back, her eyes moving over Lexa’s face, the cute freckles on her nose, her green eyes, and her lips. Clarke started to blush. “We need more alcohol, hand me that bottle.” She took it and took another drink before handing it back to Lexa. She watched as Lexa threw her head back and drank. Her throat though, Clarke had no idea where all these thoughts were coming from, but she could imagine her lips on that throat, and she liked it. What was happening? Was she just making this stuff up because that’s what you were supposed to when you met your timer person. But then she remembered last night. She couldn’t stop thinking about Lexa then too, and she didn’t even know she liked her then.

“So, what now?” She looked at Lexa, feeling nervous and uncomfortable, she didn’t know what to do, but Lexa seemed equally as nervous, which made Clarke smile, because she looked very cute when worried. That’s when Clarke decided what the hell, things were already uncomfortable. She leaned forward, took hold of Lexa’s collar and pressed their lips together. She leaned back, pulling Lexa with her and against her. She opened her lips and kissed the other hungrily. Wow, this was amazing, why had she never done this before? This was the best.

She pulled away from Lexa’s lips, panting slightly. “This is amazing. I-“ but she didn’t get a chance to finish, because this time Lexa forced her lips on Clarke’s. She cupped her cheek and took hold of the blonde’s hair, pulling on it slightly. Clarke groaned, letting go of Lexa’s collar and moving her hands down her body and resting them on the lower part of Lexa’s back. She had no idea what was happening, all she knew was that it was great. She liked everything about this, she liked that she could taste the vodka she and Lexa had been drinking, she liked how soft she felt, she liked that Lexa had her eyes closed and was making these soft noises.

She froze when Lexa moved her hand to her breast though. Lexa felt the freeze and immediately starting to apologise. “I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have, it’s too soon, you’re right.” She crawled back to her side of the couch. “It’s just you,” she waved her hands in Clarke’s general direction. “Look at you, you’re so beautiful and the kissing was just, wow, right? Right?”

Clarke couldn’t help but laugh at the panicked expression on Lexa’s face. Wondering if she had looked as freaked out moments before. “You’re weird, you know that?”

“Lexa’s mouth dropped. “Weird?”

“Totally.” Clarke nodded, getting up, but when she got up vertigo set in and she fell back on the couch.

“Whoops” She laughed, crawling her way to Lexa. “Raven did say you could be awkward.”

Clarke smiled slyly as she sat on her knees in front of Lexa, lifting her hand to brush her cheek, following the structure of her cheekbones to her nose and then from the tip of her nose to her lips, which looked so perfectly kissable. She leaned in and pressed a kiss on Lexa’s lip, letting her finger move down her chin and down her throat, and then over her chest.

“I didn’t mean you couldn’t touch my boobs earlier, I just realised that I could touch yours. I could touch real life boobs, yo!” Clarke’s grin was so ecstatically happy that Lexa had to laugh.

“You have always been able to touch boobs, Clarke. You have them yourself, a fine pair might I add.”

Clarke looked down at her chest, almost in surprise. “Oh right!” She laughed for a second, shaking her head to try and focus. “Don’t distract me. Own boobs don’t count, everybody knows that.”

“Well you’re touching my boobs now, with one finger. Which is a little odd.” Both Lexa and Clarke looked at the finger that was sort of brushing/poking Lexa’s chest. That was the moment that Clarke realised that in truth she had no idea what she was doing, the temporary pause between her and Lexa had given her time to think and she was freaking out again.

She pulled her hand back like she had burned it and looked at Lexa wide-eyed. “I don’t know how to do these things!” She basically yelled before getting up again.

Lexa, confused as to what was happening tried to comfort the girl. “Clarke, relax, I was just teasing. It’s okay, neither of us know what we are doing, we are both freaking out, it’s fine.” She took hold of Clarke’s hand, who winced.

“Shit, sorry, I forgot. Maybe we should just calm down. You take your pain meds, and we stop drinking this damn sex juice.” Lexa looked at the vodka in disgust.

At that Clarke started laughing uncontrollably. “Sex juice!” She felt like she had never heard something that hilarious in her life. When Lexa came back to her with a glass of water, she tried to calm down, but every time she saw Lexa’s face a new round of snorts and giggles would come on.

Lexa patiently waited until the other girl had calmed down enough so she could hand her the glass of water. Clarke took it and swallowed the pill before draining the glass.

And soon enough she couldn’t feel the pain in her hand anymore, she could hardly feel anything anymore actually. It was like she was floating on a cloud, everything was hazy, she felt cuddly and warm. She leaned back with a blissful smile on her face. Then she turned and she saw Lexa and her smile widened, apparently excited to see her.

“Lexa, it’s amazing.” She whispered loudly. “I think we’re in heaven. It’s magical up here.”

Lexa laughed. “We’re not in heaven, Clarke. You’re just drunk and high.”

“No.” Clarke started to shake her head adamantly, but quickly stopped because that only made her feel nauseous. “This must be heaven, you’re glowing, and you’re so beautiful.” She gestured for Lexa to come closer, and when Lexa leaned in she whispered. “Are you god?”

“God?” Lexa tried not to burst out laughing, “Uh, no, definitely not.”

“Are you sure?” Clarke looked at the other girl suspiciously. “Because you’re perfect.” Then it became too hard for her to keep her eyes open and she fell asleep.

The moment Clarke woke up she regretted ever being alive. Her head was pounding and her hand was hurting so much as well. She opened her eyes, completely disoriented. Where was she? It took her a few moments, but then she realised. She was at Raven’s, but why? What time was it?

She looked around, only to see that she had fallen asleep pretty much on top of Raven’s roommate. Well that was embarrassing. She looked at her hand, and at first she was confused to see the band aid. Slowly, though she started remembering. Her fight with Finn, he hurt her, she had gone to Raven’s to get help, or get drunk. And then someone, she looked at Lexa, no Lexa had taken her to the hospital. She groaned, this intense focus that was necessary to make her remember stuff was killing her, literally, she felt like she was dying.

She stumbled to Raven’s room, opening the door and letting herself fall to the bed. “Raven. Raven!” She shook Raven until she woke up. “I need aspirin or something, get me aspirin, please. I have the worst hangover, and my and hurts.” She held up her hand in front of Raven’s face and made the saddest face she could.” Raven grumbled, but she did get up for her.

Clarke smiled gratefully when Raven returned and thrust the pills and a glass of water in her hands. “Thanks, Raven, you’re a life saver.” Raven just grumbled and turned around and went back to sleep. Clare was just left staring up at the ceiling, she kept having the feeling she was forgetting something, but she couldn’t remember what it was. She shrugged, if she couldn’t remember, it must not have been that important.

When she woke up the second time it was thanks to Raven’s too cheerful voice. “Good morning, sunshine!”

“Shhh.” She lifted her hand, trying to silence Raven while keeping her eyes closed.

“I have got some eggs, but you have to open your eyes to eat them.”

Clarke opened her eyes and was about to tell Raven that under no circumstances would she ever dare to eat anything Raven had cooked, but instead she had to rush to the bathroom.

After five minutes Clarke re-entered the living room. “Oh god. How much did I drink yesterday?”

Raven shrugged. “I have no idea, I came home to see both you and Lexa passed out, and a pretty much empty bottle of vodka beside you, my vodka by the way.”

That’s when Clarke remembered. “Shit, I slept on top of Lexa, I’m so sorry, Raven I know she is your-“ she was about to say girlfriend when she vaguely recalled a talk she had had with Lexa in the hospital. And at that memory she slapped Raven's arm.

“Why am I getting slapped here?” Raven asked indignantly, quickly running outside of Clarke’s range.

“Because you knew, and you didn’t tell me. Why didn’t you tell me about Lexa?”

Raven’s eyes brightened with excitement. “She told you?  That’s my girl! I mean my girls, of course. You’re still my girl too, Clarke, don’t worry.” She patted Clarke’s head and sat beside them. “Does this mean I get to be indignant and annoyed with you too?” She asked as she started eating the eggs. “By the way, I didn’t make these, Lexa did.”

“Why would you be annoyed with me?” Clarke asked, while she decided to try some of the eggs, seeing as Raven had only put them on a plate apparently.

Raven rolled her eyes. “You never told me you had a timer for instance.”

Clarke froze. “No, I don’t. I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She swallowed thickly, looking around nervously.

“Cut it out, Clarke, I know, I know about you and Lexa. You’re timer buddies or whatever you want to call it. So reason number two I am annoyed: You never told me you like girls!?!” Raven laughed, but stopped immediately when she saw Clarke’s face. “You weren’t talking about... oh shit, shit, shit, shit!”

Clarke simply stared at Raven. “I don’t… I mean I don’t like girls. I-” That’s when another vague memory popped up. She was making out with someone, some girl, some beautiful girl. “Oh god, oh god.” She looked at Raven in a panic. “I… I made out with her last night. What do I do, what do I do?” She was clearly panicking.

“Calm down. It’s not the end of the world.” Raven tried to calm her friend down. “So you made out with her, big deal. You’re both consenting adults, extremely beautiful, if you could have babies your children would be worshipped as gods, adults. What’s the big deal?”

“The big deal?” Clarke almost hissed. “I am with Finn.” She was quiet for a second, that wasn’t true anymore though, what was the big deal? She wasn’t sure. “No I know, that’s not what I meant. She is a girl, Raven. I don’t like girls that way.”

“Don’t you? Because you just admitted to making out with one while drunk. And we both know that drunk Clarke is a lot of things, but she isn’t drunk me. The only person _you_ have ever kissed drunk before this is Finn.”

Clarke knew Raven was right, and that was freaking her out even more. She couldn’t like a girl. She didn’t like girls. And even if she did, her timer person was supposed to be a man. How else could it make any sense? Timers meant genetic compatibility.

“I need to go.” Clarke quickly got up and fled out of the apartment. She ran the only place she could think of to find answers, her mom’s place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is such an annoying end, because what is going to happen?  
> My original plan was to have the abby talk in this chapter, but then the kissing happened and I had to choose. I'm assuming you agree that I made the right choice though.  
> Anyway as always let me know what you think, and thanks for all the wonderful feedback I have been getting so far. You guys are the best.


	6. Chapter 6

****

Lexa groaned as she opened her eyes. Her neck hurt, her back, but most of all her head. She couldn’t remember the last time she had been this hungover. Well, that wasn’t entirely true. The last time had been almost a year ago, but she really didn’t want to think about that now. Because this time her hangover was not accompanied by regrets, pain and sorrow, this time there was a distinct happiness to it.

Was she freaking out? Yes, definitely. She and Clarke had kissed; she could remember clear as day. It had felt amazing, exciting and terrifying at the same time, but they hadn’t really talked about any of it. What did this mean? Would they be together? She wanted to be, at that moment she wanted nothing more than to rush into this relationship with Clarke, she really wanted it. No, if she was totally honest to herself, (and why wouldn’t she be exactly that? At least with herself), she _needed_ to start her happily ever after.

She had been patient long enough. She had worked tirelessly to make sure she had her life together. She had given up all the things that made her life bearable, drinking, drugs, not caring about anything. Giving it all up had almost killed her, but she had done it because she knew she had to. So that when she and mystery girl would meet she’d have it together, so they could start their life, so this girl would want her, so Lexa could make her happy, but most of all so the girl could make Lexa happy. She would never admit this to anyone, but that was what she needed most of all. She felt incredibly selfish for it, but she needed to feel happy again, though she didn’t even really know what that felt like. She knew she had been happy with Costia, but how that felt, she wasn’t sure, every single memory from that time was saturated with too much sadness and resentment.

All of this was rushing through Lexa’s mind while she was still trying to force herself to get up. That was until she looked at the clock and realised she had never been this close to being late. She jumped up, rushing to the bathroom, which was locked to her frustration. Which was also the moment she realised that the last time she had seen Clarke, the girl had been on top of her, drooling slightly.

She knocked on the door, “Clarke? I know this is awkward, but I really need you to hurry up,  because-“ but she was in the middle of her sentence when she got startled by the door flinging open. And it wasn’t blue eyes staring at her, but brown ones that seemed to sparkle with mischief.

“Wrong roommate.” Raven mentioned to get past her lips with a toothbrush in her mouth.

“Raven, of course.” Lexa was exasperated with herself that she had forgotten about her actual roommate. “Listen, I am almost late for work, and I need to shower badly.”

“And change,” Raven added once she looked Lexa over once.

“And change,” Lexa agreed, and she added, “and I need aspirin so badly.”

Raven, who had turned around and headed back into the bathroom, came back without toothbrush and with the aspirin bottle. “Did you and Clarke have an after hospital party, or what?”

“What? Why would you say that?” Lexa felt a little uncomfortable discussing this, especially since she didn’t even know what ‘this’ was exactly.

“Well Clarke stumbled into my room begging for aspirin in the middle of the night and crashed in my room. Plus,” Raven headed into the living room and held up an almost empty bottle of vodka. “You practically drained my emergency alcohol.”

Lexa glared at the bottle as if it had personally offended her, mumbling “damn sex juice” to herself, but when she actually processed what Raven was saying she looked at the girl in confusion. “Did you just say emergency alcohol? What do you need emergency could you ever have that needs vodka?”

“What don’t you need it for?” Raven countered the question with a shrug, then she added “But didn’t you need to shower and change?”

“Oh right.” Lexa nodded and rushed into her room, grabbing her stuff and hopping into the shower.

When she emerged Raven was looking through the fridge. “We don’t have breakfast, because this thing is void of anything edible.”

“How is that possible? I stocked the fridge full with groceries yesterday, because yesterday morning we literally had nothing in the fridge except beer and eggrolls that looked like they’d been eaten once already, so I tossed those out.”

Raven turned around exasperated. “That was my breakfast! Now what I am supposed to eat. It’s your fault so fix it please.” Raven grinned and sat herself down on the counter next to the refrigerator.

“Raven, you can’t live off old Chinese food.” Lexa chided while opening the fridge and finding it stocked to the brim with all the groceries she had bought the day before. “This fridge is full of food, what are you talking about?”

Raven moved next to Lexa so they could both into the fridge. “Sadly nothing that’s in here is immediately edible, and the process to turn it into actual food has always eluded me.”

“You don’t cook? What a surprise.” Lexa rolled her eyes and turned her head to wink at Raven to let the girl know she was teasing, but Raven had rushed back into her room. “Fuck” Lexa mumbled to herself. She had offended Raven; this day was going to suck. She hadn’t meant to, it had just been a joke, but maybe it hadn’t been the nicest thing to say really. It was this damn hangover, that is what also made her dread apologising, but she knew she had to.

She headed to Raven’s room “Raven, I’m sorry, I didn’t-“ But once she was startled by the sudden appearance of her roommate.

“What are you babbling about?” Asked the brown-haired girl. “I just remembered I have actual proof of my cooking skills.”

She handed Lexa an official looking paper. “Is this a contract that says you’re only allowed to prepare food for people you have labelled as your nemesis, or when your significant other has cheated on you?” Lexa stared at the document in disbelief.

“Exactly.” Raven stated proudly. “Clarke made me sign it, after I got her and her mum almost in the hospital with food poisoning. Who knew that you really have to stick to expiration dates, right?” Raven sounded genuinely surprised. “I always figured it was some kind of conspiracy, after all miso makes the most delicious soups, and that’s basically rotting soybeans and stuff.”

“Please stop talking about rotting stuff.” Lexa started to feel a little sick.

Raven laughed “Alright, alright, consider it dropped. Will you please, please make some breakfast something though? I am starving.”

Lexa nodded. “I’ll whip up some eggs, but will you clean up after me? Because I really need to go to work.”

Raven agreed, so after some eggs Lexa rushed out the door, already looking forward to the moment she’d come home and lie down. She felt exhausted. And a small part of her, a part that she tried to ignore, really wanted to see Clarke. She wanted to talk to her, really talk, though she hadn’t mind the kissing either.

* * *

 

“Hey, honey. I was actually about to get ready for work.” Abby opened the door, but instead of answering Clarke walked past her mother and went inside. “Clarke? Are you okay? You look horrible. What happened to your hand?”

Now that she was here, Clarke had no idea what she was actually doing here. Well she knew, she was here to get more information, to freak out, to have her mother explain everything, so that it would all make sense. Or maybe even so that it would all turn out to be a mistake. She wasn’t sure which of those outcomes she preferred.

“Clarke? Clarke! I’m talking to you.” Abby followed Clarke inside. “What happened to your hand?”

Clarke groaned, her hand, she hadn’t even thought about that particular piece of news and how to tell her mother. She opened her mouth to casually say that she and Finn had broken up, but instead came a sob, and before she knew it she was crying as her mum pulled Clarke in her arms, slightly swaying her.

“Shhh, it’s going to be okay, sweetie.” That was all Abby said over and over again until Clarke calmed down a little. That’s when Abby forced them both to sit down on the sofa. She cupped Clarke’s face in her hands and whipped the tears from her eyes and smiled in that comforting way that only mothers can really do. “What’s wrong, honey?”

“Finn and I, we broke up yesterday. He is moving to the other side of the country for his job.” It was the truth, well part of the truth, it wasn’t a lie at least.

“Aw, sweetie, I’m so sorry.” Abby smiled sympathetically. “Do you want to talk about it? Or do you want me to drop it, and you can tell me what happened to your hand?”

Clarke closed her eyes for a second. “Well, it’s kind of what happened actually. I mean my hand, the break up, it’s the same story.” For the shortest moment Clarke considered lying to her mother. She didn’t want her mum to think badly of Finn, mostly because she knew how much her mum liked him. She knew that she could never do that though, if not only because Raven would take it upon herself to make sure Abby would know the truth.

“Finn and I we got into a fight and he wanted me to give him the keys because he wanted me out of our apartment, and then he got a little rough and I cut my hand. But it’s fine, really.” She quickly added, looking at her mom worriedly.

Abby just stared at Clarke for a moment or two before her expression got livid. “He did what? Has he lost his mind?!?” She was practically screaming, and Clarke, never having heard her mum scream, ever, jumped slightly.

“Mom, calm down, it was just a few stitches, I’m fine.”

“Stitches, Stitches? Oh baby.” Abby sighed, and then she noticed the bruise on her cheek. “And this? Did he do that too?”

“Mom it was nothing, I just bumped it when he forced me out of the apartment.”

Abby looked at Clarke with tears in her eyes. “Was this the first time? The first time he hurt you?” She had a pained look in her eyes, Clarke felt guilty for putting it there.

“Yes, mom, the first time. I promise.” She gave her mom a tentative smile, trying to gather the courage to talk to her mom about the other big issue in her life.

“Have you filed charges?”

“What, against who?” Clarke had been so focussed on how to start the timer conversation that she was entirely confused by her mother’s question.

“Against Finn of course.”

“No, and I won’t either. I’m just going to get my stuff and be done with it. He is moving any way, then I never have to see him again.” When she saw her mom opening her mouth to say something she quickly added. “Please, mom, can we drop it? I wanted to talk to you about something else.”

“Of course.” Abby looked at her daughter expectantly, wondering what could be worse than what she had just been told.

“It’s about your research.”

Abby blinked. “You want to stop discussing Finn, because you want to talk about my job?” She asked, just to make sure she understood.

“Yes,” Clarke nodded. “Why do gay people exist?”

“Clarke!” Her mother looked scandalised.

Clarke quickly looked up at her mom. “No, mum, not like that. I mean is there a scientific reason. Is it genes or is it how you were raised or?”

Abby let out a relieved laugh. “I was going to say, that is not how I…we raised you, Clarke Griffin.” Then she looked at her daughter thoughtfully. “May I ask what this is about?”

“You may ask, but I don’t have to answer.” Clarke and Abby smiled, both thinking back to the time after Clarke’s father had died. Asking if it was okay to ask a question and let the other one decide if they would answer it was the way the mother and daughter had managed to check in on each other without actually having to talk about it if one of them couldn’t at that point.

“Well alright. Let me see. There are different theories about why people are gay. But you know it’s not just people, there are quite a number of animal species that have gay coupling and couples as well. But that wasn’t your question.” Abby took a moment to gather her thoughts. “Alright, look, I am not an expert on this as you know. But if I look it from the side of evolution then there is this theory, and there has actually been done research about it that says it can be an evolutionary advantage to be gay. Not for the gay person himself, but for the family.   
Because it is widely accepted that your sexual preference is genetics. And with that sexual preference and therefor genetic expression come other behaviours as well, that are not really clear. But what we do know is that in families where there are gay men for example, the straight women of that family are also more likely to have a husband, and the same thing goes the other way around. You’re still following me?”

She looked at her daughter. Clarke nodded, wanting her mother to continue. Somehow Clarke felt like this was one of the most important things she had ever heard.

“Alright then,” Abby Continued. “So it seems that the genes that make a man gay, when expressed in a female make her more attractive to other, straight men. And like I said the same goes vice versa.” Abby smiled. “See this is why science is so important. This is how we know that being gay is not a sin, or even a mistake, it’s genetics trying to help survival, it’s completely natural.”

Clarke nodded, she tried to wrap her mind around what her mom said. “What about asexual people though, and…” she was quiet for a second before she added “bisexual people.”

Abby thought for a second. “Honestly, Clarke? I cannot give you a definitive answer on that, but I am certain they fit in that somehow as well. I can track down some research about it if you want?”

“No, that’s okay.” Clarke smiled, she felt incredibly relieved. Now that her mom had said it was genetics and all that, she realised how scared she had been that her mother had said that it was nonsense and that there was really no point at all. She realised that that was absolutely ridiculous though.

“I have another question though.” This was another question that she dreaded to ask, or more dreaded the answer to. She was afraid her mom said that it was impossible to have a same sex timer person, but at the same time another part of her hoped she would say exactly that. “Can gay people get timers?”

Abby stared at her daughter for a second, and it looked like something clicked and for a second Clarke was afraid her mother knew somehow. But then Abby simply replied. “Of course they can. Why wouldn’t they.”

“Well,” Now it was Clarke’s turn to be surprised, she had thought it was obvious. “If it’s all about genetic compatibility and securing offspring why would gay people get it?”

Abby had to laugh at that. “Clarke, why do men have nipples?”

Clarke stared at her mother, that was the strangest question she had ever heard and she couldn’t come up with a satisfying answer.

“I’ll tell you, because there is no evolutionary reason not to. Men with nipples are not less likely to reproduce, so nipple-less men never took over the genepool. It’s the same with the timers. There is not really a genetic downside to it, that’s why people still have them now I think.”

“It’s not a downside?” Clarke was so surprised by this that the question she had told herself she would never ask, because she was afraid of the answer. “So it doesn’t mean that people with Timers are unevolved?”

Clarke Griffin! Do you consider yourself unevolved? That’s incredibly self-deprecating and offensive.”

Clarke stared at her mother in shock. “You know?”

Abby smiled “Of course I know, you’re my daughter, sweetie. How could I not know?”

“Finn didn’t know.”

Abby hmpfed. “Well, I think we have established that Finn is no good anyway, so.”

“Why did you never say anything, mum?” Clarke felt herself tear up again, to her own frustration

“Isn’t it obvious? You never said anything about it to me. I knew you’d talk to me when you were ready. I had hoped it would be before it ran out, but by your questions and my estimation I’m guessing it already happened.” She leaned back into the couch and pulled her daughter towards her, tucking her against her side. “So tell me about your timer-partner, is she nice?”

That’s when Clarke started crying again in earnest. All of the adrenaline came pouring out, too much had happened in the past 24 hours. So she leaned into her mother’s comforting hold and just let herself cry for a while. And Abby let her, holding her daughter, making sure she knew she was loved no matter what.

* * *

 

Lexa was heading to the breakroom, her lunchbreak had just started and she needed to put her feet up and close her eyes. She had never had to work with a hangover and she would make sure she never had to do it again. It had been horrible, the customers had been too loud and too rude. Normally she was known for her endless patience, which meant whenever there were problems her colleagues sent their customers to her. Usually this wasn’t a problem, Lexa even liked it, to her it proved that her colleagues valued her, but today she hated them for it.

She grabbed her phone from her locker, seeing a missed call from Anya, and a few text messages.

**Lex, please don’t be angry. I only wanted to protect you, but you’re right and I am sorry. I prescribed the rest of the pills you can pick them up after work.**

Lexa smiled, and quickly called her sister. “Thanks for trusting me.”

“Lexa!” Anya sounded so happy to hear from her. “I’m glad you called, I’m so sorry, I-“

“It’s okay, I understand why you’d worry. I’d probably do the same if I had been in your position. It’s fine. It’s just, you know how hard I worked to get clean and it just hurt that you would doubt that. But like I said, I totally get it, I deserve it for everything I have done, most of all to you.” After the last words Lexa had to swallow thickly.

“Oh, Lex,” Anya’s voice sounded sad, and soft. “You have to stop feeling so guilty. I don’t blame you, everything worked out. And the prescriptions, it’s not…” she sighed, ‘My concerns had nothing to do with any residual anger you worry I might have. I just worry, after all I am the big sister. And like I said, you can just get the prescription after work. They know you’re picking it up. I really have to go, but we’ll talk later?”

“Of course, I’ll call you after I’m done with my shift. Maybe you can have dinner at my place?” Lexa and Anya both laughed.

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world. My apartment feels so big and empty without you. Love you.”

“Love you.” Lexa hung up the phone. She immediately felt a little better. She was glad she had talked to Anya, they almost never had disagreements and her heart always felt heavy when they had. Now she could feel that she was actually hungry, she quickly ate some lunch and headed back to work. The prospect of angry customers didn’t seem so bad anymore.

At the end of her shift though, she knew she had been too optimistic about the customers, sure she hadn’t been as close to strangling every single one of them as she had that morning, but she still thanked god that this shift was done. All she had to do now was picking up Clarke’s medication. She should probably call the girl to let her know. That’s when she realised that she didn’t have any way to contact her.

“Hey, Raven? It’s me, Lexa” Lexa was trying to get her coat on while calling Raven at the same time. “Do you have Clarke’s phone number? I have to let her know something, and we didn’t get a chance to exchange numbers.”

The voice on the other end of the line was not as cheerful as she had expected. “Lexa, hi. Uh about Clarke…”

Lexa felt fear settle in her chest at her roommate’s words. “What’s wrong? Is she hurt? Is it that bastard, Finn? I swear I will kill him!”

“Wowowo, calm down, Mike Tyson, no need to bite Finn’s ear off. Clarke is fine, well physically, well not more hurt than she was the last time you saw her. I’m rambling, am I rambling? Never mind don’t answer that. This is weird, right? You’re supposed to be the awkward one, and me the cool-“

“Raven,” Lexa sighed into her phone, as she crossed the street towards the bus stop, “you _are_ rambling. What’s wrong with Clarke?”

“Right, well I know I maybe should have called you, but you have to understand that I’m in the middle here. I mean you are my roommate, but Clarke is my best friend, I mean sure you two have your thing going on, but I’m in the middle.”

Lexa’s patience was running thin. “Raven!” She snapped into the phone “you’re doing it again. Just tell me, because you’re starting to freak me out.”

“Of course, shit sorry, really. It’s just I may have accidentally told Clarke you are timer buddies. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. It was a misunderstanding, see I thought you’d told her already.”

At the same time as Raven was finishing her sentence Lexa laughed, “Raven don’t worry I already told her or well she figured it out last night.”

That’s when both girls were again speaking loudly at the same time. “What do you mean she already figured it out?”

“What do you mean, you thought I told her?!?”

“Oh fuck” Raven mumbled “Are you sure she knew? Because when I let it slip, she, well she kind of freaked out. Okay to be fair there was no kind of, it was a freak out, a big freak out. She basically yelled at me that she didn’t have a timer, that she didn’t like girls and that she was with Finn and then bolted out of the apartment.”

“Oh, okay…” Lexa’s voice was almost a whisper and sounded incredibly flat. “Raven thanks for telling me, I really have to go now, I’ll see you at home.”

Lexa almost threw her phone on the ground, but thought better of it and let it slide into the pocket of her coat. She felt sick, she had to throw up. She could have handled Clarke not being ready for a relationship, or maybe even just being friends. But not this, the moment Clarke had the chance she had bolted, even worse she had gone back to Finn. She chose someone who hurt her over Lexa. When she realised that she felt a sharp pain in her chest. She felt like she couldn’t breathe, like the air around her wasn’t air but something else. She felt like a fish on dry land.

Lexa had no idea how to deal with this, this rejection. Her one chance of happiness and she had ruined it. She hadn’t been able to control her urges; she had wanted this to work out so badly that she had deluded herself that Clarke had actually wanted it too. But the girl had been drunk. Oh god, had Lexa sexually assaulted her? She had, she was just as bad as Finn. She had pushed Clarke, forced her to do something she didn’t want to and with that she had pushed her back into Finn’s arms. If she thought she had felt wrong before this revelation she felt even worse after. Even though she had been preparing herself for years for the moment of their meeting, she had still ruined it. In the end she had no control over herself. Why would she even try anymore?

When Lexa resurfaced slightly from her dark train of thoughts because her phone beeped, she found herself against her favourite tree. The text message was from Anya.

**The pharmacy called that you didn’t pick up the painkillers yet, you’d better hurry, they close in an hr!**

All Lexa saw was the word painkillers, that’s what she needed. She needed something to take away this pain, that’s all she wanted to not feel this ache for a few seconds, and she knew exactly how.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is the worst moment to end this chapter, but at least you'll be happy to see the next update, right?  
> Also mama Griffin's explanation is an actual scientific theory of why there are gay people. It'ssuper interesting, at least I think it is.  
> As always thanks for all the support, and feedback is much appreciated!


	7. Chapter 7

The visit to her mom had been exactly what Clarke needed. She hadn’t realised how much until she lay on the couch, curled up against her mother.

After their conversation Abby had gotten up and called her boss to say she’d be working from home for the day. The she had made tea for the two of them, before heading back to Clarke and pulling her daughter towards her as they just talked. Clarke had been stunned to discover that there had been a lot that she had not been telling her mother, and she realised Raven, or any of her other friends. All the problems that she had been having with Finn the past six months came as a shock to her mother and she gently scolded Clarke.

Clarke felt like hanging her head in shame, as she was revisiting the past months she saw too that things hadn’t been good between her and Finn since a while. It hadn’t just been the promotion, it had been Finn himself, the amount of control he felt to exert over her, or even the fact that he was dismissing her art.

And if she was honest it was herself as well, instead of talking about it she had done what she always did, telling herself that it was nothing, to just ignore it, and to pull back into her own world. Her world was the only place she really felt comfortable expressing her feelings, she had always been better with a paintbrush or pencil than with words. So instead of talking about it to Finn or anyone else, she had started building a wall that no one could penetrate. At times Clarke herself hadn’t been able to, she had had no idea what she was feeling, and her inspiration had dwindled accordingly. But instead of getting worried she had chosen to interpret it as a sign that things were getting better. Only now she was starting to see how wrong she had been.

It wasn’t like everything was okay now, but things were better. If she was honest she wasn’t even that sad about her break up. She wondered now if it was more the shock of the break up that had upset her than anything else. She actually felt a little relieved, knowing that after she would pick up her stuff she would never have to see Finn again.

That had also brought up the problem that she was technically homeless. Which of course had brought up Lexa again. As Clarke was explaining to Abby how Lexa was Raven’s roommate. That the girl was sleeping in her old bed, which conjured up visions of a sleeping Lexa in the soft morning light. And how Lexa had taken her to the hospital, how caring she had been. Of course her mom also wanted to hear the story about how they first met, and when they knew they were connected.

Clarke had felt embarrassed telling the story, and had chosen to keep a lot out of it, but she couldn’t help telling Abby over and over again how sweet Lexa had been, how fierce she was in protecting Clarke from Finn, but also how vulnerable and scared the girl seemed at times. Clarke couldn’t rationally explain why, but there was a part of her that worried about the girl since the first time she had laid eyes on her. There was something in her eyes, in the way the girl carried herself, that made Clarke want to wrap her arms around the girl and kiss anything bad that had happened to her away. Those thoughts Clarke didn’t voice, for obvious reasons. She could hardly accept from herself that she was having these thoughts, she wasn’t ready to share them with the world.

However, Clarke was also acutely aware that her protective instinct wasn’t just based on irrational feelings, Lexa had told her that she had had problems before in her life, and even though she had told her that it was okay now, Clarke knew it had had a lot of impact on the girl’s life, if her sister’s reaction to having medication around her was anything to go on. Clarke didn’t tell her mother about this though, and not as with Finn, because she wanted to pretend the problems didn’t exist. But Clarke herself had no idea of how big the impact was, or what had actually happened. It wasn’t her place to tell anyone.

If she was completely honest, she felt a little bit disappointed that this, whatever this was between herself and Lexa, wasn’t going to be like it was in the stories, the perfect love story where everything just fell into place when they saw each other. But she knew that this was real life and not some story. And if she thought to the beginning of her relationship with Finn and this one than there was one thing that was so obviously different, without counting the timer, from the moment they had met the girl hadn’t left her thoughts, for more than a few minutes, once.

With the conversation that she had with her mom, one thing once again became glaringly obvious, she was in fact homeless. Her mom had offered to come back home for a little, and Clarke had decided to take her up on it. She would go looking for an apartment immediately, because at 22 she didn’t much like the idea of moving back in with her mother, no matter how wonderful of a mom she was.

She decided to go to Raven’s to check in at the end of the afternoon. She could talk to Raven, get her suitcase that was still there, get Lexa to call her sister because her hand was still hurting, and, Clarke could feel a rush of excitement and nerves flood her system if she thought about it, she could have a chat with Lexa. Yes, they should definitely talk, last night had hardly been sufficient, though extremely pleasant. She was sure the other girl had questions as well, Clarke at least had a ton. She wanted to know more about Lexa, but she also wanted to know where they would go from here, because Clarke didn’t have the faintest idea of what would be appropriate.

“Well well well, if it isn’t miss Freak out. Feel better, drama queen? Ready to start confessing?”

“Really that’s how you welcome me back?” Clarke headed in the apartment, looking around if she saw Lexa.

“Fine,” Raven sighed, “do we really have to have another emotional talk. Wasn’t yesterday and the day before that enough?”

Clarke settled herself down on the couch beside Raven. “What emotional talks? Yesterday I was drunk out of my mind, and the day before that you just yelled at me.”

“Hmm,” Raven pretended to think deeply, “then what am I thinking of? Oh right, this morning, when I tried to talk to you, and you just let out a loud scream and ran out the door.”

Clarke rolled her eyes. “You make me sound insane, I just,” she thought how she should phrase it, “I wasn’t quite prepared for the revelations that came to me in that time. There was the realisation that Finn and I were over, the realisation that I liked girls, the realisation that I liked Lexa, and the realisation that instead of figuring things out calmly I had pretty much assaulted her the night before.”

“Wow, hold up, assaulted?” Raven’s eyes shone with excitement “Lexa didn’t tell me about that, tell me, tell me.”

“You talked to Lexa?” Clarke was curious to know where the girl was. She knew it was absolutely ridiculous, but she thought she might miss the girl already.

“Yeah yeah, who cares. Assault, spill.” Raven grinned at Clarke.

“You know, you’re being incredibly nosy. This isn’t any of your business.” Clarke didn’t feel comfortable talking about this, especially because she didn’t know how Lexa felt about it. Maybe she wanted to keep it a secret, maybe she hadn’t even really wanted to do it.

“It’s absolutely my business.” Raven countered, “It couldn’t be more of my business if I tried, well apart from me sleeping with either of you, or both of you.” For a second Raven stared wistfully into the distance, but then she shook her head.  “Anyway, you are my best friend, and Lexa is my roommate, that makes it my business.”

“Fine, I’ll tell you, but then can you call Lexa? My hand is hurting really bad and her sister said she’d give me some pain killers.”

“Yay!” Raven clapped her hands together.

“Nothing happened, really, I just realised that Lexa had a timer, and what that meant for us, and I was trying to process what that meant, but then she looked so… I don’t even know Raven, she just looked so sad, and all I could think was that I couldn’t bear the thought that _I_ was making her so sad, and then I looked at her, and all I could think about was kissing her, and then we kissed.”

Thinking back to that moment made her smile, and maybe blush a little. Looking back, the only way Clarke could describe it was as if it had been her first kiss. Not that she was inexperienced, no her and Finn had had their fair amount of sex. She had always thought of kissing and sex as something that was a chore, an okay chore, even pleasant at times, but she had never felt the kind of passion or intensity that others seemed to have. She had always just figured that that’s how she was. But now, she wasn’t sure what the difference was, well she did know, the difference was Lexa, but anyway, now she could finally understand people who said that there was nothing they loved more than kissing the other person. Because she couldn’t imagine anything she would find more enticing than kissing Lexa, except maybe painting her.

“Clarke!”

Clarke startled, turning red, her mind had gone to imagine how it would be to have Lexa lie underneath her, following the curve of her back with a paintbrush. What was wrong with her? Things like this never happened to her. Was she going crazy? For a second she contemplated if she should ask Raven, but as she tried to imagine asking it, she knew Raven would never stop teasing her.

“Right, sorry. I… I got distracted.” Clarke, moved her hand through her hair. “Can you call Lexa? My hand is really starting to hurt.” Her hand really did hurt, but she couldn’t deny that she was happy to be able to distract Raven from the current topic of conversation.

She watched as Raven dialled Lexa’s number. “That’s weird, it is going directly to voice mail. Let me try again.” But after three times with the same result, she sighed. “Maybe she’s still at work.”

“Oh, what kind of work does she do?” Clarke was a little disappointed that she couldn’t get the medication yet, but figured that this way she could at least learn something about the other girl.

“Oh she works at that big grocery store, Grounders. I’m not sure what she does exactly, I imagine- Wait!” All of a sudden Raven jumped up.” I have Anya’s number, Lexa insisted that she would leave emergency contact information with me just in case. I swear that girl is just. Anyway who knew we would actually come in useful.” She headed to the fridge, taking off some random notes, trying to find the phone number. “Gotcha!”

She headed back to the couch as she dialled Anya’s number. “Hi, Anya? It’s Raven, your sister’s roommate.” Then after a second she quickly added “No, don’t worry, everything is okay. It’s just, I have Clarke here, you know, the girl that… Yes, exactly!” Raven threw her head back and laughed, but quickly stopped when she saw Clarke narrow her eyes.

“Anyway, Clarke is here, and her hand is hurting like a bitch, and you had told her you could give her some medication.” Raven was quiet again for a second and Clarke noticed how Raven’s face fell a little. “Really? No she isn’t here yet, and she is not answering her phone. Yes, okay, you’ll call me back in a bit? Okay, bye.”

Raven turned to Clarke, who felt her stomach drop. “Anya said that she already told Lexa to pick up the prescription and that she had said that she would after work, which ended” Raven looked at the clock “a little over 2 hours ago.”

Clarke swallowed thickly, “But that’s not weird, right? I mean maybe she had to meet someone, or she is in traffic.”

Raven shrugged, “Sure, it could be, I suppose.”

“But you don’t think it is.” Clarke noticed Raven’s lack of conviction.

Raven sent an apologetic, yet little sad smile. “Honestly, I don’t know. Normally I wouldn’t worry, but Anya says she doesn’t have that many friends, and usually she doesn’t stay late, or go anywhere without telling anyone. But Anya is going to see if she picked up the prescription and call her again.”

Clarke frowned, she didn’t have a good feeling about this. She didn’t know why; it was just a feeling in the pit of her stomach. She stared at Raven’s phone, trying to force it to ring with good news by sheer willpower.

When Anya finally called though Clarke immediately knew it wasn’t good news. The tone of Raven’s voice was deflated as she nodded. “Alright, sure. We’ll see you in a bit then. And Anya if there’s anything I can do.”

“What’s wrong?” Clarke demanded to know. Her mind was making up dreadful scenarios, and she desperately needed to hear that it was no big deal, that she was overreacting.

Raven let herself fall back against the couch with a sigh. “I don’t know.” She saw Clarke was about to say something so she added “Really, Clarke, I don’t know. Anya says she picked up the prescription right out of work, nearly two hours ago. And she is really worried. She is coming over to bring your meds before trying to find her.” Raven looked back at Clarke. “I can’t tell if she is overreacting, or if Lexa really could be in trouble. I mean she looks like she can take care of herself. Look at what she did to Finn!” Raven chuckled to herself.

Clarke, on the other hand, thought back to Lexa on the couch, exactly where Raven was sitting right now, her arms wrapped around herself as if to hold herself together. At first glance nothing would seem wrong, but her eyes had told a different story. Her eyes said that Lexa had had to take care of herself for far too long.

“I don’t know, Raven.” Clarke looked down at her hands; she felt like she was about to tell Raven something she shouldn’t. “Lexa said something last night about trouble she had had with medication before. She and Anya had an argument about it. I think we should trust Anya. It doesn’t feel right.”

Raven frowned and looked at Clarke. “I didn’t realise. What do you mean, it doesn’t feel right?”

Clarke shrugged, she couldn’t explain it, not even to herself. “I don’t know, it’s just a feeling. I can’t really explain. I just can’t bear to think that she might be in trouble and that we’re not even out looking for her. She needs to know we care.”

“Do we care?”

“Raven!” Clarke looked at the girl with astonishment and anger.

“Calm down, Griffin!” Raven looked a little alarmed. “That was maybe a little too harsh a statement, I just mean. I know her for like 3 days and you even less. Why do you care so much? This morning you ran away from her.”

Clarke rubbed her hand over her face. “I don’t know, okay. I don’t know why or how. She just, she is important, okay?”

“Alright alright,” Raven moved closer to Clarke and wrapped her arm around her best friend “it’ll be okay, we’ll help Anya look. It’s going to be fine.”

Clarke leaned in Raven’s embrace a little. Why was she feeling so strongly now? This morning she had hoped that her mom would tell her this was a mistake. But she knew why she cared. Lexa was special, and Lexa was a promise for a better future, and Clarke was just beginning to open up to that possibility, she couldn’t lose it, not when they hadn’t even had a chance yet.

They both jumped up when they heard a knock. Raven jumped up and rushed to the front door. Anya walked in and gave them a tight smile. “Here is your medication, Clarke. I’m really sorry it took this long.”

“Don’t be, it’s fine. Really.” Clarke smiled.

“Alright well, I’m going to go look for her.” Anya was already heading for the door when Clarke jumped up.

“Wait, we want to come with you, we want to help.” She looked at Raven who nodded, and then looked back at Anya, who was looking doubtful.

“I don’t know…”

“Please, Anya, we can help. We want to help.” Clarke was practically begging.

“Clarke, I’m sorry, but with those meds, and the places we need to go, you’ll just be a burden. I’m sorry if that’s harsh, but she could be in real trouble.”

“I won’t take them.”

Anya stared at Clarke in surprise. “I thought your hand hurt?”

“It does, but who cares about a little pain. It’s not unbearable. I want to help find Lexa.”

Anya’s gaze softened a little. “Okay, but before we go I need to explain some things. Let’s sit down.” Anya gestured towards the couch and Clarke had to smile to herself, this was doctor Anya, she recognised the calm, professional front.

“I am not going to share Lexa’s story with you. That’s Lexa’s story to tell, and it’s her choice if and when to tell you. All I am going to do is prepare you what we might find.” Anya looked at both girls and they both gave a quick nod to show their understanding.

“Okay,” Anya sighed, “I want to prepare you both. There is a good possibility that we’ll find her drunk or high on drugs, or…” Anya took a deep breath to steady herself “maybe even worse. I…she never, honestly I don’t know what we might find. But chances that she is inebriated are extremely high. There has been a period in Lexa’s life where she used anything she could get her hands on to get through the day. She has been clean for a long time, but well there is always the possibility of a relapse. Did you notice anything when you last spoke to her?”

Clarke and Raven both thought back to the last time they saw or spoke to Lexa. Clarke was wondering if the kiss might have been too much too soon for the other girl after all when she heard Raven gasp.

Clarke and Lexa looked at Raven. “I spoke to her when she got off work.” Raven turned to Clarke, looking miserable. “I told her about your freak out. She wanted your number, and I figured that might not be the best idea right then. She had sounded fine.”

Anya closed her eyes for a second, and then she looked up sadly at Raven. “Raven, it isn’t your fault, Lexa is really sensitive about her timer and the person attached to it,” her eyes rested on Clarke. “The timer was what made her get help, it was her life line.” Anya got up quickly, restless with anger all of a sudden. “But how could she be so stupid? What about me?”

Clarke, who sensed Anya was close to losing it. “Anya, we don’t know what is going on. She might still be fine. Let’s go find her first, okay?” She smiled gently, walking to the girl and rest her hand on the woman’s arm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know, this is really not going fast enough, just a quick Clarke chapter. It was originally combined with Lexa, but the chapter was turning into a 10k monstrosity.  
> But I promise I'll update sometime in the next 3 days.  
> As always let me know what you thinkif you fel like it.  
> (Or visit me on tumblr maybethesnoresbewithyou)


	8. Chapter 8

It had been over an hour, she had been sitting here for over an hour, Lexa could hardly believe it. An hour of putting pills in her mouth only to spit them out again, over and over. There were only a few left in the bottle, while the rest lay at her feet. It had seemed so easy when she read Anya’s text message. She thought back to the rush of adrenalin that flooded her system when she had made her decision. All those pesky thoughts about responsibility were simply drowned out by want. It was like by making the choice her entire body had allowed her to feel the craving that had always been there, but that she’d been supressing. She felt on edge, even a little anxious, but at the same time it was exhilarating. She was looking forward to it; to feel the sense of calm she knew she would get if she took some of the pills. There wouldn’t be any pain, no feelings, just a gentle haze; she wouldn’t have to think, she would just be nothing.

Now that she had the pills she found herself staring at them. She craved the sensation so much, which forced her to take some, but as soon as she felt them on her tongue she would hear this voice in her head, which sounded too much like Anya, that she shouldn’t, that it would hurt Anya so much, that if she went off the deep end now she would never return. That’s what stopped her every time; she didn’t want to be the cause of anymore pain for Anya. Yet she couldn’t make herself stop either. The same voice also tried to talk about Clarke, but the simple thought that even now she couldn’t stop herself from thinking of the blonde made her irrationally angry, which would force the next round of pill popping, and so it went on.

She still hadn’t made up her mind when she was pulled from her reveries by the voice of a man. “If you’re going to waste them anyway, give them to me.” She looked up, startled to see a man standing over her. She shook her head, clenching the bottle in her fist as she got up, trying to move away. These pills were Clarke’s, not his. She knew she should give him the pills, that way the temptation would be gone and it was clear the man wasn’t planning to let her be otherwise. But she couldn’t give it up, the pull of the possibility of freedom was too strong.

The man seemed annoyed, “I said give them to me.” He stepped closer with each word. “I’m only going to ask one more time.”

Lexa found herself trapped against into a corner, desperately looking for a way out. There wasn’t one though, she knew it, and so did the man, who advanced on Lexa with a menacing grin, closing his hand over her fist. “I said, give me those pills!” He demanded. But all Lexa could do was desperately shake her head, she shoved the bottle in her pocket. He couldn’t do this, she wouldn’t let him take those pills away from her. “You, stupid girl.” He smacked Lexa’s face. “Give them, now!”

That was the moment that Lexa lost control. All the anger, sadness, pain, every single emotion bubbled to the surface. She grabbed his fist, wrenched her hand loose and kicked him as hard as she could. The man, taken completely by surprise by the attack, stumbled backwards. When he looked back at Lexa it was clear he was livid. ”You, little bitch!” He growled as he pulled a knife. Lexa wasn’t scared however, people had pulled knives on her before, and besides she was entirely too angry. She simply grabbed his wrist and twisted it, forcing the man to drop the knife, then she forced his knee into his stomach, and when he dropped to the ground she proceeded to kick him. She knew she should stop, she never hurt someone if she could help it, only in self-defence, but that stage had already passed. She couldn’t stop though, it felt too good to let go of all this pent up emotion.

Once again she had been too focussed on herself, she only realised the man’s plan when he had already grabbed her legs, causing her to lose balance and fall over. Before she had entirely realised what was happening the man was straddling her, throwing in as many punches as she could. Lexa lifted her arms to shield herself, but it wasn’t enough, she could feel her nose start to swell, and her the punches hurt. She managed to get a hold of the man, trying to get him off her. She half succeeded, struggling to get upright as the man did the same they both tried to get as many punches and kicks in as they could. Lexa could feel a warm trickle of blood drip down the side of her face, but she knew that If she focussed on it too much she would start to feel the pain and then she was lost.

In the end she lost anyway, the man gave her a kick to the ribs that knocked the breath out of her and she fell backwards her head hitting the pavement. Even as she was losing consciousness she found herself almost feeling relieved. Sure she was in pain, but soon she would pass out, she wouldn’t have to feel or think. She couldn’t even worry about what happened after that, because it felt like there was no after.

But then she felt the man digging through her pockets. No, she thought, those pills weren’t for him, he couldn’t have them. She didn’t need them for herself anymore, but they were for Clarke. She was the one that really needed them. So the last thing she did was to groan Clarke’s name, trying to fend her attacker off, before everything faded to black.

* * *

 

They’d been out looking for Clarke didn’t know how long. She had seen a lot of places she didn’t even know existed. She had thought she knew this city in and out, having lived here pretty much her entire life, but clearly she was wrong. Then again these were the kind of places you would only go if you had no other place. She had felt really uncomfortable seeing people huddled together on the ground, some on drugs or drinking, some old, and some very young.

Clarke could feel her heart ache for all of them. “Aren’t there shelters?” She whispered to Anya as she walked by a particularly young girl.

Anya shook her head. ”There are shelters, but they don’t have enough room for everyone, plus you’re not allowed to be there if you’re drunk, high or even carrying alcohol or drugs. And if you get caught you get banned for half a year. It’s good they have those rules, but you understand why some of them choose the streets instead.”

Clarke nodded, thinking of Lexa, trying to imagine her lying on the ground somewhere. She could almost feel tears burning in her eyes. Just the thought that the girl felt that this was somehow preferable over facing the fact that Clarke wasn’t interested made her feel sorry, and incredibly guilty.

Raven squeezed her hand. “It’s not your fault, Clarke.” The silence that Raven implied that she silently added “it’s mine.”

“Neither of you are at fault here.” Anya turned around with a sigh. “I know you both feel guilty, and I understand why, I really do. But you have to remember that you two didn’t do anything wrong. You didn’t know and even if you did you didn’t force her. Lexa makes her own decisions; she chose to do this herself. None of us made her.” Anya clenched her fist, taking a steadying breath to fight of the tears.

“There is one person left that we can ask, if he doesn’t know then…” She supressed a sob, that broke Clarke’s heart all over again, ”I don’t know what to do.”

“Let’s worry about that when we have to.” Clarke was thankful for Raven’s levelheadedness, in moments like this it was a godsend.

“Right,” Anya nodded, her face brightening slightly as her gaze looked past Clarke. “Aden!” she rushed past the both of them towards someone who seemed to be walking through the alley towards them. Both Raven and Clarke quickly followed her.

As soon as the boy noticed them rushing towards them he turned around though, running away from them as fast as he could, glancing over his shoulder to see if they were coming after them.

“Aden, wait!” Anya started running as well, Clarke simply couldn’t keep up with her, and neither could Raven, though she wasn’t as slow as Clarke.

In the meantime, Anya continued calling. “It’s me, Anya, I’m looking for Lexa.”

“Anya?” At Lexa’s name the boy stopped and turned around, he gave Clarke and Raven a suspicious look. “Who are they then?” He asked as he gestured towards them. Clarke wondered if she should be offended that Aden was so suspicious of her, but as she came closer her thoughts softened. The boy couldn’t have been older than 16, he had on a coat that was much too big for him and dirty, but at least it looked warm.

“Those are Lexa’s friends. Have you seen her? We’re really worried about her.”

“If you can’t find her she doesn’t want to be found, so why would I tell you?” The boy demanded, his eyes narrowing again as he looked at Anya. Clarke was surprised by the hostility in the boy’s voice. It was completely at odds with the look in his eyes. His eyes were warm, they showed thinly veiled kindness, maybe even some affection as he glared at Anya.

“Aden, this isn’t Lexa taking a time out. She isn’t under her tree, she isn’t near the bridge, the shelter or the graveyard.” Anya started all the places they had already visited.

The tree and graveyard had interested Clarke most, the other places there were more homeless people, so she assumed they were places where Lexa had been when she had been homeless. That much she had figured out already, or Anya had told her actually. The park and the graveyard seemed more specific to Lexa though. The park she could understand, it was quiet and beautiful there, but the graveyard could only mean she had lost someone close to her. Clarke was desperate to know who it was, but she hadn’t been brave enough to ask.

“She has pills on her, we _need_ to find her before it’s too late.”

At those words Aden’s hostility completely vanished. He gasped, “No,” he shook his head, “she wouldn’t, Anya. I know she wouldn’t.” It had sounded more like a plea than a statement. Clarke knew for sure when she saw his face, he was begging Anya to tell him that she was wrong.

Anya shook her head, “She has, Aden, I’m sorry. So you see, we have to get to her.”

Aden nodded, but looked miserable at the same time. “I haven’t seen her, and neither has the rest of the kru, or they would have told me.” He hesitated for a second before asking. “Where did she get pills? Why didn’t she come to me? She promised she would come to me if it got hard.”

Clarke who had expected Anya to tell Aden he couldn’t have helped her, that he was too young to deal with these kinds of things was surprised when Anya said quietly. “I don’t know, Aden, we’ll ask her when we find her, okay?” She walked over to the boy and took his hand, pulling him towards Raven and Clarke.

“This is Raven, she is Lexa’s new roommate.” Aden looked a little nervous, but smiled nonetheless. “Nice to meet you.” He rubbed his hand on his trousers before extending it to her. Raven shook his hand and smiled “likewise.”

Then everyone turned their attention to Clarke. “This is Clarke, Lexa’s…uh” Anya looked a little awkward, trying to come up with the appropriate term, “friend.” Was what she decided on in the end.

Clarke saw a spark of curiosity in the boy’s eyes, but he didn’t say anything as they shook hands. “Nice to meet you, Aden.”

That’s when Anya’s phone rang, they all turned to her, hoping it was Lexa. Sadly though, it wasn’t. “Hey Linc, is it urgent? I am kind of in the middle of something.” Clarke was about to focus her attention on something else when she saw Anya’s eyes go wide.

“She what?!? Hold on, Lincoln I’m putting you on speaker.” She immediately held her phone out, as the rest of them gathered around it.

On the other side of the line there was the voice of a man. “Anya? No, what do you mean speaker?” He lowered his voice “I shouldn’t even be calling you. Do you know how much trouble I could get in?”

“I know, Linc, and I appreciate it, but these are just people who love her too. It’s not like I’m hanging out with the chief or something.”

“Right, well like I said, your sister is here, in the emergency room. She isn’t in critical condition, but she was found unconscious and beaten up pretty badly in an alley. She hasn’t regained consciousness yet.”

“I’m coming right now.” Anya said this at the exact moment Clarke thought it, making her think for a second that Anya read her mind.

“No, absolutely not, you can’t!” Lincoln sounds frantic now. “She has come in as a Jane Doe, you can’t come until they find out who she is and they call you, or else I’ll be in so much trouble.”

Clarke was about to say screw this, they needed to see Lexa, but once again Anya surprised her. “Okay, you’re right, I’m sorry. But Linc, please make sure they find out her identity as soon as possible. I don’t know how long I can keep waiting.”

“You got it.”

When he had hung up Clarke was about to ask why Anya had agreed to wait, but Raven beat her to it. “What the hell, Anya? I’m not waiting another second!” She had started to turn around and head off, when Anya grabbed her sleeve.

“Raven, please I know it’s hard. Don’t you think I want to rush to the hospital? She is my sister?”

“Then why don’t you?” Clarke demanded to know.

“Lincoln just violated doctor-patient confidentiality so I knew where Lexa was. If the hospital knew he would be suspended and probably fired. He would probably never be able to work in any hospital ever again.”

“Oh” said both Clarke and Raven. That was something that Clarke hadn’t considered. “Fine, okay.” She sighed, but that phone had better ring fast. And right as she said that it did. Anya picked up, walking a little away from the group as she was listening to what the other end was saying.

Aden looked a little uncomfortable, turning to both Raven and Clarke he said. “Can you both tell Anya I had to go?”

“Don’t you want to go with us to the hospital?” Clarke asked. It was clear to her that Lexa meant a lot to him, so she couldn’t think of any reason why he wouldn’t want to see her.

He shook his head. “I can’t, they’ll call social services, and I’ll have to go back to my group home.” He hiked his backpack back on his shoulders. “Make sure Anya lets me know. She knows how to find me.” He turned around as he walked away, he looked sad. “It was nice to meet you; I’m glad Lexa has new people now.” At that Raven and Clarke gave each other a confused look, but since neither of them could enlighten the other, they shrugged it off, especially since Anya headed back to them.

“She’s okay, no strike that, she’s alive. She has a couple of broken ribs, a concussion, a dozen stitches and some bruises.”

Clarke couldn’t understand why Anya was looking so happy. She tried to imagine what all the injuries meant, how Lexa would look, but she quickly stopped, the images she was conjuring up made her feel a little panicked. “It sounds horrible.”

Anya nodded, “It’s not good, but it could have been much worse. None of the injuries are critical and as far as the can tell for now she hasn’t been under the influence of drugs or alcohol. So by medical standards thigs are looking good.” She looked around. “Where’s Aden?”

“Uh, he said you’d know how to contact him, he didn’t want to go to the hospital.”

“Alright, then let’s go.” Anya headed back to her car.

“Hold up, who is Aden anyway?” Clarke quickened her pace so she could walk beside Anya.

“Lexa is his big sister.”

“What? He is your brother?” Clarke was stunned that Anya was so blasé about all of this.

Raven snorted “No, dimwit, it’s a mentoring programme. Aden doesn’t look anything like them.”

Anya nodded as she started to drive. “Raven is right. Lexa and Aden knew each other from the streets. Aden has been living there on and off, when he was just there Lexa saved him from a couple of bullies. Since then he followed her around everywhere. And when other kids noticed how Lexa took care of Aden, more started following her. They called themselves kru, you know like those gangs and stuff. They even called her Heda, probably thought it sounded tough.” Anya shook her head. “They were just a bunch of kids, but they saved her life as often as she saved theirs. When Lexa got cleaned up, she tried to help them, but most of them didn’t want anything to do with social workers or anything like that. They had been hurt too much.” Anya sighed. “It’s been hard for her to let them go, but in the end she had to. She was trying to build a life, she couldn’t go back any time there was trouble, it was too much temptation, but I don’t think she ever forgave herself for leaving them, not really. And then Aden came and asked Lexa if she would be his mentor while he would try and get his life together, just like her. That boy, he is a miracle, it’s helped her so much. We’re here.”

Clarke had been so focussed on Anya’s story that she hadn’t even noticed that they had arrived. She was trying to wrap her mind around it. Images kept popping up in her mind, of an even younger Aden and a younger Lexa. She simply couldn’t understand how she and Lexa could possibly be meant for each other. Lexa, a girl who had gone through so much already, too much in fact, more than anyone should have to deal with in a life time, but who still had done all these amazing things, and then there was she a silly girl who had just finished art school, no real job, no prospects, and what had she ever done?

“Hey, princess, are you coming?” Raven’s nudge pulled her from her reveries.

When they got inside Clarke felt immediately overwhelmed. There were people running, yelling, crying, and she had no idea where to go. She quickly felt Ravens arm interlinking with her own, “I’ve got you, don’t worry.” She felt incredibly grateful for having Raven as a friend right in that moment. They followed Anya, who easily moved through the mass of people, and seemed to know exactly where she needed to go. She stopped so suddenly that they pretty much walked into her though.

“Wow Anya, a little warning next time.” Raven rubbed her nose, which had collided with the back of Anya’s head.

“Oh, sorry.” Anya turned around looking apologetic, but at the same time distracted. “Would you mind if I go in by myself first? Just for a bit.”

Clarke was stunned that Anya would even ask this, she hurried to reassure the other girl. “Anya, of course! You go in, me and Raven will just be here, and you can just come get us if you think she’s up to it, or not, really it’s fine.”

Anya nodded and headed into the room, but as soon as the door close Clarke felt restless, she was so close to Lexa now, it almost was as if she could feel the other girl, like a sort of pull. Clarke knew that was ridiculous, so she didn’t tell Raven, scared that she might laugh, or worse think Clarke was going crazy, especially since a part of her thought that she might actually be crazy. She stared at the door, willing it to open as soon as possible. She had to see Lexa was okay with her own two eyes before she could truly believe it.

* * *

 

The first thing Lexa became aware of before anything else was the pain, everything hurt, and breathing made it worse. She tried to focus on something else, on the disjointed sounds, but before she could make any sense of them she slipped back to the oblivion.

The next time she resurfaced the pain was just as bad if not worse, but the sounds were clearer and she managed to crack open an eye before quickly closing them again. The bright lights hurt her eyes. For a second she wondered if she might be dead, but she dismissed the thought. If she were dead she wouldn’t be in this much pain, at least she hoped, because spending eternity like this sounded like hell. At that thought her eyes flew open. Was she in hell? Maybe she was, she deserved to be.

She tried to lift her hand to shield her eyes from the brightness, but she found it too heavy, since when did her arm weigh a ton? She closed her eyes again, groaning with the effort of trying to lift her arm. That’s when she heard a voice, Anya’s voice. “Lex, can you hear me?”

Lexa tried to open her mouth, to reassure Anya that she was fine, but she found herself unable to, instead another groan is the only sound she could produce. She did feel how Anya took her hand. “If you can hear me squeeze my hand.” Lexa pondered, should she squeeze Anya’s hand? Part of her wanted to slip back to the blissfulness of unconsciousness. If Anya knew she was awake she would want to talk, Lexa didn’t think she could handle that. But in the end she tried, her sister sounded so anxious, she couldn’t be selfish now, not when she had been so selfish before. She wasn’t sure if she succeeded but she thought she might, because Anya squeezed back.

“Are you in any pain, just squeeze my hand.” Lexa started to squeeze, but then she stopped. She must be in the hospital, she could her the beeping of the heart monitor after all. If she admitted she was in pain she would get painkillers, she didn’t want that, she didn’t deserve those. Anya seemed to have felt her squeeze anyway, because she said she was going to ask the doctor to give her something against the pain.

Lexa gathered all the willpower she could muster, trying to force her lips to form the word no, but once again all she managed to do was groan. She was starting to feel really frustrated, she took a deep breath to try again. That had obviously been a mistake, as soon as she tried a sharp pain seared through her chest. In that moment she was sure she was being stabbed and she whimpered as she cringed. “Ouch.”

“Lexa!” She felt Anya’s hand slip back in hers, and another hand brushing her hair away from her forehead. “You need to keep still, you have a couple of broken ribs and a concussion. I’ll get the doctor for some pain relief.”

“No.” Lexa managed to croak out the one syllable word, but the effort had exhausted her. She heard Anya talk to her, but before she could respond or even finish listening she slipped back into darkness.

The next moment she heard Lexa and someone else arguing in hushed voices. “Anya, she declined treatment for the pain, you just told me. I can’t just give her stuff.”

“But you have to! We don’t even know if she knew what she was saying. She is in pain. She already has the iv.”

“I’m sorry, I can’t.”

“Fine, I’ll do it myself!”

“No, Anya, wait. I’ll go ask if we can give her a pain pump. She can choose to take the medication if she wants to, okay?”

“Okay, thanks Linc.”

Lexa opened her eyes, watching Lincoln close the door as he headed out. She noticed the room seemed much darker this time, realising that Anya was about to turn around she closed her eyes again, she wasn’t ready to talk. But it had been too late, Anya had already noticed.  She rushed back to Lexa’s side, whispering. “Hey, you’re awake.

Lexa knew she couldn’t keep her eyes closed, so she opened them, looking at Anya, but she didn’t say anything. She saw how Anya’s eyes were bloodshot and her face was all blotchy, she’d clearly been crying. Guilt came washing over her, she had hurt Anya, the one person who had always accepted her, forgiven all her mistakes. She hadn’t even considered what it would do to Anya, or actually it was even worse, she had known but she hadn’t cared. She was disgusted by herself, feeling so selfish. She couldn’t stand to look at Anya’s face anymore, it seemed to glow with happiness and forgiveness, Anya was happy she was awake, why couldn’t Lexa feel the same?

“Lincoln is going to make sure you’re getting something for the pain.” Anya told her quietly, after a while.

“I’m fine.” Lexa tried to make it as believable as possible, but it didn’t seem to work much because Anya just snorted.

“Of course you are, you have broken ribs, a concussion and god knows how many bruises, but you’re fine.”

Lexa shrugged, but quickly stopped the movement made her head ache and made her feel nauseated, letting herself sink back into the bed with a groan.

“See,” Anya said exasperated, “you’re not fine. Try and get some rest, I’ll wake you when Lincoln comes back.”

Soon enough she felt a light shake, she opened her eyes to see both Lincoln and Anya looming over her. “Hey, sport,” Lincoln said quietly as he sat down on the edge of her bed, “you gave us quite a scare.” Lexa looked away from both him and Anya as the guilt threatened to consume her again. But before it had a chance Lincoln started talking again.

“I’m going to hook you to a pump with pain medication. You can press it as often as you want, but at after three shots it won’t give you anything for about fifteen minutes.”

“I don’t want it.” Lexa still wasn’t looking at either of them, she stared at the a fixed point on the wall, trying to keep herself under control.

“Lexa…” Anya started, but before she could say anything else Lexa turned to look at her, shouting. “I DON’T WANT IT! GET OUT GET OUT, GET OUT!”

She turned her head but she could still hear Anya suppressing a sob before she ran out the door, slamming it shut. Lexa closed her eyes. She felt guilty for yelling at Anya, she had caused her sister more pain. But she knew that if she had let Anya continue she would have caved. Lexa would have allowed them to give her pain medication, and that couldn’t happen. She didn’t deserve this, she had to suffer.

She startled when Lincoln started talking, she had forgotten he was there. “She is only trying to look out for you, sport.” Lexa closed her eyes, trying to force the tears back, if she started now she was lost, she couldn’t show any weakness. “I’m just going to hook it up, you don’t have to press it if you don’t want. I won’t even give you a starting dose.”

As soon as Lincoln was done he left the room, and there she was, lying alone in her room. She turned to look at the pump and the button Lincoln had placed beside her. Maybe this was better, she thought, because this was true torture. She had to fight every single second, knowing that if she just pressed the button her pain would stop. But she wouldn’t, she wouldn’t allow herself this. It was the first of many things she was going to do to make things right.

The next second though she caved, she grabbed the button, her jerky movement causing a jolt of pain through her chest, but before she could press she came to her sense, letting the button fall to the floor.

That’s when she broke down. She knew she wouldn’t be able to keep this up, she was too weak, the pain was too much. She thought back to before, to how many pills she had spitted out. She hadn’t been strong enough then either. The tears and the crying made everything hurt even more, her ribs ached and her head pounded, confirming Lexa’s thoughts that her tears were weakness. She let out a yell of frustration, clenching her fists and digging her nails in the palms of her hands.

Then the door opened and an angel came running through the door. For a second Lexa thought it actually was an angel, the girl was blonde and from behind her there shone a bright light, but as the door closed Lexa realised it had just been the lights in the hallway. It wasn’t an angel; it was Clarke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was a doozy let me tell you. I know that it doesn't have any Clarke/Lexa interaction and deffinitely no fluff, that's something this fic is sorely lacking so far. All I can say is the interaction is deffinitely coming, and there will be more fluffy parts, but I love the angst? Idk I can't help but enjoy those two both angsting about stuff they didn't have to if they would just freaking communicate to each other. Anyway I'm rambling.
> 
> I hope you like it, if you do let me know, and if you don't and/or have feedback, please let me know also.


	9. Chapter 9

Clarke wasn’t sure what to do, Anya had run out of the room and Raven had jumped up and gone after her. Clarke had gotten up as well, but she hadn’t been able to make herself chase after Anya. After all she knew Raven was with her, and if Clarke left who would be there for Lexa?

That’s how Lincoln found her when he left Lexa’s room, standing in front of it completely unsure of what to do. He smiled kindly at her. “She’s awake; you can go in if you want. She might be a little groggy from the medication and the concussion, but you can go see her.”

Clarke nodded, but she didn’t move. Should she go in? She wasn’t sure she should. Would Lexa even want to see her? Wouldn’t she get even more upset? But then Clarke heard an anguished scream coming from the room and there wasn’t any choice to make; of course she would go see Lexa. The sound of Lexa breaking down hurt Clarke down to her bones, it was almost as if she could feel the pain the girl on the other side of the door was feeling. All Clarke knew was that she had to be there for her, take Lexa’s pain away, and somehow she was sure that she could. She took a deep breath and opened the door.

She looked at the bed and her heart broke for what might have been the hundredth time that evening. Lexa looked so small, and so broken. She wasn’t even talking about Lexa’s physical injuries, though those looked bad as well. No Clarke zoomed in on Lexa’s wet cheeks, on the sobs she was trying to suppress, but obviously couldn’t, she saw the lost look in the other girl’s eyes, how she was trying to curl in on herself.

Clarke wanted nothing more than to rush to the other girl’s side, but something stopped her. Even though she could see the pain Lexa was in she also sensed that Lexa might not want her there. After all, ever since she had come in Lexa had looked at her, but as soon as there had been something of recognition she had looked away immediately. So Clarke stayed close to the door, stating softly “Hey.”

This caused a slight twitch from Lexa’s mouth, but she still refused to look at her. Clarke felt however that it was safe to step a little closer. “I’m glad you’re okay.” She said quietly. But if Lexa’s reaction was anything to go by, you would think she had verbally assaulted the girl. The wince that went through her entire body followed by a groan of pain was hard to look at.

Somehow instead of making Clarke pull back as she thought she would, it made her feel even more confident that the girl needed her. She slowly walked closer, sitting down on the chair beside her bed. Lexa turned her head away from her, slowly turning her entire body so she was facing away from Clarke. A small part of Clarke felt hurt because of the rejection, but a bigger part wanted to comfort Lexa.

That’s when she noticed the clicker for the pain medication on the ground, she picked it up, got up and placed it next to Lexa’s head. “Here, I think this fell.” She looked down, seeing Lexa squeezing her eyes shut and drawing breath very quickly. She sat back down, expecting the girl to press the button immediately, because she was obviously in pain, but to her surprise Lexa stayed perfectly still.

There were so many questions rushing through Clarke’s mind, so many things she wanted to know. She decided to stick to some of the easier things though, so she asked, “Why aren’t you pressing the clicker?”

Again the girl winced as if Clarke had struck her, but she didn’t say anything. Clarke was starting to feel frustrated by the girl’s silence. She got up and moved to the other side of the bed. As she sat down she saw that contrary to what she had thought the girl was still crying, she had her eyes shut, but tears were still dripping down her cheeks. Before Clarke could stop herself she leaned forward, brushing a tear away with her thumb.

Lexa’s eyes flew open as she tried to scramble back, remind Clarke of a caged animal. What had this girl gone through in the past few hours to make her this scared. Clarke tried to keep all the hurt she felt out of her voice as she tried to comfort her. “Lexa, it’s okay. It’s me Clarke, I’m not going to hurt you.”

For a second Clarke thought she saw annoyance flash in Lexa’s eyes, but before she could be sure Lexa had closed them again, saying through gritted teeth. “I know who you are. Now go away, I’m fine.”

Clarke was completely taken aback by this, whatever she had imagined Lexa to say to her, this was definitely one of those things. “You want me to leave?” She asked, unsure if she was hearing it right.

“Yes, what? Are you deaf?” She saw the strain on Lexa’s jaw as she tried to make her voice sound as biting as possible.

“If that’s really what you want.” Clarke felt the frustration slowly turn to anger. A little was at herself, but more of it was focused towards Lexa, why wouldn’t she accept help when she so clearly was not okay. Clarke turned around, slowly walking towards the door, but just as she lay her hand on the handle she heard quiet sobs coming from the bed. She couldn’t leave, she wouldn’t let Lexa chase her away. She turned around, settling herself back in the chair next to the bed, stretching her hand out to grab Lexa’s hand, holding it tighter when she tried to wrench it away.

“Why are you trying to chase everyone away? I’m not going anywhere.” She told Lexa as she brushed her thumb over the skin of her hand in what she hoped was a soothing manner. She tried to send calm towards Lexa with her touch. She wasn’t planning to let go, and she also felt as if it would be very hard, almost as if their touch had formed some kind of magnetism that made it that much harder to pull away.

Lexa opened her eyes, looking a little more at peace, but even more anguished at the same time. Clarke found herself wondering if anyone ever in the history of the universe had eyes as expressive as the green ones she was looking in right now. She felt like Lexa could share everything she had ever felt just with her eyes. Those eyes felt like a portal to Lexa’s soul, Clarke would have felt like she was intruding if they hadn’t felt as familiar as they did somehow.

“Why are you even here?” It had been so soft that Clarke wasn’t even sure she had actually heard the girl speak or if she had just thought she had. The only reason Clarke knew for sure was that the girl had shut her eyes, she had withdrawn again within herself as if she was trying to protect herself.

“What do you mean why am I here?” Clarke asked, confused. “You’re hurt. We were all so worried about you. We’ve been looking for you for hours.”

At those words the green eyes opened again, staring at her in astonishment, with a hint of distrust. “Why?”

Clarke had to force herself not to roll her eyes. “Why do you think? We thought you could be hurt.”

“But why would you care? After...” the girl pulled her hand from Clarke’s clenching them to her chest as she winced in pain. “After what I did to you.”

“What you did to me?” Clarke had no idea what she was talking about, what had Lexa ever done to her?

This seemed to bewilder Lexa though. “I assaulted you, I took advantage of you, I made you go back to that guy. And I’m sure that by now you know I’m a junkie too.” The words were said with such disgust that it Clarke actually felt angry. At first she had wanted to laugh at the misunderstanding, but by the end she realised there was nothing funny about any of this.

“First of all, I won’t allow anyone to talk that way about anyone I care about, no exceptions, why do you think I would allow you to talk that way about you? Second, you didn’t assault me, you could argue that I assaulted you, but I’m pretty sure what we did would be classified as a consensual making out session. Third, I am not back with Finn.” She said this with such a finality that Lexa, who hadn’t been able to look at her yet, couldn’t resist looking into her eyes. So Clarke took the opportunity to lean a little closer, keeping Lexa’s gaze trapped with her own. She added softly “Fourth, you are the only one who thinks you’re a junkie. I know you didn’t take any of my pills.”

Lexa who had been drinking her in as if she was a breath of fresh air before now closed her eyes again, she tried to pull her hand from Clarke’s, but Clarke wouldn’t allow it. “Lexa, what’s wrong? Did I say something wrong?”

Lexa shook her head, opening her eyes, looking at Clarke with intense sadness as she whispered. “You’re wrong, I _am_ a junkie. I took your pills; I would have... If that other junkie hadn’t… I don’t…” She moved, gasping in pain again.

Clarke couldn’t bear to see her in this much pain anymore. “Lexa, please, just press that damn button.” But Lexa shook her head. “I can’t, I won’t.”

“Why?” Clarke asked in desperation.

This caused Lexa to swallow nervously, looking away from Clarke again and pulling her hand away from the girl, making herself as small as she possibly could. “Because I don’t deserve to.” Clarke stared at her, she was stunned. If Lexa hadn’t looked so miserable Clarke would have laughed. If there was anyone who deserved to be free from pain for only a second it was Lexa.

“Lexa,” Clarke started, unsure how she could convince her. “Of course you deserve to feel less pain.”

Instead of feeling reassured though Lexa was starting to look a panicked as she shook her head fervently, before groaning in pain. “No, I don’t I don’t. You’re just feeling sorry for me.” It sounded more like she was trying to convince herself than anyone else.

“Lexa, listen to me.” Clarke cupped her cheeks, waiting for their eyes to meet. “I do not feel sorry for you. Do I feel sad for everything you have been through, or at least what I know of it? Yes, but I don’t pity you. I know you’re strong enough to handle anything. Look at what you did for me with Finn. Look at how you got your life back on track within two years. You’re a force of nature, I wouldn’t dare to feel sorry for you.”

Clarke could see Lexa thinking, and she wondered what it was and if she was going to share them. “I can’t handle anything.” Lexa admitted, she suddenly looked a little shy. “The thought that I might have hurt you, that you didn’t want anything to do with me. It destroyed me.”

Clarke blinked, though she had known that this was why Lexa had felt the need to escape hearing it from her made it real. “Why?” This was all she could ask, because she didn’t understand. Why would Lexa care?

Lexa was quiet for a bit, seeming to look for the right words. “Because my timer has been my motivator to get my life together for so long...”

Clarke couldn’t help but be disappointed. She felt horrible for it, but she felt so disappointed. It was just the timer, the idea of having a soul mate that had helped Lexa. It had nothing to do with Clarke or who she was as a person, just stupid genetics.

“But” Lexa continued, seemingly oblivious to Clarke’s disappointment, “it’s not just that. I know we hardly know each other, we barely had two conversations. But there is something about you. When we kissed yesterday,” Lexa started to blush, looking slightly embarrassed “it meant something, it meant so much. It’s okay if you don’t want to be with me, but I hope we can at least be friends, because I think you’re extraordinary.”

Clarke stared at Lexa, not knowing what to say. What could she possibly say? How was it possible that Lexa with concussion and all was so much more eloquent than her? How was it possible that Lexa thought she was extraordinary? The thought was almost laughable.

“I don’t know what I want. Like you said, we hardly know each other.” Clarke started, trying to get her thoughts clear enough so she could express them. “But that kiss, it meant something to me too.” She took Lexa’s hand and pressed her lips against her knuckles for a second before giving the girl a sweet smile.

“I think we have a lot to talk about, and I know everything is not okay yet. But we’ll get there together. You, me, Anya, Raven.”

* * *

 

At the mention of Anya Lexa started to panic. “Oh god, oh god, Anya!” Her breathing was coming in rapid succession; she was starting to hyperventilate.

“Fuck” Clarke muttered. “Lexa, shhh look at me. It’s okay, Raven is with Anya, she’ll come back, it’s okay.”

But Lexa just shook her head, as her breathing rate got faster and faster, she felt like she was going to suffocate, her lungs were begging for air while her ribs were hurting her so bad as well. She was going to die here, she wouldn’t even be able to apologise to Anya, and with that thought the anxiety got even worse, her hands were starting to tingle.

“Lexa.”

Lexa got pulled out of her head as she focussed on Clarke. Clarke was saying her name, she had to try and listen it was that or dying.

“Good, I am going to put your hand on my chest and you’re going to breathe with me. When you feel my chest go up you breathe in, when my chest goes down you’ll breathe out. I know it’s hard, but you can do it, okay?”

Lexa nodded, she could do this, if Clarke thought she could than she would do this. But after one breath Lexa realised that she couldn’t, it was impossible, she needed more air than she got if she followed Clarke’s lead, and she tried to tell her that. “I can’t.” she gasped.

“It’s okay, it’s alright.” Somewhere in her mind Lexa wondered how Clarke could be this calm, it reminded her of Anya’s doctor-mode.

“Lexa, you’re going to cup your hands over your mouth like this and that’s how you’re going to breathe, and I will put my hands over yours. It won’t feel comfortable in the beginning, but you’ll have to trust me, okay?”

Lexa nodded, how could she not trust Clarke? The girl seemed to know exactly what she was doing, she seemed calm and in control. So Lexa did as Clarke told her, but after a few seconds she knew this wasn’t going to work. It didn’t help, it only made everything worse, she needed air, if she kept her hands like this she would choke. She tried to pull her hands away, but Clarke wouldn’t let her.

Lexa looked at Clarke desperately, but Clarke just smiled gently shaking her head “It’ll be okay, in a few seconds you’ll feel better.”

And to Lexa’s amazing Clarke was right, after a bit it actually became a little easier to breathe and after a few minutes her breathing had gotten back to normal. She slowly pulled her hands away from her face, but took a hold of Clarke’s. Smiling, but also feeling little embarrassed she muttered a thanks.

Clarke just shrugged. “Don’t worry, I have had panic attacks as well.”

Lexa just nodded, looking at the girl with amazement, wondering if she could be any more perfect? But her train of thought got derailed when she felt her head starting to throb again.

“Lexa, please just take some pain medication, you’re in pain.”

She looked at Clarke, seeing how upset Clarke looked about it somehow made her brave enough to share. “What if I like it too much? I’m not strong enough to fight it again.” Lexa looked away again, ashamed of her weakness. But Clarke just tucked a strand of hair behind Lexa’s ear, shaking her head. “You are strong enough, and we’ll help you. Besides you’re in the hospital. It’s going to be okay.”

Lexa nodded, she believed it, she was safe, maybe it was going to be okay after all. And before she could do anything else Clarke had taken a hold of the button and pressed it two times. The effect was almost instantaneous. Lexa felt her eyes getting heavy, her head wasn’t throbbing as painfully and her chest didn’t feel like it was stabbed quite as hard anymore. And soon she felt herself sink back to sleep, back to the darkness, only this time she didn’t feel quite so alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this one is a little short, but I'm going to try to update again tomorrow. Anyway yay for clexa feels right?  
> Anyway as always, please let me know what you like, what you don't like, pretty much anything. It really brings a smile to my face and it motivates the hell out of me.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry sorry sorry! I know I said I would update this on Thursday, and I didn't. I can give you all so many reasons, but truth is that I just didn't feel it for a bit. My muse had left me and I was all but ready to abandon this fic. But don't worry, I didn't and I won't!  
>  Anyway I don't usually promote fics of other people here, but I have been reading this amazing fic! Unsung heart. It's so good! But it is explicit, so if that's not your cup of tea then what is wrong with you?!?. No, no, I kid. Please check it out (after reading this chapter obviously)  
> http://archiveofourown.org/works/5813827/chapters/13397812
> 
> And as always, please let me know what you think, enjoy.

It had been a few days since that horrible night, Lexa was ready to go home, and today was the day. She had already packed her stuff, she could leave the moment she got her discharge papers. She’d just get the bus; she hadn’t felt the need to ask someone to come get her. Anya would be working and she had inconvenienced Raven and Clarke enough already. More than enough actually, Lexa felt embarrassed if she thought about how much of their time the two girls had spent in the hospital.

Part of her still couldn’t comprehend why they both had done so much for her, who was almost a stranger to both of them. It made Lexa feel strangely suspicious. She kept wondering, “ _Why would they do that? Do they want something from me? Do they feel guilty?_ ”  
But an answer never came. She had tried to observe their behaviour to get an answer, but she never saw anything but kindness and good intentions. This, combined with the fact that she liked it so much to have them around, to have friends, made it incredibly difficult to stay objective. She wanted so much for the both of them to be there for the reasons they claimed, that sometimes she allowed herself to believe that.

These moments were like small bursts of sunshine. They had happened when Raven had been trying to make her laugh with the silliest faces and stories, even though she knew laughing hurt Lexa’s ribs; when Clarke had brought some of her artwork to cheer up the room a bit; when she would wake up to Raven studying or Clarke sketching, knowing that they had stayed with her even though she was asleep. Lexa had never had people look after her like this. She had Anya of course, but that didn’t count because she was her sister, family, Anya didn’t have a choice. And the kru, well they needed her for protection. But with Raven and Clarke there was nothing she could give either of them. It made no sense, but it made her very happy. That was until they were gone, when Lexa was alone with her thoughts her doubts would creep back up, her memories seemed to unlikely, she was reading too much into all of this.

The door opened as Lincoln let himself in, Lexa grinned at him, turning to grab her bag and some of the stuff so she could just take the papers and go.

“I see you’re all ready to go.” Lincoln started, “But we need to talk about your appointments for a little bit.”

“No need,” Lexa replied as she lifted her bag, tossing it over her shoulder, before realising that had been a grave mistake, because that hurt. “I know I will have to be back here in a week for a check-up.”

Lincoln laughed “Put that bag down, Lexa. That can’t have felt pleasant. And…” he seemed to hesitate for a second before continuing. “You have another check-up actually, with dr. Miller.”

“What?!?” Lexa turned her head around quickly, staring at Lincoln. That’s when she noticed that Clarke stood behind him, smiling. “What are you doing here?” Lexa knew she was being rude, but she was too surprised, and she really didn’t want to talk about dr. Miller.

“Wow thanks, Lexa. It’s good to see you too.” Clarke rolled her eyes, but smiled to show Lexa she wasn’t really offended. “I’m here to take you home of course. Anya asked me to, remember?”

“No…” Lexa racked her brain, and slowly a fuzzy memory came up of Anya telling her she had to work but that she would ask Clarke or Raven to pick her up, but she also remembered that she told her not to. She hated that the medication was doing this, it made her feel less in control.

“The concussion can keep your memories a little fuzzy for a bit.” Lincoln seemed to know her thoughts without even having to ask. “This has nothing to do with the pain medication, we stopped the ones that could make you dopey after a day, you can take the these for as long as you need, okay?” He looked at her imploringly, and she nodded.

“And here is the appointment with dr. Miller, it’s tomorrow at four.”

“Sorry, can’t I have to work until six.” Lexa shrugged, secretly relieved that it was this easy to cancel the appointment.

“Uhm,” Lincoln looked uncomfortable, but Lexa didn’t care, at least not until Clarke started laughing. “Good one, Lexa. I have to work.” By the time she was done speaking she was laughing even harder.

Lexa stared at the blonde, feeling a mixture of anger, uncertainty, and affection. Clarke looked absolutely adorable and radiant laughing like that, but why was she laughing? Did she think it was a joke? Maybe she didn’t have to work for a living, but if Lexa lost her job she would be back where she had started two years ago within weeks probably.

When no one joined her laughter Clarke looked up at Lincoln and Lexa. “Come on, guys, it was a joke. It was a joke, right?” She looked at Lexa with such intensity that she hardly dared shake her head. “No.” She mumbled as she looked away from those blue eyes that widened in shock.

“Lexa, you’re not going to work. That’s out of the question. Anya spoke with your boss; it was no problem. And she’ll be at the appointment, Lincoln, I’ll make sure of it.” She took the papers out of his hand, and grabbed the bag from beside Lexa. “Come, let’s go. We can order take-out if you like.”

But Lexa stood frozen to the ground. This was all far too much, she felt completely out of her depth. Clarke was acting, like this was the most natural thing in the world. Like it wasn’t weird that she was taking care of Lexa. But it was weird. Why would she do that? Not that Lexa didn’t like it. She felt cared for, she felt safe. But that was dangerous, she couldn’t rely on someone else for happiness and safety, look what happened when Lexa had allowed that the last time. And this time it would be even worse, because Clarke was her person, the one person. Lexa could feel her throat constrict with anxiety. For two years she had fantasised about finding Clarke, well not Clarke, but her timer person, but now that she had found her Lexa was scared.

She wasn’t even sure what she was so scared of, was she scared of how much Clarke already meant to her, because she did. Lexa had had dreams about her, about the two of them, reading a book, or drinking a cup of coffee, nothing extraordinary, just being happy. Or was she scared of Clarke herself? That Clarke might not feel the same, that she might leave? But thinking about all of this didn’t do her any good she decided, she refused to let her anxiety take over. These feelings were weakness, so she decided to focus on just one small part of her feelings, annoyance.

She had a right to decide over her own life. She felt anger starting to rise. For a second she felt weak that she needed anger to control the rest of her emotions. She couldn’t understand how Clarke could get a rise out of her so quickly. She had always prided herself on the fact that she could keep a firm grip on her emotions most of the time. She wasn’t easily baited into a fight, but with Clarke, it was like she had a shortcut right to the centre of all her emotions. “I need my job. Stop feeling sorry for me, I am perfectly capable to take care of myself.”

Clarke looked taken aback for a moment, opening her mouth but then closing it again without saying anything. Then her demeanour changed though, she glared a little at Lexa. “How many times do I have to tell you? I do not feel sorry for you! Stop turning me into something I’m not.”

“Why else would you do this?” Lexa countered, her hands on her hips. She slowly felt more under control thanks to Clarke engaging.

“Because I care about you. I want to help.” Clarke rolled her eyes again, this time without the comforting smile. Lexa was surprised by how much she missed that smile and that she felt a slight jolt of disappointment, which she quickly pushed away.

“Well, I don’t need your help, like I said I can take care of myself just fine.”

“Right, because that worked out so well the last time.” Clarke’s eyes widened.

“Uh girls?” Lincoln looked completely uncomfortable. “I think I should go.” With that he turned around and fled the room, he fucking fled. If Lexa hadn’t been crumbling to pieces she would have laughed.

* * *

 

“Shit, Lexa I’m sorry.” Clarke rushed towards Lexa “That came out all wrong. I didn’t mean that, I just…”

But she had no idea how to finish that sentence. She just what? She had just gotten annoyed that Lexa refused to show any kind of vulnerability. It was so frustrating; it was like one step forward three steps back with this girl. Every time she went to visit Lexa it would start of cold and awkward, but then things would get better during the visit. She would feel like they bonded, like they had been friends for a long time. She felt herself getting butterflies when she looked at Lexa, it didn’t matter when. When Lexa was sleeping she loved to watch the rise and fall of her chest, so peaceful, or her long lashes that fluttered just a little. When Lexa was thinking or watching tv sometimes her lips would form a pout and Clarke would have to stop herself from touching it; she wondered what it would feel like to kiss, very soft probably. She would leave Lexa thinking how much progress they made, but then she came back and it would be like it was like it was now; Lexa closed off from her. And it angered Clarke, but mostly because anger was easier than hurt. How could the other girl be so careless? Was she ashamed of the fact that she had shown her vulnerability a few days ago, by admitting how important Clarke was to her? Or had it all been an excuse, was she really just a junkie, and was the timer as good an excuse as any?

Clarke looked at Lexa, for once she hadn’t looked away, she could see those green eyes stare back at her. She saw defiance, but there was hurt in them as well, and she also noticed that Lexa’s jaws were tense. She had hurt Lexa. She felt annoyed with herself, with Lexa, and with their dynamic. Was it really supposed to be this hard? This wasn’t how it happened in the books and movies. Timerpeople were meant to be, it was supposed to be easy, effortless. But Clarke decided to worry about that another time. She would focus on fixing the current situation.

“I’m sorry.” She tried to convey just how sorry she was as she held Lexa’s gaze. “Really, I am sorry. It’s just, I get frustrated. You are so distrustful of my intentions, and I never gave you any reason to. Well, okay, the freak out was not the best reaction I could have had, but you have to give me a break. Within a few moments the way I had seen myself for the first 21 years of my life were completely turned over. That’s a lot to handle.” She smiled slightly. “But I swear that I care, Lexa, I really do. And when you push me away it hurts.” She wasn’t sure what to say next, but she did think the green eyes looking back at her had softened a little. That was until Lexa broke their eye contact, swallowing nervously.

“I’m sorry too. I just have a hard time trusting people, I guess. I’ll try and be better. Thanks.” Lexa dared to let her eyes flit back to Clarke’s for a second who smiled widely as soon as she noticed.

“Okay, so I’m taking you home. And I’ll take you to your appointment tomorrow.” Clarke decided, turning around, forcing herself not to look over her shoulder if Lexa was following her.

* * *

 

The next day Lexa sat in her and Raven’s apartment, staring at the clock. It was already a quarter past three, Clarke had promised to be there at three. Lexa was unsure of what to do. Normally she would have taken off already, she hated being late, or at least called or texted where the other person was. But the other person usually was Anya, and Anya didn’t care if she was rude because she knew it was just Lexa’s nerves. But Clarke wouldn’t know that, and she really didn’t want to offend Clarke. Not after they had just gotten back to a somewhat normal situation thanks to last night.

Last night, Lexa couldn’t help but smile if she thought back to it. It hadn’t been anything special. It had just been the two of them, Raven was working. They had eaten pizza, watched tv and talked. Finally, something that felt normal, it had felt comfortable. Lexa had been surprised how comfortable and easy it was. They had laughed, but also talked about a little more serious subjects, but not too much. They hadn’t discussed their timers, either of their pasts, nothing like that. And when Clarke had left, after Lexa had finally managed to convince the other girl that she could find her bed by herself and that she didn’t need anyone to tuck her in, there hadn’t been a kiss, not even an allusion to one.

That didn’t mean Lexa had been up half the night thinking about it though, wondering what would have happened if she had kissed Clarke. Would Clarke have wanted it? Lexa had wanted it she knew that for sure, but had Clarke? Clarke had said she cared about her, what did that mean? Care about her how? Would Clarke’s boobs really feel as soft as they looked? Would she ever be able just to lay her head on them and use them as a pillow? What was the best way to describe the colour of Clarke’s eyes? She couldn’t give a definitive answer to that, they always seemed just a little different every time she looked into them. These questions and many more kept her up. Lexa had no idea what was happening to her? She had never felt like this, with no one. Hadn’t she, she wondered, not even with Costia? But the thought was laughable, all these uncertainties had never been there with Costia. She had always known that whatever happened she and Costia were good. Costia and her had been comfortable. But for the first time Lexa was thinking that what she was feeling now might be better? She hardly dared to admit the thought, feeling like it was insulting to Costia’s memory, which made her feel very guilty.

Lexa looked back at the clock, it was three thirty by now, she had spent another fifteen minutes thinking of Clarke. She would call the girl; it wasn’t weird to call someone if they were thirty minutes late. But when she pulled out her phone she chickened out, what if she had misunderstood Clarke and she wasn’t actually coming. A text would be fine. She pondered what it should say for about five minutes before giving up and deciding to just send it since the wording wasn’t going to get any better.

**_Hey Clarke, this is Lexa, Lexa Woods. You might know me as Raven’s roommate. I cannot remember if you have my number so I thought it was best to introduce myself. I do not want to bother you, but I was wondering if there was a chance you were planning to stop by soon. I am just asking, because I have a doctor’s appointment at four so I will not be here to open the door for you, and Raven will be at work._ **

Lexa read and reread her text. She felt like a complete idiot. “ _You might know me as Raven’s roommate.”_ She let herself fall back on the couch and pulled a pillow over her face. What was wrong with her? She wanted to be invisible. She heard her phone ping, but was too scared to go and read it.

She had no idea how long she lay there, but was startled when she felt someone pull the pillow from her face., and was even more startled when that person was Clarke.

“Hey there Lexa, Lexa Woods.” Clarke teased her with a good-humoured smile on her face.

Lexa felt her cheeks burn immediately. “Hey” she mumbled. “I just, I texted you.”

“Oh really? I had no idea.” Clarke’s smile widened. “It’s good to see Lexa, the awkward cinnamon bun returns.”

Lexa thought she must have heard wrong. “What? Cinnamon bun?”

“Yeah that’s what Raven calls you when you’re acting weird because you’re uncomfortable. I kind of like it, it’s cute.” Clarke winked at Lexa whose blush intensified and felt her mouth go slightly dry.

“You do?” she croaked. “I hate it.”

“Why? It’s hilarious, and adorable. But we can discuss your adorableness while we are on our way to dr. Miller. I’m sorry I am so late by the way; I have no excuse.” Clarke opened the door for Lexa and they headed towards the bus stop. “Well, I have a reason of course.” Clarke continued. “I was at Polis, the art gallery. Have you heard of it?” She asked, but since she kept talking Lexa decided that she might not really want an answer. “Well they’re a pretty big deal, and they had promised me a showing of some of my work. But then Finn had cancelled it and I am kind of trying to woo them back. I lost track of time a little, so it was good of you to text to remind me, even if it was in your own special way.”

“Right,” Lexa was unsure of what to say, eventually deciding that asking about Clarke’s art was probably the best course of action, besides she was really curious about it as well. “Did you get your show?”

“No, not yet,” Clarke’s face fell a little before brightening again, “but don’t worry. She will soon. I’ve been making sketches for some new paintings and they are going to be amazing.”

“Yeah? What are they about?” Lexa wondered.

“Oh nope, sorry Lexiloo can’t talk about my sketches. It’s bad luck to talk about them before I have a more definitive idea.”

Lexa turned a little to look at Clarke. She was surprised she hadn’t figured Clarke would have superstitions. They both got on the bus, finding two seats next to each other.

“I know it doesn’t make sense, but every time I do, something bad happens. I mean look at what happened with Finn.”

“But that was Finn’s doing, it had nothing to do with luck.” Lexa stated, trying to ease Clarke’s mind, maybe in part because she really wanted to see those sketches.

“So you say, but I am not going to take that chance, this idea, it’s really good.”

Lexa shrugged, unsure of what to say next. She decided to look on her phone, she was wondering how close to being late she actually was. Which is when she saw and remembered the text Clarke had sent her

**_Well hello there, Raven’s roommate, it is a pleasure to meet you. I am Clarke, Clarke Griffin. And I know you have a doctor’s appointment because I will be by shortly to escort you to said appointment. ;) Lexa, did you think I forgot, you goof?!? Will be there shortly xx_ **

Lexa stared at the two kisses, then glanced at Clarke and kept flitting between the two for a bit.

“What?” Clarke looked at her

“Nothing,” Lexa quickly put her phone away. “Thanks for escorting me I guess.” She tried to shrug casually, but she didn’t think it came off as suave as she meant to.

Clarke snorted, “I’m pretty sure it is the only way I know for sure whether you actually went or not.”

“Hey!” Lexa nudged Clarke shoulder and pouted. “That’s not true, I am very dependable.”

Clarke was silent for quite a while, simply staring at her. Lexa felt uncomfortable, had she said something wrong? “Uhm Clarke?” She waved a hand in front of the other girl’s face. “Earth to Clarke?”

“Hmm sorry what?” Clarke seemed to be pulled from her thoughts very reluctantly.

“I said, I would have gone to see dr. Miller, I’m very dependable.”

“Oh I am sure you are, but you seemed pretty determined not to go yesterday. We’re here, come.” Clarke had taken a hold of Lexa’s hand and was pulling her up. Lexa’s skin felt like being electrocuted, no she decided electrocuted wasn’t the right way to phrase it, it wasn’t on fire either, those two things sounded far too uncomfortable to express the feeling of her hand in Clarke’s. It was like she was lighter than air, it was like the sun was shining on her, it warmed her up from the inside. She wondered if Clarke felt the same. She doubted it though because as she looked at Clarke she looked the same as she always did. Lexa actually felt a little disappointed, she wanted to affect Clarke the same way as Clarke affected her, maybe then it would feel a little more equal.

“We’re right on time, we even have two minutes to spare.” Clarke sounded proud as she sat down in front of dr. Miller’s office. “Maybe we should get a cup of coffee to celebrate.”

Lexa looked at her aghast, if they did this they would be late for sure, yet she didn’t want to say no either, because the thought of having coffee with Clarke appealed to her so much. She’d get to see Clarke drink coffee, maybe even lick foam from her lips. Lexa closed her eyes for a second and took a deep breath, this had to stop, she was driving herself insane with all these thoughts. She didn’t even know what they meant, so there was no point in thinking them.

“Calm down, Lexa.” Clarke teased “Maybe we can have some coffee afterwards, okay? Wouldn’t want dr. Miller to get the wrong idea.”

“And what idea would that be?” Both Lexa and Clarke turned their head with the speed of light to see a young doctor in the door opening.

Clarke gave a slightly nervous giggle, which caused Lexa to turn to her in surprise. “Oh you know, that this one-“ Clarke nudged Lexa “isn’t punctual, or that she doesn’t really want to be here.” Clarke turned to look at Lexa and gave a wink.

“Clarke!” Lexa hissed, she was amazed at the audacity “what are you doing?”

“What?” Clarke whispered with faux innocence. “I figured he would know if I lied, I don’t want my nose to grow.”

“He is a psychiatrist, Clarke, not a wizard.”

“Right, if you are done whispering, I believe we had an appointment miss Woods?” Lexa turned beet red, she had practically forgot about dr. Miller, but when she looked at him he looked more amused than anything else. He headed back in, leaving the door open for her. Before she closed the door though, she looked back at Clarke.

“I’ll be here, waiting for you when you’re done.” Lexa nodded, feeling a little less dread, and for the first time she actually felt glad that Clarke had insisted on going with her. But then Clarke mouthed “He’s hot.” Lexa’s stomach dropped, and her face must have fell, because the last thing she saw before she closed the door was a look of confusion on Clarke’s face.

“So, miss Woods, may I call you Lexa?” dr. Miller. Lexa looked up at him as she nodded. “Of course, sir, whatever you want.” She hated him already she decided, with his stupid questions, and his stupid beautiful face. But when she saw dr. Miller shaking his head insecurity replaced her anger though. Had she said something wrong?

“It’s not about what I want, miss Woods. Are you comfortable with me calling you Lexa?”

Lexa felt the urge to roll her eyes. This is why she hated psychiatrists, they read too much into things. Everything had to have a reason, and meant some repressed emotion. She had hated it when Anya had done her psych rotation, analysing every single thing she did. And even if she hadn’t hated psychiatrists how could this boy even help her? He was much too young to be of any use.

“I really don’t care, it doesn’t matter.” She knew she shouldn’t antagonise him like this, but her general thoughts on psychiatrists combined with the fact that Clarke seemed to like him a little too much made it impossible.

“I get the feeling you don’t like me very much.” Dr. Miller sounded amused again. God Lexa really hated him, who did this cocky bastard think that he was, that he would know what she thought or who she liked.

“I’m sorry if I have done anything to give you that impression, dr. Miller. It is most certainly not true.” By now she wanted to roll her eyes at herself, even to her own ears she sounded formal and forced.

“You can call me Nathan, or Miller if that’s more comfortable to you. I always find that the doctor part creates distance. And that’s the last thing you need when you are going to share about yourself I always feel. You want to feel comfortable.”

Lexa couldn’t help but engage, somewhere in her mind she wondered if this had actually been Miller’s plan all along. “I disagree; I always find that creating some distance helps me to see things more clearly. And it’s much easier to talk about stuff when you’re not in the middle of being hysterical.”

“I can see why you would feel that way, but you’re actually quite wrong.” He smiled at her so pleasantly, that she didn’t really know what to do. How could he just say she was wrong like that, it was the way she felt, how could that be wrong.

He noticed her face fall though, because he continued to explain. “I should explain. Yes, creating some distance from the situation, your emotions, or even people will help you analyse the situation better. But that’s all rational thought and feelings are not rational. In creating this distance, we separate ourselves from our feelings, and feelings are incredibly important. And feeling your emotions and talking about them doesn’t make you hysterical. Yes, they can be very intense and overwhelming, but feeling that, it doesn’t mean you’re hysterical, Lexa. It means you’re human.”

He looked at her with such kindness as he countered one of her biggest worries that she had burst into tears before she even knew what was happening. “I’m sorry, this never happens.” She choked out as he offered her some tissues.

“It’s okay, you’re okay. I know you think you can’t handle your feelings, but together, you and me, we can.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys,  
> It's a long one, but I took your advice from last time and decided to post the entire thing instead of spreading it thin.
> 
> Oh and slight trigger warning, there is going to be a description of an anxiety attack further on, and Lexa tries to use pain as a method to control this. No selfharm or anything, but if you're easily triggered let me know and I will make sure youget an edited version.

“Excuse me, are you Lexa’s friend?” Clarke almost jumped of her seat, dropping her phone to the ground.

“Jeez dude, way to scare a girl half to death creeping up on her like that.” She laughed as she bent down to grab her phone. “But yes that’s me, Lexa’s-“ then she looked up and she could feel her face heat up in embarrassment, it was dr. Sexy “-friend.” She finished her sentence in a squeak.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.” Dr. Sexy smiled gently, which only served to make Clarke feel even more of an idiot. She also felt the need to apologise profusely. “No, no I’m sorry! I shouldn’t have been so rude or have scared so easily or been looking on my phone.” The more reasons she was giving to apologise the stupider she felt. What was she doing? Why was he having this much of an effect on her. She wasn’t sure, he was attractive obviously, otherwise she wouldn’t have named him dr. Sexy, but that didn’t usually blow her of course like this. Then she realised she felt nervous because she didn’t know what Lexa might have said about her. What would this stranger think of her? Would Lexa have talked about her? What would she have said? Would it be positive, she thought it would be, she hoped so, but what if Lexa blamed her for her relapse? What if dr. Sexy… she really should stop calling him that. What if dr. Miller agreed? What if he was here to tell her Lexa didn’t want to see her anymore? That she was a bad influence. Her face fell at the thought.

That’s when she realised that dr. Miller had been talking this whole time and she had no idea what he had said. “I’m sorry, dr. Miller?” She blushed even more profusely, knowing that the image he had of her definitely wouldn’t be improved by this. “Could you repeat that please?”

“What part?” His smile was so kind, that Clarke felt even more guilty as she muttered “All the parts, please.”

“Sure.” he said it so easily and without judgement that Clarke glanced up at him. Lexa couldn’t have said anything bad about her. He couldn’t be that good of an actor. On the other hand, he was a doctor he probably could be kind to everyone. “ _No, Clarke Focus!”_ She mentally chastised herself when she noticed her thoughts wandering again.

“I was just saying that Lexa and I decided that we had talked long enough for today.”

“Oh” Clarke frowned a little. What did that mean? Lexa hadn’t been in there for more than 20 minutes, she thought Anya had said the appointment would be at least 45 minutes long.

“I wanted to call someone to pick her up, but she told me a friend was waiting for her, which is even better. The reason I’m here…” For a second dr. Miller seemed unsure how to continue and Clarke’s heart dropped, he was going to tell her that she had to go, she was sure of it. “The reason I’m here is, you may have noticed the session has been a bit shorter than we originally intended. Lexa, well as her friend you know that she hasn’t been having the easiest time, and talking about it combined with her injuries, it exhausted her. Maybe take her home and pamper her, make her a cup of tea and get her in bed.” He smiled

Clarke stared at the man with wide eyes, nodding quickly. Of course she would take care of Lexa, but surely this wasn’t normal doctor behaviour?

“She needs someone to take care of her, right now.” Dr. Miller answered her unspoken question.

Clarke just nodded as he got back inside and returned a few seconds later with Lexa by his side. “I’ll see you again tomorrow, you did great.”

Lexa didn’t really respond to him except nod and shake his hand. When she turned around Clarke had to suppress a gasp, Lexa looked broken, there was no other way to describe it. Her eyes were bloodshot and a little swollen, her face was a little blotchy, and the smile she managed to give Clarke looked miserable more than anything else.

Clarke smiled tentatively as she got up. “Ready to go, Lexiloo?”

When the other girl simply nodded, Clarke got up and took her hand. “Come, we can sit in the sun for a bit while we wait for our bus.”

They headed out the hospital doors, Lexa didn’t say anything, she didn’t even seem to be really there, she was just going wherever Clarke was leading her. When they sat down at the bus stop outside in the sun Lexa closed her eyes and leaned back a little. Clarke tried not to stare, but she couldn’t help the furtive glances she kept shooting Lexa. She wanted to make sure she was okay.

“I can feel you staring, you know.” Lexa opened one eyes and grinned a little. Her voice might not be as light as it was before, but it was so good to see her smiling at all that Clarke’s answering smile was simply radiant.

“I don’t think it counts as staring when you look away every few seconds.” She could deny that she was looking at Lexa, but what would be the point? They both knew she was.

“Lexa,” Clarke started, but then she was quiet. She didn’t know what to say, she wasn’t trained for these kind of situations. She was Clarke, the girl who blurted out stuff at inappropriate times, Finn had chastised about it all the time. _“You can’t just say whatever you’re thinking, Clarke. He was an important client. Who cares if you thought his jokes were inappropriate, you can just not laugh instead of telling him he is a creep. Clarke, you can’t just tell people they look sad while their husband has just gotten an award, that’s none of our business, just clap.”_

She didn’t want to screw this up, she had to take care of Lexa, dr. Miller had said so. She wanted to of course, and she would have done so anyway, but the fact that the doctor had asked her made her a little scared about it somehow.

“Clarke?” She looked up at the mention of her name. Lexa was looking at her with concern. “Are you okay? You look, I don’t know exactly, concerned?”

All Clarke could do for a few seconds was stare at the green-eyed girl next to her. How was it possible that she could just read her so easily? And why did she look worried, she shouldn’t be taking care of Clarke, it should be the other way around.

“I’m supposed to be care for you, not the other way around.” Clarke tried to joke a little, and it seemed to work because she got one of those small smiles again. She loved those smiles.

“Okay,” Lexa conceded, “how about we admit we are worried about the other, that sound fair?”

“Yeah okay.” Clarke looked down to her feet for a second and then looked back at Lexa. “Look, I know you probably don’t want to talk about it, and that’s fine. But if you wanted we could talk about your appointment with dr. Sexy uh Miller.” Clarke could feel her cheeks redden slightly, and they only heated up further when she saw Lexa raising an eyebrow.

She tried to shrug casually. “What? You have to admit he is insanely hot.”

Lexa just shrugged and closed her eyes again. “I suppose he is not the ugliest man I have ever seen. He is really nice too.” Lexa actually sounded regretful, and Clarke couldn’t figure out why, what a weird thing to be regretful about.

“But that’s good, right? I mean a nice therapist is always better than an asshole, trust me.”

Lexa’s eyes flew open at Clarke’s confession, staring so intently that Clarke felt herself wondering if Lexa could actually see her thoughts. Maybe she should try it, ask the other girl to scratch her nose. All thoughts were stopped though when Lexa stated, with the kind of sincerity that got Clarke feeling like these were the truest words that had ever been spoken. “I do.”

Clarke just nodded, once again she didn’t know what to say. Well she wanted to say a thousand things, but none of them seemed that appropriate so in the end she decided to simply say “Dr. Miller?”

Lexa smiled, but she blushed as well and she stopped looking at Clarke, making her regret saying anything at all.

“I was determined to hate him, you know, to be his worst patient ever. I was going to be that one patient he just couldn’t crack, I would just be stoic and he would get so frustrated and eventually he would get a burn out and he would have to get on sick leave and he would forever remember me as his failure. But that’s hard to do when someone has you a sobbing mess after saying three words and is nothing but kind to you.”

“Acascuse me?!?” Clarke couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Lexa’s thoughts about dr. Miller were not only very specific, they were very vindictive as well.

“Did you really just sat acascuse me?” Lexa’s lips turned upward into a smirk.

“Oh no,” Clarke shook her head. “You do not get to distract me with that.”

“The bus is here.” Lexa had gotten up and was in the bus before Clarke even knew what was going on. She quickly jumped up and took a seat next to Lexa.

“So why the need for such an elaborate revenge fantasy?” Lexa’s deflection made her all the more interested.

“No reason.” Lexa wasn’t looking at her, and she was doing her best to look anywhere but at Clarke.

“Yeah right, come on tell me. I won’t laugh.”

“Okay, but you have to promise never to say ‘acascuse me’ ever again.” Lexa extended her hand, daring Clarke to shake it. She looked so comfortable that Clarke could almost believe she was, almost. Lexa licked her lips nervously though, and Clarke could see the panic in her eyes. So when she took hold of her hand she simply stated quietly.

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, Lexa. It’s okay.”

But Lexa shook her head, not letting go of the hand that was in hers, tracing the outline of each finger with one of hers. “Promise you won’t say anything about it? To me or to anyone?”

Clarke nodded, by now she desperately wanted to know, and not for the reasons she had to before. Earlier she had just been shocked that Lexa, the sweetest girl that Clarke knew would be so vicious. But now, now it was clear that this was not something silly, this was going to be something big, something important. Lexa was going to show her vulnerability, and Clarke craved that. She hadn’t even known she had, but now that this moment presented itself she knew it was true. She wanted to feel close to Lexa, but it was so hard to be sure how close they were sometimes, and when Lexa let her guard down it was proof, proof that they were close. Because Lexa wasn’t someone to open up to everyone.

Lexa’s voice was really soft, and she was looking down, letting her brown hair create a curtain between her face and Clarke’s, so she had to lean in close to even hear her, and when she did she was sure she had heard it wrong.

“You said he was hot.”

“What?” Clarke had blurted it out before she could stop herself.

Lexa peeked up through a small gap of hair, looking a little sullen when she repeated. “You said he was hot.”

“I said he was hot?” Clarke felt confused, of course she thought he was hot, the man was! But what did that have to do with anything. But before she could ask anything she felt a finger on her lips. And when she looked up she saw Lexa grinning at her with barely concealed panic.

“Nonono, you promised, you’re not supposed to talk about it, that also means no questions.”

“But, I said he was hot?” Clarke mumbled against that finger as she looked at Lexa questioningly.

Lexa just pulled her hand back, tucking her hair behind her ear nervously as she nodded.

“I said he was hot.” Clarke was mumbling this to herself now more than to anyone else really. And then it clicked, Lexa was jealous, the most beautiful girl she knew, the cutest girl was jealous because she had mentioned a guy was hot. Clarke felt like hugging herself, she would have too, if it wouldn’t look absolutely ridiculous. She wanted to tease Lexa about it, the way Lexa had been acting, this wasn’t just a silly confession, this was so much more. But what should she say though? She racked her brain, trying to come up with a thoughtful, kind, comforting answer, but she was coming up empty. That was the moment she decided to throw caution in the wind, when had listening to Finn ever done her any good in the past year?

Clarke leaned a little closer to Lexa, her lips almost touching the other girl’s ear as she whispered. “Oh awkward cinnamon roll, you’ve got nothing to be jealous about, he has got nothing on you.” Then she quickly pressed her lips to Lexa’s cheek before grabbing her hand and pulling her out of her seat. “Come, this is our stop!” And once again Clarke was dragging a dazed Lexa behind her, though this time the feelings overwhelming her were a lot happier than minutes before.

* * *

 

Lexa was lying on her bed, staring at her phone. She had just had breakfast with Raven before she headed out to go to class. But not before Raven had done the dishes and cleaned up. Lexa had insisted that she just go, after all it wasn’t like she had to be anywhere she could take the entire day cleaning and tidying up, but Raven had insisted. It made Lexa feel uncomfortable. She knew Raven was just trying to be nice, but it was too much. Lexa couldn’t think of anything to give back to Raven as a thanks, to make this a little more equal, to not be so dependent on the other people in her life.

She let out a sigh, calling the number of the hospital for what was probably the tenth time, but before they answered she quickly hung up. She was dreading her follow-up appointment with dr. Miller. She didn’t want to go; the short talk they had had yesterday was enough to rattle her. She wanted to hate him, stupid shrink with his kind eyes. Part of the reason was that Clarke had liked him, she hadn’t been lying to Clarke, but she hadn’t exactly been forthcoming with the biggest reason either. Her initial decision to not cooperate had been based on jealousy, but as soon as he started talking she could feel all her defence mechanisms starting to quake. Every measure she had taken to keep herself from falling apart would be broken down; she was scared.

She dialled the number of the hospital again, but this time she was too late to hang up. Someone had answered the phone and before Lexa knew what she was doing she had cancelled her appointment. As soon as she hung up the phone immense relief flooded her system, she felt like she could finally breathe again. She smiled, deciding to just lounge on her bed catching up on doctor Who.

After a while her phone buzzed so she checked it and immediately her adrenalin spiked. She had forgotten to let Clarke know the appointment was cancelled, she was coming up now. She quickly jumped up, wincing at the pain that came from her ribs, but otherwise she ignored it as she ran to the door, opening it before Clarke had a chance to even ring the doorbell.

“Hi, ready to go?”

Lexa blinked a few times, seemingly unable to form any words. She could have blamed it on the fact that she was trying her hardest to think of an excuse to tell, but the truth was none of her brain space was dedicated to that. Instead she was just staring at Clarke, who was looking at her with a bright smile. She was drinking the blonde girl in, her striking blue eyes, her slightly rosy cheeks, her blonde curls, her smile, her lips. Then Lexa’s gaze slowly moved down the girl’s throat, as her mind started constructing pictures of what it would feel like to press her lips there, to brush her nose along Clarke’s jaw, and slowly move down.

Before she could stop herself she was subconsciously licking her lips, when her eyes were pulled back to Clarke’s face when she heard a sharp intake of breath, afraid that Lexa had been caught. But Clarke wasn’t looking at her, or more specifically, she was looking at only one part of Lexa, her lips. Lexa tried to supress a smile, but she couldn’t stop it completely, causing Clarke’s eyes to narrow slightly as she moved to look Lexa in the eye. Lexa’s smile faltered immediately, caught once again by the other girl’s gaze. She couldn’t think of anything to say or do, and apparently neither could Clarke because they stood like this for a couple of seconds, that almost felt like an eternity.

Why wasn’t Clarke saying anything? Surely this wasn’t normal behaviour. Lexa could actually feel excitement starting to bubble up in her stomach as she considered that maybe she affected Clarke somewhat in the same way as Clarke did her. She wondered if this would be a good moment to kiss the other girl. She wasn’t sure, but maybe she just had to do it. Her gaze moved back to the other girl’s lip who was now wetting hers with the tip of her tongue. Lexa took a step forward, but while taking the step fear overpowered her. What was she doing? She was going to force herself on Clarke, what if the she rejected her? Lexa didn’t think she could survive it and Clarke hadn’t really said anything to suggest she liked Lexa in the same way. Sure she had said she was as beautiful as dr. Miller, but what did that say, really? Even though it made her feel happy to think back to it. And yes Clarke had been the one to instigate their first kiss, but she had been drunk, it didn’t count.

So by the time her foot reached the ground she had lost all her courage and she turned around, calling that she had to get her jacket from her room. She headed back to her room, leaning back against the closed door, trying to keep her breathing under control. What was she doing? She was driving herself crazy with those thoughts of Clarke, it really needed to stop. Plus, she needed to think on what to say to Clarke about the hospital appointment. She wanted to tell her that she had cancelled, that she had been too scared to go back. But what would Clarke think of her then? Would she see her for the coward she really was? A girl so broken that she would drag anyone around her down with her. She knew it was the right thing to do, their timers might say they are soulmates, but that didn’t mean they had to be together. Shouldn’t she want to save Clarke from this, from herself? She should, but she couldn’t. She couldn’t let Clarke just leave her, to have Clarke look at her like she was nothing, not when the way Clarke looked at her now felt so good.

“Come on, Lex think.” She muttered to herself. What could she say, what could she do? And then it clicked, she would simply do what she had done so often before with Costia. They’d just pretend to go to school, letting either of their parents drop them off, only to leave and make sure they were back in time to be picked up again.

How would she get Clarke to leave? She had from here to the hospital to figure that out. But she was spared the need to, because when she walked out of her room with a jacket in hand Clarke was looking at her phone, excited yet nervous.

“Lexa, guess what? That was Polis on the line! They want to have another meeting. Isn’t that amazing.”

“Wow, Clarke! That’s great, I’m so happy for you, you totally deserve it.” Lexa was genuinely happy for the other girl. This was why her and Clarke could never work in the long run though.

“Oh shut up, you have only seen two paintings and a few random sketches.” Clarke laughed happily as she took a hold of Lexa’s hand.

Lexa stared down at their hands clasped together. When Clarke had done it for the first time yesterday she hadn’t been sure what to think of it. She had loved the feeling, but she couldn’t help but wonder if the reason for doing it was that Clarke didn’t trust her to come along. Which she had every reason to, Lexa scolded herself, wasn’t she lying to her now? But Clarke had done it on multiple occasions yesterday and now today as well and it had felt so comforting that she actually allowed herself to enjoy the touch.

“Anyway the only thing is…” Lexa saw Clarke looking back at her slightly nervous. “It would be in like 30 minutes and it will probably take at least an hour. I already tried to see if Raven or Anya could take you, but they couldn’t.”

“It’s okay, I can go by myself, it’s no problem.” Relief flooded Lexa’s system again, this way she didn’t even have to lie to Clarke. But before she had relaxed completely Clarke was laughing.

“You’re so silly sometimes. Of course I am not going to let you go alone. My plan was to bring you there and then after you’re done you call me and I tell them I have an emergency or something and then I come and pick you up. Sounds like a plan? I mean it’s a pretty great plan if I do say so myself, right? Right?” Clarke gently nudged her side, causing Lexa to double over in pain, gasping for air.

“Fuck, Lexa I’m sorry, I forgot!” Clarke sounded absolutely miserable and panicked. “What do I do? Do you need something?” She shook her head, trying to breathe through the pain when Clarke’s hand landed on her back and she was gently moving it up and down in a soothing gesture.

“It’s fine, Clarke.” Lexa gasped, “It hardly hurts at all.” They both knew she was lying which caused Lexa to grin at Clarke, but the other girl just stared at her in disbelief and rolled her eyes. “Clearly.” She stated dryly. “It’s okay to admit broken ribs hurt like a motherfucker, Lexa.” But she smiled slightly. Anyway are you okay with the plan?”

Lexa simply nodded. Technically she hadn’t lied to Clarke by doing this, she never said she was going to see dr. Miller or that she really had the appointment, she simply didn’t correct Clarke’s assumption. And though she was telling herself this to make her feel better it only worked a little bit, but the alternative was way worse.

Clarke had dropped her off outside the hospital and had immediately jumped back on the bus, leaving Lexa standing in front of the enormous white building. Just looking at it filled her with dread. On the one hand she felt guilty, she knew that she was disappointing everyone by not going, but on the other hand just the thought of talking to dr. Miller made her feel anxious. Eventually she decided that standing in the middle of the sidewalk staring at the hospital would attract attention so she decided to head into the coffee shop across the street.

She ordered a big mug of her favourite tea, settling herself in the far back of the shop, to be sure she wouldn’t run into anyone familiar. She pulled out her book and began to read, but she only got as far as a few pages when a very familiar voice asked, “What a surprise to see you here, Lexa. Mind if I sit here?”

She just froze, feeling her body getting ready for a fight or flight response. She looked up and saw the kind, dark brown eyes of dr. Miller. Her mouth felt extremely dry, she gave a slight nod, since apparently he really was waiting for her permission to sit down. She couldn’t bear to actually look at him again though, staring down at her hands in her lap, digging her nails into the palms of her hand. It hurt, but the pain actually helped to keep a hold of herself.

Would he be angry? Would he yell at her? Would he say he wouldn’t treat her if she acted like a child? Or would he simply say that he was so disappointed in her behaviour? She didn’t know which would be worse, and she didn’t understand why it mattered so much.

Dr. Miller however seemed totally unaware of any indiscretion she might have committed “I come here when I’m on my break sometimes. Breaks don’t come around that often, but a patient cancelled so I figured now would be a good time to get my daily dose of caffeine.” As if to accentuate his words he put the Styrofoam cup to his lips and sipped.

Lexa didn’t know what to do or say. She could feel panic starting to rise. Digging her nails deeper into the palms of her hands she tried to be subtle as she started to look around the shop desperate for an escape. She noticed the bathroom sign and mumbled something to that effect as she almost ran towards it.

Sitting on the toilet pot she held her head in her hands. “Shit shit shit.” What was she going to do? This was just her rotten luck. What even were the chances of any of this happening? She felt tears starting to build up, but she forced herself not to cry, because Miller would certainly notice. It didn’t seem to work though, the tears were still at bay, but her throat was starting to constrict and soon she was breathing very fast. She couldn’t breathe, she was going to die, here in a toilet across from the hospital where she had just cancelled an appointment. Part of Lexa’s brain could see the irony that none of this would have happened if she had actually gone to the hospital. She would die because she was too scared to face her fears, typical. Okay, so on some level she knew she wasn’t going to die, she was having a panic attack. She wrapped her arms around her chest and started pressing her sides. It hurt like hell, but it helped her feel more in control, even if it doesn’t help her breathing.

She had no idea how long she was there when she heard a soft knock on the door. She forced herself to gasp out. “Taken, sorry.”

“Lexa, it’s Miller. I have taken the liberty of putting your tea in a Styrofoam cup so we can take a walk and maybe have a chat while we enjoy our beverages. Do you think you’re ready to come out?”

What? “No!” She blurted out in panic. She couldn’t face him, she couldn’t face anyone ever again.

“Okay, that’s fine. I’ll just wait here until you’re ready, or if you open the door I can help. I mean a toilet is a bit small to live in for the rest of your life you know.” Lexa could almost hear the smile in his voice. She wished she could hate him for making light of this situation, but it actually calmed her down a little. What the hell she decided, there was no way out really, she had to face him, so she turned the lock.

Miller stepped in immediately and bent down so they were eye to eye. Lexa stared at him, he didn’t seem angry or annoyed. Lexa wanted to open her mouth and say something, but once again she did nothing, and she cursed herself.

“Lexa, Lexa?” Miller pulled her attention back to him and when he saw that she was there with him he smiled a little. “Hey,” he said quietly. “okay, your breathing is a little fast and that can’t be comfortable. So we are going to do a few things. First, you’re going to put your hands on your knees.” He looked at her, waiting for her to do it, but Lexa wasn’t sure if she wanted to. “Trust me, it will feel better eventually, but I won’t force you to.” She nodded, groaning slightly as she moved her arms. “Okay good, now I am going to give you a paper bag and you can try and breathe into it, that will be uncomfortable, but it will help. But first I want to try something else, okay?” Lexa simply nodded again, she already felt a little calmer. “Okay, you’re going to copy me. I’m going to breathe into my nose for four seconds, then hold my breath for two, and then exhale through my mouth slowly.”

Miller started to do the exercise and Lexa tried to join, but it was very hard to stick to. “You’re doing great Lexa, but I want to change things up a little. We are going to breathe in and hold our breath just like we are doing now, but when we exhale we are going to name two things we can either see or hear right now. I’ll start.” Lexa thought Miller might be insane, what was he doing, but she breathed with him and listened as he named two things he heard. “I hear another toilet flushing, and a running tap. Now you.”

Lexa looked around, desperate for something to say. “I see a door, and the ugliest tiles I have ever seen?” She wasn’t sure if she was doing this right, but Miller just let out a laugh.

“They are pretty ugly.” He agreed. And to Lexa’s surprise she could actually smile a little. She felt calmer.

“Wow.” She said “It actually worked.”

“It’s a therapeutic exercise.” Miller told her.

Now that she had calmed down some Lexa’s embarrassment came flooding back in full force. She wanted to apologise to the man for being such a mess, for screwing everything up. But before she could Miller started talking.

“I’m sorry, Lexa. I hope you can accept my sincere apology.”

Lexa stared at him, before looking away guiltily. Was he serious, what was he apologising for?

“You don’t have to apologise.” She muttered to her lap. “I’m a mess.”

“No, you’re not.” This was the fiercest she had ever heard him, so she couldn’t help but look up feeling shocked. He didn’t look angry though, just that damn kindness again. “You’re not a mess, Lexa. You’re having a hard time dealing with very difficult things. I shouldn’t have startled you like I did. But I think we should take this outside, because I am sure there are other people wanting to use this bathroom.”

He got up and Lexa simply followed him. People were staring she thought, but Miller simply grabbed their cups from the table and Lexa’s bag and walked out with them.

“Here” he handed Lexa her cup and bag as soon as they were back in the fresh air. “Do you get them often, these panic attacks?” She shook her head.

“I think we should talk, Lexa.” He pressed again.

She really didn’t want to, but couldn’t think of a polite way to say no, not after what had happened today and yesterday already so she nodded, sitting down on the bench near the bus stop.

“Lexa,” Miller started talking again after a few moments, when it became clear Lexa wasn’t going to say anything, “I’m not going to force you to come to our sessions, but I think they could really help you. You’re obviously a strong woman, you have survived more than most people could. But you’re not happy, you’re not really living. You’re scared, you’re having panic attacks. I could try to help you with that.”

Lexa glanced sideways to look at him. “Why are you doing this?” She couldn’t help, but be distrustful.

“Why am I doing what?” He countered.

“Why do you want to help me so badly?”

He was quiet for a moment. “Well, I suppose because I think I can.”

She couldn’t help the derisive snort.

“What was that?” He asked.

“Nothing,” she mumbled. “Just forget it.”

“Sorry, that’s not really how this works. I answered your question, now you answer mine, that sounds fair, right?”

She could hardly disagree with that. “No one can help me…” She looked away, pushing all emotion far down so she could at least get through this without breaking down again. “I’m broken.”

Lexa didn’t know what she had expected Miller to do, but for a while he didn’t do anything. “I think you’re wrong.” He said eventually. “I think you feel broken, but we can try and fix those things.”

Lexa shook her head, playing with the lid of her cup, finally confessing her biggest fear. “If I start talking about what’s wrong, the pain, it will never stop. I will…” But she didn’t know how to finish that thought.

“A lot of people who come to see me feel that way in the beginning. It’s a scary thing to start looking at all those things we have been hiding for so long. It will get better, Lexa. However, I am not going to lie, it will not be easy. Imagine yourself as a house, bad things that happen are things that break. For instance, maybe your roof starts leaking. We can fix the roof by putting over a tarp, and maybe a bucket underneath the leak to catch the water. That’s what we usually do when bad things happen, and that’s okay we can still live in our house even if it is a little damaged. But there comes a time when there is so much stuff that’s damaged or not working that our fixes aren’t enough. Sure you could still call it a house, but you can hardly live there anymore. What we do with therapy is, drastic remodelling, we tear down some of the bad stuff and build it back up, other parts just need some TLC.” He looked back at Lexa, checking to see if she got the analogy.

“What if I don’t mind living in a rotten shack?” She wondered quietly.

“Well, then that’s your choice. There are plenty of people who choose that option. You can survive for a long time in a ‘rotten shack’ as you call it, but it would hardly be comfortable.”

“What if we tear everything down but we can’t build a new house, because the foundation is just bad and rotten and useless.” These were her essential fears, the reason she had always detested and stayed away from therapy. What if she tried and it turned out that she couldn’t be helped? That there was something so seriously wrong with her? That she was bad, and that was why all these bad things had happened to her?

“I have never met anyone where that was the case, ever.” She couldn’t doubt his sincerity. What was up with this guy? Why couldn’t she help but trust him? Maybe Clarke had been onto something when she had suggested he might be a wizard after all.

“Lexa!” Her eyes flew up and saw Clarke running towards her from the distance. Miller smiled as she saw her running towards her.

“Lexa, I will get my secretary to make another appointment with you, and I hope you will take it. In any case I want to make an agreement with you. I don’t know why you cancelled your appointment, but my guess is that you were scared. That’s okay, you can cancel an appointment at any time, that’s your right. If we are going to continue having appointments and you want to cancel all I ask is that you either call me or send me an email telling me the reason. I will never know if you’re lying and I will never check. I just want you to know that there are no bad reasons for cancelling and if you’re honest about them we can talk about it, okay?” He handed her his card and got up, shaking her hand just as Clarke stopped at the bench, leaning over it as she tried to catch her breath. “See you next time, Lexa.”

She watched him walking away as she slid his card in her pocket. Maybe she was going to see him. But before she could think any more about that Clarke had dropped herself so close to Lexa she was practically on her lap, and she seemed completely oblivious to what had just happened.

“Lexa, guess what?”

Lexa couldn’t help but grin, this was the same way she had started her revelation earlier that day. “What?”

“I got the exhibition!” Clarke squealed as she threw her arms up in the air.

“Clarke that’s amazing!” Before Lexa could say anything else Clarke threw her arms around Lexa’s neck and pulled her close pressing their lips together. Lexa froze for a fraction of a second, half convinced Clarke was just giving her a friendish peck on the lips because she was so happy, those existed, right? But when she felt Clarke’s lips part a little she knew for sure, this wasn’t a peck and it wasn’t friendly.

Just like that the rest of the world seemed to stop existing, it was just Lexa and the gorgeous girl next to her. Lexa wrapped her arms around Clarke’s waist, pulling her a little closer.  She felt a little breathless as Clarke had her bottom lip between both of hers and was swiping her tongue over it. This caused Lexa to shiver pleasantly, nothing had ever felt as good. She opened her mouth, letting her tongue meeting Clarke’s, and moved one hand to cup her cheek.

Lexa wondered if this was as amazing for Clarke as it was for her, probably not, but if it came close it would still be one of the best kisses to ever exist. It was like she could feel Clarke’s happiness seeping into her, Clarke’s brightness overwhelmed her darkened heart and made her feel whole. After a while though she had to pull away, but she kept her hand on Clarke’s cheek. She looked into the other girl’s eyes, seeing the blue darkened so beautifully that Lexa almost had to suppress a moan. Both her and Clarke were catching her breath, Clarke’s lips still slightly parted. Lexa couldn’t help but brush her thumb over them, they were just so soft.

“So,” she breathed, and it was more of a question as she looked at the other girl. Clarke didn’t reply immediately though, but she did grin salaciously. Then she simply pulled her arms from around Lexa’s neck and turned a little so her head rested on Lexa’s shoulder.

“So,” she murmured softly as she laced Lexa’s fingers with her own, “I figured since this is my lucky day I should push my luck.”

Lexa couldn’t help but feel like sunshine burst in her chest, she felt light and giddy. Clarke had wanted to kiss Lexa, and considered it pushing her luck. Clarke looked up at her from her shoulder and started to giggle. Lexa looked down at the blonde in confusion.

“You should see your adorable little face.” Clarke said with the biggest smile as she leaned up and pecked her lips. “I could just eat you up, I swear.”

At that Lexa couldn’t stop the burst of laughter, especially when Clarke turned red tried to look affronted as she smacked Lexa. “I didn’t mean it like that… Fuck! I did it again.”

Lexa just shook her head, slightly wheezing with laughter and pain as she clutched her side. Deciding to throw caution to the wind, considering the overwhelming evidence that Clarke wanted to kiss her, she grinned. “You could kiss it better?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know a lot of this fic has been focussed on Lexa's anxiety and feelings more than that we have had scenes with Clarke and Lexa together. I have to be honest with you, this wasn't the original plan, it just happened. Having said that I decided to let it happen because I like it, and I think it is so important. I think a lot of stories where horrible things happen to people that pain is simply resolved by finding their love or soulmate or whatever. And that's a wonderful thought, that you can be healed with love, but in my experience that's not the case, some wounds need more than just love. And I think it's so important to adress that. Because it's not fair to expect the person who has these issues to get better by simply being loved, but it's also not fair for the other person to who is expected to heal someone, it's far too much responsibility.  
> That's why Miller has been so prominent these two chapters. Clarke wants to help Lexa and of course she does, but Lexa needs more than that, she needs a professional to help her work through her problems. Anyway I hoped the last part showed you guys that I am in no way forgetting this is Clexa fanfiction, and that I am not forgetting about them.
> 
> I apologise for this note with the length of an essay, but I wanted you guys to understand my reasoning.  
> As always feedback is very much appreciated!


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's back already?  
> I know it's a shortie, but I think it's a goodie.  
> I figured we could use some more fluffiness after the intense chapters we have had, plus it was a way to thank you all for being so sweet about the last chapter.  
> So I figured I'd just post this as soon as I had it done.

“Shit, I totally forgot to call my mom.” Clarke looked away from the tv to Lexa who was on the other side of the couch, their feet tangled in the middle. She put her feet back down on the ground, and grabbed her mobile phone from the coffee table, heading to the hallway to make the phone call.

“She’ll be so excited.” Clarke’s smile seemed so happy, it made Lexa wonder if her mom would have been proud if Lexa had ever done anything as amazing as Clarke. She quickly pushed the thoughts away though, she knew these thoughts would only lead her to a dark path. Her past was her past, nothing she could do about it. She wanted to focus on here and now, because even though this day hadn’t had a promising beginning all the parts after that had been positive. Now that she had had a little time to think, she even thought that her run in with Miller had been good. Mostly because the moment with Clarke had felt like a breath of fresh air. She had felt light; it had been a short moment of happiness. And Mill

Most important of course had been the kiss of course, but even the moments after had been nice. Clarke had come back with her to the apartment. They had talked about the exhibition, art, Clarke had shown her some pictures of some of the art she had made. Lexa was surprised by how personal it was. She knew of course that artists got inspiration from their lives and that their creations meant a lot to them, but now with Clarke telling her why she loved some pieces and disliked others, telling her all the stories involved, it felt like she could truly appreciate it for the first time.

She stared at the door as it opened, seeing Clarke skipping back to her with a smile on her face, that Lexa could only assume positive things. “And?” she asked.

“She is really happy for me.” Clarke grinned, “Because of the exhibition and other stuff.” Clarke didn’t elaborate, and though Lexa was extremely curious to what that other stuff would be, hoping that it might mean her, she didn’t feel it was her place to ask. If Clarke had wanted to tell her she would have.

“I can’t wait for her to meet you.” Clarke let herself fall back down on the couch and cuddled herself up to Lexa.

“Hmmm.” Lexa froze, she didn’t know what to say. She could feel her breathing getting more laboured. Why would Clarke want that? What did it mean? Clarke seemed to notice, because she looked up at Lexa questioningly.

“I think you would like her, and she would like you.” Clarke offered.

Lexa nodded distractedly, she couldn’t really focus on what Clarke was saying. On the one hand she felt a great deal of anxiety, but on the other hand there was elation. The fact that she didn’t know what this meant in the end was too much to handle. She figured it was better to know in the end she couldn’t stop herself asking “Why?”

“Why do I think you two would like each other?”

“No, why,” Lexa swallowed nervously, all of a sudden she wasn’t so sure she wanted to know the answer. “Why do you want us to meet?”

Clarke threw her head back and laughed. Lexa watched her while her thoughts were going a thousand miles an hour. “Why do you think, you goof?” Clarke snorted.

“I… I am not quite sure, which is why I am asking.” Lexa fumbled with her fingers, licking her lips as a nervous gesture. However instead of answering Clarke’s eyes darkened slightly and zoomed in on her lips, before shaking her head slightly.

“You’re so weird sometimes, I mean it’s incredibly cute, but weird.” She leaned up a little, pressing a kiss to Lexa’s cheek.

“Why do I want you to meet my mom, because I think you’re awesome, and we hang out. I have told my mom all about you and she’s curious to see who my new friend is.” Clarke smiled sweetly before nestling herself against Lexa.

Lexa was glad Clarke couldn’t see her face, because she wasn’t able to hide her disappointment immediately. Clarke said they were friends; she had hoped she would say something else. Did Clarke see them as just friends? Maybe she saw timers as being platonic, maybe she wasn’t attracted to her, but then why kiss her? Maybe Clarke was asexual. Would that be so bad? Maybe not, she felt this overwhelming need to be close to Clarke, if Clarke wanted that too than maybe it didn’t need to be sexual. Lexa couldn’t deny she hadn’t sometimes thought about what it would be like, and kissing Clarke had been amazing, but if it was not something she was comfortable with that would be okay. She thought it would be a lot harder if Clarke wanted their relationship to be entirely platonic. She wasn’t sure if she could do that, mostly because it left the option open of Clarke getting romantically involved with someone else and Lexa didn’t think she could handle that.

She gasped in pain as she felt a poke in her ribs. “Ow! What was that for?”

“Shit sorry, I keep forgetting.” Clarke apologised, but she also had a smile on her face. “Though maybe you deserve it, because I don’t think you have heard a word I said.”

“Did too” huffed Lexa with a pout. “You said you wanted me to meet your mother as friends.”

Clarke smirked and raised an eyebrow. “Okay first of all, that is not what I said, and I meant after that.”

“I… Fine I don’t know what you said after, I’m sorry.” Lexa tried to scowl slightly, but the look on Clarke’s face just made her smile in the end. “Could you please repeat it?”

“Maybe…” Clarke rubbed her chin as if she had to think hard about it. “What do I get in return?”

“Whatever you want.” Lexa replied

“Ohhh” The look of elation on Clarke’s face made Lexa regret saying it, because she looked devious. “I take it back.” She tried, but Clarke chook her head.

“Oh no, you don’t. No backsies. Let me see… Whatever I want, let’s see, okay I want you to come out with me and Raven tonight to celebrate, you’ll take me to the hospital tomorrow to get the stitches out, and I want you to kiss me.”

“Kiss you?” Lexa’s voice came out a lot squeakier than she intended.

“Kiss me.” Confirmed Clarke as she turned so she sat opposite Lexa, grinning widely and raising her eyebrows in a challenging manner.

“Um okay.” Lexa swallowed thickly, her eyes flitting from Clarke’s eyes to her lips and back, leaning closer and closer. She could hardly believe her luck, Clarke had actually said she wanted Lexa to kiss her, this must mean she liked her, right? But then when there were only a few millimetres between their lips Lexa got scared. What if Clarke meant she wanted a kiss, but just as friends; she didn’t want to overstep her boundaries, but she was too close to stop completely, so it ended up being an awkward peck.

“What the fuck was that?” Clarke demanded.

“A kiss?” Lexa muttered, unable to look at Clarke, feeling shame rise from deep within her, she had overstepped. And before she could stop herself she was apologising. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have, I just, you said kiss and all I could think was ‘oh my god, she wants me to kiss her’ and then all these images came into my head, and I just-“ Lexa could feel her cheeks burning, what was she doing? Why couldn’t she stop her rambling? But then Clarke laid a finger on her lips, silencing her.

“These images? Were they gross?”

“Why?” Lexa mumbled against Clarke’s finger, choosing to focus on why she asked them rather than answering, because she was entirely unsure what Clarke would classify as gross.

“Because your kiss was more uptight than the queen of England, that’s why. I’m not your mom. You didn’t seem to have trouble kissing before.” Clarke tilted her head slightly in question.

“Oh,” Clarke wanted her to _really_ kiss her, she felt silly now for her nerves. “I just thought, you know, as friends…”

Clarke sniggered. “So that’s what was bothering you? Why didn’t you say so?”

“Well,” Why didn’t she just say so, Lexa wondered. She wasn’t sure, she was scared of the answer she supposed.

“Look, Lexa. You’re not a mind reader you know. You can’t just decide you know what I think without checking it with me. Communication is key here.”

“Right, of course.” Lexa nodded. “So, why did you say friends?” She asked hesitantly.

“Honestly? I don’t know. I think it was easier than really defining us already. I mean we’re not friends. I mean, I don’t know about you, but I don’t go kissing around Raven like that.”

“Like what?” Both of the girls froze as Raven’s voice came from the doorway.

“Like this.” Clarke said, and before Lexa had fully realised what Clarke’s intentions were, she was pulled flush against the girl, half on top of her. Clarke’s mouth immediately opened, teasing Lexa to do the same, and she couldn’t resist. Part of her brain knew she should probably be more concerned that they were kissing right in front of Raven, but the rest of Lexa’s brain was too run over with sensations to care. Clarke’s lips were on hers, and as their tongues intertwined she could swear she could almost taste the excited happiness that Clarke just seemed to emit. Her eyes closed as she tried to envelop herself fully in this experience. She could feel Clarke’s body underneath her and she let her hands brush up her sides as she shifted slightly. The soft moan this elicited from Clarke, made Lexa feel so excited, she actually felt a little dizzy. She pulled her lips away just enough to feel Clarke leaning forward and the grip on her neck tightening, not wanting it to end. This caused a new sense of desire and Lexa pressed her lips hungrily back, taking more initiative and forcing her tongue into Clarke’s mouth.

But right when the moment came close that she was actually in danger of forgetting where she was, Raven’s voice was right beside them. “Wow, that’s pretty hot. Yeah Clarke never kissed me like that, that’s for sure.”

Lexa let out a squeak and fumbled and almost toppled off the couch, but Raven caught her.

“Yeah, I bet that kiss turned that cinnabon brain of yours to mush.” She grinned as she wriggled herself between the two other girls with extreme difficulty.

Lexa quickly crawled to the far end of the couch, unsure of how to act. Clarke on the other end just seemed extremely annoyed and pushed Raven off her. “Ugh, Raven get off me! I don’t want _you_ on top of me.”

Raven gasped, clutching her hand to her chest. “What? Am I too much of a sinnamon roll with an s instead of a c?” At that Raven doubled over, laughing at her own joke. Which gave Lexa the chance to look at Clarke who rolled her eyes and then looked at Raven, which actually made Lexa giggle. The giggle caused Raven to immediately turn to her, her eyes slightly narrowed.

“And you, some roommate you are.”

“What?” Lexa’s eyes widened in shock.

Raven grinned “As soon as I leave, you get some floozy in here, and- OUCH!” she turned around and rubbed the back of her head.

“I am not some floozy!” Clarke growled. “And if you keep being this rude, I am not telling you the best news ever, and I am certainly not taking you out to celebrate tonight.”

“Ohhh no, tell me, tell me!” Raven seemed to bounce up and down with excitement.

“No, let me guess. You and Cinnabon have tied the knot, no wait, you’re pregnant with Lexa’s baby! Oh my god I’m gonna be an aunt!” She turned around and hugged Lexa tightly, who was so overwhelmed she wasn’t really sure what to do or say. “We’re not, Clarke’s not, it doesn’t.” But Raven wasn’t listening. “Oh god, your babies are going to be so beautiful, it will be their superpower.”

“Raven.” Clarke’s scolding voice had both of the other girls looking at her. “Let Lexa go; can’t you see you’re freaking her out?” While she said that she took hold of Raven’s hand and dragged her off Lexa. “And do I need my mom to give you sex ed again? Two girls can’t make babies.”

“Potato- _potato_ ” Raven shrugged and grinned. “But you did bump uglies then?” Raven wiggled her brows.

All of a sudden Lexa seemed to find a little confidence, finally convinced this was all just friendly teasing. “Who are you calling ugly?” She raised her brow as Raven turned to gasp at her. Clarke on the other hand just laughed loudly and held her hand up for a high five.

“Ouch, Cinnabon, seems like you carry more heat than I thought. I like it.” Raven decided and grinned, before turning to Clarke. “So what is this news then.”

“I got the exhibit!” Clarke squealed, and as soon as she said it Raven dove on top of her. “Clarke! Oh my god, that’s amazing! We have to go celebrate!” But then Raven’s face fell. “I have to work.”

“No matter, Lexa and I are coming to the bar to celebrate with you.”

“You are? That’s great, because Tuesday nights are usually pretty boring. Maybe I can convince Sinclair to let us do karaoke. And of course you two drink for free to celebrate.”

Clarke snorted. “Raven I always drink for free when you’re tending the bar.”

“Yeah, alright fair enough. Okay, what’s for dinner?”

“Actually, I have to go.” Clarke said as she got up. “My mom wanted to celebrate too with dinner, and seeing as I have hardly seen her past days I think it would be good if I spent at least one meal there.” She laughed lightly as she headed to the door.

Before she could open the door though Lexa had scrambled up from the couch and ran to the door to open it for her. “I’ll let you out.” She said a little breathless, while Raven laid down to occupy the entire couch teasing her. “Very chivalrous of you, Cinnabon!”

“Don’t listen to her.” Clarke whispered as she leaned in close. “I think it’s cute.”

Lexa nodded, smiling slightly. She gathered up her courage, moving her hand to Clarke’s cheek, brushing her thumb over her cheekbone as she pressed a kiss to her lips. She felt Clarke let out a little gasp, and her eyes flew open to check what it meant. However, she could feel the smile on Clarke’s lips and the other girl’s eyes were closed.

This kiss was nothing like the kisses Clarke had instigated. Here, there was no reckless abandon, but it was no less sincere or enthusiastic. Lexa tried to explain everything she couldn’t properly put into words with this kiss. How happy Clarke made her, and that she wanted to do the same for her. After a few seconds she pulled away a little, smiling she whispered against Clarke’s lips. “I’ll see you tonight.”

“Alright, alright Clarke you better go now before I develop type 2 diabetes from you two.” Raven called from the couch. So with a last glare to the girl on the couch Clarke was off.

* * *

 

“Mom!” Clarke stood on the top of the stairs, wrapped in a towel. “Mom!”

“Alright, alright, I’m coming.” She heard her mother say as she headed to the bottom of the stairs. “What’s wrong my sweet daughter with the voice of an angel?”

“Harhar,” Clarke rolled her eyes. “This is not the time for jokes, mom, definitely not with your sense of humour.”

“Hey!” Abby Laughed as she got up the stairs. “I’ll have you know you used to love my jokes, and your dad too.”

“Yeah, but that’s just because we love you.” Clarke grinned and pressed a kiss to her mother’s cheek. “But now back to the problem. I have nothing to wear.”

“Clarke,” Abby started.

“I don’t!” Clarke exclaimed, stomping back to her room.

“Oh my, this looks like an actual warzone. There also seem to be an awful lot of clothes tossed on the floor for you not to have anything to wear.” Abby commented as she followed her daughter in.

“Well, nothing is right.” Clarke huffed as she picked up the same shirt she had discarded moments before she called her mom, before she let herself fall back on her bed.

“What is wrong with me? I always know what to wear and I always look great.”

Abby laughed as she sat down next to her daughter, patting her knee in an effort to comfort her. “Clarke, come on. You know why.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Clarke leaned up on her elbows, staring at her mom.

“Really? Are we really going to do this?”

“Clarke let herself fall back and pulled the shirt over her face so her mother couldn’t see it. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She muttered mulishly.

“Well,” Abby pulled the shirt off her daughter, “then let me clarify. I am talking about the fact that the difference is that now you’re going out for drinks with Lexa, the girl you… I don’t know what to call it, but let’s just say really like a lot.” Abby stated dryly, but then she added, almost as if to herself. “Though I am not sure that does it justice.”

“So? I have had crushes before. I was in a relationship with Finn for five goddamn years. I knew what he liked and how he wanted me to dress.”

Clarke had wanted to continue, but she faltered at her mother’s frown. “What?” She wondered.

“You used to dress how you think Finn wanted you to dress?” Her mom asked.

“Of course.” Clarke replied, what was her mom being so weird about.

“Of course is not the logical answer here, Clarke.” Her mother told her as she pulled her daughter up, wrapping her arms around her daughter.

“Sometimes I wonder how I could not have seen what was wrong with that boy before.”

“Mom, stop.” Clarke tried to pry herself from her mom’s grip. “This wasn’t Finn’s fault. I just wanted him to like looking at me, you know I wanted him to be proud of the way I looked.” She shrugged.

“Honey, he should always have been proud. You should be able to wear what you want to wear, not worry what Finn, or Lexa for that matter wants you to wear.”

Abby got up and started to grab some random pieces of clothing. “I think you’re perfectly capable of dressing yourself, but here are some options that I think are totally you if you don’t know.”

Clarke smiled, standing up she pressed another kiss to her mother’s cheek. “Thanks, mom, but I think I actually know what I want to wear.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, let me know what you think.  
> Comments and kudos are food for the creative ( and confidence) part of my .


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg you guys 69 comments! I laughed so hard. (Yes I am that immature)
> 
> Anyway new chapter up, and it's a longer one. I just wanted to get some more kissing in there before, you know...
> 
> Also thanks to seaweedbrain who said in her comment: I really would like to clarke wear what ever se likes and lexa would be like you have never looked so beautiful or something like that.  
> So you see, you wish and you shall recieve. ;)
> 
> Anyway enjoy!

The doorbell rang, Lexa looked up from the tv towards Raven, nudging her with her foot. “Who’s at the door?”

“How should I know? I’m not psychic you know. Get up and open the door, if you’re so curious.”

“I’m injured.” Lexa pouted.

Raven got up with a sigh, walking to the door to open it. “Don’t expect me to fall for that much longer, Cinnabon, the way you were humping Clarke definitely showed me you can handle some physical strain.” Then Raven turned to the door opening, smirking widely. “Oh hello Anya.”

“Very funny!” Lexa called from the couch. “Pretending Anya is there so I’d be embarrassed about her hearing about what you call my ‘humping session. I know for a fact she is working.”

“Oh Cinnabon,” Raven sighed happily. “You clearly don’t have all the facts.” She smirked as she pushed the door open wide enough so Lexa could see her older sister standing in the doorway.

“Anya!” Lexa felt her face turn red as she tried to scramble off the couch. “What are you doing here? I thought you were working late.”

“Clearly.” Anya grinned, “So what is this about you humping? I thought Lincoln told you no intense physical activity for at least a week?” She raised an eyebrow teasingly.

“I…It wasn’t really, it was just a kiss, no biggie.” Lexa tried to shrug it off, but Raven wouldn’t let her.

“Excuse me, no biggie? Have you or have you not been hugging yourself with glee ever since Clarke left, like some kind of giant dweeb?”

“Shut up.” Lexa hissed, “I have not been hugging myself, much.”

“You’re such a bad liar.” Raven laughed before she turned to Anya. “Trust me, she’s been hugging herself.”

Anya nodded, but didn’t say anything and all of a sudden Raven seemed to remember something. “Anyway, I need to get going, my shift is starting soon.”

“What?” Lexa started to panic, she had hardly been alone with Anya since she had yelled at her sister to get out. “I thought your shift didn’t start until nine, it’s only seven now.”

“Sinclair called he wanted me to come in a little early.” Raven was already grabbing her coat.

“No, he didn’t.” Lexa was starting to sound desperate now.

“Yes, he did.” Raven said firmly, and she leaned over Lexa, pretending she needed to find her keys in a crease of the couch, while she whispered. “You have to talk to her.” With those words she headed to the door. “Bye Anya, nice seeing you. You should totally come by tonight, it’s gonna be fun.”

Anya just nodded again, her eyes watching Lexa carefully. Lexa swallowed thickly, feeling herself unable to meet Anya’s eyes for long.

“By the looks of your shock you’re very surprised to see me here.” Lexa startled when Anya’s voice came from so close next to her, Anya had moved to the couch without Lexa even realising it. “So I take it you didn’t send this message either.” Anya handed Lexa her phone, and there under Lexa’s message was a text, but she definitely hadn’t sent it.

**_Hey big sis can you come by @7 we need to talk <3 Lexa_ **

“No, I don’t really do the heart emoji-thing either, or call you big sis, Raven must have done it when I wasn’t looking.” Lexa offered weakly.

“Right,” Anya seemed to deflate, “I guess I was just hoping it was you, more than actually believing it.”

“You were hoping I would text?” Lexa sneaked a look at Anya. She had thought about sending one a lot over the past few days, but she hadn’t known what to say, she hadn’t been sure if Anya would even want her to send anything; and the longer she had waited, the harder it got.

“Of course!” Anya stared at her with utter disbelief. “My baby sister just came out of the hospital, you think I didn’t want to know how you were doing?”

“Oh,” Lexa was so surprised, but at the same time she was angry at herself for it. How could she ever think so little of Anya, of course she would want to know. “I wasn’t sure… I thought you’d still be angry.”

“I am.” Anya countered. And Lexa realised she had maybe thought that Anya would have forgiven her, but that she had hoped that Anya had, like she had done with everything Lexa had ever done to her. She could feel herself go pale in seconds, she felt a little lightheaded and short of breath.

“Oh, of course.” She had no idea what to say, or where to look. She couldn’t bear the thought of Anya hating her. The thought that might be the case caused tears to burn in her eyes, but she bit her lip. She refused to let them fall and make Anya feel sorry for her.

But Anya had always been too good at reading her, soon enough she felt a hand rest lightly on her arm, the other arm wrapping around her shoulder and pulling Lexa against her big sister. That was the moment Lexa broke down, hiding her face against her sister’s shoulder she let her tears fall. “I’m so sorry, please don’t hate me. I didn’t mean it, I was just so… please don’t hate me!”

“Lexa,” Anya sighed, rubbing Lexa’s back, “I don’t hate you. I could never hate you, you know that. But I’m hurt, I was only trying to help, and you have hardly said a thing to me since that night.”

Lexa peeked up at her sister when she heard her voice break. She had never considered that not talking to Anya would actually hurt her. “I didn’t know what to say, nothing felt good enough.” She confessed. Hiding her face back against Anya’s shoulder, she continued. “You have to understand, I was so scared I would relapse. And you just kept pushing it, I knew you would convince me it was okay, I panicked.” It wasn’t the whole truth, but it was true enough. Anya didn’t need to know part of her had wanted to punish her for everything she had done, that the pain was some kind of atonement.

“But then you took them in the end.” There was a question in Anya’s voice, but Lexa wasn’t entirely sure what it was.

“I did,” she agreed, “I was in so much pain and Clarke, she convinced me it was okay.”

“But why her and not me?” Anya’s voice sounded so sad, that Lexa looked up, shocked. “Why do you never let me help, why don’t you trust _me_?”

Lexa didn’t know what to say, it was clear Anya believed this was true, there was no other explanations for her sadness; but it was entirely untrue. If anything Lexa felt like she had depended on Anya too much. Anya had always been there, she had taken her in, helped her with her job, helped her get her life back together.

“Anya” She whispered, clutching her sister’s hand, desperately to make her see. “I do trust you, more than anyone. You’ve been taking care of me all my life; you were the one who made sure my nightlight was on, the one who made sure I had something to eat for lunch, the one who came to see my performance in the school musical, the one to teach me about safe sex, or that it’s okay and normal to like girls and not boys, the one who made Costia treated me okay; that person has always been you.”

Anya smiled slightly, whipping her eyes. “That musical was pretty terrible; I do deserve some credit for that.”

“You do.” Lexa smiled, thinking back to seeing Anya in the audience that day. She had been over the moon, it had felt like the entire audience had been there just for her, that’s how good it had felt. She hadn’t told anyone she was in the play; she knew no one would come to watch and hearing people tell her that would have hurt too much, so she had decided she didn’t want anyone there, that was until Anya had come.

“But it’s not the same, Lex.” Anya admitted. “All of that was when you were young, you didn’t have a choice, who else was going to take care of you? But when you and Costia…” She paused for a second, but before Lexa could be pulled under by the memories Anya continued, “and now. You promised you’d come to me if you had trouble. But then and now you ran away, and you accepted help from others but not me. I know it must be hard for you, but you have to understand, it’s hard for me too.”

Lexa nodded, she did understand, at least she thought she did, but she didn’t know what to say. She couldn’t even explain to herself why she hadn’t just gone to Anya like they had agreed. It was in her relapse prevention plan, and she had been sure that she would if it ever were to happen, but she didn’t. All she could think to say was “I am so sorry.”

Anya nodded, “Alright, enough of this, I know you’re uncomfortable. Tell me about your humping activities.” She nudged Lexa slightly, causing her to gasp.

“What is wrong with you people? Do you forget I broke my ribs a few days ago?” She groaned.

“You people?” Anya asked, not in the slightest bit distracted.

“Yeah, well Clarke has done this too many times the past few days. It’s funny when you see how horrible she feels when she remembers though.” Lexa chuckles slightly. “Anyway there isn’t much to tell. She has brought me to my appointments the past few days, as you know. We’ve been hanging out a bit.” Lexa tried so hard to sound casual, like it was no big deal, but Anya knew better.

“Of course, no big deal, you apparently have been going around making out with her. You do that with everyone.”

“No, I don’t!” Lexa said indignantly, only realising what she said when she saw Anya’s satisfied smile.

“No you don’t.” She agreed. “So when do I get to meet her?”

“Anya, you already met her.”

“I know, but that doesn’t count, that was before you two were together.”

“We’re not together!” Lexa rectified her sister.

“You’re not? Why?”

“Well, I don’t know, we have known each other just a few days. That’s a bit soon, don’t you think?”

“Lexa…”

“Just drop it, okay? We’re not ready for that. I don’t mind.” Lexa had crossed her arms defensively; she didn’t want to think about these things.

“Alright alright.” Anya , placating her. “So are you going to Raven’s bar tonight? What’s the occasion?”

At that question Lexa started to smile with pride and happiness. The thought of Clarke’s pride and how she had wanted to tell Lexa so much, and the kiss. It all caused her to sit there a million miles away for a second, before she managed to pull herself together. “Clarke got an art show at this amazing gallery and we’re going to Raven’s to celebrate tonight. You should come too.”

“Ah no thanks, I have work in the morning, but thanks for inviting me. Maybe we can hang out until you go?”

“Sure,” Lexa agreed. “You can stay here until Clarke picks me up.”

* * *

 

“Just knock already.” Clarke grumbled to herself. “Stop being such a baby. AAAAH!” She felt a hand on her shoulder and was about to use Raven’s patented ‘hit them in the nuts’-kick, when she saw it was Mrs. Robinson.

“Mrs. Robinson, you scared me half to death!” She exclaimed.

“I’m so sorry, Clarke, sweetie, is it all because of the brainwashing you had to go to before you could leave North-Korea? Raven told me all about that.” She put a hand on Clarke’s shoulder and looked at her with so much sympathy, Clarke couldn’t bear to tell her old neighbour the truth, she simply nodded.

“But, Clarke, what are you doing here? You need to move on, honey. Raven has found a new girlfriend, and you know I have a sweet spot in my heart for you, but Raven has been happy again. I know she doesn’t want you to know, but you leaving for North-Korea really took a toll on her.”

“You know Raven and I weren’t in a relationship, Mrs. Robinson, we were just roommate, and you have met my boyfriend Finn, remember? He fixed your washing machine once.” Clarke had to laugh to herself, Mrs. Robinson always had special ideas and her and Raven being girlfriends had just been another one to add to the long list. But now that she and Lexa were, she didn’t know exactly what they were, but hr having a girlfriend it didn’t seem so weird anymore.

“Clarke, I have seen enough sex and he city to know what roommate is code for, plus I know a beard when I see one, there is more sexual chemistry between me and Pike here,” She lifted up her tiny Chihuahua, or as Raven called the little monster, _proof that dogs were designed by the devil_ , “than there ever was between the two of you.”

“Clarke, I thought I heard something, hi Mrs. Robinson.”

Clarke’s head swivelled around as she heard her name, seeing Lexa stand in the doorway. Lexa’s hair was full of intricate braids, her make-up was a little darker than usual and Clarke couldn’t stop looking at her. Every time she blinked she saw something new and her eyes focussed on that, Lexa’s eyes, a light greyish green, more beautiful than she even thought possible; those plump, soft lips; the little freckles on her nose and cheeks that were hardly visible, but that Clarke wanted to kiss. Slowly Clarke’s gaze moved down Lexa’s body, her breath actually caught in her throat; it wasn’t that she was wearing something spectacular, it just looked so amazing on her.

Clarke was so engrossed in the girl in front of her that she hardly noticed Lexa seemed just as mesmerized by her. It caused Mrs. Robinson to walk off muttering to her dog. “Oh Pike, this is awkward. I don’t think Raven will be happy with this one for long, but then again no one has ever been able to resist Clarke.”

“Clarke, wow, you look absolutely… wow.” Lexa’s voice sounded a little winded and she seemed lost for words. Those words were enough to pull Clarke from the reverie that was the study of Lexa’s body. If Clarke was honest it was more the way Lexa said them than what she said. It caused all of Clarke’s insecurities to fall away; her mother had told her she looked amazing, and when she had left she had thought so too, but the closer the moment had come that she was going to see Lexa, the more she had started to doubt her choice. She hadn’t worn clothes like this in a long time, Finn hadn’t liked it when other people looked at her, and she didn’t want him to feel uncomfortable. Would Lexa like it? She hoped she would, but she couldn’t be sure.

All those worries were blasted away though, and Clarke could feel a sense of happiness and confidence rush over her. Because Lexa’s voice, her words and even the way she looked, they all spoke of nothing but acceptance and did she dare to believe it, adoration? She smiled, making a slight pirouette. “You like it?”

Lexa nodded vehemently. “You look very beautiful, Clarke.” A shy smile graced her lips, as she gripped Clarke’s hand and pulling her closer. She pressed a kiss to her cheek, whispering. “You look radiant.”

When Lexa let go of Clarke’s hand and turned around heading back inside, Clarke actually felt lost for a second. She felt ridiculous for being so affected. Lexa had hardly touched her, or said anything, yet here she stood acting like an idiot. She shook her head, following the other girl inside.

“Anya, nice to see you.” She smiled, genuinely pleased to see Lexa’s sister. That was a good sign. She had noticed that they hadn’t been talking the last few days. She had wanted to intervene, but Raven had told her she needed to let it go. And Clarke trusted her best friend, plus she hadn’t exactly dared bringing the subject up with Lexa. “Are you coming with us?”

“No, I’m going home, I have work tomorrow.” The older girl smiled, getting up from the couch, hugging her sister and whispering something in her ear. Clarke made a mental note to ask Lexa what she had said at some point, because she was turning bright red.

“Have fun, ladies, don’t do anything I wouldn’t do. Oh and Clarke, keep an eye on my baby sister, she might have a few drinks in her already.” With a last wave and laugh Anya was out the door, leaving Lexa and Clarke looking at each other.

“So…” Lexa’s gaze moved between a spot on the floor and Clarke’s face as her blush slowly started to diminish.

“So…” Clarke grinned as she walked closer to Lexa. “Are you going to tell me what Anya whispered to you?”

Lexa shook her head.

“No?” Clarke’s grin widened as she moved closer, cornering Lexa as she kept stepping back, until she was trapped against the fridge. “Oops, nowhere to go now.” Clarke placed a hand on each side of Lexa’s head, leaning so close that their lips were almost touching. “I could make you tell me; I can be very persuasive.” Clarke whispered. She could feel Lexa’s breath speeding up as it fanned her face.

“You could make me do anything,” Lexa confessed, “but you won’t; you’ll wait till I’m ready?” Her eyes burned with sincerity, and a kind of desperate plea. Lexa’s questioning words turned this scene from teasing and playful to something else. Their gazes locked, and there seemed to be running some kind of connection between the two of them.

Clarke nodded slightly, unable to move her body otherwise. “Always.” She confirmed, trying desperately to be show Lexa with her eyes how much she meant it, just as Lexa always seemed to show whatever was going on in her mind with her eyes. Clarke doubted she succeeded though. There was probably no one on this earth that had those abilities beside Lexa herself. But then all thoughts seemed to leave Clarke, because Lexa had licked her lips in a nervous gesture, and they were close enough that they also briefly came in contact with Clarke’s bottom lip. Both their breathing had stopped for a second and their pupils dilated. Lexa wrapped her arms around Clarke’s neck, pulling her closer, just as Clarke moved in, pressing herself fully against Lexa.

This kiss was different from other kisses they had had; it was hungry, passionate, unstoppable; their teeth clashed at times, their mouths trying to fit together every way possible. Lexa had her hands around Clarke’s neck so tightly that her nails would leave a mark; Clarke’s hands on the other hand seemed to be having a mind of their own, she could still feel what they were doing, but she had no control over it. They had moved from beside Lexa’s head down to her waist, moving slowly under the girl’s shirt. Lexa’s skin felt incredibly soft and warm, Clarke could feel her shivering slightly as she slowly moved her hands up her stomach, tracing the underside of her bra before cupping her breasts. Clarke used that moment to press herself harder against Lexa, and the gasping groan she let out sent sparks through Clarke’s entire nervous system, until she realised that Lexa wasn’t kissing her actively anymore. She opened her eyes, and seeing the painful grimace on Lexa’s face she pulled away with a gasp.

“Fuck, I’m so sorry.” She had forgotten again, how could she be so stupid. Lexa had broken ribs, how hard was that to remember?

“Nook” Lexa whined softly, digging her nails deeper into Clarke’s neck, pulling her back.

“Lexa, you’re in pain.” Clarke mumbled to the other girl’s lips.

“I’m fine.” Lexa had moved from her lips to her throat and was pressing open-mouthed kisses from the collar of her shirt, up to her ear, whispering. “Come on, Clarke, you know you want to.”

Clarke could feel the smile on the other girl’s lips, and the words made her laugh, remembering when she had used those exact words to convince Lexa. She pulled away slightly. “I don’t think all the other kids are doing this.” She pulled her hands from underneath Lexa’s shirt to gesture between them.

“Clarke?” Lexa’s voice was quiet, a little hoarse and incredibly hungry.

Clarke had to close her eyes for a second and let out a groan. “Nope, we’re not doing this right now. First of all because I clearly can’t control myself and I’ll end up squishing that beautiful chest and you’ll probably die or something, second of all if I don’t stop now I won’t be able to and we promised to go celebrate with Raven. And third” Clarke opened her eyes, purposely biting her bottom lip, “I can use this to force you to tell me what Anya told you.”

Lexa laughed, shaking her head. “Not a chance.” She grabbed Clarke’s hand and pulled her to the door. “I’m never telling you that. Come on, let’s go to Raven.”

* * *

 

Lexa usually didn’t like going to bars, but this was actually okay. She had fun, Clarke and her had even done some karaoke when it had just been the three of them in the bar. If anyone had told Lexa that morning she would be singing wannabe from the spice girls with Clarke within 24 hours, she would have thought them to be crazy. She was sure the drinks had something to with her bravery though.

Raven kept bringing them these amazing different coloured drinks, Lexa had no idea what they were called, but they were amazing and good. Part of her brain tried to tell her that she shouldn’t be drinking this much, that she already had had a few glasses of wine with Anya and that she was close to getting drunk, but then she looked at Clarke, dancing with this random guy.

She hated that guy, she knew it wasn’t fair, he was probably very nice, but she hated him with a passion. Why did he get to dance with Clarke? Why did Clarke move like that? Why did he put his hands on Clarke’s waist?!? Her heart stuttered, she felt a surge of anger rushing up. She drained her glass and hopped up from the barstool, but before she could go there she was stopped. She looked around, looking to what had grabbed her hand, only to see it was Raven.

“Raven, let go.” She demanded, trying to tug her hand from Raven’s grip.

“I don’t think so, Cinnabon. Let Clarke have her fun for a bit, she is just dancing.”

“But he is putting her filthy paws on her!” She complained as she sat back down.

“Look at Clarke, Lexa. Does she look uncomfortable?”

“No,” Lexa said sullenly, putting her arms on the bar and resting her chin on top of it. “Why isn’t she?”

“What? Uncomfortable?” Raven laughed as she grabbed two shot glasses filling them with a liquid. “She is just having fun, Lex. It’s her first night out in god knows how long. Finn didn’t really like her going out, and she definitely was not allowed to dance.”

“What an asshole.” Lexa muttered.

“Exactly,” Raven said pointedly. “which is why you need to let her have her fun. You don’t have to worry about her, Clarke is as loyal as they come. Besides you and I need to have a celebratory drink.”

“What are we celebrating?”

“I don’t know, Clarke’s exhibition, you nailing Clarke within days of meeting her, Clarke’s pregnancy?”

“Clarke isn’t pregnant, Raven! And I did not ‘nail’ her.” Lexa tried to sound as disdainful as she could, but just the words made all kinds of pictures form in her mind that made her squirm slightly. And Raven, being the obnoxiously observant roommate that she was, was laughing.

“Oh boy, Clarke was not wrong.”

This drew Lexa’s attention. “What are you talking about? What wasn’t she wrong about?”

“Oh boy,” Raven looked a little uncomfortable. “is there any chance you could forget I said that?” At the shake of Lexa’s head, she sighed and laughed. “I figured. Alright I’ll tell you, but first we drink.” She handed Lexa her shot.

“What is this?” Lexa peered at the glass suspiciously. “It has bits in it!” She stared at the clear liquid, seeing gold flakes on the bottom.

“It’s goldstrike! Or goldschlager, whichever name you prefer. It has actual gold in it, how awesome is that?”

“Okay that is pretty amazing, why are we drinking this?”

“Duh,” Raven exclaimed “it’s cinnamon schnapps. This has to be your drink. Salut!” Raven raised her glass, tapped it on the table and then threw it back. Lexa copied her behaviour, but as she tried to breathe afterwards she could feel the alcohol burn in her longs and she started coughing.

“Dear god, how strong is this?”

“You can call me Raven, no need to be all formal like that.” Raven snorted at her own joke. “And you know, it’s 50%.”

“50%? Are you trying to poison me?!?”

Raven laughed. “Calm down, Cinnabon, you liked it, admit it.”

“Fine, it wasn’t too bad, but you could have warned me, I thought I was going to die when I took that first breath.”

“Oh I know, that’s the fun of it.” Raven grinned.

“Okay we drank, now tell me what Clarke was right about. That drink didn’t make me forget.”

Raven laughed. “Fine, she just asked me to make sure all your cocktails were vodka based because according to her that is your aphrodisiac, or as she said it ‘it’s like damn sex juice to that girl, Rave!’ and she was right.” Raven poked her roommate. “I have seen your face.”

Lexa was about to reply something indignantly when she saw a frown on Raven’s face. She turned around only to see the guy trying to kiss Clarke while she was trying to push him away, but his grip on her arms was too strong.

Before Raven had a chance to react Lexa had jumped up from her seat again. She was seeing red as she stomped over there. Who did that ape think he was, daring to put his filthy, disgusting lips on Clarke?

“Hey!” She tapped the guy hard on his shoulder. “She doesn’t want you kissing her.”

The guy turned around, irritated. “Go away, crazy stalker, me and the lady are just having some fun.”

“Actually we’re not, I want you to let go of me.” Clarke piped up as she tried to yank her arms from his grip.

“Aw, sugar, don’t be like that.” The guy pulled Clarke closer to him again, trying to press his lips on her, but before he could Lexa had grabbed his ear and was pulling on it, hard.

“This lovely lady told you to let go, you Neanderthal. Are you deaf?” She dragged the guy away from Clarke as he was whining pitifully, trying to swat Lexa. Lexa didn’t care though, she simply took him outside, throwing him on the sidewalk and marched back in.

The guy got up, trying to chase after her in a rage, but the bouncer barred the way. Raven had already informed him that this guy was not to be let in again.

Lexa, who was blissfully unaware of this interaction just walked back in, her eyes immediately searching for Clarke. She found her at the bar with Raven’s arms wrapped around her. Lexa rushed to her side.

As soon as both girls saw her come they smiled; Raven’s was wide and she actually fist pumped. “You’re amazing Cinnabon! Or should I say commander Cinnabon? I don’t know, but you’re a fucking badass.” Lexa smiled and nodded, but her eyes didn’t leave Clarke’s, because though the girl smiled, her eyes were very watery.

“Are you okay?” Lexa asked as her eyes searched Clarke’s face and then her arms to assess if there was any lasting damage.

“I’m fine,” Clarke sniffled once. “Guys are such jerks.”

“They sure are, I have no idea what you see in them.” Lexa smiled, trying to get some humour in the situation.

It worked though, because Clarke laughed, “Me neither, especially since I have a badass like you.”

Lexa was embarrassed to admit that Clarke saying she had her was thrilling to no end. She leaned in slightly, resting a hand on Clarke’s waist. “You have me?”

“I’m pretty sure I do, after all you did come to save me, your damsel in distress.” Clarke twirled a lock of hair around her finger.

“You sure that wasn’t just the sex juice talking?” Lexa raised an eyebrow teasingly. She chuckled when she saw Clarke’s face filled with shock, mouth popped open in a small o.

“You know about that?” Clarke’s voice sounded very breathy, and Lexa was finding it incredibly arousing.

“I sure do, trying to get me drunk. Tsk tsk” Lexa shook her head, grinning. “How very naughty of you miss Griffin.” She had no idea where this side of her was coming from, well part of it was the alcohol, and the adrenalin, but the biggest part was Clarke; apparently the three of them was a heady combination, better than any drug induced high she had ever had.

“Yeah?” By now she was sure Clarke was making her voice this breathy on purpose, because fuck. “Then what are you going to do about it?” Lexa shivered as she felt Clarke’s breath fan her ear.

“This.” Lexa simply grabbed Clarke’s arms, pushing the girl backwards into a corner and kissing her hungrily. Though the roles were reversed this time the effect on both girls was exactly the same. Before it could get too hot and heavy though, they got doused in cold water. They both jumped, startled and let out a scream.

“Sorry ladies, you know the rules.” Raven pointed to a sign that read -If you want to do more than make out, the take it out(side).- “When it gets too hot, we cool you down.”

“Raven! Now we’re soaked.”

“Yup, sorry not sorry. Besides it’s late, I’m about to close anyway. If you guys wait like 15 minutes we can all go home.”

“Fine.” Clarke huffed, Lexa wrapped her arms around her, rubbing her arms to try and get her warm.

“I have an idea!” Clarke’s face brightened as the idea popped up in her head. “We should dance to get warm.”

“I don’t know Clarke, I don’t really dance.” Lexa was not too keen on this idea, she felt like she had been pretty cool this evening, and if Clarke saw her dance, all her credit would go down the drain.

“Come on, Lexa, please?” Clarke put her face in the most seductive pout she could, wrapping her arms around Lexa’s neck and gently tugging on her hair. “I bet you’re great, and even if you’re not, that’s fine. I’m not either, we’ll be two spazzes on the dancefloor, no one is around. It’ll be fun.”

“Clarke, I have seen you dance with douche canoe. You’re a literal goddess.”

Clarke grinned. “And who can say no to a goddess?” She asked as she pulled on Lexa’s hand, heading to the dancefloor.

Lexa followed, her stomach dropping slightly, but the gods were kind to her, or more likely Raven, because the song had turned into a mellow song. So she wrapped her arms around Clarke’s waist, pulling her to her. She tucked her hands in Clarke’s back pockets and gave it a gentle squeeze as Clarke wrapped her arms around her neck again. They swayed slightly to the music, simply staring into each other’s eyes.

Lexa wasn’t sure what was happening exactly, she was hardly even aware of where she was, all she knew for sure was that she had Clarke in her arms, and Clarke seemed to look at her with the same kind of amazement as her.

“Clarke, I…” She felt like she should say something, but she didn’t know what. Everything that came to mind seemed either, stupid, corny or way too much way too soon. She needed to pace herself. For Clarke’s sake, and for her own. She wasn’t ready to admit she was in love. Shit, did thinking that you didn’t want to admit that mean that you actually already sort of admitted it? Oh boy, what was happening? This was moving way too fast.

But before she could freak out too much all her thought processes were halted when Clarke pressed her lips to hers very gently. “Stop thinking so much.” Clarke smiled, gently scratching the soft, curled hairs on the nape of Lexa’s neck.

Lexa had no idea how, but she could actually feel herself relax. “Okay.” She agreed and to her amazement it worked.

After what could have been two minutes, or thirty, both girls were blinded by the lights, only to realise the music was off already.

“Come on, you love birds. It’s time to go home. We’ve got a cab waiting for us.” Raven was already in her coat at the door.

“Alright, we’re coming.” Clarke disentangled from Lexa and skipped towards Raven. As soon as their contact broke so did Lexa’s calm. She could feel all her panicked thoughts rushing back to her. When Clarke turned around and made the come hither look with her hand she barely managed to give a tight-lipped smile and walk towards the two girls. Neither of who seemed to notice. Clarke was too much on cloud nine and Raven just wanted to go home.

Clarke slipped her hand in Lexa’s as they headed out; though it did make Lexa feel a little better it wasn’t enough. Clarke and Lexa were talking about how amazing it was that Sinclair always arranged cab for his staff and Lexa wasn’t really needed in this conversation, the two girls were best friends after all, they could talk for hours on end probably. Though Lexa was relieved that she didn’t have to pay attention, part of her knew this wasn’t good. She was freaking out big time, she was turning inward more and more, focussed on all the horrible thoughts she had been managing to keep at bay for the last few hours.

She only returned to the surface when she heard Raven tell the cabbie their address, and only theirs. No, Clarke couldn’t stay with them, absolutely not. Part of Lexa desperately wanted it, and for a second she dreamily imagined the scene, Clarke in her bed, the covers wrapped around her beautiful body, looking at her with sleepy, hooded eyes as Lexa brushed through the blonde’s hair with her fingers. But then imaginary Lexa opened her stupid mouth and said “I love you.” And poor imaginary Clarke just stared at her in absolute shock. Lexa could feel embarrassment wash over her as if she had actually already said it. No, this was not going to happen. Lexa was not going to screw this up, by being a stupid, needy idiot. No one said I love you after only knowing each other for a week, besides Lexa didn’t love Clarke, that thought was laughable. She had to do something now.

“Shouldn’t we drop off Clarke first, before we go home?” She asked Raven. Both girls stared at her in shock, and then Raven just looked awkward, and Clarke turned away looking embarrassed.

“Right….” Raven said with an awkward cough, before she gave the cabbie Clarke’s address as well.

Lexa felt horrible, she knew she made Clarke feel bad, she didn’t want that, but she decided this was the lesser of two evils. She could either make Clarke feel a little embarrassed now, while she totally didn’t need to, because Lexa wanted nothing more than to have this angel in bed with her, or she could actually allow Clarke in her bed and make a complete fool of herself. She did want to comfort Clarke though so she laced their fingers together. Instead of feeling comfort though Clarke flinched, pulling her hand away from Lexa, grabbing her phone and showing Raven some pictures in an attempt to cover it up.

They arrived at Clarke’s home too soon, Lexa was starting to panic, she hadn’t found a way yet to make sure Clarke and her were okay. Couldn’t they have driven around a little longer? She was sure her frantic brain would have come up with something at some point. She got out of the car so Clarke could get out as well. It took a minute or so for Raven and Clarke to say goodbye to each other. When Clarke got out, she turned to Lexa and just muttered a deflated “bye” and turned around.

“Clarke, wait.” Lexa grabbed her hand, pulling her to a halt. She didn’t really know what to say, but they couldn’t leave it like this.

“What, Lexa?” Clarke looked at her sadly. “Can you please let go. I am tired and I just want to go to bed.”

“No goodbye kiss?” Lexa had opted for humour again, but knew it had definitely ben the wrong gamble when she saw Clarke’s face.

“No, Lexa, surprisingly enough getting the cold shoulder after what I thought was one of the best days of my life is a bit of a turn off for me, weird right?”

The bitter remark made Lexa want to flinch, but she couldn’t help but repeat “One of the best days of your life?”

“Yes.” Clarke scowled, pulling on her hand, but Lexa refused to let go.

“I didn’t reject you.” Lexa told her.

“You sure? Because it sure felt like rejection to me.”

“I didn’t, I just…” For a second Lexa considered telling Clarke the real reason, why she was so scared. But that would have been the same of just confessing and that wasn’t smart. These fears, these feelings, they needed to be reined in, put somewhere deep inside her, where they couldn’t hurt anyone. It was just too soon.

“I just figured, you’d want to be home since it’s closer to the hospital, and you could have breakfast with your mom in the morning. I mean we don’t even have anything edible n our apartment besides some ramen noodles, and that’s hardly enough sustenance when you have and a doctor’s appointment and an important meeting with Polis, right?”

Lexa was amazed at the ease with which she spun this lie. Sure it wasn’t the best one, but considering her stress levels she was pretty impressed, plus Clarke seemed to buy it. She rolled her eyes, but grinned.

“Aww, babe, you take such good care of me.”

Lexa could feel her face heat up, and her stomach clench deliciously when Clarke called her babe, she stared dreamily at the girl, until she got nudged while Clarke laughed. “Are you listening to what I’m saying.”

“I’m sorry, I got distracted when you called me babe. I mean…” Lexa put her hands over her face. What was with Clarke that she affected her brain-to-mouth-filter this much. But she didn’t have long to worry because Clarke had her arms wrapped around her and was slightly squealing.

“You’re the most adorable thing ever! But” She pulled Lexa’s hands from her face, making sure she was looking at her before continuing. “next time you do something, or think of something talk to me. Communication, Lexyloo, communication is key. Okay?”

Lexa just nodded. “Okay.”

Clarke seemed mollified and turned around. “You’ll pick me up tomorrow at nine?”

“I’ll be here.” Lexa promised, waiting for Clarke to be safely inside, before sliding back in the cab.

She had barely sat down before she got a smack in the ribs, she doubled over, gasping in pain. “Fuck, Raven OW! My ribs are broken, remember?”

“Oh trust me, I didn’t forget. I figured I’d need something to get your head out of your ass.”

“What, why? You mean with Clarke?” Lexa started laughing awkwardly. “That was just a misunderstanding.

“Yeah I heard.” Raven nodded, but she kept glaring. “Only I am not as drunk as both of you are, so I can tell that you are lying. I don’t know what the real reason is, but if you hurt her, we are going to have problems, you and me. Because that girl right there is the kindest, sweetest soul to walk this earth and she is crazy about you.”

Lexa scoffed slightly, and Raven just rolled her eyes. “Fine don’t believe me, but you are a fucking idiot, Cinnabon.” And those were the last words they spoke that night except wishing each other goodnight after they brushed their teeth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always let me know what you think, feedback is enormously appreciated.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know! I promise this is the last time you will be getting a chapter 14 update. I don't know what exactly happened with the last update, but all of a sudden it was gone again.  
> This is the improved version of chapter 14 because after considering the feedback I had gotten adn rereading it again, decided I wanted it to go different. I hope this way Lexa's thoughts and feelings are better expressed without being intentionally hurtful.

Lexa woke up with a gasp, drenched in sweat. She felt like she couldn’t breathe, trying desperately to untangle herself from her sheets. Her heart was beating violently in her chest, so she tried the breathing and grounding exercises that Miller had been teaching her. Though they calmed her heart and breathing it did nothing for the giant hole that sat in her chest. It had been there since that night she had gone celebrating with Clarke and Raven. Well, it had been there long before that, almost three years now to the day. It had scarred over though, until that day, it had reopened and with that the nightmares had come back in full force.

She looked at her alarm clock, it read 03:24 and sighed. She had hoped it had been a few hours later, because she knew she wasn’t going to fall back to sleep. The problem with the nightmares going back to their full intensity is that it now not only housed Costia, but also Clarke and that made them so much worse. It had caused Lexa to be scared to go to bed, fearing what might happen in her sleep; and when she did have a nightmare she couldn’t go back to sleep afterward, too scared the dream would continue.

So with a sign she resigned herself to getting up, deciding on a shower, knowing those always calmed her down further, plus she could let her tears fall without the fear of Raven bursting in. The first few nights Raven had been there to wake her up from her nightmares, awoken by her loud whimpers and strangled cries. Lexa had asked her to stop coming though. Raven had agreed, but she hadn’t liked it. In the end she had managed to learn to ignore the noises and now she would just sleep through the noises. Part of the reason that Lexa had insisted was that Raven needed her sleep, after all the girl was going through college and working part time. The other part was that Lexa didn’t want anyone to know and that she didn’t want to think about it, let alone talk about it.

Lexa sighed, closing her eyes as she let the warm spray hit her body. She thought back to Miller and her talking about the dreams. She had gotten a panic attack when he had started to explore why the dreams had come back; they hadn’t even discussed what the dreams actually were about because she couldn’t bear to talk about it.

Miller had been drawing parallels between her last night with Costia, where they had also been celebrating, drinking and dancing, and that night with Clarke. That’s when Lexa had stopped being able to breathe; just hearing both their names together, suggesting that the feelings somehow could be the same had freaked her out too much. Miller had noticed and after doing their breathing exercise, they had agreed that for now they would focus on the practical. How could Lexa handle these nightmares so that her daily life wouldn’t be affected as much; since she didn’t seem ready to deal with the content of her dreams yet. She had never been more grateful.

Lexa groaned in frustration. Why did things have to be so complicated? She could hardly imagine that there was a time she had been sure that the thought of Clarke existing made her able to face life. Now the girl still did that, but at the same time it made it unbearable. Whenever she was with Clarke she’d feel lighter, happier. And the short moments that Clarke touched her were the best seconds of her day; it would be like there had never been a hole in her chest to begin with. But the seconds after were always the worst, the hole would rip back open and in those seconds the pain was just as bad as in the nights, only worse because even though she knew it was going to happen the pain still came as a shock.

That night after their celebration she had decided she should end things with Clarke. It would be less painful for both of them. Sure, it would be plenty painful for Lexa, but Clarke would be fine, and Lexa was convinced that continuing the path they were on now would only lead to more heartbreak for both of them. She even had a speech all written out, planning to talk to Clarke after her stitches got removed. However, Lexa hadn’t accounted for the effect Clarke had on her when they were together. Because in those moments Lexa would always find a reason to postpone the moment she knew was inevitably coming.

After a few days filled with anxiety and procrastination Lexa had felt herself forced to revise her plan. Clearly ripping the band aid off quickly wasn’t going to work, maybe it would go better if she did it a little bit at a time. So that’s what she had been doing now. They still did things together, but they were never on Lexa’s initiative, Lexa never texted first, though she would engage if Clarke did. And Lexa would always steer conversation and contact away from anything remotely meaningful. Instead she would opt for activities where they couldn’t talk much. They would go see movies, do physical activities, and if they had to talk Lexa made sure it was about anything but her or Clarke. That last bit had become an added rule. In the beginning it had been Lexa’s strategy to simply counter any questions Clarke had with questions of her own about Clarke, but that had backfired. It had only caused Lexa to find the other girl so much more interesting and captivating, to want to know more about her. So instead she now opted to discuss fandom related subjects; they could argue for hours about in which house Sansa would be had she gone to Hogwarts (Clarke insisting it would be Slytherin, while Lexa was adamant it would be Ravenclaw).

Slowly, but surely over the span of a few weeks Lexa had managed to put on a mask. She was still Lexa, but not the whole Lexa, part of her had been put under lock and key. All her feelings for Clarke were still there, she could feel the hole burn every day, but it wasn’t as bad as it was in the beginning, because she was a different person now. She was the geeky Lexa, the Lexa that loved physical activity. Slowly but surely the distance had grown. Without Lexa initiating contact Lexa had added a sort of aloofness to her arsenal, she didn’t ask how stuff went, didn’t ask to see any of Clarke’s art, and most importantly no more kissing. Initially it had been no more physical contact, but soon enough Lexa had realised that she couldn’t let go of Clarke’s hugs just yet, no more kisses had been hard enough.

She was amazed by how successful it had been. Slowly but surely they had grown a little apart, no one would really notice unless you were extremely observant. Lexa told herself this was healthy, she and Clarke had become much too close much too quickly; she had become too dependent on the other girl. Though part of Lexa was hurting from the distance, another part felt a lot calmer. The distance helped her oversee the consequences of her actions, she would analyse possible reactions for any behaviour before deciding what to do.

Lexa would have felt bad about it all if it hadn’t seemed that Clarke was enjoying every minute of their time together. Clarke didn’t seem in the least bit bothered, as enthusiastic and happy as she had been before. Which reinforced Lexa’s conviction that this was for the best, that her behaviour in that first week had been unhealthy.

The only times when Lexa could feel the negative consequences of her behaviour were at night. The dreams had gotten steadily worse and when she lay awake at night she felt more hole than person. But that was a price she was willing to pay.

She got dressed and lay back down on her bed, thinking of the day ahead. Today would be the hardest day yet, she had been worrying about the exhibit for weeks. Clarke had begged her to come, and she desperately wanted to see it, Clarke had been working on new pieces a lot in the past weeks and she was incredibly curious, she wanted to see the new work, her older work, she wanted to see it all, she wanted to have glimpses into Clarke’s soul. She wanted all of this so desperately, but she also knew that it would be excruciating, to have to force all of those feelings down, to have to see and feel and still choose not to. She had thought of cancelling, but she knew that if she did Clarke would worry about her and come by. And if Clarke found out she was lying she might never forgive her. Though that had been Lexa’s endgame, she wasn’t ready for it yet. One thing was sure, today was going to be a long day.

* * *

 

Clarke was lying on her bed staring up at the ceiling, trying to lose herself in the spiralling galaxy she had made above her bed when she had been in her first year of college. She couldn’t remember the last time she had been this nervous, maybe the final exhibition in college, her graduation project; but then she had known that everyone would love it, after all they had seen her work in various stages before and they knew what her style had been.

But this time Lexa would be there, Lexa would see so many of her pieces for the first time. Lexa had seen a few sketches and doodles in the hospital, but that wasn’t the same; tonight Lexa would be there just to see Clarke’s creations, little pieces of her soul. She felt more comfortable with her older pieces, she knew they were good, and they had all been made before she had even known Lexa. The newer pieces however, Clarke wasn’t sure if people would notice, but they were all inspired by Lexa. The landscape of trees in the distance that formed the iris of an eye, a bright angelic figure in some dark and grim back alley, an extremely detailed sketch of Lexa sleeping that she had started in the hospital, a painting of two elderly ladies sitting on the bench of the bus stop across the hospital.

She felt extremely proud of her work, she hadn’t been this inspired in quite a while, but it was baring her soul for everyone to see, for Lexa to see. She knew this was going to be an important night, for her, but also for them. Of course she had noticed things had been different since she had heard about the exhibition. In the beginning she had worried that Lexa was angry with her for being distracted, that she had to work a lot more on her paintings and they hadn’t been able to hang out as much as they had before. Lexa however seemed extremely cool about it and never pressed her for more than she could give. And it wasn’t as if they hadn’t hung out at all, they had of course. It had just been of a different quality than the intensity of those first few days. But Clarke had been telling herself that those first few days had been special circumstances. That’s how she explained away this feeling in the pit of her stomach that something wasn’t quite right. She was overreacting and she should stop reading this much into things.

Clarke knew she had to get up, she needed to shower and go to the gallery one last time to see if everything was set up right. After that she would come home, have dinner with her mom and her uncle, and after that they would go to the exhibit. If she focussed on just her mom and uncle seeing the exhibit Clarke could feel joy spreading through her chest. They had both always supported her decision to choose art, they had encouraged her in any way they could. Uncle Marcus had always been in her life, but it was after her father had died that she had gotten as close to him as she was today. He had taken care of her and her mom, living with them, making sure they ate, making sure they talked, making sure they had clean clothes to wear. He had done everything for them, while running one of the most popular restaurants in town. Clarke would have believed him a saint if she hadn’t also seen how he was in the kitchen; he was extremely strict and with the amount of passion he had things could get heated.

“They’re about to open the doors, are you ready?”

Clarke looked at her mother and decided to nod instead of speaking because she wasn’t sure any sound would come out.

Abby squeezed her arm. “It’s going to be fine, Clarke. Your art is beautiful, I’m sure you will some stuff tonight.”

Clarke rolled her eyes. “Mom, that’s not what this is about, what do I care if I sell some art. No wait, I didn’t mean it like that.” Clarke added when she saw her mother’s surprise. “I just meant to say that, that’s not why I’m nervous.” She didn’t say anything else, admitting why she was nervous would only make it worse, and her mom wouldn’t understand.

“Oh, I know why you’re nervous,” Abby gave her daughter a knowing grin, before leaning in, “but don’t worry I already talked to Marcus, and he isn’t going to interrogate Lexa, much.”

“What?!?” Just the thought of her uncle grilling Lexa caused an increase in anxiety. “Mom, he can’t!”

Abby laughed, “Clarke, calm down, I was just teasing. I know you’re nervous about Lexa coming and seeing that one sketch of her. Marcus will behave.”

“I will?” That’s when her uncle appeared beside Clarke, wrapping an arm around her shoulder.

“Yes.” Clarke glared up at him. “Or I’ll have mom force-feed you the snacks they have here.”

Marcus gasped, clutching his chest. “You wouldn’t!”

“I would.” Clarke stared him in the eye, trying to be as threatening as possible.

“Alright alright, Clarke, don’t worry. I don’t even know why I wouldn’t behave. Your art is beautiful by the way; I am extremely impressed. I think my favourite might be the sketch you made of the sleeping girl. That’s a new piece, right? I can’t remember seeing it before.”

Clarke’s cheeks started to heat up. “Yeah, it’s new.”

“There is a story there.” Marcus grinned, but before he could continue the owner of the gallery walked over, telling them the doors were going to open and if Clarke would be welcoming the guests.

* * *

 

“Look at all the people that came to see our Clarkie!” Raven was tugging on Lexa’s arm, almost jumping up and down with excitement. It made Lexa smile.

“Yeah, it’s great, she deserves it.” Lexa was happy for Clarke, getting publicity at this event was a great way to start making a name for herself. But Lexa also realised that this many people meant that Clarke would be very busy, and relief flooded her system. Clarke would hardly have time to talk to them, so Lexa could just look at the art, thinking about what it all meant without the worry of Clarke ambushing her into a conversation. Because art, plus Clarke talking about it, that was more than Lexa could handle all at once; she knew she wouldn’t be able to stop herself from engaging, she would drink in every little sliver of information Clarke would be willing to share about herself, and she had to stop herself or she was lost.

Raven tugged on her arm, pulling her inside. “Come on, Cinnabon! I want some of that fancy champagne while we admire all these masterpieces.”

She laughed to herself as she spotted someone with a tray of glasses, quickly grabbing two glasses and heading back to Raven who was waving her over desperately. “Calm down. Raven I’m coming.”

She had just taken a sip and handed Raven her glass when the other girl leaned in close and whispered “that’s what she said,” in her ear, causing Lexa to flush and choke right when a man and woman walked towards them. Raven grinned as she patted her back while she welcomed the man and woman.

“Abby, Marcus, how great to see you here. Have you met my new roommate, Lexa Woods?”

This caused another round of coughing in Lexa and she tried to stomp on Raven’s toes. But before she had a chance Clarke’s mom was talking to her.

“Lexa, it’s great to meet you finally, I have heard so much about you.”

“Yeah?” Lexa cleared her throat, wiping the tears that come into her eyes because of the coughing. “It’s nice to meet you too Mrs. Griffin.” She stretched out her hand to Abby, who took it. “And you, sir?” She turned herself to face the man beside Abby, unsure of who he was and why he was staring at her with the biggest grin. He quickly grabbed her hand though and shook it enthusiastically.

“I’m Clarke’s uncle, Marcus, and I can’t believe you’re here. Is it weird to know that people are here to look at your face?”

“I’m sorry, what?” Lexa had no idea what the man was talking about, she turned her head to look at Raven who shrugged, so she missed the glare that Abby gave her brother him.

“Nothing, never mind.” Marcus muttered. “Oh Abby, I think that Gallery owner wants to talk to us, we should go.”

Lexa stared at the retreating man and woman, wondering what was with that. She turned to Raven.

“That was weird, right?”

Raven shrugged, “a little, I guess. But then again meeting anyone for the first time with you is awkward. But I have to give it to you, this time it wasn’t your doing. But how was it meeting the in-laws for the first time?” Raven wiggled her brows as she grabbed two new glasses of champagne from a tray.

Lexa simply glared at her, emptied her current glass and after that emptying the second. She gritted her teeth as she mumbled to herself “Let’s get this over with.”

Lexa had expected to love what Clarke had made, the few things she had seen she had thought were pretty good, and all the photos Clarke had shown her as well, but seeing it in person was a completely different experience. She loved every single painting she had seen so far, enjoying the stories Raven told her about stuff that had went wrong during the creation process.

She had seen glimpses of Clarke as she talked to people, walking around the gallery, however Lexa was sure that she hadn’t noticed them yet, there were just too many people. She was relieved though, the longer it took the better, or at least so she thought, until they had come to the final series of paintings, if Clarke would come to talk to her now she was sure she couldn’t hold back. As soon as Lexa saw the first one she felt a connection, she couldn’t explain why she had no idea what the painting meant, but she wished she could be in the woods Clarke was showing them. The next one made her feel an intense sadness, the angel standing in the rain, Lexa could almost feel herself standing there inside the painting. She could slowly feel her breathing starting to get a little more laboured. What was going on? Art never affected her as much as this.

“Look at this one!” Raven called, grabbing her arm and pulling Lexa away from the sad painting. “This must be one of the new ones, look at how happy it is.” Raven grinned and Lexa had to smile as well, how could she not? The two ladies looked like the best of friends sitting, waiting on their bus. Lexa thought it looked so familiar somehow, but she shrugged it off. She had been feeling that way for the last few paintings, she must be getting used to Clarke’s style, there was no other explanation.

“Oh my god!”

“What?” But before Raven could answer Lexa had turned around and was confronted with her own sleeping form, sketched on a huge canvas. It was done with so much precision, and so much care. Lexa felt like she could feel every pencil stroke on her skin. She walked towards the canvas, only just able to stop herself from touching it. On the one hand she loved this painting, the care and time that had gone into it, dare she think it the love, on the other hand it was far too much, it was too intimate, Clarke would have had to study her far to close.

“Oh my god!!”

“What now Raven?” Lexa started to get irritated with her roommate and her oh my gods, couldn’t she see that Lexa was having a moment here. But then she saw what Raven saw and she felt sick. There was Finn, hugging Clarke against him. What was he doing here? Were they back together? Why hadn’t Clarke said anything about it? Why hadn’t Lexa been asking about it? Why had she insisted that they needed more space? Would Clarke really go back to that asshole? She thought not, but if she was honest she knew she had been to obsessed with her own feelings to be sure of Clarke’s. After all girls went back to their abusive partners, her father had been living proof of that.

The warring thoughts constricted Lexa’s throat, she had to get out of here. She didn’t know how to deal with this, she wasn’t equipped to deal with any of this. She managed to mumble an apology to Raven before rushing outside, texting Anya to come and get her.

“I see the shadow of a tree on a brick wall, I see a leaf on the sidewalk.” She slowly took another breath, and slowly breathed out again, only to be startled by another voice.

“I see a beautiful girl having a panic attack.”

“Clarke,” Seeing the other girl caused new waves of anxiety, she shouldn’t be here, she should enjoy all the attention, she shouldn’t be here with her. But then she would be with Finn, Lexa didn’t know what she was supposed to do, think or say. “Go back inside, I’m fine, Anya’s picking me up.” She managed to gasp.

“You’re leaving already?” The disappointment in Clarke’s voice was obvious, it caused Lexa to cringe slightly.

“Yes.” Lexa cupped her hands over her mouth trying to calm her breathing the way Clarke had done in the hospital. Slowly but surely it worked, though it could also be the feeling of the girl that sat down next to her.

“Were you even going to say goodbye?”

Lexa couldn’t bear to look at Clarke, “of course,” she tried to sound as indignant as possible, but they both knew she was lying. She wouldn’t have said anything.

Clarke sighed, “No you weren’t, it’s okay. I shouldn’t have asked; I wouldn’t want to go back into a big crowd after a panic attack either. Was it all the people?”

“No,” Lexa closed her eyes, what was she doing? Clarke had given her the perfect out, but she hadn’t taken it. Was she really going to talk about this? No, she decided, if she was going to talk about Finn she knew all the other feelings would follow.

“No?” Clarke sounded surprised, “then what was it?”

Lexa could feel her eyes starting to water, the urge to simply bare her soul to the blonde girl; she could only barely control herself. Her voice sounded a little hoarse. “Your paintings, they’re very interesting, I liked them.”

“Yeah?” Clarke sounded surprised at the change of topic, but pleased nonetheless. “You usually don’t seem so interested in my art, I’m glad you liked them.”

Lexa felt guilty immediately, knowing that Clarke had been far more observant than she had given her credit for. “I’m interested,” she admitted “I’m just never sure what to say, I am not an artist, or even know a lot about art.”

Clarke laughed, nudging Lexa’s shoulder gently, “You don’t have to be an art critic, Lexa. You can say whatever you want about art, whatever it makes you feel, that’s the beauty.”

“Oh okay,” Lexa swallowed thickly, she didn’t seem able to stop herself from engaging. She could tell Clarke she liked the last paintings, right? That was just an opinion, no deep emotions attached. “I thought the paintings on the back wall were really beautiful.”

Clarke grinned so widely, Lexa had to answer that grin with a smile of her own. I’m so glad you liked them. You have no idea how nervous I was for you to see them, to be honest I have never been so scared for someone to see my art in my entire life. I was almost convinced you’d find them ugly, or maybe even worse that you wouldn’t care, that you wouldn’t even remember them.” Clarke started laughing, and hugging Lexa.

Lexa just stared at the girl, the vast amount of words that came out of Clarke in such a short amount of time was a little overwhelming, she wasn’t quite sure how to respond. “Uhm,”

“You were my inspiration you know, my muse.” Clarke said it so happily and cheerful that Lexa at first thought she had heard it wrong.

“What?”

“I said you inspired me for those paintings. It was when I was working on that sketch that is hanging in there as well, did you see it? Anyway then all these other paintings came to me as well. What’s wrong?”

Lexa had gone deadly pale, she couldn’t believe what Clarke was saying, her anxiety spiked. She could remember Clarke telling her one time that there had only been a few people in her life that had ever inspired a painting, usually it was pictures of nature, or random pictures she took, moment son the street in the life of other people. But the few paintings she had made with the help of other people had been her masterpieces, there was the one she had made after her father’s death, one of her mom, and one when she was younger that was about her friendship with Raven. Three paintings, and now Clarke was telling her that Lexa had inspired four paintings in the few weeks they had known each other. The elation Lexa had felt at that, had told her that coming here and interacting with Clarke had been a mistake. How could Clarke do this? Tell her this, but not tell her about Finn. Didn’t she see the kind of expectations she was raising with Lexa? Apart from the fact that Lexa was convinced she shouldn’t engage in what was going on between her and Clarke. She had thought she could do this, but she clearly couldn’t. If she continued now she would only get hurt.

“I have to go.”

“What? No, Lexa wait.” Clarke had gotten up and taken a hold of Lexa’s hand.

“Let go, please!” Clarke flinched slightly at Lexa’s the desperation voice, but she refused to let go.

“No, Lexa, come on, talk to me. Something is wrong. You think I can’t tell that you have been pulling away for weeks? I’m sorry I haven’t been able to give you as much attention as at first, but now that the exhibit is over I have more free time.”

“That’s not what this is about, Clarke, you know that.”

 “I do,” Clarke sounded frustrated, “but you won’t talk to me, so what am I supposed to think?”

“Maybe I don’t want to talk to you.”

“Is that the case?”

“Yes!”

Lexa knew she was being extremely destructive, and as soon as she saw the tears forming in Clarke’s eyes she regretted ever saying it at all. This is what she had always been scared of, that something would happen and that Clarke would see her for the horrible excuse of a human being she really was.

“Clarke, I’m sorry, that wasn’t true, I love talking to you.” But Clarke had dropped Lexa’s hand, wrapping her arms around herself.

“Screw you, Lexa.” Clarke managed to sound angry, but Lexa could see it was all just a front, just like it was with her. Clarke was already turned around and walking away.

“Clarke, wait!” Lexa chased after her, taking a hold of the other girl, only to discover that the other girl was crying. “Clarke,” Lexa’s voice was almost a whisper. The amount of pain that was ripping through her chest was unbelievable. She had been so scared of accepting her feelings for Clarke, convincing herself that chasing the other away would be less painful, but she knew she was wrong. The pain she felt right now, because she had hurt Clarke was too much to bear.

“Why do you always think the worst of me?” Clarke was leaning against Lexa, her own arms still wrapped around her torso, but her face resting against Lexa’s collar bone. “I didn’t ask Finn here, but I did ask you. You know what it means for someone to be my muse. What do I have to do?”

“I don’t know.” It was the truth, Lexa felt tears streaming down her face. “I just get scared.”

Clarke pulled away, shaking her head, wiping her eyes. “That’s not good enough.”

“I know, it’s just” _Say it!_ Lexa was trying to command it _tell her how scared you are of losing her, that you don’t want another Costia, that you know it’s too fast but that you love her, tell her how important she is._ But instead of all that Lexa chose the coward’s way out again “that’s all I can give right now.”

“Then we’re done.” Both girls were crying earnestly now.

“Clarke,” The edge of desperation in Lexa’s voice was clear to both of them, but at the same time Lexa knew this might be the right thing to do. She could feel how much this was going to hurt her, but if she looked back on how much she had hurt Clarke in the past minutes in order to keep herself safe, respecting Clarke’s wishes was probably the best thing she could do. “You’re right, I’m sorry.”

Clarke shook her head. “I know you have had a hard life, and I know I probably don’t now even half of it, and I know how important those timers are to you.” Clarke pulled the strap of her dress to the side, showing Lexa the zero on her collar bone. Lexa wanted nothing more than to touch it, but she controlled herself, that would not be helpful. “But I am more than this damn timer, Lexa. I am a person, and you refuse to talk to me about anything important. I know you think you protect yourself that way, and maybe you do, but you’re hurting me.”

Lexa swallowed, “I’m sorry, I know that’s not good enough, but I really _am_ sorry. I’d better talk to Miller about it I guess.” Lexa tried to make a slight joke, but even to her own ears it fell flat.

“That is actually a good idea, I think you should.”

“You do?” Clarke nodded. “Okay then I will.”

Clarke pulled away for the last time, and with a flat “bye” she turned around and walked back inside, leaving Lexa on the sidewalk, where Anya found her, still standing in the same place, a few minutes later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always please let me know what you think, I am always curious to knw what you think, but after this chapter especially.
> 
> Also let me know what you think Sansa's house sorting would be.


	15. Chapter 15

“Lexa, Lexa, come on, open the door.”

Lexa groaned, putting a pillow over her face. “Go away, Raven.”

“It’s been three days; I’m coming in.”

“No!” Lexa would have jumped up and stopped her if she could have found the energy to do so.

“For fuck’s sake, Lexa it smells like something died in here, I’m opening up a window and you are going to take a shower. You have work in a few hours.”

“I’m not going, I’m sick.”

“No you’re not. And you _are_ going, I am going to drop you off after we go to your appointment at the hospital.”

This got Lexa’s attention, how did Raven know about her appointment with Miller? “I’m not going Raven, to work or to the hospital. Stop telling me what to do.”

Raven sighed, sitting down on the edge of the bed, gently pulling the covers off of Lexa so she could see her. “Lexa, I’m trying to help. Oh my god, are you seriously still wearing the dress from D-night?”

“D-night?”

“It’s the codename Anya and I have for your fight with Clarke, it stands for Disaster night. What was it even about.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Lexa turned around, pulling the covers back over herself.

“I don’t give a fuck, Lexa.” Raven pulled the covers off of her. “You have to stop feeling sorry for yourself. Yes, it sucks, but you’re not the victim here, and I am not going to let you behave like one. I am not blaming you, but I told you a few weeks ago we were going to have problems. You need to get your shit together, I don’t know what your problems are, but you need to get your shit together.”

Lexa glared at Raven, she knew the girl was right though, she shouldn’t be sitting here feeling sorry for herself. The conversation she had had with Clarke had made one thing painfully clear to Lexa. She was scared of getting hurt if she and Clarke would get together, but not being with Clarke hurt far more. She missed the girl, she missed their talks, she missed who she was when she was with her.

When she came out of the shower and got dressed she headed out into the kitchen she actually felt a little better, especially when Raven offered her some toast. ”Thanks, Raven, I guess I needed a swift kick to the behind.”

Raven snorted. “No kidding, you’re lucky I actually like you, or you would have been tossed out to the streets.”

Lexa simply nodded, not knowing what to say. After a while she remembered she wanted to ask Raven something. “Raven how did you know about my doctor’s appointment?”

“Uh, well you told me?”

“No, I didn’t.”

“Fine, Anya told me.”

“Raven, Anya doesn’t know I still go to see a psychiatrist.”

“Wait you’re getting your head shrunk?” Raven stared at her with shock.

“Uh yes? You knew that, you told me I had to go earlier, remember?”

“No, all Clarke told me was that you had an important doctor’s appointment and if I wanted to make sure you went.”

Lexa felt herself freeze at this information, Clarke remembered her appointment with Miller. It made her want to smile, but it also made her feel ashamed. Even now Clarke still tried to take care of her, but instead of working on her issues Lexa had chosen to lie in her bed for three days.

“Shit, can we pretend you never heard that? Clarke made me promise I wouldn’t tell. Fuck, fuck, fuck.”

“Of course, Raven. It’s not like Clarke and I are talking right now anyway. Plus, she doesn’t know everything that goes on around here.”

“Well…”

“What do you mean well?”

“She wanted to make sure you were okay of course, you idiot. She cares about you; how often do I have to tell you that to get through that ridiculously thick skull of yours?”

“Good morning, Lexa.”

Lexa nodded, she felt like if she would open her mouth she’d throw up. She wanted to talk to Miller about it, but at the same time she was incredibly scared. She hadn’t talked about any of this in a long time. She had just pushed it away.

“Is there anything you wanted to talk to me about today, Lexa?”

Lexa felt comforted by the question, it was how Miller started every session. _See this is just like any other session._ So Lexa nodded again, opening her mouth, but she couldn’t get the words out. Miller waited patiently, but when after a minute of silence it was obvious that Lexa wasn’t going to succeed, he intervened.

“How about we do some grounding exercises first. And then we’re going to do some association exercises. And then after that maybe you’re comfortable enough maybe we can talk about it.”

“No,” Lexa shook her head, gritting her teeth. “I want to talk about it now, if I wait, it’ll only get worse. I’ve been waiting for far too long.” Lexa could feel tears starting to form.

“Okay, then start.” Miller gave her a kind smile and leaned back in his chair.

* * *

           _30-03-2015_

_Dear Clarke,_

_I took your advice and talked to Miller about everything, well not everything, but about some things. He advised me to write a letter to you, where I tell you what's on my mind. I don't have to send it, for now it's just an exercise to see what my thoughts are, but I hope I will. Because I want to explain why I have been acting the way I did, and I can't seem to be able to in real life conversation. I know that sounds weird, because we have talked a lot about a lot of different stuff, but there is so much more I want to tell you, and so much more I would want to ask you, but when the moment presents itself I get scared I am not expecting you to read it, but I hope you will._

_I want to explain what happened, but I can't. All I know is that being around you feels like the best thing and the worst thing at the same time. It's the best thing, because in those moments I feel so happy, and I think I might even be hopeful, but at the same time it's so hard, because I get so scared, this kind of paralysing fear of how much it would hurt if something were to happen to you or to us. And I have been never one to handle negative emotions particularly well, which I have already proven to you._

_The first thing that is important to know is that like I said I talked to Miller about it. What happened at D-night (Raven’s title, not mine), opened my eyes that something had to change, not immediately I will be honest about that. In the beginning I felt incredibly sad and I had no idea what to do or how I could fix it, but Raven reminded me that I had the power to change things, that I only needed to try. So I did that. I talked a little bit about my anxiety and my thoughts. Miller was glad I told him I think, but he also realised the problem might be a lot bigger than he initially had thought. However instead of giving up he offered me a spot at the treatment centre he works at when he is not at the hospital. He says it’s a place where they help people with my kind of problems. Apparently there are more people like me, people who have had bad things happen to them and got scared of life, more focused on ways to control their feelings than actually living their lives. I’m really scared to go, but I think it’s the right choice._

_So that’s it for what I am doing now. I promised I would tell you more about me, and I am going to try. I guess I will start with telling you a bit about my past. I am not talking about this because I want you to feel sorry for me, not at all. I just want to give us both some perspective about why I think the way I do. So let's start with my childhood, how cliché is that?_

_For the longest time I thought my childhood was okay. Sure we had our problems at home, but didn't every family? I figured they did, but that it wasn't talked about, because you weren't supposed to. My mother and father fought a lot, screaming, and my mom would throw stuff at my dad and smack him. It was horrible, but like I said for the longest time I thought it was normal. I actually felt sorry for her, because my dad always used to say that she did it out of weakness, that she wasn't strong enough to hold in that emotion, that she cared too much and that's why she hurt people. I'm not trying to blame my dad for anything, but I think that that's where it started, the idea that caring for people, feeling emotion is weakness. I tried to be as rational as I could. You can imagine I didn't have a lot of friends, and for the most part I didn't mind, but it would get lonely. I had Anya of course and eventually I would get one friend, Costia. I don't know if I ever told you about her, maybe I will another time if you want._

_Anyway long story short, my dad moved out with me and Anya, but in the end he couldn't completely let go of our mom, they kept getting back together. I used to get so angry about that, about how weak he was. He had said he was stronger than mom but he cared for her too much, so much he couldn't be strong for his children. Anya had always had more compassion, but when I hit puberty and it had become clear that things weren't going to change Anya took me away, she had gotten into a community college nearby and she became my parent basically, even more than she had already been before. She did the best she could, and it was more than anyone could have hoped for or expected. But in the end the fact remains that an 18-year old shouldn’t have to take care of her 12-year old sister._

_Okay, I’m going to stop now, I have sprung a lot of information on you, (and on myself because I don’t usually think about this a whole lot). I would love to know more about you. I know that might not have seemed the case before, because I didn’t ask a whole lot except for the nerdy stuff. And I love to know about the nerdy stuff too of course, but I also want to know the other stuff. I am not going to ask them right now though, because I don’t want you to feel obligated to write back. If you do write back and say it’s okay, then I will._

_For now, all I am hoping for is that you’d be okay with exchanging letters with me, so we get to know each other, after all communication is key right? ;) No, but I really hope you do, but like I said before, don’t feel obligated to. If you want a break, or if you don’t want to see me at all then I could totally understand that as well._

_The very last thing I want to ask you, and I know I don’t need to, but just to be sure. Please don’t let other people read this? I’m not saying you can’t talk about it at all, but it’s really hard for me for people to know this stuff._

_Take care,_

_Lexa_

* * *

 

_20-04-2015_

_Dear Lexa,  
I read your letter, I wasn’t going to because I was still too angry, but since I couldn’t throw it out Raven told me I should read it, and I'm glad I did. Let me start by assuring that I would never let anyone else read these letters. And by saying I'm so proud of you for choosing to open up and to get help, that's a big step. And thank you for sharing part of your past with me, I know how hard that is for you, so thank you for trusting me._

_I have to be honest and tell you that I was incredibly upset and hurt, and still am. I still don’t understand why you freaked out on me on opening night. I know you say you can’t explain it, but could you try?_

_I do want to talk to you, and maybe for now writing is the best form for that. For you, because it gives you the time to think about what you want to say, and for me because I think it’s good if we keep some distance._

_You have to understand that the way you clung to the timer on your wrist, that’s how I detested the idea. For so long I was convinced that having a timer was nothing positive. I felt threatened in my relationship with Finn, and in who I was as a person, like now that I had a timer I was someone else, who I did not recognise. Then I met you and felt an instant connection, that I tried to ignore in the beginning, because of lots of different reasons. But that first night I already couldn’t stop thinking about you, even if I didn’t know why. In the end I couldn’t ignore it, and neither could you or so I thought, but now I think you might have been trying to all along. ~~~~_

Clarke let out a frustrated sigh, scratching out the final part before bunching her hands into fists and pressing them against her eyes. What was she doing? She had said she needed distance and within seconds she was pouring herself into this letter. She wasn’t going to just offer her heart up on a plate, not again. She knew Lexa was sorry, that she was trying, and she was so happy for her that she had chosen to accept help, to get therapy. But it wasn’t enough, it didn’t take away how much that night had hurt. Clarke could feel tears starting to gather when she thought back to that night.

“Clarke?” Clarke heard her mother call out, but she couldn’t stop and talk to her, she rushed past her and hid in the toilet. She doubled over and started crying in earnest, everything heart, her chest, her throat, her head, but most of all her heart. It felt like Lexa had grabbed her heart and stomped on it. She knew Lexa was troubled, she knew she had suffered more than she could imagine probably, but still Clarke didn’t understand. She had opened herself up, she knew that Lexa knew what it meant to be her inspiration, and Lexa had just been staring at her with that horrified look in her eyes. That was what was so frustrating about all of this, if Lexa had just not been interested then it would have been better. She could have been angry at her for leading her on, go out for drinks screw a few guys and maybe a few girls just out of spite to forget her. But she couldn’t just do that now, sure she was still angry, but Lexa cared, it had been so clear, Clarke was convinced that Lexa felt about her the same way as she did about Lexa. That was what hurt most, knowing that this girl cared so much, and still it wasn’t enough, it wasn’t enough for Lexa to open up.

“Clarke, open this door right now, or I will ground you for the rest of your life.”

Clarke laughed through her tears as she opened the door. “Nice mom, but that’s okay, I don’t think I ever want to go anywhere anyway.”

“Oh, sweetie,” her mom bent down and wrapped her arms around her, pulling Clarke against her. It caused Clarke’s tears to reappear. “What happened?”

“I don’t know,” she choked out, “I told her, mom, I told her about the paintings, and you should have seen her. If I had told her I just drowned a litter of kittens she would have been less horrified.”

“Ssshhhh” Abby rubbed her back, gently trying to soothe her, “what did she say?”

“That’s just it, she said nothing, nothing!” Clarke voice got louder in desperation. “I don’t know what to do, how to help her, and not even if I want to. If we are supposed to be timer partners shouldn’t this be so much easier? Aren’t soulmates supposed to just click and live happily ever after? It isn’t supposed to be this hard.”

“I’m so sorry sweetie, you don’t deserve this, neither of you do. I know you care for her, and she cares for you, but sometimes that’s not enough. But I do want to say even if you are soulmates then relationships are not like they are in the romance novels and movies. Relationships are messy, you’re going to hurt each other sometimes, you’re going to fight, you’re going to have boring days, you’re going to have all of that. Communication is what matters. And maybe you and Lexa are meant to be together, maybe you’re not, does that really matter?”

Clarke looked up at her mom, “but what about the timers?”

“What about them?” Abby shrugged.

“We’re meant to be together, that’s what that means.”

“No, Clarke, I told you, I don’t believe that, and even if you do believe that, maybe that’s true, but does it have to be now? I am not saying you should just cut Lexa out of your life, but I hate seeing you this upset. You only just got out of a relationship that was unhealthy for you, and that asshole is still around. I made sure he got thrown out by the way, but not before I had a good talk to that boy, who does he think he is?” Abby looked so outraged that Clarke had to smile, she loved when her mom got all mama bear.

Abby looked down at her daughter. “All I am saying is, you give so much of yourself, make sure there is some of that brightness that you have so much of left for you.” She smiled and kissed the top of her head and hugged Clarke.

_You have to understand that the way you clung to the timer on your wrist, that’s how I detested the idea. For so long I was convinced that having a timer was nothing positive. I felt threatened in my relationship with Finn, and in who I was as a person, like now that I had a timer I was someone else, who I did not recognise. Then I met you and felt an instant connection, that I tried to ignore in the beginning, because of lots of different reasons._

_You can ask me anything you want, but I might not answer. I already feel like I have given a lot, maybe too much in this thing between us. Don’t get me wrong I want this to work out, but I don’t know if that’s possible and I need to take care of myself. But as you said communication is key, and I am so thankful that you have taken this step._

_I would love to hear from you soon._

_Yours sincerely,_

_Clarke_

* * *

 

_23-04-2015_

_Dear Clarke,_

_Thank you so much for responding to my letter, you have no idea how much it means to me. A lot has happened since I sent you that letter. I have been in the treatment centre I talked to you about. It’s incredibly intense, we live in a group of around eight to ten people, we only get to go home on weekends and we have all different kinds of therapy all day, every day. To say it has been draining, would be an understatement. It’s so scary most of the time, you’re forced to face things you thought you’d never have to. And let me tell you Miller, he can be a total hardass, but in a good way. I am glad I made the choice to go here, I can see now that I have been avoiding a lot of stuff instead of dealing with it._

_I’m so sorry for hurting you, it’s the last thing I ever wanted to do. I never want to hurt the people I love, but I keep doing it anyway. I know sorry isn’t enough to fix this. And I know I said before I couldn’t explain what happened that night and I couldn’t, I just didn’t understand, there are still parts I don’t get. I have been cut off from my emotions for so long that everything gets confusing. But Miller has been helping me figure things out, and I think I might have uncovered a bit of what happened. It’s going to be a long letter, but I hope that it will help you._

_When you told me that I had inspired those paintings, I got so overwhelmed, because I knew what it meant, that it was basically a public declaration that you cared about me, cared so deeply, maybe even as deep as me. And it was all I ever wanted, it should have made me the happiest person alive and it would have if I wasn’t so messed up. But instead I got so scared, I got scared from exactly what should have made me so happy. I got scared that I would end up getting destroyed if something were to happen to you. Because I have had that happen to me too often, for all that my parents did I still loved them as every kid does I guess and their actions hurt me, but most of all when I lost Costia, that destroyed me. I know I probably never told you about her, I don’t talk about her to anyone._

_When I was eight there came a new kid in my class, Costia. And for some reason she immediately decided that we'd be friends. At first I was so confused, I hardly understood what was going on, but soon enough we became inseparable. We sat next to each other in every class, we played together outside of school, when we got older we would even talk for hours on the phone. Costia made a crack in the walls I had built around myself to protect myself from caring about people and for the first time in a long time some sunlight came shining through. She is the person who helped me believe that it was okay to love again. That you could actually gain something from opening up to someone else. She was my best friend and slowly but surely it turned to something more. She has been my first friend, my first date, my first kiss, my first everything._

_In Costia’s house I saw for the first time that the way things went in my home weren't normal. I started asking questions, and I guess they worried Costia’s parents because all of a sudden there were people from child protective services on our tail. About 3 years ago we were living together and we were very much in love. I was as happy as you could expect of someone with my history. That's not to say there weren't any problems, I had a lot of anger inside of me, and a lot of sadness as well; but I repressed it, I almost never cried. (I know that's hard to believe from what you know of me, but it's true). She used to call me the commander sometimes, especially when she was angry. She would blame me for making all decisions with my head and not my heart, and she was right. But still we were happy._

_Until one night in April three years ago. We had gone out dancing and drinking, and basically we got ambushed. We both ended up in the hospital, I got into a coma, but Costia, she died. It was the first moment I had experienced true loss. It broke me, I couldn't cope and I pulled back from life. I couldn't pay the hospital bills, or the rent, which is why I ended up on the streets, but that was never the biggest problem. The problem was that I no longer cared for anything. I didn't see the point in anything, I didn't see the point in trying. The only thing I tried was stop feeling the pain and guilt and I did it using drugs mostly and sometimes alcohol._

_Until that day I got the timer. I had already decided I didn't want to live this way anymore that morning. I knew that if I continued down this road I would die. I knew I wanted to get my life together, but I didn't know how to do it or why, until I saw the mark. It gave me the courage to try and to live._

_I thought it meant that I had finally dealt with Costia’s death and everything else, but now I see I just locked that part of myself away. I used the timer as a crutch. It helped me get upright, and that was good, but I need to learn to walk without it. It wasn't fair of me to expect you to be my crutch, and I never meant for that to happen but it did, and it scared me._

_I do want to thank you. You have saved my life, twice. One time before you knew me, and this is the second time. And I am not talking about the timer this time, screw that damned thing. I am talking about Clarke, the bubbly blonde who loves art, who got me to do karaoke, the girl who wanted to be a freckle on my face, the girl who loves Harry Potter and A song of ice and fire just as much of me, I’m talking about you, all of you, every single thing you have done or said. I don't mean that in a clingy way, but you made me feel what I had to lose by staying behind my walls, by trying to deny the feelings I have for you, and you have for me. I think we could be great together, but I also know I have a lot to learn and that maybe you have changed your mind. I thought that us meeting meant that we had to have a relationship right from the start. But Miller told me that it doesn't work that way. All the timer says is that we were destined to meet and that we could be together, it said nothing about when and even if that should happen. I'd like to think that's what happened with us. We were meant to meet at that point in time to show both of us what could happen and how great life could be, but also to show me I had some work to do before I was ready to be good enough for you. I don’t mean that I’m not worthy or stuff like that, but you deserve the best Clarke, you deserve someone who can show you how much they love you and who can accept everything you want to give instead of shutting down. I don't know if it will happen, I'd like to think so, but not now. First I need to sort myself out. Because relationships are messy, but they are not supposed to be this messy. I never want to hurt you like I did on that night._

_I’d love to hear from you again, you’re never far from my mind._

_Yours always_

_Lexa_

* * *

Clarke laid the letter down, flattening it on her desk. She brushed her fingers over the few places where the ink had started to blot a little and she just knew it had happened because of Lexa’s tears. She felt a rush of relief through her, she felt guilty for it, but she couldn’t stop herself from feeling it. What Lexa had gone through was absolutely horrible, but at least it explained something of her fear, why she had freaked out so much. Still Clarke didn’t understand why she hadn’t just talked about it, why hadn’t the girl understood that Clarke would take care of her. She felt like she had proven that. She knew it wasn’t that easy though. She felt happy that Lexa had finally chosen to share this with her, and for the first time since that night she actually smiled at the thought of Lexa. This was a big step, they were not where they had to be to be doing anything other than just writing letters, but this was a start.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, there we go. Like I said in earlier on I really want to show that you need more than love sometimes to heal mental illness and pain, and that's what's happening here. Also I know some of you may be concerned about everything is going to work out between the two of them and if it can ever be a healthy relationship, but let me be very clear: It is and always has been my intent to let them have exactly that, but we also must be realistic and accept that Lexa's trauma affected her in a way that makes a healthy relationship even more of a challenge than that it is for two people who have had all the luck in the world. Relationships are messy because feelings make us do and think stupid things sometimes, but they also what make us feel the most beautiful things.
> 
> I hope this chapter makes you guys feel a little more at ease after last one. As always let me know what you think. (:


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just something short and sweet so both these cuties can sort of find a new equilibrium in this situation.

Lexa looked down at the bag in her hand, she felt nervous, but excited. She couldn’t believe it had been three months ago that she had gotten here, and that now she was leaving. She turned around for a last time to the building. She was happy to go, but part of her felt a little sad too. A small part would miss this place, and the help they had given her. She would still see Miller, they’d still have appointments and he said she could call and email him any time, but it wasn’t the same.

She settled herself on a low wall, smiling as she felt a beam of sunshine hitting her face. She enjoyed the feeling of warmth, putting her headphones on and playing some music. She knew it would be a while before the bus would come, but she felt perfectly content waiting like this. That is until she could feel an acorn hitting her, she shrugged it off, figuring it dropped from a tree or something, but then she felt another one hitting her, kind of hard actually. Lexa opened her eyes and almost fell backwards off the wall, startled by the proximity of someone’s face.

“Whoops, Cinnabon, I got you.” Raven laughed as she took a hold of Lexa so she wouldn’t actually topple backwards.

“Raven!” Lexa gasped in surprise. “What are you doing here?”

“What do you think?” Another voice came from behind Raven, and Lexa peeked over her shoulder to see her sister standing there with a grin.

“Anya?” Lexa could feel tears start to gather in her eyes. “What are you guys doing here?” She swallowed thickly.

“What? Did you think we would just get you home by bus? That would take about three hours and it’s like a one-hour car-ride.” Anya smiled at her sweetly. “Besides, I am so happy you’re coming home, and I’m so proud of you for having done this.”

She had tried to keep her tears at bay, giving Anya a watery smile, but when Anya told her how proud she was she couldn’t stop herself. She got up and wrapped her arms around her sister. Anya, who had looked shocked, quickly wrapped her arms around her sister as well, whispering softly as she stroked her hair. “Hey, no need to cry. It’s okay.”

Lexa simply nodded, still sniffling a little as she hid her face against Anya’s shoulder. She wasn’t sure why she was crying, she just knew it meant so much that Anya had come and got her. She knew her sister must have taken the day off just for this. It’s why she hadn’t wanted to ask her; Anya had already done far too much for her. She honestly hadn’t minded the idea of going back by bus. It’s what she had done most weekends too. But now that Anya was here, and Raven too, showing her that she meant enough to both of them to drive here, she could feel how important this really was. They kept standing like this for about a minute, before Raven cleared her throat.

“Okay, Cinnabon, ready to go home?”

Lexa pulled away from Anya, wiping her eyes and looking at Raven with a smile and she nodded. “Ready as I’ll ever be.”

They walked back to the car and Lexa got in the backseat. She hated herself for feeling disappointed and relieved that Clarke wasn’t with them. She knew she had no right whatsoever to expect the other girl to be there. Yes, they had been exchanging letters and they had talked a lot, but that was not the same. Lexa knew they were in a better place now, but they hadn’t seen each other since that night three months ago. She felt disappointed that Clarke wasn’t there because she wanted to see her, talk to her, touch her maybe. But at the same time she was relieved, because the idea of seeing Clarke scared her. She thought she’d do better this time, but she didn’t know for sure, not until she tried, and that scared her. She wanted to be sure she would do things right this time.

She didn’t understand how she could already feel exhausted but she did, she could feel her eyes start to droop almost instantly. She yawned and shook her head to try and stay awake, but she could feel she was losing that fight. She wanted to tell both Raven and Anya how much it meant that they were here. Before she really fell asleep, leaning her head against the window she managed to mumble. “Thanks for coming to get me.” But before either of the girls in front could respond she had fallen asleep.

*****

“Wake up, Cinnabon!” Lexa squealed when she felt Raven blowing a wet raspberry to her cheek.

“Raven, you are so gross, now I’m all wet.” She huffed indignantly, wiping her cheek with her sleeve.

“That’s what she said.” Raven grinned and gave her a wink, before turning around and heading inside the building.

“Your roommate is truly something else.” Anya laughed as she grabbed Lexa’s bag. “Come, let’s get you upstairs and settled in again.” Lexa nodded, climbing out of the car and following the other two girls inside.

Lexa stood in the doorway looking around at the apartment she shared with Raven. She was amazed by how exactly the same it looked. It was small, and a little cluttered, but it felt like home, even though she had only lived here for a few weeks and in the weekends.

Raven, draped over the couch, grinned at her. “Welcome home, Cinnabon.”

“Thanks,” she smiled and settled herself on the other end of the couch, taking off her shoes before setting them on the couch as well.

“Oi!”

Both Raven and Lexa looked towards Lexa’s room, where Anya stood.

“I am not your maid, Lexa. I am in your room tidying up, and you just sit down on the couch? Hell no.” She laughed as she moved towards the couch, and let herself fall backwards in between Raven and Lexa. Both girls only pulled out their feet just in time.

“Now get me some lemonade.” Anya waved dismissively at Lexa. Lexa snorted and rolled her eyes, but she did get up.

She headed to the kitchen, opening the fridge. “Is a coke alright? We don’t seem to have much else.”

Anya simply nodded, “that’s fine.”

“For me too, please!” Raven batted her eyelashes exaggeratingly.

“Of course, three cokes it is.”

***

“Hey Lexa,”

“Yes?” Lexa turned her head, she was sitting on her bed, sorting her laundry to put back in her closet.

“I am about to go to work, but I just wanted to check in how you were doing.” Raven smiled, walking into her room and settling herself on Lexa’s bed beside her.

Lexa felt slightly taken aback by this uncharacteristic sign of gentleness. She turned her body to face Raven, looking at her suspicious. At that Raven laughed.

“Don’t look so suspicious, Cinnabon, I can be nice.”

“Alright,” Lexa hesitated for a second, and then let herself fall backwards on her bed, pulling Raven with her so they both looked up at the stained ceiling.

“I’m doing okay, it’s a little weird to be back, but it feels good. And thank you for coming to pick me up. I didn’t know I wanted someone to do that until I saw both of you there.”

“It’s alright, I was happy to do it. I mean don’t get me wrong, it was nice having the apartment to myself during the weeks, but the weekends were definitely better.”

“Yeah?” Lexa turned her head to look around at Raven

“Of course!” Raven shoved her shoulder, “I mean you’re cooking skills are far superior over take out and Clarke’s cooking skills.”

Lexa had started to laugh, but choked at the mention of Clarke’s name, but she managed to turn it into a cough, but apparently not well enough, because she saw the look Raven gave her.

“Don’t start, Raven.” She turned back on her back, looking at the stains, pointing up. “That one kind of looks like a gorilla, don’t you think?”

Raven chuckled, “you’re going to hate me for saying this, but that’s exactly what Clarke said. She even made a drawing of it; the gorilla, not the stain.” She clarified.

Lexa swallowed, trying not to think of the blonde, but giving up after just a couple of seconds, because it seemed impossible. She turned on her side, facing Raven who turned and did the same. Lexa pulled on a loose thread of her bedcovers.

“Do you think I should text her? Or well not if I should, do you think she would mind?” Lexa wanted to say more, but decided not to in the end. Everything else she wanted to say she should tell Clarke first probably. Plus, it wasn’t fair to put Raven in that position; it was probably already hard enough on her having a friend and roommate who couldn’t be in the same room together and who could hardly bear hearing about each other. To be fair, Lexa didn’t know if Clarke felt that way too, but she certainly did. She had never told Raven, but she was sure Raven knew, because even though Clarke and Raven had become best friends again she was never there over the weekends and Raven never mentioned her. When she would go to see her she would always say she was going to meet a friend. Lexa had figured that one out immediately, but she hadn’t told Raven so they could both pretend.

“Lexa,” the softness of Raven’s voice made Lexa look up at the girl and see the softness in her gaze, and she knew that Raven knew. She let out a frustrated sigh and turned back on her back so she wouldn’t have to face Raven’s understanding, whispering. “I just miss her, you know.”

“I think you should text her now.”

“Really?”

“Of course! And come out to the bar tonight. It’ll be fun.”

“I don’t know, Raven. I think I am just going to stay home. Maybe another time, but thanks for asking.” Lexa smiled, and in the split of a second she decided to hug Raven.

“Wowowow, Cinnabon. What is this?” Raven’s words were teasing, but Lexa could feel Raven hugging her back.

“Just a thank you,” Lexa smiled as she pulled back. “And now go make some money so we can actually eat something decent tomorrow.” She grinned as she immediately grabbed her phone.

“Alright alright,” Raven got up and headed to the door, “and you good luck with a certain artistic blonde.” Raven laughed as she pulled the door closed just in time for the pillow that Lexa had thrown to hit the door.

“Too late,” Raven Cackled through the crack before pulling the door all the way closed again.

* * *

 

“I hope you brought your own snacks and alcohol, because I have nothing.” Clarke opened the door of her apartment with a grin.

“You have been friends with Raven for way too long, Griff.” Bellamy rolled his eyes and pressed a kiss to Clarke’s cheek as he showed her a case of beers and a bottle of tequila.

“Shut up, Bell,” she rolled her eyes, but then grinned as she felt two arms wrap around her. “Hi O!”

“Don’t mind Bellamy,” Octavia glared at her brother as she hugged Clarke, “he’s just an asshole. And don’t worry we’ve got you, look I brought chips.”

“Thank god for both of you,” Clarke grinned as she closed the door, “because I wasn’t lying. I literally have almost nothing. And what did you think?”

She felt a little anxious, but mostly excited for her new friends to see her new apartment. Bellamy and Octavia had moved into the house beside her mother a few years ago, and she did know them, but they hadn’t really hung out a lot, not until she had moved in with her mother a few months ago. She had realised that beside Raven she hadn’t had a lot of friends left, and Raven was always busy. It’s when her mom had suggested she could stop by her neighbours, that they were ‘young people’. And as always her mom had given the right suggestion.

“Seriously nice apartment, Griff.” Bellamy let out a low whistle. “A definite step up from living at your mom’s in suburbia.” He smirked.

“You’re one to talk, Bell.” Clarke was standing in her tiny kitchen, grabbing a bowl for the chips and shot glasses. “You and O are literally my mom’s neighbours. And here, let’s do a shot.” She handed Bellamy the shot glasses.

“Yes, but I figured you’d just move back in with Raven, but this is even better.” He settled himself on her couch and opening a few beers, offering them and the shots to Clarke and his sister.

“She already has a roommate, Bellamy.” Octavia accepted the beer.

“Right, then why haven’t we seen this mysterious roommate?”

“It’s not like we spend a lot of time at Raven’s though, Bell. Why would she lie?” Octavia sipped her beer, looking at her brother in surprise when he choked on his beer. “Are you alright?”

“I’m fine,” Bellamy coughed, glaring at Clarke when she saw him smirking at her.

“Don’t mind Bellamy, O.” Clarke grinned getting up and settling herself on Bellamy’s lap, twirling a strand of his hair around, grinning wider as she saw how uncomfortable he felt. She leaned in closer, their noses almost touching.

“Uh, should I just leave?” Octavia muttered awkwardly.

“No need” Clarke turned away from Bellamy to grin at Octavia. “Can’t you see how uncomfortable he is? He and Raven are so together.”

“What?” Octavia stared at Bellamy.

“No, we’re not!” Bellamy’s face heated up, while he tried to be indignant.

“Maybe not, but you like her.”

“What no!” Bellamy started laughing awkwardly, trying to gently push Clarke off his lap.

“Oh my god oh my god! You do!” Octavia slapped his knee.

“No!” Bellamy started getting desperate then.

“No? Then make out with Clarke.”

At that suggestion both Bellamy and Clarke turned to glare at Octavia. “No!” they both said at the same time, and Clarke quickly moved to sit beside Bellamy, sliding off his lap. Why had she even done that? Sometimes she hated her own impulsiveness, it was the thing that got her in trouble.

“Why not?” Octavia was watching the two of them. “If neither of you like anyone then why not prove it? I mean you two have been flirting all this time. I mean you won’t kiss her because you like Raven, but what about you Clarke?” And just like that the Blake siblings turned on her.

Clarke opened her mouth to respond when she saw her phone flash. She hated herself for the intense need she had to check, for the hope she felt that it might be Lexa. She knew that today was the day she got home. She had wanted to send a card or something, but she hadn’t. She had been scared it might raise expectations she couldn’t meet. She didn’t know what to do, what she wanted, she only knew that she missed Lexa.

She looked at her phone, and couldn’t stop a smile when she saw Lexa’s name.

**_Hi Clarke, it’s Lexa. We have had conversed by letter of course. I was not sure if you still had my number, not that it matters if you do, I mean it is fine if you do not, but I still have yours. I do not know why I said that. This text is getting way too long. All I wanted to say was I just arrived home today. I thought you should know, so if you come visit Raven there is a chance I will be here, unless you announce it beforehand, if you want to. But I would like to see you some time. This message is quite long, I apologise._ **

Clarke grinned, Lexa’s text oozed awkwardness and she could just imagine the girl hiding from her phone like she had that one time a few months ago. She frowned for a second, slightly annoyed that a stupid text made her this happy. She wasn’t going to answer yet she decided.

“Oh, Clarke does have someone she likes,” Clarke got nudged by Bellamy and looked up at him startled, she had for a second forgotten her friends were even here.

“No, I don’t.” She shrugged, she felt guilty for not exactly lying, but also not really telling them the truth. After all they didn’t know about Lexa. She couldn’t really explain why she hadn’t told them; it had just happened. In the beginning she had been too angry and sad, she had been seeing them to distract herself, not to talk about Lexa. And then when she had started writing, it had felt too personal to tell really.

“Let’s do some more shots!” Clarke grinned and refilled their glasses, draining her own within seconds and refilling it again. “And after let’s go hang out with Raven at the bar.”

“That sounds fun, but I don’t think we can get home that late though.” Octavia looked at her brother asking him what he thought, but before Bellamy could answer Clarke yelled.

“You guys can stay with me for the night, no problem. Now drink!” She demanded, and her friends laughed as they threw back the shot. “No one can ever deny the Griff.”

Clarke swallowed, immediately feeling a little sad, no one seemed to be able to say no, except the one she had wanted to say yes. No, she wasn’t going to be sad about this anymore; what was done was done. She should probably text Lexa back, she knew Lexa was probably very anxious.

**_Hi awkward cimmanon roll, I stlli have ur number Id never just remove that u should know that! Anywy u dont have to go if I come to see Raven and Id like to see ur face to some time Im glad ur back_ **

She looked up, seeing the Blake siblings stare at her questioningly.

“What?”

“You’re back with us? We were talking to you, but it was like you were on a different planet.”

Clarke rolled her eyes. “Shut up, Octavia.”

“No, she was right, Clarke. Who were you texting?” Bellamy grinned.

“No one,” Clarke huffed, still debating if she should or shouldn’t tell them.

“Is no one perhaps named Lexa? Because she just texted back.” Bellamy laughed as Clarke’s eyes immediately flew back to her phone. She felt oddly touched by the fact that Lexa had replied this quickly.

**_You are right, I should have known better, my sincerest apologies. I will let you continue what you are doing, because your typing suggests you’re having a lot of fun. I cannot wait to see you. X_ **

Clarke glared at the offending text message, what did that mean? She huffed and threw away her phone.

“Ohoh, trouble in paradise?” Bellamy poked her side

“Shut up,” she crossed her arms and stuck her tongue out to him.

“Aw Clarke, come on you can tell us. We don’t judge.”

She rolled her eyes, impulsively deciding to tell them, maybe they could help her figure Lexa out.

***

“Wow that’s quite the story.” Both Bellamy and Octavia were sitting on either side of Clarke now, rubbing her back, while Clarke wiped her eyes.

She laughed with only a little bitterness, “I know right?” she grabbed the bottle of tequila again and refilled all their glasses. “That deserves a shot right?”

“Of course,” they all drained their glasses again. Clarke looked at the bottle surprised to see that it was almost empty.

“But why did you just toss away your phone if she was just texting you? Why did you even invite us here tonight? Why weren’t you waiting in front of her apartment with a boom box when she came home?”

“Bell, you’ve seen too many romcoms.” Clarke, didn’t want to admit she had thought of seeing her today, that was actually the reason she had invited the Blakes over.

“You’ve been thinking about it though.” She glared at Bellamy, since when had he become so insightful.

“Shut up, Bellamy.”

“Hey! You two keep saying that tonight, I came out to have a good time and I am honestly feeling so attacked right now.” He clutched his chest in mock hurt.

“Don’t mind Clarke, Bell, she is just moody because you’re right I bet.”

“Fine! I did want to go see her and I invited you two so I wouldn’t get the chance to.” Clarke huffed and slid down on the couch to sulk some more.

“Explain please, because that sounds like the stupidest idea I have ever heard.” Of course Bellamy wouldn’t get that. Stupid boys and their stupid simple brains.

“Isn’t it obvious? She wants to see Lexa, but she is scared, scared of taking the first step, and scared that Lexa will freak out again, and scared of getting hurt again.”

“You get all that from one sentence?”

“I got all that from the entire story she just told us. Haven’t you been listening? Guys can be so idiotic sometimes.” Octavia rolled her eyes, but smiled at Clarke as she put her hand on her arm. “But why did you throw your phone away? Why aren’t you texting her right now?”

Clarke shrugged. “I don’t know, she is a weird texter, and apparently rude.”

“Let me read.” Octavia demanded, holding her hand out, and Clarke knew there was no point.

“Okay, I can see what you mean, definitely a little awkward.” Octavia was laughing. “But her first text to you was incredibly adorable, if also very awkward.” Octavia was apparently going to read every single text, not that there were that many.

“Okay Clarke, I have got to be honest. I don’t see what’s so offensive about her last text. She clearly interpreted all your typos as you being either distracted or drunk, she said she couldn’t wait to see you, and she even ended this text with a kiss which she has never done before.”

“I made typos?” Clarke was scrambling to grab her phone and Octavia laughed.

“Clarke, you made so many typos, you’re the worst drunk texter I have ever seen and that was only after a few drinks.”

“Well shit.” Clarke felt a little embarrassed at being so annoyed with Lexa. Apparently she wasn’t as okay with everything that had happened.

“Clarke,” she felt Octavia’s hand on her leg. “Don’t beat yourself up over this, it’s okay to still be angry, or to not trust her completely. No one would expect anything different, I’m sure.”

“I completely agree,” Bellamy added, and you two can talk it all out when she comes to the bar later.”

“What?!? You didn’t.”

“I did!” He grinned, “shouldn’t leave your phone unguarded should you.”

“I hate you.” Clarke climbed on top of him rubbing her knuckles over the top of his head.

“Ow, Clarke stop!” He whined, trying to move Clarke away, but not trying very hard. “Wouldn’t you prefer to focus more on texting her back than ruining my beautiful head.”

“She texted back already?” Clarke moved her glare from Bellamy’s face to her phone.

“Yehes,” he said in a singsong voice, wiggling her phone in front of her.

Clarke grabbed it to read what he had sent and Lexa’s reply

**_ Clarke: _ ** **_I’m hanging out with some friends, we are going to see Raven working at the bar later. Why don’t you meet us there?_ **

**_ Lexa: _ ** **_Are you sure you want me there? I don’t want to bother you if you’re with your friends. You can be honest._ **

Clarke stared at her phone for two seconds before deciding.

**_ Clarke: _ ** **_I would love if u came._ **

“Subtle,” She looked up at Bellamy’s smirk, and realised he was reading with, flushing at his implication. She focussed extra on not making a single typo in the next text.

**_ Clarke: _ ** **_By. Id love if you came by!_ **

**_ Lexa: _ ** **_Okay then I will be there :) what time?_ **

**_ Clarke: _ ** **_I think well go in an hour._ **

**_ Lexa: _ ** **_Okay, I will see you there x_ **

“Ohh another kiss, doesn’t that mean I deserve a kiss too?” Bellamy grinned, puckering his lips.

Clarke rolled her eyes, pressing her lips to his cheek and then gently slapping him. “Don’t think I have forgiven you yet for hijacking my phone, mister Blake!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end is getting closer you guys. Don't worry there is still a bunch of chapters to go and things to happen, but I just wanted to prepare you that this is not going to be a 40chapter fic or anything like that.
> 
> Anyways as always, let me know what you guys think.  
> (And thank you all for the lovely feedback, always but last chapters especially, I was so nervous about it, but I should have known that you guys would be the best and be so kind<3)


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this was supposed to haveso much more happening then just that night in the bar, but things don't always turn out the way you planned, and anyway I am pretty happy with the things that happened and were said.  
> As always let me know what you guys think, every kudo, every bookmark, every comment especially makes me so happy!

Lexa was sitting on the couch, jacket on, ready to go. She kept glancing at her phone to check the time, and to reread the short conversation she and Clarke had to make sure she hadn’t been imagining it. She hadn’t though, that was proven every time she read the texts. She felt nervous though, and she didn’t quite understand why Clarke had invited her. She hadn’t thought their conversation had been going particularly well, quite the opposite in fact, but she wasn’t going to question it too much, not beyond making sure Clarke was sure.

Part of her had hoped that Clarke and her would have their first interaction with just the two of them, but she would take it any way she could get it. Plus, maybe this way was better because there were other people around to diffuse the tension. And Raven would be there, the thought made her feel a little better, but she was still a little scared, she’d go to this bar all by herself and Clarke would have her friends around. Would those friends like her? Would they know about her? Lexa hoped they didn’t, because if they did they would probably hate her for hurting Clarke the way she had.

Lexa could slowly but surely feel her anxiety levels rise, she was starting to freak herself out by overthinking. She wasn’t sure what to do, her first instinct was to just push forward and ignore it. What was the point? But she knew that if she did that her levels would continue to rise, and it was exactly that behaviour that had been causing all the problems. She considered texting Clarke; she was halfway through typing one in fact when she decided against it. She didn’t want to bother Clarke when she was with her friends, and she didn’t want to put all this on the girl. But she did want to do things different than she had, so she still took out her phone.

“Lexa, is everything alright?” Anya sounded a little frantic on the phone, and Lexa felt a little bad that her sister was so worried.

“Yeah, I’m okay, don’t worry Anya.” She reassured her sister as she curled up on the couch. “I’m calling because I wanted to talk.”

“Just like that?” Anya sounded suspicious and Lexa couldn’t blame her sister, she had never been one to call for no reason.

“Well not exactly, I’m feeling nervous and I thought it would be nice to talk to someone. Is it okay that I called?” Lexa played with a loose thread on her shirt; she hated that she felt nervous to call, this should feel normal. Why was this so hard for her?

“Of course,” Anya’s voice had softened considerably, “you can always call me, you know that. I’m just a little surprised you actually are calling me.”

Lexa let out a soft chuckle, “Yeah well insanity is when you keep doing the same thing expecting different results, or at least that’s what Miller always says. So I figured I’d try something different.” Lexa was pretty impressed with how casual she sounded, but Anya wasn’t fooled.

“I’m glad you called, Lex, really. So what’s up? Is Raven bugging you?”

“Nah, Raven is working, I’m home alone. I texted Clarke earlier and she invited me to come to a bar with her and her friends.”

“Ahh, well at least she wanted to see you, that’s a good thing, right? Maybe next time, kid.”

“Uhm, Anya? I said yes, that’s actually why I am nervous.”

“Oh,” Anya sounded surprised, but pleased, “of course you’re nervous. You’re going out to meet people you don’t know, to see the girl you like. And I am sure it makes you think back to a few months ago, and a few years ago.”

Lexa swallowed thickly, Anya knew her so well, she shouldn’t be surprised, but she still was. It was at moments like this that Lexa felt she might not have had a mother, but having Anya was just as good. “Would you like to come with me?” Lexa’s eyes widened at her own question, it had popped out before she had even realised. As soon as she asked she hoped Anya would say yes though, so at least she wouldn’t be sitting there alone if Clarke didn’t show up, or if things didn’t work out, but she was scared Anya might not want to. Anya had already done so much for her already, and as she realised that Anya had gotten up incredibly early already, she rushed to add “you don’t have to, I just it could be fun, but if you don’t want to that’s totally okay.”

Anya laughed “Calm down, Lex. I’m with Lincoln though, but we would love to come to this bar with you.”

“Yeah?” Lexa smiled happily, feeling relieved.

“Of course, we’ll come by now.”

“Oh but we still have to wait like half an hour.”

“What, why?”

“Well Clarke wouldn’t be there until then and I wanted her to have some fun with her friends first, I don’t want to impose or anything.”

“Lex, calm down. Me and Lincoln are coming right now, we’ll have a drink at your place, and then we’ll go.”

“But I don’t have anything, I mean we drank the last of the coke earlier today remember?”

Anya pulled away from her phone a little. “Linc, it’s bring your own at Lexa’s.” And then after a laugh she heard a thud and Anya laughingly replied. “We’re coming your way right now.”

***

Lexa felt hands press her shoulders down. “Don’t be so tense, sport, it’s gonna be alright.” Lincoln squeezed her shoulders in reassurance. Lexa nodded and took a deep breath before going in. She hadn’t set a foot inside or her eyes had located Clarke already.

As soon as she saw her though Lexa wanted to turn around, this had been a mistake. Too much was happening, she was feeling too much, she thought she could handle it, but she clearly couldn’t. She wanted to run to Clarke and wrap her arms around the girl and hold her; she felt elated at seeing the blonde, only upon seeing her again could she feel how much she had truly missed her. But her self-doubt creeped up again, because Clarke looked perfectly happy. She looked picture perfect, laughing with her friends, dancing with this incredibly tall and handsome guy. That was how Clarke’s life should be, fun and light like a summer breeze, and that’s not what life was with Lexa around. The breeze would be one that came before a thunderstorm, dark and cloudy. She couldn’t do this, she shouldn’t. She turned around, walking straight into Lincoln and Anya.

“You’re going the wrong way, sport.” Lincoln simply smiled and turned her around, steering her towards the bar.

Lexa started to feel panicked, she shook her head, trying to find Anya. “This was a mistake; we have to go.” She said urgently.

“Lex, why?” Anya said it so quietly, and looked at her with so much kindness that she couldn’t bear to tell her. She knew it would hurt Anya if she told her she didn’t want to ruin Clarke’s life by just being in it. So in the end Lexa simply shrugged.

“No, tell me.” Anya insisted, and Lexa opened her mouth, but before she could say anything she felt a hand on her shoulder and the prettiest voice in the world.

“You came!” Lexa swivelled around, staring in those beautiful blue eyes, and all she could do was nod. All thoughts of leaving this bar, of leaving this girl were lost; she was still scared so scared, but she couldn’t imagine ever leaving Clarke unless Clarke would ask her to.

“I’m so glad you’re here.” Lexa gasped as Clarke wrapped her arms around her neck and hugged her. For less than a second Lexa hesitated, but then she was hugging her back, pressing her face into the blonde curls, and pulling her closer. After a while she pulled away to look at Clarke who was all big smiles and crinkled eyes. Lexa knew she should say something now, but what were you supposed to say when you had ruined things so royally when you last saw each other and then spent three months writing, she had no idea.

“Hi,” She said lamely. She hated herself for it, but she had thought it was better than just staring in silence, but now that she actually uttered the words she wasn’t so sure.

“Hi?” Clarke raised a brow questioningly, but she seemed amused.

“Uh right, my sincere apologies, I should introduce you.” Lexa could hear the words leaving her mouth, but she had no idea what she was saying or why she was saying it. “This is my sister Anya, and that is Lincoln, a friend of hers. They came with me to this establishment.” Lexa closed her eyes in defeat, she was making an absolute fool of herself.

“Lexa, what the fuck are you doing? You’re being weird. You know I know both of them, right?” Clarke was watching her with a mix of confusion and suspicion.

Yes, Lexa did know that, and she had no real explanation for what she was doing. She looked down at her hands while she was wringing them. She could feel the anxiety building in her chest, it was slowly expanding until her lungs had no more room to breathe. She looked up at Clarke, and all of a sudden she knew she had a choice. She could hear Miller in her head. _Anxiety isn’t a choice, but giving into it is. Your anxiety comes from within you so it will always be smaller than you are._ She could do this, one word at a time, Clarke was worth it, she was worth it.

“I’m very nervous.” She swallowed, her mouth was extremely dry.

“So this is just the return of the awkward cinnamon roll?” Clarke’s smile was so sweet that Lexa could actually feel herself relax a little.

“I guess?” She wasn’t exactly sure how to answer that, because she didn’t know exactly.

“What are you so nervous about though? Rave, can we have two waters?” Without realising it Clarke had led them to the bar and they were sitting on two barstools.

“Water? No way, I am not going to be serving you two water, that is so lame!”

“Raven, please.” Clarke leaned in and whispered something in Raven’s ear to which she rolled her eyes, but they ended up with two waters, so Lexa couldn’t be anything but impressed.

Then Clarke turned towards her again, and for a second Lexa thought Clarke was going to take her hand, but she didn’t. “So why the nerves?” Clarke sounded unsure as well, and Lexa realised that maybe Clarke felt insecure as well. That thought gave her the final push, she could feel bad, but she couldn’t stand the idea of Clarke feeling like that because of anything she did. She grabbed her glass took a sip and words started tumbling out of her mouth and there was no way to stop them even if she had wanted to.

“I’m nervous to see you, I have been wanting to see you so much. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you. I know I screwed up before, I know that our letters didn’t just make that go away. If I didn’t know you I might have believed you only wrote me out of pity, that you felt sorry for me even though I was so horrible to you. But I know that’s not something you would do, you are so kind, and you don’t pity people. And you answered my questions, told me about your dad and your art. And I don’t know what that meant to you, but it meant so much to me. I feel like I know you so much better than before and it only makes me like you so much more. You’re not just Clarke, my timer partner anymore, not that you ever were just that, but it used to be so important. Now you’re just Clarke, this completely amazing person with so many sides and they are all so great and I want to get to know you even better. And I am scared, so scared, Clarke. I am scared that it will hurt when you walk away, I am scared that I will ruin your life somehow, because you deserve happiness and joy and how can someone as messed up as me give you that. But at the same time I want the friendly touches, the smiles, the hugs, the kisses, the laughter, the conversations, the early morning coffees, I want you so much, I want it all.”

Lexa clapped her hand over her mouth, she hadn’t meant to say that last part. She stared wide-eyed at Clarke for a second who was blinking at her rather sheepishly, before looking away and taking a sip of her water.

“Fuck, Clarke,” Lexa grabbed her hand, she couldn’t let Clarke leave, she refused to accept that she had already messed this up so badly. “I’m sorry, I really am! Can we please forget I said any of that, please? We’ll just start over. I am nervous to see you. I missed you a lot and I know that the letters we exchanged don’t mean that everything is okay, but I am willing to do anything to make things better. I can change, I have changed, Clarke, please?” Lexa couldn’t keep the pleading note out of her voice, begging for Clarke to look at her. Why did she ever listen to Miller? This was why you didn’t go and ignore your anxiety it was there for a reason.

Then the words she had feared most of all came. “I don’t want to.” Lexa felt herself deflate, letting go of Clarke’s hand. Disappointment started to bloom in her chest, tears burning in her eyes, and she hated it, she hated those stupid tears, she hated herself for hoping. She had been telling herself and everyone else that she wasn’t hoping things would be okay. She knew she had done bad things, and that was true, but the bitter pain of disappointment showed how much she actually had been hoping things were okay.

“Oh, fair enough.” She hoped she managed to give the other girl a comforting smile, but she guessed it probably just looked painful because Clarke grabbed her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. “No, Clarke don’t. It’s fine, you don’t have to. I’m fine, I’m okay, thank you for being honest.” Lexa knew she had to get out of here, she could feel her tears starting to well up, and she could suppress them for a bit, but not for long. Clarke couldn’t see them, because Clarke was too sweet to let her cry, she would try and comfort her. And part of Lexa wanted that desperately, so much so that she even debated just crying just to have Clarke do exactly that. But it would hurt her so much, and she couldn’t use Clarke like that.

“Lexa,”

Lexa looked up, startled to see blue eyes incredibly close to her, and for a second she forgot how to breathe, even though she felt so sad she could feel the effect of Clarke this close to her. She stared into those blue eyes and her sadness got mixed with confusion. Clarke was looking at her with kindness, worry, but she wasn’t looking resigned, not at all.

“What’s going on in that beautiful head of yours?” Clarke slightly tilted her head.

“I just,” She just what? Lexa had no idea what to say. She was fucking distraught, that was highly inappropriate and manipulative to boot. She had to be honest though, she would face anxiety head on one last time before telling Miller he was the worst therapist to walk this goddamned earth. “I am just sad; I’ll respect your choice of course. But maybe we could still write?” Lexa couldn’t stop herself from asking it, hoping against hope that Clarke would still want that too.

“Uhm, sure, we can write I guess.” But Clarke’s words and face showed that the blonde didn’t want that at all, and Lexa could feel the last bit of hope she had held onto crumbling away. She bit the inside of her cheek to keep the tears at bay. She wasn’t exactly sure if she had fooled herself into thinking things had been getting better between her and Clarke or what, but she had clearly been deluded.

“Why would you want to write though?”

Lexa stared up at Clarke, unsure if she had heard correctly. “Why do I want to write to you?” Clarke nodded and looked at Lexa with such genuine confusion that Lexa could do nothing but be honest. “Because I am a selfish creature, Clarke.” She laughed self-deprecatingly. “Every time you tell me no, I try and weasel my way back into your life because…” She didn’t finish her sentence.

Clarke frowned. “I told you no? What are you talking about? I wanted to know why you would still want to write instead of talk.”

Now it was Lexa’s turn to be confused. “You said you didn’t want to, you didn’t want me to try and make it up to you.”

Clarke threw her head back and laughed, she actually laughed and Lexa wanted to be angry at her for laughing, but the sound was just so lovely that she ended up just trying to commit the sound to memory.

“God, Lexa, you fucking idiot!” Lexa started as Clarke slapped her arm. “I did not say that! I meant I didn’t want to forget that crazy nervous rant you started this conversation with!” And then Clarke was laughing again, she was actually leaning into Lexa, snorting loudly as she pressed her face in Lexa’s hair.

“I should be angry with you, for thinking the worst of me yet again.” She pulled away slightly to look at Lexa with a slight pout on her face before smiling widely again. “But right now I am just happy you are actually here and said something about it. Come, meet my friends.” Clarke took a hold of Lexa’s hand and dragged her with her.

* * *

 

“So, how are things going?”

Clarke rolled her eyes, “I’m here to order drinks, Raven, not to get the third degree from you. Can I have…” She turned to look back at the table her party was sitting at, “six beers please.”

“Alcohol, Clarkie? I thought you said you needed to have a clear head.”

Clarke shrugged, “most of the tequila has left my system by now, I’m fine. And it’s going okay, we’re talking as a group, you know how it is, people don’t know each other we’re in a bar, we’re chitchatting.”

“Is that what you want to be doing right now? Chitchatting?” Raven looked at her as she was filling up the glasses.

“Raven don’t start.”

“What?” Raven’s voice got a little higher trying to emulate innocence. “I’m just saying, it’s the first time in three months you have seen the girl. You have been exchanging love letters all this time, and now you’re hanging out at the bar surrounded by friends.”

“For the millionth time, they weren’t love letters.”

“Fine, completely normal letters that you have been insanely secretive about, that still doesn’t answer my question, why are you here surrounded by people.”

Clarke rolled her eyes. “Are we really having this conversation here? And since when have you been about talking anyway?”

“Since it’s clear that not talking is not happening right now. And yes we are having this conversation here, because you brought her here, Clarke.” Raven was putting the glasses on a tray. “I am going to bring the glasses over, I am going to spill these drinks over her you and I’ll tell her to take you to our apartment so you can borrow some of my clothes.”

“Raven, no!” But Raven was already heading towards the group, turning around and wiggling her eyebrows while chanting “Raven yes!”

“This can’t be happening.” Clarke groaned to herself as she quickly chased down Raven, sitting down beside her friends. She knew Raven meant well, and she also knew that she could have convinced Raven not to do it if she really wanted to. That’s probably what confused her most, did she want this? She couldn’t imagine why, she hated stuff like this. There was a reason they had agreed to meet at the bar, there was a reason Clarke had asked the Blakes with her, and she was sure there was a reason Lexa had brought her friends with her. Though Clarke was strongly suspecting the only reason Lexa had done so was her nerves. Clarke softened as she watched Lexa talk with the Lincoln and Octavia, she seemed so happy and carefree. Then she thought back to a mere hour ago, back to how nervous Lexa had been an hour or so ago, but more importantly that she had talked.

Clarke had been nervous about that, Lexa had opened up to her so much in the letters, but she knew how hard it was for her; it’s why they had been writing letters instead of talking in the first place. So how would Lexa react if they saw each other again; would she be embarrassed, would she be aloof, would things be like they had been before, or would the letters have changed something? Clarke had been scared to find out that maybe nothing had changed, that the changes Lexa had gone through on paper would simply evaporate upon real life contact. She knew now that she had thought too little of Lexa, it wasn’t easy, but she was trying and things were different now.

Clarke was pulled from her reverie when she got doused in a tidal wave of ice cold beer and she let out a scream, she could feel all her clothes getting drenched.

“Fuck, Clarke, I’m so sorry!” She was impressed with how sincere Raven sounded, that was until she looked up at the girl and saw a faint blush on her cheeks. She narrowed her eyes, Raven never blushed, and then she saw Bellamy’s hand slip from Raven and he wasn’t looking at her, but she could see he was trying to suppress laughter.

“Lex, please can you take Clarke to our apartment, hers is much too far away, she’ll catch a cold. She can take a shower, wash her clothes and borrow some.”

“I…” Lexa’s gaze was wide-eyed and went from Clarke to Raven and back, “okay.” Lexa smiled tentatively, and Clarke could see the nerves, but her cheeks were flushed with more than nerves, with something that made Clarke want to grin. She did feel apprehension though, was this really a good idea?

“I can’t I promised Bell and O they could stay with me.”

“Don’t worry about that, I’m sure Raven will show us the way. We’re staying here until the end anyway, right O?” But Octavia didn’t answer, she was too busy staring apparently.

“Of course” Raven grinned. “And Lexa you can leave Anya and Lincoln here. I promise I’ll take good care of them.” Raven smirked and started pulling on Clarke’s hand.

“Alright, alright, I’m getting up.”  Clarke rolled her eyes, turning around and handing Bellamy the key. “No parties with strangers while I’m gone!”

“No mom,” she laughed and pushed his head backwards “Shut up, Bell.”

Lexa had extricated herself from the group as well and stood beside her, looping a stand of hair behind her ear continuously. “Shall we go?” And before Clarke could answer Lexa had taken a hold of her hand and she was guiding them towards the exit.

They were almost outside when they got intercepted again by Raven, who wrapped her arms around both of them. “Do everything I would do.” Before letting out a snort and skipping away from them, leaving both of them staring after her in disbelief. Then Lexa let out a snort of laughter, and Clarke who hadn’t heard it before turned in surprise only to have Lexa smile back shyly at her.

“Sorry, it’s just Raven is not exactly subtle, right?”

Clarke laughed, “no, subtlety has never been her strong suit.”

“It’s sweet though, I mean” Clarke saw Lexa’s eyes widen in worry “not that she covered you in beer, I’m so sorry about that, I didn’t tell her to do that I promise, she did that all on her own! I just mean the thought, that’s nice.”

“Hmmm,” Clarke had to laugh to herself, “I know you didn’t put Raven up to this, first of all this has Raven written all over it, with some Bell in the mix too, and second she told me she was going to do it.”

“She what?” Lexa froze, tugging Clarke back to face her a little harder than Clarke was expecting so she stumbled into the other girl a little. “You knew?” Lexa’s eyes were wide, but not with fear this time, but more with wonder and Clarke wondered what it was about.

Clarke nodded, now it was her time to feel shy, she looked down at their interlinked hands and bit her bottom lip, trying to supress a grin when she heard Lexa’s sharp intake of breath. “It wasn’t like I encouraged her, but I don’t know, the two of us together talking without anyone else it sounded nice.” She looked up from their hands and to Lexa’s face, relieved to see her smile.

Lexa nodded, stating quietly, “very nice,” she let her thumb brush over the back of Clarke’s hand.

Clarke felt strangely overwhelmed by the gesture, it showed a softness and sweetness she had never really seen. She knew it was there, but it had always seemed like a part of herself that Lexa had always hid. Before she could think too much of it though the moment was gone and Lexa tugged on her hand. “We need to get you out of these beer-soaked clothes.”

***  
Lexa let go of Clarke’s hand to get her keys and open up the door, and Clarke wanted to roll her eyes at herself for the disappointment she felt at the loss of contact. They headed inside and Lexa immediately stepped in her room, leaving Clarke standing near the door, unsure of what to do as she heard beer steadily dripping to the floor. Then Lexa re-emerged with a big, fluffy towel, and handed it to her.

“I’d tell you our shower isn’t that good and stuff, but you have lived here so you know.”

Lexa smiled her new soft tentative smile, the smile that made Clarke want to brush her thumb over those soft, pouty lips to touch them. Clarke was starting to wonder if she wasn’t in fact a lot drunker than she had thought she was. After all, she reminded herself, she had drunk a lot of tequila earlier tonight. Why else would she get this need to touch Lexa so badly?

“You should probably hand me all your clothes.”

Clarke just stared at Lexa, she knew there must be a logical reason for what Lexa was saying, other than the images Clarke was desperately trying to force out of her mind. Lexa must have realised what she was thinking though because Lexa flushed and rushed to add, “so I can wash them! Clean the beer off.”

“Right of course.” Clarke tried to ask as if she knew that all along. She headed to the bathroom. “I’ll just get undressed and toss them out, and maybe you can hand me some clothes then.”

She closed the bathroom door, letting her head fall back against it loudly. Had this been a mistake, had coming with Lexa had been a mistake? Clarke couldn’t help but think that it might have been. Things were not at all going like she had suspected. She had been imagining seeing Lexa again for the past three months. She had pretended she hadn’t, but there was no point now. Never had it went like this, in her mind it had still been blended with anger, insecurity, distrust. That had even still been the case a few hours ago when she had been talking with Octavia and Bellamy. But as soon as she had seen Lexa she had felt more than seen that there truly was something different about her.

Lexa looked exactly the same, but there was a little more lightness in her step, her smiles seemed a little softer, everything about her just seemed more open. Lexa was quickly forcing her way back into Clarke’s heart and that was going to be a problem, because she wasn’t sure if she was ready for that, or better said she was scared as hell.

“Clarke?” She was pulled from her thoughts by a knock on the door. “Are you okay? I have some stuff for you to wear, do you want me to leave it and I’ll go to my room and you can get it whenever you want.”

And suddenly Clarke made a decision. She had decided to put all those big thoughts and decisions on the back burner, but this was a small in the moment type of thing, she could follow her gut and she’d just wait and see what would happen. She started throwing off her clothes quickly while telling Lexa to wait. She opened the bathroom door in just her underwear and handed Lexa her wet clothes and took the small pile of clothes Lexa was holding.

“Thanks, Lexa.” She closed the door with a victorious smile, Lexa’s wide staring eyes flitting all over her body had felt like soft caresses, it had felt really good, it made her wonder what Lexa’s fingers brushing over her skin would actually feel like. She knew it had been impulsive and probably stupid, but how can you go and regret doing something when it makes you feel all warm and happy inside?

When she got out of the shower she took a closer look to the clothes Lexa gave her. She was confused for a second, because it seemed like far too much clothing, but then she realised Lexa was giving her options. There were jeans, a few shirts, but also a pair of pyjamas, and they feel so soft and warm, and the implication that she could stay the night is so sweet that she didn’t think for another second and pulled them on.

She headed out, seeing Lexa in a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie curled up on the couch with a book. Lexa looked so comfortable and in her own cocoon that Clarke almost felt guilty for disturbing her, but the smile that appeared on Lexa’s face when she saw her eased the guilt.

“Come, sit next to me.” Lexa padded on the couch beside her, Clarke sat down where Lexa had padded and only realised how close they were when she felt her entire side pressed against Lexa’s. Since there was an entire couch on her other side she tried to shuffle off to the side a little, not wanting to crowd Lexa, but as she was trying to move Lexa put her hand on top of her leg and gave it a little squeeze. Clarke felt embarrassed for the amount of restraint she had to show not to let out a soft hum of satisfaction at the contact, especially when Lexa kept her hand in place.

“You’re reading a feast of crows? I thought you said you had read the entire series!” Clarke turned to look at Lexa with suspicion.

“I have, but our discussions made me want to reread them to see if I just missed something that would make you right.”

“And?” Clarke grinned, when Lexa shook her head.

“Sorry to inform you, Clarke, but you’re just wrong.”

Clarke laughed out loud at that, and nudged Lexa’s shoulder, “I’ll have you know that I am extremely knowledgeable. I just finished the world of ice and fire so I know _everything_.”

“Everything?” Lexa scoffed.

“Everything.” Clarke confirmed with a grin.

“Well, even if that was true you’re still wrong about Sansa’s Hogwarts house.” With a nod she put her book away. Clarke already had her mouth open to argue when she turned around, all of a sudden she was aware again of just how close they were. There might have been five centimetres between their faces; Lexa’s tongue swept over her bottom lip and all Clarke could do was stare at those plump lips. Both their breathing was a little more laboured than it should be, both opened their mouths a few times to say something, but nothing came out. Instead they just kept sitting as close as they were, staring at each other, neither daring to make a move and completely entranced by each other.

Somehow subconsciously they had leaned in even further and they had become so close that Clarke could feel Lexa’s breath brushing the skin of her face. That’s what pulled her back to reality, her eyes moved to Lexa’s eyes and she knew she had to pull away because it was clear that Lexa wouldn’t be able to, and if they stayed like this even a second longer Clarke wouldn’t be able to control herself and she would kiss her.  She pulled back, smiling softly when she noticed that disappointment caused Lexa’s lips to form a small pout.

“We should talk,” Clarke whispered roughly before clearing her throat; even though the spell was broken she could still feel the mysterious pull of the girl next to her.

“Right,” Lexa tucked her hair behind her ear, pulling her legs up to her chest and turning around. “Maybe you should sit a little farther back then,” She blushed, but couldn’t suppress a shy smile, “I can’t think clearly otherwise, and I need my brainpower if we are going to talk.”

Clarke smiled and moved to the other side of the couch, putting her legs upon the seat and stretching so her toes brushed with Lexa’s. The question was what now though, she knew they had to talk, she wanted to talk, but she had no idea what to say. She felt at a loss, there was so much she felt like she had to say, but her mind was drawing a complete blank. She looked at Lexa who was observing her quietly, apparently waiting, for what though she wasn’t sure. Was Lexa waiting for her to start, until she was ready, she didn’t know, so she decided to tell her just that. “I don’t know what to say.” She looked apologetically at Lexa, hoping she would understand that it wasn’t that she didn’t want to.

“It’s okay, I’m the one who messed up, I’m the one who didn’t talk before.” Clarke saw the discomfort that was etched on Lexa’s face and it pained her to see. Maybe they were both expecting too much of her, after all she had only been home for a day.

“Lexa,” she started, but Lexa interrupted her.

“No, Clarke, it’s okay. I need to do this.” She sent a soft, sad smile Clarke’s way. “I want to thank you for writing, it meant a lot to me. I know I was closed off before I left and I can’t promise that won’t happen now, I also can’t promise that I will never get scared, screw up. But I am trying, and I have worked really hard and I think I am better at… I don’t even know what to call it, communication, life?” Lexa let out a mirthless laugh and wiped her face, but Clarke still saw her tears. “Don’t worry, I am not repeating the entire embarrassing speech from before.” She laughed again, turning around to grab a tissue and wiped her eyes.

Clarke crawled towards Lexa, wrapping her arms around the girl and pulling her against her. “That speech wasn’t embarrassing, Lexa. I loved it, and I know you’ve been working so hard. Your letters showed me, I see it in everything you do, but more than anything your speech and this moment right now. You’re talking, and of course it’s hard, but you’re still here talking about it with me instead of running away.”

Lexa leaned fully into Clarke’s embrace, hiding her face in the blonde curls and even though she was quiet and sat almost completely still Clarke knew she was crying because she could feel the shoulder of her shirt getting damp. She could feel Lexa shudder as she took another breath, so she pulled her slightly away, cupping her face and wiping tears away with her thumbs. “It’s okay to cry, you don’t have to hide from me.” Clarke felt her own eyes starting to water as she saw the raw vulnerability in Lexa’s eyes. “See,” she laughed as a tear slid down her cheeks, “it’s no big deal.”

Lexa reached up and copied what Clarke had done before, cupping Clarke’s face and stroking her cheeks. “I promised myself I would never make you cry again.”

Lexa looked so sad, but Clarke shook her head. “That’s an impossible promise to keep. I’m going to cry now and then, it’s not your job to make sure that I don’t.”

Lexa shook her head, closing her eyes, her fingers were now almost clutching Clarke’s face.

“Lexa,” Clarke’s voice was quiet as she put her hands over Lexa’s pulling them away from her face and pressing a kiss to each palm, holding them in her hands. “Lexa, listen to me. Crying is not always bad. We cry because we’re scared, or in pain, when something matters. My tears right now they’re not bad. And yours…” She couldn’t finish that sentence she realised, because she didn’t know why Lexa was crying, she had her ideas and suspicions, but she didn’t know and she didn’t want to assume, most of all she wanted Lexa to tell her, to prove once again that she could share.

“Mine aren’t bad either, I don’t think.” Lexa muttered, looking down at her hands that were balled into fists. “It’s like I have been wearing this armour to protect myself, it's what has kept me safe all these years, but it also made me incredibly lonely and now that it’s off I feel so much lighter, but I’m also so scared, I feel so exposed, I don't know what to do.”

Lexa looked up into Clarke’s eyes and she wasn’t crying, but her bottom lip was trembling. Clarke could again she the vulnerability that had triggered her own tears before and she smiled softly trying to reassure the other girl, she didn’t say anything though because she felt like anything she would say would be the wrong thing. So they just sat like this, Lexa trying to slow her breathing and Clarke trying to make sure she felt safe enough. She was watching Lexa close enough to see when a shift in her expression came around, a little more guarded, but also a little more relaxed; with a small smile Lexa said quietly. “Was this okay? After all I don’t know how to do these things!”

Clarke couldn’t help but giggle, remembering when she herself had been sitting on this couch, yelling those exact words to Lexa. Lexa joined her and soon they were both giggling loudly; it felt good to laugh. It was cathartic for both of them, and when the laughter died out they sat cuddled together in a comfortable silence.

When Clarke saw Lexa supressing a yawn she suggested they should go and sleep. Lexa insisted that Clarke take the bed and she would take the couch, but Clarke knew that this was Lexa’s first night back home so she would take the couch and Lexa would sleep in her own bed. After brushing their teeth, they stood in front of the door to Lexa’s bedroom. Clarke laughed as she saw Lexa swinging her arms back and forth. When Lexa looked at her questioningly she just grinned.

“Return of the awkward cinnamon roll?”

At that Lexa rolled her eyes, but laughed as well. “Shut up, Clarke.” She stepped forward, stood on her toes with her arms held behind her back as if she wanted to prevent herself from touching Clarke with any other part than her lips. She leaned in and pressed a kiss to Clarke’s cheek. “Sweet dreams, I’ll see you tomorrow.” And before Clarke could reply Lexa had rushed into her room and closed the door.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So first of all, the end is coming near, you might notice that we finally have a definitive number of chapters namely 22. Part of me feels a little sad for it, but on the other hand I will have finished a multichapter story for the first time, and people will have actually read it!  
> Anyway enough rambling. I know this chapter is kind of short, but I really felt that this needed to be on its own, originally the chapter was longer and other stuff happened, but I felt like it took away from the importance of what happened.  
> Anyway enjoy and as always let me know what you think, feedback is always appreciated!

Clarke groaned, she felt much too tired to be awake. She hid her face into the couch cushions, trying to fall back to sleep. She wasn’t even sure what had woken her up, but she was positive she didn’t care, until she heard a scream. Her eyes flew open, and she was up on her feet before she could even properly assess where the sound had come from. She didn’t know what to do, and then there was another anguished noise, it wasn’t a scream exactly; it came from her old bedroom.

“Lexa,” Clarke gasped and ran to the door, trying to remember everything Raven had taught her about self-defence. She opened the door, half expecting to see some creep holding Lexa down, but there was no one except Lexa and she was sleeping, turned away from the door. For a moment Clarke wondered if she had been dreaming when she heard the screams, but then Lexa let out another wail.

“Please, no!” That’s when Clarke realised Lexa was having a nightmare. Lexa had turned around and even in the dark room Clarke could see her face was twisted into a frown, she was letting out quiet whimpers, trying to grab on to something it seemed.

“Shit,” Clarke muttered to herself as she was sitting down on the edge of the bed. She wasn’t sure what she should do. Did you wake people from their nightmares? Or was that dangerous? Or was that sleep walking? She had no idea, she didn’t want to do the wrong thing, but when the whimpers got louder again Clarke reacted on instinct, she couldn’t let this go on. She crawled closer, placing a hand on Lexa’s shoulder and gently shook her. “Lexa, wake up, you’re having a nightmare.”

But Clarke’s touches only seemed to agitate Lexa more, she twisted and turned, trying to fight her off. “No don’t, please, Costia, I’m sorry.” Lexa had started whimpering again. Clarke was starting to feel desperate, Lexa was clearly in distress she needed to wake up.

“Lexa, wake up!” She hissed, shaking her a little more violently, but it didn’t help, the only thing it seemed to do was make Lexa curl in on herself and start to sob. Lexa was muttering something as well, Clarke had to lean in to hear what she said, but when she did part of her wished she hadn’t. Lexa just kept muttering the same thing “Not Clarke, please, not again, hurt _me_.”

For what might have been the millionth time Clarke could feel her heart break for this beautiful, scared girl. She hated that she was somehow adding to her pain in this dream, she hated Lexa having bad dreams at all. She gave up trying to wake Lexa up though, because it felt like a battle she was destined to lose. She lay down beside Lexa, her hand brushing the sweaty curls from her face, trying to soothe her a little. Surprisingly it worked, because with a start Lexa flew upright, clutching her chest and gasping. She didn’t seem to realise Clarke was there.

“Lexa, are you okay?” Clarke decided not to touch Lexa, even though she desperately wanted to. She wanted to give Lexa her space to sink back into reality, but at the sound of her voice Lexa’s head snapped towards her. She quickly crawled back a little, brushing her hands over her face before placing them back on her chest, her breathing was still a little fast.

“Clarke,” She still sounded a little anxious, “I just, I had a nightmare, no big deal.” Lexa tried to smile, probably to reassure Clarke, but Clarke wasn’t reassured at all.

“It sounded like a very big deal.”

Lexa swallowed, shaking her head, “I have them all the time, it’s nothing, I’m fine, honestly, Clarke, I’m-“ Clarke had put her hand on Lexa’s cheek, the thought of Lexa having to live with these dreams that scared her so much was simply abhorrent to Clarke. “Fine.” Lexa finished her sentence, but at the same time tears were dripping down her cheeks. Lexa turned around, away from Clarke, seemingly muttering more to herself than Clarke, “I’m fine, I’m fine, it’s just a dream, I’m okay, I’m here in my room, I’m not alone, Clarke is with me, I’m fine.”

Clarke would have felt rejected by Lexa’s behaviour if she hadn’t known that this was all Lexa could do not to fall apart, she had seen as much in the look Lexa had had before turning around. Before she could stop herself or even think if it was a good idea she crawled closer to Lexa, tugging her to lay down, fitting her front to Lexa’s back and laying an arm around her waist. She was amazed how well they fit together, and how she could feel Lexa relaxing after a second of increased tension; Lexa seemed to simply sink back into her all softness as she kept muttering her mantra. Clarke just held Lexa for a bit, simply waiting it out, until she felt Lexa interweave their fingers, holding Clarke’s hand on her stomach.

Clarke moved even closer at that, she wanted nothing more than to in this moment than taking care of Lexa, letting her know that she wasn’t alone and that it was going to be okay, even though Clarke realised that the sadness she herself felt must be at least ten times as bad for Lexa. Pressing her face into the mass of brown curls, she brushed them away so she could whisper in Lexa’s ear. “Oh baby, You’re okay, I’m here and you’re not alone, you’re okay now, no one can hurt you.” She gently squeezed the hand that was around Lexa’s on her stomach and mover her other hand to brush Lexa’s hair from her face. She felt Lexa stiffen at her words, before relaxing again and she didn’t repeat the mantra she had needed to before Clarke’s whispered promise.

Clarke had no idea how long they had just lain here. When she thought she felt Lexa shiver she tried to extricate her hand from Lexa’s stomach to grab the blanket that Lexa had tossed off at some point during her nightmare, but Lexa dug her nails into the skin of her arms in reflex. “It’s okay, I’m just going to pull a blanket over us, I don’t want either one of us getting sick.” At that Lexa let go of her, and she let out such a cute, quiet appreciative noise when Clarke pulled the covers over them that Clarke couldn’t stop the smile that appeared on her face. “See isn’t that much better?” She asked, settling herself back in her old spot, hand back on Lexa’s stomach, interwoven with Lexa’s.

“Yes, thank you.” Lexa whispered back, she tried to turn so she could look at Clarke, but Clarke stopped her, keeping her arms tight around her. “I’m sorry for waking you.” Lexa added softly when she realised that Clarke wasn’t going to let her turn around.

“We don’t have to talk about it Lexa, not now, or ever if you don’t want. I just want you to get some sleep right now.”

“And you too, you need sleep too.” Lexa insisted, brushing her fingers over the arm Clarke had wrapped around her in a wonderful way. Clarke closed her eyes and nodded lazily. “Sure, me as well.”

“Are you going to stay here?” Lexa asked timidly.

“If that’s okay with you?”

Lexa nodded and Clarke smiled, shuffling almost imperceptibly closer, her nose pressed into Lexa’s hair. She felt Lexa relax and go completely soft, leaning into her completely as she whispered “then sleep, I’m here, I’ll take care of you.”

* * *

 

Lexa couldn’t remember feeling this comfortable, it was like she was on a cloud under the sun, she felt soft and warm and something else she couldn’t quite put into words. She tried to resist thinking about it too much, because if she did that she would wake up completely and right now, like this she felt utterly content.

That didn’t last long though, because there was a soft noise that was slowly but surely pulling her closer to consciousness. She burrowed her face into the warmth, not wanting to leave this level of comfort yet, but that only caused the sounds to grow louder. By now Lexa was awake enough to actually register the noise and what she heard made her eyes fly open; they were soft, sleepy giggles.

She looked around, disoriented for a second, but as she looked up and saw Clarke’s face everything from last night came rushing back to her. Strangely enough it didn’t make her feel uncomfortable really; this confused her, because the first time she saw Raven after her nightmares she had felt ashamed and extremely uncomfortable. With how she felt about Clarke she had expected this feeling to be intensified a thousand times, but it was the exact opposite. She let out a sigh and cuddled herself closer for a second, but then she realised the position they were in and she flushed, trying to scramble away from Clarke, but unable to because Clarke’s arms were still tight around her.

“What’s wrong?” Clarke tilted her head slightly, and Lexa looked up at her and then back down to their bodies squashed together.

“Isn’t this making you uncomfortable?” Lexa felt like she had to ask, Clarke had been so sweet to her last night, and she really did appreciate it, but she didn’t want to presume too much.

“It’s not, is it making you uncomfortable?” Lexa looked up at the tone of Clarke’s voice and saw a frown on her face, before she could stop herself her thumb was trying to smooth out that spot between her eyebrows.

“No, not at all.” Lexa admitted.

At those words Clarke’s frown completely disappeared and was replaced by a gigantic grin. “Didn’t think so,” she said teasingly, “because you were making the cutest noises earlier and trying to cuddle yourself closer, you were having the time of your life.”

“Was not,” Lexa replied stubbornly, even though she was completely sure that Clarke was right, after all she was still so damn comfortable.

“Were too,” Clarke let out a giggle again, and Lexa couldn’t help but stare at her with a goofy smile at her face; the sound was just too lovely.

“What?”

“Nothing,” Lexa hid her face against Clarke, refusing to tell Clarke something that would break this lovely moment they were having.

“You can’t just go hide back in my boobs whenever I ask a question you know.” Clarke’s voice was light and teasing, but her voice caused Lexa to gasp and bolt upright; because that was exactly what she was doing, she had been pressing her face against Clarke’s boobs. The thought alone made her want to lie back and press her face into them again because it was so damn comfortable, but on the other hand it made her want to die with embarrassment.

“Oh my god I am so sorry, Clarke! I didn’t mean to, I mean I didn’t want to force myself on you, it was an accident, I didn’t realise, I’m so sorry.” Lexa was working herself up, getting more stressed with each word that got out and her hand gestures were getting wilder and wilder until Clarke took hold of both her hands and held them down.

“Lexa, calm down,” at first Lexa had been scared to look at Clarke, but her voice was filled with so much affection that she had to glance at her face to see if she was interpreting this correctly, and she was, at least she thought she was. “If I had minded do you think I would have kept you against me? Granted the way you clutched your arms against your chest and against my midriff while half lying on top of me wasn’t the most comfortable.” Clarke let out a soft chuckle, “but that’s something I have happily endured. It was nice, in bed with you. I slept very well in fact.” Now it was Clarke’s turn to blush slightly and she let go of Lexa’s hands in order to wring her own.

“Yeah?” Lexa felt a spark of hopeful giddiness erupt in her chest at Clarke’s words, but she had to check once at least to make sure.

“Yeah,” Clarke looked up at her, her cheeks were still a little flushed, but the embarrassment had been replaced with fondness as she tucked a strand of hair behind Lexa’s ear. “Come on, let’s have breakfast.”

* * *

 

After getting dressed and heading to the kitchen for breakfast Clarke and Lexa had quickly discovered that they had nothing to make breakfast with. At that Lexa had offered for them to get them doughnuts and coffee, but Clarke decided to come with.

“Come on, Lexa, would you rather I stay up here all by myself, instead of entertaining you while we wait for our order?” Clarke bent over the kitchen counter and leaning her chin on her hands while smiling as brightly and cutely as she could.

“No,” Lexa admitted, “but we’ll have to ask Raven if she wants to come as well.” Lexa was already on her way to Raven’s room before Clarke could stop her.

“Don’t bother, she isn’t there, I texted her, wondering where she was when she didn’t storm your room like me last night, she replied that she crashed at my place. She was too tired when she had dropped the Blakes off at my place so she slept there.”

“Oh, okay,” Clarke had the idea that Lexa had more thoughts on this that she was not letting on, but before she could decide whether or not to ask Lexa, Lexa volunteered the information herself.

“Do you think we chased her off?” Clarke looked at Lexa in confusion.

“What? No. Why would you think that?”

“I don’t know,” Lexa shrugged, looking at her hands that were playing with her keys. “I just would feel awful if she thought she couldn’t come home. It’s awful not to be able to do that.” Lexa seemed to have sunken in some sad memories, she was a million miles away, her beautiful face solemn and kind of sad.

“Hey,” Clarke stepped closer to Lexa, “if you worry about it you have to ask her when she gets back home, but I promise you that no one chases Raven Reyes away.”

“Okay,” Lexa nodded slightly, smiling slightly as she looked at Clarke, “by the way, even if Raven was here she wouldn’t have come running into my room like you did.” Lexa said it so matter-of-factly and then headed out the door, waiting for Clarke to follow, which she did.

“What do you mean, of course she would come, Raven cares about you, Lexa.” Clarke frowned as she caught up with Lexa on the stairs.

“No, you misunderstand, I know Raven cares about me,” that new, shy, genuine smile that Clarke was seeing more and more was making an appearance again. “I care about her as well. I only imply that she would not enter my bedroom if I had a nightmare.”

“Yes, she would,” Clarke insisted, confused to why Lexa seemed so adamant to deny this.

“No, she would not,” Lexa was looking around her, apparently choosing where to go, and she had stopped talking. Clarke let out a frustrated noise, to which Lexa turned to look at her.

“You’re so infuriating sometimes; you know that?”

“I am infuriating? What have I done wrong?”

Clarke rolled her eyes, she had picked up on the weird formality that indicated nerves with Lexa earlier, but she couldn’t see why she would be nervous. “You stop talking, and there is clearly something up and you’re not telling me.” Clarke huffed, grabbing hold of Lexa’s hand though to show that she wasn’t angry, just annoyed.

“I apologise; it was never my intention to annoy you. I just,” Lexa stopped talking again, but this time Clarke decided not to say anything, because Lexa had her eyes closed and it seemed like she was gathering courage to say something, and then it all rushed out, “the reason Raven wouldn’t have been there is because she never comes in when I have a nightmare she used to but I asked her not to because I don’t want her to lose sleep and it is no big deal and if she has to get out of bed to wake me up every night how is she going to do well in school.”

Clarke blinked at Lexa, while Lexa was taking a deep breath, and gave a shaky laugh. “Apparently I can only say everything I want to say in one breath and extremely quickly, sorry.”

Clarke squeezed Lexa’s hand, “every night?” This was all she could think of.

Lexa shrugged, “well, not every night, I’m exaggerating-“

“Are you?” Clarke had a suspicion she wasn’t.

“I don’t know, it differs, I used to have them every night, then they were a lot less frequent for a long time and now,” Lexa shrugged again.

“I can’t believe Raven doesn’t wake you up anymore.”

“I asked her to,” Lexa emphasised,

“still,” Clarke shrugged, and made a mental note to talk to Raven about it later.

“No, not still,” Lexa shook her head, “I specifically told her I didn’t want her to come and wake me up, Clarke. She didn’t want to at first, but she respected my decision in the end; don’t be mad at her, be mad at me.”

“Oh, don’t think I have ruled that out.” Clarke smiled as Lexa looked at her, pulling Lexa in a hug, wrapping her arms around her.

“Why won’t you ever let anyone take care of you.”

“Uh, Clarke,” Lexa muttered, her face pressed into Clarke’s hair, which meant Clarke could feel the warmth of her breath on her neck when she spoke, “we’re in the middle of the sidewalk.”

“Stop changing the subject. Why won’t you let us take care of you?”

Lexa squirmed out of Clarke’s hold. “I just like doing things on my own is all. Come here this coffee shop has the best cinnamon rolls.” Lexa pulled on Clarke’s hand and tugged her inside the shop.

“We’re not done talking about this yet.” Clarke told Lexa and when she saw Lexa wanting to respond she added, “I don’t mean we have to talk about it now, but we will at some point.” At that Lexa nodded.

***

“They’ll get tired,”

“I’m sorry?” Clarke had been in her own world, sipping on her coffee and eating some of her cinnamon roll, she had been looking outside as the people were crossing the street, so she hadn’t been completely focussed when Lexa had started talking. Now however the girl had her full attention and she immediately registered the enormous amount of tension radiating off her. She was completely pulling her cinnamon roll to shreds and she wasn’t looking at Clarke, but rather also staring outside. Lexa let out a soft sigh, before she repeated herself.

“They’ll get tired, they’ll get tired and they’ll leave.”

Clarke wasn’t sure what to say, she understood what Lexa was talking about, but she didn’t know what the right way to respond was. She wanted to tell Lexa that that wasn’t true, that no one would leave her, but she knew that she couldn’t because there was a reason Lexa believed this.

“Lexa,” Clarke’s voice was soft, pleading for Lexa to believe her, “that’s not true.” But Lexa shook her head, her cinnamon roll was nothing then a pile of crumbs, and Clarke could hear tears and panic in her voice.

“It is true, it is! They always get tired, they’ll leave and I’ll be all alone.”

Clarke immediately got up and moved to the other side of the table so she was on the bench beside Lexa, pressing herself against the girl as she wrapped an arm around her, resting her head against Lexa’s, “oh baby,” she whispered softly, Lexa seemed to freeze at those words, but as she gently rubbed over her arm she settled a little, “I know you believe that, and that you have good reason to. But it isn’t true, Anya is still here, looking out for you, and so is Lincoln, and so is Raven and so am I.”

Lexa shook her head slightly, but didn’t say anything, leaning into Clarke’s embrace though, which made Clarke feel better. She waited a little to see if Lexa was going to say anything, but apparently she wasn’t. Clarke took her coffee and what was left of her cinnamon roll so she could stay seated next to Lexa with her arm around her. She pressed a kiss to the top of her head before handing her half of her danish. “I am not going anywhere Lexa, I promise."


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey lovely readers, here we go another update, a long one this time.

Lexa almost ran towards the waiting area in front of Miller’s office. She anxiously glanced at her watch when she sat down, she still had one minute to spare. She let out a relieved sigh, she wouldn’t want Miller to think that she didn’t care about these appointments anymore. It was all Clarke’s fault really. Clarke had offered to drop her off at the hospital before she would head to her mother, even though dropping her off meant just taking the bus together since neither actually had any actual form of transportation. Of course she had been much too early, she didn’t want to be late after all. Clarke apparently knew this because she had gotten out as well and dragged her to the coffee shop across the street. Which had been really nice, so nice in fact that Lexa had forgotten to keep close attention to the time, which was why she was now panting in front of Miller’s office.

“Hey, Lexa come on in.” Lexa got pulled from her reverie by Miller, she smiled, relieved that she had regained her breath again.

“Hi Miller,” She smiled, and marvelled at the fact that she was genuinely pleased to see him. Of course she still was nervous, and sometimes she got angry or defensive or upset, but she trusted him. Miller had proven to her that he could actually help her, that he wasn’t scared of what she had to say, even if she was. He would be there and they would face her feelings together and even if it was hard in the end it would be okay.

“Is there anything you’d like to talk about today?”

Lexa paused a second before shaking her head. There actually was something she wanted to talk about, she had been wanting to talk about it for a few weeks now, but every time she chickened out. Besides it wasn’t like her sessions had been useless in the meantime. Miller had been extremely intuitive in tackling subjects such as her work, friends, and just getting back out there in general. But ever since that night and morning with Clarke when Lexa had just got back home she knew she had to talk about it. So for the past few weeks she had tried to gather her courage to tell Miller that she wanted to talk about Clarke and her own fear of abandonment, her distrust of anyone caring for her. But she never did.

“No? Are you sure?” Miller, in true Miller fashion, seemed more amused than anything, but his tone also told her that there was something going on. He knew more than he let on she thought, but maybe she was just being paranoid. In any case she couldn’t even look at him.

Looking down at her hands she shook her head. “I’m sure, we can, I mean you have, you probably know a good subject.”

Miller let out a chuckle, “sure thing Lexa, I am going to read something to you and then we can discuss it okay?”

Lexa looked up in surprise, Miller had never done that before, but she nodded. Only to gasp in shock when Miller actually started reading.

“ _hi Miller,_

_I hope it is okay that I am emailing you. I know you said it would be okay to send an email when I had to cancel the appointment, but that is not the case now. I just, I have been wanting to speak to you about something for some time now, but I have been putting it off. I thought that if you knew that I wanted to talk about something maybe it would be easier for me to actually bring it up. In any case I hope this isn’t overstepping any boundaries, and if it is my sincerest apologies.”_

“So,” Miller looked at Lexa with the kind of gentle expectation that told her she could say, but that he wouldn’t be upset if she decided she’d rather not talk about it right now. “Does it make it easier?”

Lexa played with her fingers. “I had forgotten about that. I thought it was a good idea at the time.” She sent an apologetic smile towards Miller, but now I’m not so sure.”

Miller nodded, “I can understand, and you know I won’t force you, but I think it is time for a reality check if you choose not to talk about this.”

“Reality check?” Lexa did not like the sound of that at all.

“Yes, look you know how proud I am of you have done in those three months, and I know you have been working hard the last couple of weeks to regain some normalcy in your life. I applaud that, I really do, but you haven’t brought anything up in the three sessions since you came back, and now you choose not to again. And though you have been very cooperative with everything I ask, we are drifting away from your essential problems.”

“We are?” Lexa could feel her nerves slowly turn to anxiety. Was she imagining it or was Miller telling her there was no point in continuing if she didn’t talk about this now?

“Yes, Lexa I can see that you’re panicking, but you need to listen to me, okay?” Miller was clearly waiting for her to acknowledge that she heard him so she nodded.

“Okay, it’s important to make sure things like your jobs, home, friends and family are okay, but in all of those things you’re still dealing with yourself and as long as we don’t tackle those things head on, it will never truly change.”

“You’re right,” Lexa let out a defeated sigh, because she did know that Miller was right, but why was she still so scared? “The thing I wanted to talk to you about is Clarke… well not exactly Clarke, but we had this conversation a while ago.” She looked up at Miller with tears in her eyes, her hands clenched into fists, and Miller looked back so patient and friendly. Part of her wanted to bash his head in for making her do this, but she knew he wasn’t making her do anything, he just made sure she knew it was safe to do this.

“She asked why I would never let someone take care of me.”

“Ahh,” Miller nodded, “that must have been hard for you to talk about.”

“we didn’t, we didn’t really talk about it. I told her that people will get tired and leave, and she said she wouldn’t, but-“ Lexa shook her head, commanding herself not to cry.

“You don’t believe her.” It wasn’t even a question, Miller knew her.

Lexa nodded, “I believe she believes that now, but she’ll get tired of me like everyone else. And then she’ll be gone and Raven and then Anya will finally have enough of me and Lincoln and I’ll be back on the streets, but everyone I knew there will hate me know and and-“

“Lexa.” Lexa’s head snapped up, Miller had never sounded so forceful, as soon as he saw he had her attention he softened a little. “I am stopping your train of thought right now, because it is not helpful and it’s far to black and white. But I do thank you for sharing. I know how hard this topic is, but if it’s okay with you I want to examine the thoughts you just expressed from different angles okay? But first I want to explain you something about your thoughts. Because even though your thoughts are not helpful, and might not even be true, it’s very understandable for you to have them. And that is important to realise. The things you experienced as a kid told you that you have to rely on yourself, that trusting other people was dangerous. It’s one of the ways you found to survive, another one is the idea that experiencing emotions is weakness, that the only way to be strong is to feel nothing. And some more of those thoughts. And like I said it’s understandable that you think that, because it helped you, but now it won’t any longer. Your thoughts are causing you pain right now instead of protecting you.”

Lexa looked at him, offended. “That’s not true,”

“It is.”

“No, it isn’t.”

“Okay answer me this, has Clarke done anything to purposely hurt you so far?”

“I…no, but”

Miller held up his hand “no buts, she hasn’t done anything like that. In fact, I’m pretty sure she has made every effort to make you feel safe. So much so that it actually works sometimes, right?”

Lexa nodded, her arms crossed, she felt petulant, Miller was treating her like a kid.

“Yet how much time have you spent scared of her? Scared of what she will say next, instead of enjoying your time together?”

Lexa was starting to feel infuriated, “It isn’t as easy as that, Miller.”

“Yes, it is.”

“No, it isn’t.” Lexa saw him opening his mouth and that’s when she snapped, her hands in her hair. “Don’t you dare say yes it is! You know nothing about me, you don’t know what it’s like to have someone be your timer person.”

“Yes I do,” Miller rolled up his sleeve to show a zero on his forearm. Lexa stared at it in astonishment.

“But you don’t know what it’s like to have no idea how to act around them so that you won’t mess it up.”

At that Miller chuckled, Lexa glared at him, how dare he chuckle like that?

“Lexa, everyone is scared to act the wrong way in the beginning. I know the books and movies tell you relationships are easy as breathing, but it’s a total lie. You should have seen me with my boyfriend the first few months. I was sure at some point that he was only hanging out with me so he had a fun, embarrassing story to tell on some tv show at some point.”

Lexa gawked at him, her next point would have been that it was hard for her to be in love with a girl, but Miller said boyfriend so he knew. Besides if she was honest that was not the problem at all, it might have been a shock for Clarke to find out she liked girls, but for Lexa it seemed as natural as breathing.

“Well…” But Lexa had nothing more to say, she felt frustrated though, because she had no idea what to do or feel and Miller wasn’t actually helping her. “What do you want me to do?” She asked desperately.

“Talk to her,” Miller answered simply.

* * *

 

“Lexa, is everything alright? You never call.” Clarke was leaning over the kitchen counter, a slight frown on her face. Abby was looking at her instead of continuing chopping the vegetables.

“I am aware; I hope I am not disturbing you.”

“Nah, don’t worry, I am just watching my mom cook.” At that Abby swatted her shoulder. “We’re supposed to be cooking together.” Clarke just rolled her eyes and shushed her.

“Oh, I will call back another time, it can wait.”

Lexa said it could wait, but something in her voice told Clarke maybe it couldn’t, besides this would be the perfect time to reintroduce Lexa to her mother, and she really wanted to see Lexa. But that last thought was not to be acknowledged, because she had seen her just hours ago.

“It doesn’t have to wait, why don’t you come here, we can talk and you can have dinner with us.”

“I don’t, that’s not,” Clarke let out a soft snort.

“Lexa, I can hear your brain short circuiting, but listen to me the fact that you called instead of texted tells me this is something important, and I think that always deserves a face to face. Besides” Clarke turned away from her mom saying quietly, “I really want to see you.”

“Okay,” Lexa’s voice sounded a little breathy, and Clarke couldn’t help but feel proud and happy at that. “How do I get there?”

“Oh don’t worry I’ll just pick you up with my mom’s car. Where are you?”

“At the hospital.”

“Okay, I’ll see you in 20 minutes.”

“Okay, bye Clarke, it was nice to talk to you.”

“Always a pleasure, Cinnabon.” Clarke laughed as she hung up the phone, only to see her mom staring at her.

“What?” she asked indignantly.

“So you’re picking her up and she is coming to dinner?”

Clarke rolled her eyes, “mom, don’t start please.”

“I’m not starting anything, Clarke.” Abby looked at her daughter calmly, “but you can’t blame me for being a little protective when the girl that hurt you comes to dinner.”

“It wasn’t like that,” Clarke let out an exasperated sigh, “it wasn’t her fault, she was just scared. She feels horrible about it, and look she called me to talk, doesn’t that show you that things are different?” Clarke wasn’t quite sure why all of a sudden it was so important that her mom understood, or why she felt this upset at her words.

Abby wrapped her arms around her daughter. “I know, sweetie, I’m sorry. I know that she didn’t do it on purpose, but she still hurt you. But I do see that she is trying, and that you’re happy. And to show you I am trying I have a proposition. Since you are picking her up with the car, I won’t be able to get more groceries, so how about I ask Marcus to come over and have him prepare a meal for the four of us? So it will be less awkward, maybe we could ask if Bellamy and Octavia come too. They know her too right? It will be a little less uncomfortable that way. What do you think?”

“Mom, you’re the best!” She kissed her mother’s cheek, “how do you know that Bellamy and Octavia know Lexa?”

Abby laughed, “well they have been talking her up every chance they got, apparently they think she is incredibly sweet and quite taken with you.

“Ugh, our neighbours are the worst.” Clarke rolled her eyes, but she was grateful to her friends for trying to soften her mom up to Lexa.

***

“Hey, hop on in” Clarke had rolled down the window of the passenger side.

“Hi” Lexa answered as she got in. She smiled at Clarke, but also looked nervous.

“So, just so you know, my mom decided to make a kind of in prompt dinner party of it. My uncle is coming and so are Bellamy and Octavia. Is that okay?” Clarke looked at Lexa, trying to ascertain her reaction. She seemed a little overwhelmed, but she nodded.

“That’s fine.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah,” Lexa nodded, before looking at the palm of her hand, Clarke automatically looked down also, noticing there seemed to be something written down. She looked up questioningly at Lexa who blushed slightly, but opened her hand to show it to Clarke.

“It says ‘I can do this’, Miller advised it, so I can look at it every time I get scared.”

“That’s a lovely thought,” Clarke smiled, tracing the words with the tip of her finger as she held Lexa’s hand, “I wish you didn’t feel scared now though. Why are you scared.”

Lexa swallowed, “well like I said when I called you I wanted to talk, and I do, but that is also scary for me, and now all of those other people are coming and I don’t know if it’s better to do it now or after dinner. Because if I do it now and you’ll be upset that would be awful, but I don’t know if I’ll be such great company if I have to wait till after, because I might be preoccupied.”

Clarke looked up at Lexa with a soft smile, and then in an impulse decision she kissed the words on Lexa’s hand before folding Lexa’s fingers over the words as if to protect it. “You can do this,” she said softly. She had noticed the soft gasping sound Lexa had made when her lips had touched her hand but she had decided not to say anything about it.

“Uh, right” for a second Lexa seemed a little dazed, but then she shook her head, pulling her hand from Clarke’s grasp, “I can’t really concentrate when you’re touching me, I mean” Lexa blushed again, quickly looping a strand of hair behind her ear. “Never mind, what I wanted to talk to you about is, well do you remember when we were at the coffee shop?”

“Lexa, seriously?” Clarke laughed, “of course I remember, that was this morning.”

“No, I mean another time, a few weeks ago when I had just come back.”

Clarke thought for a second, “Oh you mean when-“ But before she could finish her sentence Lexa interrupted, seemingly anxious to get it off her chest.

“Yes that time, I well I told you how scared I am, but we never really talked about it. And I know you wanted to give me my space and I appreciate that so much, but the thing is I don’t want that space. I thought I did, I have always needed my space, but with you I don’t.” Lexa admitted, and though Clarke heard what she said and could sort of understand she wasn’t sure where Lexa was going with this.

“Okay, so let’s talk then.” She smiled at Lexa encouragingly.

Lexa nodded, “well I told you I get scared that people get tired of me and leave, and you know why, well you don’t exactly know why, after all I don’t even know why, not really, but you know of stuff that happened in my past.” Lexa glanced up at Clarke to see if she was still following, and Clarke nodded. “Right, so you said that you wouldn’t leave,” Clarke could feel her heart thundering in her chest, she was fairly sure what Lexa was going to say, but she wasn’t sure if she could handle Lexa telling her that she didn’t believe her. “And I believe that you believe you won’t, and I want to believe you, and I even do believe you for the most part, and that makes me so happy, but also very scared. Because I have never had this before, with anyone.”

Clarke gasped, not exactly at the words, though they meant so much to her, but Lexa had looked up at her, those mysterious green eyes were showing that side of Lexa she didn’t often get to see, this raw vulnerable girl, the girl Lexa was, scared, maybe a little broken, a girl who could be crushed with a single swat if Clarke hit the right spot. But instead of even thinking about it, all it did was make Clarke want to take care of Lexa.

She wrapped her arms around Lexa and hugged her so tight as if that was going to hold them together. She could feel a few tears rolling down her cheeks. “I’m so happy you told me.” Clarke whispered, “I won’t leave Lexa, not unless you really want me to. But you have to promise me something too.”

Clarke pulled away a little, her arms still around Lexa’s shoulders, and Lexa’s arms around her waist, but now they were at least able to see each other. “Promise that you won’t shut me out again, I know you’ve been trying your best not to do so and I appreciate it so much. And I know it’s hard sometimes to say the things you want to say. But if there is something on your mind and you are scared to tell me maybe you can, I don’t know, text it to me?”

Lexa chuckled softly at that. “Lexa, I am serious you know.”

“Oh I know,” Lexa’s eyes widened at the implication, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to imply, it’s just that’s sort of what I did with Miller. I emailed him that I wanted to talk about something, but that I was scared, so he could help me.”

“ _You_ wanted to talk about this?” Clarke’s voice was rough with emotion, she didn’t even really understand herself why this was so important to her, but it was. The fact that Lexa had chosen to talk about this with Miller meant so much.

Lexa nodded, “I told you, I do want it all, I want you to know me and I want to know you, I’m just scared.”

“Right, I guess I should say sorry for thinking the worst of you this time.” Clarke smiled, leaning in a little. She had taken a hold of Lexa’s hand and gently tugged on it, encouraging her to lean in too. It was a little uncomfortable to be turned like this in her seat, but she didn’t care about that. All she could think about was how Lexa was opening up to her, how she could feel their connection strengthening.

Clarke looked in Lexa’s eyes, and green eyes looked back at her; she could see that Lexa too felt their connection. Clarke’s gaze flickered from Lexa’s eyes to her full, pouty lips. She slowly leaned in closer, giving Lexa time to tell her if she didn’t want this, but when Lexa didn’t Clarke put her hand on the back of Lexa’s neck, holding her still as she pressed their lips together. She put Lexa’s bottom lip between her own, kissing it softly a few times and then tugging on it a little. She heard and felt Lexa’s soft gasp, but instead of taking advantage of this moment to deepen the kiss, she kept her kisses light and sweet, moving to her upper lip next and giving it the same treatment as her bottom one.

“Clarke,” Lexa whispered breathily, and Clarke opened her eyes to see if Lexa was okay, if maybe she wanted it to stop, even though it was the last thing Clarke wanted to do. But she saw Lexa with her eyes closed and a smile on her face. She looked so content that Clarke just shushed her, she brushed her nose along Lexa’s cheek, pressing soft kisses to the corner of her mouth.

“Ssshhh, baby,” Clarke smiled slightly when she felt Lexa relax and lean into her further, and pulling Clarke closer by the collar of her shirt. Lexa was kissing back now, meeting Clarke’s open mouthed kisses with kisses of her own, making these soft happy noises that made Clarke feel a little weak. She felt like she could sit here kissing Lexa forever, she tried to focus on the moment, wanting to remember it forever. All thought of that went out of the window though when she felt Lexa swipe the tip of her tongue over Clarke’s bottom lip, seemingly asking if it was okay.

Clarke responded with a groan, her other hand moving up to join her first around the nape of Lexa’s neck, effectively trapping the girl against her. Lexa interpreted the noises and movements as an okay and let her tongue meet Clarke’s. Clarke could feel her breathing speed up as she felt Lexa’s tongue move with hers. She had known that Lexa was a good kisser and that her and Lexa were a great match kissing wise, but she wondered if three months had made her forget just how good Lexa really was, or that Lexa had gotten even better. Because this felt absolutely amazing.

Clarke enjoyed this playful Lexa, this sexy Lexa, this Lexa that pulled a little harder on her collar, that teased her a little and making her feel so good. She couldn’t help but groan into their kiss, which apparently seemed to spur Lexa on further because she only got more passionate. Their kiss had turned hungrier and Clarke could feel her body starting to come alive with need. She moved her hands into Lexa’s hair. She knew they needed to stop this, or else things would get too intense too fast, but how could she stop if Lexa was doing what she was doing right now and it felt so good?

Then her phone rang and both of them flew apart like they had been caught. They were both panting like they had run the marathon, and when Clarke looked at Lexa her eyes were as dark and hungry as she was sure her own were too.

“Wow,” Lexa whispered, and Clarke could only agree, but before she could say anything her phone rang again.

“What mom?” she rolled her eyes playfully at Lexa mouthing _'mothers'_.

“No, I just I had to find my phone that’s why I’m a little out of breath… yeah sure.”

Clarke looked at Lexa with a slight blush on her cheeks. “My mom asked if we would bring a bottle of wine too.” Then Clarke let out a giggle, she hadn’t looked at Lexa fully before.

“What?” Lexa seemed surprised, but Clarke just shrugged, moving her hand to fix Lexa’s hair.

“Your hair looked a little too mussed for a simple car ride.”

* * *

 

“Lexa, you’re the worst, you know that.” Clarke smirked at her, and bumped their hips as she stood beside her with a dishtowel in hand, while Lexa was washing the pans.

“Why?” Lexa looked questioningly at her, she knew Clarke was kidding, it was clear in everything, from tone of voice to her attitude, but she was still curious as to what Clarke meant.

“Guests don’t customarily do the dishes. They offer, but when the lady or gentleman of the house insists they don’t have to they graciously accept and drink tea or something.”

Lexa rolled her eyes, “your mom and your uncle had done so much already, besides look how many pots and pans there are used, and your uncle did say they were not dishwasher proof.”

Now it was Clarke’s turn to roll her eyes, “don’t listen to uncle Marcus, Lexa. He is a chef, they’re weird about their pans.”

“Well it was my fault that they had to do all this, if I hadn’t come over…”

“Well then technically it’s my fault,” Clarke prompted.

“That’s why you’re helping,” Lexa smirked at her reply, causing Clarke to narrow her eyes a little, sliding her hand in the back pocket of Lexa’s jeans and giving it a squeeze, which caused Lexa to let out a squeak.

Clarke was amazed at the lightness between her and Lexa, she had hoped things would be different when Lexa returned, but she realised now that she hadn’t had as much faith in it as she thought or even as she should have had.

She felt happy and comfortable; it made her stand behind Lexa, sneaking her own arms under Lexa’s and wrapping them across her stomach, resting her chin on Lexa’s shoulder. “But this dinner wasn’t so bad, right?”

She smiled when she felt Lexa relax and shrug “it was okay. I still think your mom doesn’t like me though.”

“That’s not true, she just doesn’t know you, that’s all.”

“Hmmm,” Lexa nodded, but it didn’t sound like she agreed. Clarke could sense that it might be bothering Lexa more than she let on right now, and decided that a distraction was in order. She turned her head, pressing her lips to Lexa’s cheek a few times. She felt elated when she could feel Lexa starting to smile, and rest the back of her head on Clarke’s shoulder. She decided that meant she could go a little further, she moved to let her lips follow the line of Lexa’s jaw.

Lexa’s hands had let go of the pans and dishes and she placed them on top of Clarke’s hands, gripping them slightly. She let out a soft noise that was a mix between a suppressed moan and a content hum when Clarke moved from her jaw to her throat.

“Clarke,” Lexa whispered hoarsely

“Yes?” Clarke murmured with her lips still pressed against the skin of Lexa’s throat, which caused Lexa to gasp.

“We shouldn’t, you need to stop.”

“Oh really?” Clarke pulled her lips to raise an eyebrow questioningly, smirking when Lexa could only barely suppress looking disappointed. “See you don’t want to stop, and I don’t either. It’ll be fine, a short break.” Clarke restarted her kiss trail from Lexa’s jaw down to her throat.

“Clarke,” Lexa’s voice was a little louder this time, but still not forceful, it sounded more like a breathy whine. “I am trying to make a good impression on your mom, I don’t want her to think I wasn’t serious about helping.”

“Oh trust me, I don’t doubt for a second it’s Clarke’s fault the dishes aren’t done yet.”

Lexa didn’t think she had ever moved as fast as she had at hearing Abby’s voice. Within the first three words she had managed to unwrap herself from Clarke’s grasp and was now standing three meters away from her, as far as she could be in this kitchen. She could feel heat radiating from her face and was sure she looked extremely crimson, and she was unsure what to do. She stared at Clarke, begging for help. Clarke herself looked a little flushed as well, but thankfully saved her from embarrassment by engaging her mother.

“Mom, that’s a very rude thing to say to your only daughter you know.”

Abby smiled at that, wrapping an arm around Clarke and pressing a kiss to the side of her head. “I only say this because you’re my favourite daughter and I love you so very much.” Then she turned towards Lexa, “thanks for helping out Lexa, but the rest is just going in the dishwasher, my brother be damned.”

Lexa nodded, unable to stop staring at the way Abby had her arm wrapped around Clarke so casually, and how normal her affection was to Clarke. She was shocked to find that she was jealous; she was jealous of the comfort between Clarke and her mom. She wished she had had that with her own mother. Lexa was shocked at these thoughts. She had never really considered that she might have missed having her mother around. She had always focussed on how awful her mother was and wanting to be away from her, that she hadn’t considered that part of her also wanted her around. She wasn’t quite sure what to do with these feelings; she didn’t know how to process them, what to say or how to act.

But now that she saw Clarke and Abby talk and hug, Lexa realised that she was jealous. It wasn’t even a little, it was a deep jealousy, not in a way that she wanted to do take Clarke’s place, but the kind of jealousy that made you feel extremely sad that you hadn’t had the same experience, the kind that makes you imagine how it would have felt to have that. She could feel her emotions getting more intense as her breathing started to quicken, but before she could get into a full panic attack she felt a hand on her shoulder. And when she looked up she saw two aces filled with concern looking back at her.

“Lexa, are you alright?” Lexa nodded at Abby’s question, it was all she was able to do.

“You sure?” Lexa nodded again, not trusting herself to speak just yet.

“How about I show Lexa the garden, mom?”

“Yeah okay sure, when you two get back we’ll have some tea, maybe do a game of charades. I’m sure Octavia and Bellamy will have had enough of Marcus’s chef stories by then.” Abby placed a last kiss on Clarke’s hair and left the kitchen.

“Come,” Clarke had taken hold of Lexa’s hand and was leading her to the back yard and patio.

In the meantime, Lexa had managed to get her breathing back under control. She hadn’t been this close to a panic attack in a long time. She reminded herself to thank Miller for his breathing exercises, they really did work.

When they arrived outside both of them leaned on the fence that surrounded the patio, still holding hands though. Lexa was impressed with Clarke’s ability to just stay quiet. It was a side of the blonde she hadn’t seen a lot of before. Eventually it became too much for Clarke to bear though, she let her thumb rub soothing circles on the back of Lexa’s hand.

“Do you want to talk about what happened? Was it the kissing, was I being too forward?” Clarke sounded worried. This was something Lexa hadn’t anticipated; she hadn’t realised that Clarke might interpret her minor freak out completely different from what it actually was. Clarke usually was so intuitive about what was bothering her. She immediately felt the need to reassure her.

“No, of course not,” Her voice was soft, and sad even Lexa could hear it, so she tried to smile, “I really enjoyed that part, you know the kissing.” And in saying that she stopped trying and actually smiled as she glanced towards Clarke, seeing her answering her smile with one of her own.

“Yeah?” Clarke breathed softly.

“Hmmm,” Lexa nodded in agreement.

“Then what? I don’t understand one moment everything seemed fine, and the next you were having a panic attack.”

“I didn’t have a panic attack,” Lexa frowned slightly, she was immensely proud that she had managed not to get that far.

“Alright fine, you _almost_ had a panic attack,” Clarke rolled her eyes.

“It’s stupid,” Lexa muttered, now that the situation had dissipated Lexa felt silly for her feelings, “promise you won’t laugh?”

“Promise, and I’m sure it isn’t stupid at all.”

Lexa opened her mouth to tell Clarke, but no sound came out, she closed her eyes in frustration, taking another breath and trying again, but nothing happened. Why couldn’t she do this? That’s when Lexa turned to Clarke, leaning into her, with her arms still protective in front of her chest, but she did take hold of Clarke’s collar. Clarke seemed shocked for a moment but quickly wrapped her arms around Lexa and held her tight.

“I felt jealous when your mom told you she loved you.” Lexa whispered into the blonde curls, moving her head so her face was resting against the crook of Clarke’s neck.

“Oh baby,” Clarke whispered with more care than Lexa had ever heard from anyone when speaking to her. Clarke tightened her arms around her and swayed them slightly. They just stayed like that for a while, both of them lost in their own thoughts, feeling comforted by each other’s presence.

“I like it when you say that.” Lexa muttered eventually.

“Hmmm?”

“I like when you say ‘oh baby’, I like it very much.” Clarke tugged a little on Lexa’s shoulders to see her expression, and Lexa was sure that Clarke could see the vulnerable honesty and the slight flush.

“You do? Why?” Clarke’s question came from sincere curiosity Lexa could tell, and that made it a little easier to admit. “It makes me feel cared for,” Lexa admitted, ‘it makes me feel lo- like I matter,” Lexa flushed at what she almost had said, but she didn’t think Clarke had noticed, because all Clarke did was hug her even tighter, resting her head on top of Lexa’s.

“You do matter, and I care about you so much,” she told Lexa, and Lexa simply closed her eyes, letting Clarke’s hug and words wash over her.

***

“Ahh there are the two lovebirds,” Bellamy grinned, causing Lexa to flush, but Clarke simply aimed a kick at him.

“Shut up, Bellamy,” Octavia chimed in, smiling kindly at Lexa, who returned the smile.

“Clarke, there is no kicking in this house,” her mom scolded gently.

“But mom he started it!” Clarke sounded so whiny that Lexa actually looked up to see if she was serious, but she seemed to have a smile on her face still.

“No buts,” Abby simply responded, unaware of Bellamy sticking out his tongue behind to Clarke behind her back.

Lexa stared at the scene, completely bewildered by what was happening. She was so engrossed in trying to analyse what was going on that she felt a little startled when she fell a hand tuck her down to the couch.

Marcus leaned in, “confused as to what’s going on?” He sounded nice and genuine so Lexa nodded, hoping he could give her some insight.

“Here we see proof that kids, no matter how old they are resume their role as kid when they are back at their parents’ house.”

Lexa smiled, trying to imagine a much smaller Clarke, she had seen some pictures around the house, whining against her mom. “That explains Clarke, but what about Bellamy?” She whispered back at Marcus. Before Marcus could answer though, Octavia had inserted herself into the conversation.

“Oh Bellamy is just always this immature.” Causing the three of them to laugh, and the other three to turn their attention to them.

“What’s so funny?” Clarke asked suspiciously, but none of the three were going to clue them in and just laughed a little harder.

“Fine,” Clarke huffed, “if that’s how it is then I guess the teams for trivial pursuit are already chosen.” Clarke threw herself on the couch opposite of them demonstratively, pulling Bellamy and her mom beside her.

For a second Lexa panicked, would Clarke be angry with her, is that why she didn’t want to be on her team. Lexa hadn’t really considered that it had been a possibility that she wouldn’t be on the same team as Clarke. But then she managed to calm herself, Clarke was just making a joke, this was normal. She sneaked a glance at Clarke to be sure and when Clarke gave her a wink she decided that she was just being silly.

“So, Lexa I hope you’re good, because Bellamy’s immaturity gives him a definite edge, he doesn’t care how stupid he looks and he always wants to win.” Octavia told her.

“Well so do I”, Lexa replied back with a grin.

***

“Next time you’re on my team, Lexa,” Clarke nudged her playfully. They were sat in the car outside of Lexa’s apartment building.

“Why? We lost,” Lexa pouted. She had tried her best, but Bellamy was extremely good and Marcus had been quite lousy, but she still had fun. Lexa hadn’t really done things like this before, playing games as a family. She quite liked it.

“But you looked incredibly cute doing it,” Clarke grinned, making her voice sound extremely flirtatious.

Lexa blushed slightly, before Clarke asked, “did you have fun though? I mean it wasn’t too much, after you know the patio?”

Lexa shook her head, “it was great, Clarke, I really liked it.”

“I’m glad,” Clarke looked down at her phone, pouting a little when she looked up again. “I wish I could sit here with you forever, but my mom wants her car back.”

“Okay,” Lexa nodded, getting out of the car. She was still at war with herself; she had been gathering her courage the entire car ride for this and she had to do it now because Clarke was leaving. She decided to just throw caution to the wind and ran around the car, knocking on the window. Clarke rolled it down, looking surprised.

“Yes? What’s up?”

“Clarkedoyouwanttogoonadatewithme?”

“Sorry?”

Lexa took a deep breath, “would you like to go on a date with me?”

“A date?”

“A date,” Lexa confirmed.

“A real date?”

“Yes, Clarke, a real date, this Saturday.”  Lexa’s nerves made her a little less patient than she would usually be.

Clarke leaned out the window, pressing a soft kiss to Lexa’s lips, “I’d love to go on a proper date with you this Saturday.”

“Can I see you before then too?” Lex didn’t want to sound needy, but she had very much grown accustom to seeing Clarke a lot.

Clarke simply grinned, “of course, you didn’t think you’d get rid of me that easily? Raven invited me to dinner tomorrow. Don’t worry I’ll cook.” She added when she saw Lexa’s eyebrows rise at the thought of Raven cooking. “When you get back from your first full day of work, dinner will be ready and waiting for you. Now you’d better go in because you have a roommate who is almost falling out of the window.” Clarke waved and when Lexa looked up she saw Raven pressing herself against the window to see what was going on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're getting close to the end, you guys.  
> Up next Clexa datenight, who is excited about it?
> 
> Anyway as always let me know what you think, I welcome any and all constructive feedback.  
> (Seriously, you guys have no idea how incredibly happy I am every time I get a notification that someone took the time to comment).


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know 3 weeks, I'm sorry.  
> I have no excuse other than that this chapter was so much harder to write than I innitially thought. I have had three versions of it and all were not good enough before this one came along and I am somewhat satisfied. I think I just wanted it to be too perfect, and that's never a good way to encourage creativity.

****

“Raven, I can’t believe you convinced me to buy this. I can’t wear this; I’m coming back right now. Please call Clarke to let her know.” Lexa was standing in front of Clarke’s door and she felt absolutely ridiculous. She couldn’t understand how she had let Raven convince her to buy a dress, especially this dress. In the store it had seemed a good idea; she wasn’t one to wear dresses a lot, but she had wanted to look special. Raven had been complimenting her, and the lady from the store as well, and Lexa herself had liked it too, but she couldn’t fathom why now.

“What’s wrong with the dress, Cinnabon, you look sexy as hell. Did you spill on it?”

“I didn’t spill anything, I look ridiculous. People are staring at me; they think I’m some kind of attention-seeker.” Lexa was starting to feel her anxiety level rise as all those thoughts were popping up in her head. What if Clarke would think that too? She didn’t think she would be able to handle that very well.

“Lexa,” Raven’s voice had a hind of exasperation in it, “we have had this discussion less than an hour ago. You look amazing, the combination of leather and a princess collar is perfect for you. You are just nervous. You wore ten different outfits and you still felt you looked ridiculous remember?”

Lexa felt herself calm down a little at Raven’s words. It was true, she had even tried on her favourite pair of jeans and a shirt, but she had still felt uncomfortable, so much so that she almost wondered if she wasn’t getting sick. In the end Raven had convinced her to wear the dress and she knew Raven wouldn’t let her go out looking completely ridiculous. But doubts still plagued her mind. “But Clarke-“

“No, no more buts from you, you have lost your but-ing right by being crazy. Listen to me; Clarke is going to love whatever you wear. You could have gone in your sweatpants and she still would have thought you were the best dressed girl around. She doesn’t care what you look like, but she will love this. Now where are you? Are you there yet?”

“Yes,” Lexa mumbled quietly. She had been standing here for a few minutes already, but she had been too scared to ring the doorbell.

“Okay, so take a deep breath, you look amazing. You got your flower?”

“Yeah I got it.”

“Alright then Cinnabon, I am going to hang up now, you’re going to ring the doorbell and you are coming straight to my room when you get home. And if you don’t you will text me!”

“Raven, we’re not, I’m not-“

“You will text me if you don’t come home tonight.”

“Okay, I’ll text you, promise.”

“Good, now ring that doorbell.”

“Okay, and Raven? Thanks.”

“Any time, Cinnabon.”

Lexa hung up the phone and smiled a little; Raven’s protectiveness and slight mom attitude reminded her of Anya sometimes, but Anya was her sister, her family. She had had to take care of Lexa because that’s what family did. But not Raven, Raven did this on her own, and Lexa was fairly sure this meant they were friends, real friends.

She lifted her hand to the doorbell with Clarke’s name beside it. Why was it this hard to actually press it. She could just feel all those nerves Raven had temporarily taken away rush back. When she had asked Clarke on a date with her she had really been looking forward to it. She had felt confident that she would think of a perfect date, but the more time had passed the more nervous and less confident she had gotten. Waiting here wasn’t going to do her any good either, because even though part of her wanted to run back home and hide under the covers she knew she wasn’t going to because she wanted this date with Clarke more. This was their start, well the sequel of the start.

“Come on, Lex, you can do this.” She had her hand close to the doorbell when the door opened. This startled Lexa enough to jump back in surprise and clutch her chest.

“Hey Lexiloo, whatcha doing?”

Lexa’s eyes immediately focussed on the source of the voice, which was an absolutely beautiful looking Clarke, who leaned against the doorway, looking at her with a slight smirk.

“I I I…” Lexa had made the mistake of letting her gaze move from Clarke’s face down her body, and now she could hardly even remember what she was trying to say. Clarke looked absolutely beautiful in a short, white dress that would have made her look like an angel if it hadn’t been for the way it fitted her curves, and focussed your eye on the most beautiful, sinful cleavage Lexa had ever seen.

“Lex,” Clarke pulled her out of her stunned boob appreciation with a smile, “you’re staring.”

This caused Lexa to flush red, “I’m so sorry,” she started to stammer, “you just look so beautiful and your dress, I really do apologise, I just you” she moved her arms up and down towards Clarke, indicating her appearance and shook her head to clear some of that hazy mist that had been hanging around there.

Clarke let out a soft chuckle, “it’s okay, and I am glad you like my dress, because you,” and the way Clarke had said you made Lexa focus her gaze back to her face, only to see Clarke licking her bottom lip, “look stunning. You should wear a dress more often. Is that for me?”

“Hmmm?” Lexa had been too dazed by the entire situation to be completely present in the conversation. Clarke had dressed up like this for her! Clarke thought she looked good in her dress, she could almost hug herself with glee. Then Clarke’s last words seemed to land and Lexa looked down at her hand that had a single sunflower in it. She nodded shyly, stretching out her arm to hand it over to Clarke, unable to completely meet her eye, but sneaking glances up at Clarke’s face to try and gauge her reaction. Lexa had done it quite impulsively; Raven and Anya had teased her mercilessly, before assuring her that it was really sweet.

Luckily Clarke seemed to think so too because her smile brightened even further as she lifted it up to her face and sniffed it. ”Thanks Lexiloo, I love it! And let me guess, a sunflower because my hair is like sunshine, right?” She grinned and twirled a loose, blonde curl around her finger          

Lexa’s eyes widened slightly, she hadn’t expected Clarke to out rightly ask right away the meaning behind the sunflower. That was not how it went in movies, people smiled and hugged and maybe even gave the other a kiss when they got flowers. People didn’t go and ask why this particular flower. She should have gone with a rose, then there wouldn’t have been this questions, but that wouldn’t have been right. Lexa had taken a long time before finally deciding what flower to get. She also realised she owed Clarke an answer so she shook her head.

“No?” Clarke’s head tilted slightly in question, “you going to tell me? Or do I need to keep guessing because we then we’ll be here all night.”

Lexa looked down at her dress, trying to smooth out a non-existent crease. “A sunflower symbolises adoration and dedication.” She had said it very quietly, and she hadn’t even been sure if it had even been hard enough for Clarke to hear; but the gasp and the fact that Clarke had her arms wrapped tight around her within seconds made her think she heard.

“Lexa,” Clarke’s voice was but a whisper in her ear and it made her shiver. “Thank you, I love it so much,” Clarke pressed a kiss to Lexa’s cheek. “I am going to put it in water, grab my jacket and bag and then we’ll go alright?”

***

Lexa kept sneaking glances at Clarke, who was seemingly enjoying her food. Was she doing a good job? She wasn’t sure, after all she never really had had a first date. Well she had had dates with Costia, but they had known each other for so long already it was completely different than this. She felt like she should be making conversation, but what was she supposed to say? There was so much she wanted to tell Clarke, to show her, but she didn’t know how or where to start. Every time she opened her mouth her brain would freeze and she would quickly shut it again.

“Miss, is there something wrong with your food?”

Lexa looked up in surprise as a waiter had come over. “I’m sorry?”

“I noticed you have hardly eaten anything and I wondered if maybe there was something wrong with it, because if so then I can take it back and get you something new, on the house of course.” He sent her a bright smile, while waiting for her answer.

“Oh,” Lexa looked down at her plate in surprise, she hadn’t even fully realised there had been food there. Lexa blushed slightly at herself, she must have looked like an idiot for that waiter to come to their table and ask. “Uhm no it’s fine, thank you though.”

“Are you sure? Or maybe you want a free refill? Your wine glass looks a little empty.”

“I…” She looked at her wineglass, seeing it was still half full, which made her even more confused. She looked up at Clarke in hopes that she could explain what was going on because Lexa was getting the feeling something was going on that she had no idea of. Clarke however wasn’t looking at Lexa; her eyes were fixed on the waiter in what seemed to be a mixture of annoyance and anger.

“ _My date_ seems to have enough still; however, I could use a little more.” She indicated her own glass, while she took hold of Lexa’s hand on the table, giving it a squeeze.

The guy turned his face slowly towards Clarke, muttering a little stiffly “of course” as he took her glass and walked off.

Lexa raised an eyebrow in confusion as she caught Clarke’s gaze, “that was weird right? I wonder what that was all about.”

At that Clarke let out a laugh, “isn’t it obvious?”

Lexa shook her head, not answering as the guy came back and put Clarke’s glass back on the table. Lexa had been too focussed on Clarke’s features and the feel of her hand to really be conscious of the fact that something was going on until she felt Clarke’s grip tightening on her fingers. That caused her to look down at their hands, putting her other hand on top of Clarke’s so it was caught between both her hands.

“Ugh that guy is the worst, he is not getting a tip.” Clarke huffed, taking a deep drink from her glass.

“What did he do? I thought he was very polite.”

“Sure you would think that.” Clarke pulled her hand back and crossed her arms, but there was still a twinkle in her eyes.

“What? Why, what do you mean?”

“He was hitting on you, Lexa.” Clarke rolled her eyes.

“No, he wasn’t.” Part of Lexa wanted to laugh at the ridiculous notion, but another part of her flushed at the thought that Clarke might be jealous. Could that be what she sensed, that Clarke felt jealous at the thought that a random guy might be flirting with her?

“Yes he was!”

“Are you jealous?” Lexa teased

“Can you blame me? Asking if your food was okay and the smile he sent you when he brought me my wine. He didn’t even look at me. Ugh, revolting.” Clarke shuddered with disgust.

“He was looking at me? I didn’t notice, I was too busy looking at you.” At that Lexa flushed slightly and looked down a little before looking up at Clarke again, seeing her slight annoyance replaced by a sweet smile.

“You know just how to appease me.”

* * *

 

Dinner had been lovely, even though their waiter had been a total douche canoe. Just thinking about that punk made Clarke want to roll her eyes as she took a hold of Lexa’s hand as they walked, letting it swing back and forth in between them.

“So where are we going now?” Clarke wondered.

“You’ll see.” Lexa smiled brightly and seemed so much more calm and confident than she had been all evening that Clarke decided to just wait it out. Part of her felt bad that Lexa had felt so incredibly nervous. She worried about it a little, Lexa had hardly eaten any of her food and she hadn’t said a lot. Of course they had talked, about a wide variety of stuff, but it had been chit-chat. Somehow Clarke had this feeling that Lexa hadn’t really been talking. She couldn’t explain it, like Lexa had been trying really hard to make sure everything was perfect, to be the perfect date, without realising that all she had to do to be just that for Clarke was to be herself.

All of a sudden they stopped, Lexa was moving to step on the grass.

Clarke gently pulled Lexa back on the stone. “Lex, what are you doing? I am not wearing the right shoes or dress for grass-walking or sitting.”

“Please?” Lexa turned around and looked at her with a combination of such innocence, happiness and those damn pouty lips that she couldn’t say no. If that girl only knew how easily she could persuade Clarke.

“Okay, fine,” Clarke rolled her eyes and bent down to take off her shoes, “but there better be a good reason.”

“Oh there is, at least…” Clarke saw uncertainty take over in Lexa’s mind as her smile faltered. She tugged on Lexa’s hand, hard enough to pull the girl stumbling in her embrace. Lexa swallowed thickly as their faces were only centimetres apart, she finished her sentence with hitching breath “at least I th-think it’s a good reason.”

Clarke smiled, brushing the tip of her nose along Lexa’s, she had already dropped her shoes to cup Lexa’s cheek. “If you believe it’s a good reason then it is. I trust you.” She placed a soft kiss to those soft, pink lips. She was so thrilled that she could do this now, sometimes she could hardly believe it. And if she had to guess then it would be that Lexa was thrilled too because she could feel the other girl hum against those lips, before pulling away and whisper slightly flustered.

“That was very nice, thank you. I, we, you, I mean, I think we should not kiss now because otherwise I will forget what I wanted to show you.”

Clarke smiled, brushing the flush on Lexa’s cheek with her thumbs, following it with soft kisses, moving to her ear. “If you insist,” She pulled away, smirking as she watched Lexa blink rapidly a few times. When Lexa saw her smirk though she got a soft push against her shoulder, while Lexa tried and failed to glare, making Clarke’s grin even wider.

“You did that on purpose.”

“Guilty,” Clarke winked to Lexa, “consider it pay back for that flirting waiter.”

“Clarke,” Lexa sighed and rolled her eyes, but she couldn’t keep up the act, she let out a giggle. “If kissing is your payback maybe I should get you to believe people are flirting with me more often.”

Clarke’s mouth dropped at the audacity “Oh don’t you dare!” She pulled Lexa in her arms, Lexa’s back to her front, wrapping her arms around the girl holding her tight. “Because if you do, I can play dirty too.” She moved her lips to ghost the shell of Lexa’s ear, then moving down tracing Lexa’s jawline and her neck, before moving back to her ear. She grinned to herself as she could hear Lexa’s breathing speed up. She moved her lips back to the shell of Lexa’s ear, whispering “and my dirty, really is the dirtiest you have ever seen.” She gently nipped Lexa’s earlobe before letting go, smiling smugly to herself and saying with an extra bright voice. “Okay now what were you going to show me?”

“I…” Clarke looked at Lexa with raised eyebrows, silently daring her to say anything, but Lexa seemed too dazed to really notice it or engage. Lexa shook her head a second, “right, come.” She smiled as she took a hold of Clarke’s hand and took her across the grass.

“A tree, Lexa, all this for a tree?”

“Will you just come sit down next to me?” Lexa sounded irritated as took off her jacket and lay it on the ground for Clarke to sit on.

“Hey, what’s got you so wound up? I was just teasing.” Clarke looked at Lexa as she sat down, frowning when she saw the tense look on her face. Lexa was clearly very nervous about something. “Which looking at you now was probably not the smartest thing to do right now.” She tried to win over Lexa with an apologetic smile. Lexa frowned a little and took Clarke’s hand, pressing a kiss to it, which made Clarke smile.

“I’m sorry for snapping at you. I am just a little nervous, okay a lot nervous,” she said when Clarke raised a brow, “it’s just, this is _the_ tree.”

Lexa was looking at her, but Clarke had no idea what to say, she had no idea what Lexa meant by the tree. It obviously was something important to her, but she couldn’t think of a single story of a tree. For a second she felt sick, wondering if this was where she and Costia had gotten attacked, but then she remembered that Lexa had said they were walking down a street. “ _The_ tree?” She ended up asking carefully, deciding that asking was better than pretending.

“This is my favourite tree,” Lexa explained, tracing patterns on the back of Clarke’s hand, which caused goose bumps to erupt all over her body, “it’s the tree I sat underneath admiring my timer when I first got it, where I sat and decided to get my life together.”

Lexa turned her hand around, showing the small zero on her wrist. Clarke looked down at it, brushing her thumb over the number and only looked up when she heard Lexa’s sharp intake of breath. Clarke looked into those expressive green eyes and saw the nerves there. Lexa was clearly trying to suppress her anxiety, her breathing was fast and Clarke was sure it wasn’t just from her touching the other girl. That’s when she remembered Lexa telling about this tree. Lexa was scared, she was showing Clarke part of her past, leaving herself vulnerable. She had told Clarke stuff by letter, but this was the next step, sharing in real life. Lexa was opening up and she had to be scared as fuck.

Clarke felt the overwhelming need to reassure this beautiful girl next to her; she lifter Lexa’s wrist to her face and pressed a soft kiss to the timer, causing Lexa to tense and gasp out her name. “Clarke,”

“Shhhh, baby, it’s okay.” Clarke whispered back, kissing the timer again, looking up into Lexa’s eyes with a smile. “Thank you for showing me this place,” She turned around, pressing her lips to the bark, “and thank you for looking out for her,” she said to the tree, half serious, half joking. It worked though, because she heard the girl next to her let out a chuckle.

“Did you just thank a tree? I didn’t know you were a treehugger.”

“Oh yeah,” Clarke turned and grinned at the other girl, glad that she still seemed to be in a good mood, “big time, that bark has such nice texture.”

“I know what you mean, that really is a lovely texture,” Lexa agreed, and it was just too easy.

“Is that your way of telling me you like it rough?” Clarke fluttered her lids in an over the top way. She couldn’t help but revel in the blush that appeared on Lexa’s cheek, her adorable awkward cinnamon roll, she wanted to clutch her heart and swoon a little. But then she saw that amazing jawline tense and though the blush was still there Lexa’s expression clearly said she was up to the challenge.

“Only one way for you to find out.” And Lexa copied the fluttering eyelid move, only fuck it was unfair because it was so much more effective on her. How could it not? Lexa had those long lashes and her flushed cheeks made her green eyes stand out even more, and instead of Lexa Clarke found herself being the flustered one.

“I…” Clarke cleared her throat, “I guess so,” she replied lamely, all too aware that her side was touching Lexa’s side, she could practically feel the warmth seeping into her skin. At that Lexa smirked slightly and leaned back against the tree. Still holding each other’s hand, they lapsed into a comfortable silence.

After a while she looked at Clarke’s watch. “Is it okay if we stay a little longer?”

“Yes of course,” Clarke smiled, she had felt comfortable, leaving hadn’t really been on her mind yet, nothing had really been on her mind, or maybe too much she wasn’t quite sure, but it had been nice all the same.

“Good because in about fifteen minutes there will be fireworks, if you’d like to stay and watch?” Lexa looked at Clarke questioningly and Clarke just grinned from ear to ear before laying her head down on Lexa’s shoulder.

“I love fireworks.”

***

“Thank you for tonight, Lexa, I had a great time.”

For all her confidence and teasing earlier that night Clarke felt strangely bashful.

“Yeah?” Lexa’s smile at her words was so happy and genuinely excited and relieved that Clarke couldn’t help but smile widely in return and not frantically, so touched by the other girl’s happiness.

“Yeah,” she confirmed. It seemed as if that single word gave Lexa the confidence to step closer, pressing her lips to Clarke’s. This kiss was soft and sweet, Lexa had rested her hands on Clarke’s hips, keeping her close without pressing them together.

Clarke smiled against Lexa’s lips, she loved this, she loved everything about this date. She loved the date itself, she loved the jokes they had made, the laughs they had shared, the fireworks, the fact that Lexa chose to open up to her, she loved this kiss. Hell, she loved Lexa. Her eyes widened at the thought, but at the same time a warmth was spreading through her chest. Her thoughts were stopped by Lexa though before she could dwell on it.

Lexa had apparently noticed that she wasn’t completely present and had chosen that moment to open her mouth and nip at Clarke’s bottom lip, taking advantage of the soft gasp to slide her tongue in after. Clarke let out a soft sigh, stumbling back a little to lean against the wall, wrapping her arms around Lexa’s neck pulling the girl closer. She moved her tongue with Lexa’s, she wanted this to last forever. How could just simply kissing feel this good? The way Lexa had gripped her hips and the things she did with her mouth, Clarke felt the blood rushing through her veins and she couldn’t suppress the soft moan. She pulled away from Lexa’s lip, pressing a soft kiss to those plump lips when she saw Lexa’s pout, to soften the blow. She looped a small curl of brown hair behind Lexa’s ear as she stared dreamily in those green eyes.

“Do you want to come up for a cup of coffee?” She asked, brushing the tip of her nose across Lexa’s, grinning when she felt the other girl nod. She moved her arms from behind Lexa’s neck, grabbing her hand and pulling her inside.

* * *

 

Lexa looked around Clarke’s apartment; she had no idea what she had expected Clarke’s apartment to be like, but she had never expected things to be so utterly Clarke. She couldn’t have thought of a place where Clarke would fit better. There was art everywhere on the walls, one piece more beautiful than the next. Then she noticed a corner where a lot of paintings were sitting on the floor. Lexa bent down, looking at the paintings and sketches, they were beautiful.

“Clarke,” she turned around, holding a painting of a misty forest, the edges being shaped as a female figure, to her chest, “why are these masterpieces on the ground?” She just couldn’t comprehend, and glared at Clarke when she heard the girl snort.

“They are hardly masterpieces, Lexa. And I just don’t have any room on the walls here, as you can see.” Clarke lifted her arms and gestured to her walls, causing Lexa to take in all the art again, stunned into silence for a second, before turning back.

“But here, on the ground, what if there was a leak or someone knocks them over? They’d be ruined.” Lexa frowned at the thought of any of this getting damaged.

“It’s fine, Lex, it’s not like I’d be able to sell them anyway, it’s no big deal, they’re just practice runs, bad ones at that.”

At those words Lexa felt a little offended, she got up, putting a hand on her hip as she held in her other hand. “Do you really think I only said this because of money?”

Lexa shook her head, looking down at the painting in her hand, tracing out the bark of a tree, feeling the texture of the paint under her fingers. “These paintings are beautiful, they’re special, Clarke, all of them. They are special because you made them, and because they’re beautiful. I really do think they’re masterpieces, each and every one of them.”

She looked up at Clarke, who had fallen silent and was looking at her with something Lexa couldn’t really define. It was clearly an intense emotion, but whether it was good or bad Lexa wasn’t sure. She hoped it was good of course, she had thought it was good at first, but the longer Clarke stayed silent the less sure she got. She was pulled away from her doubts by Clarke’s shaky voice.

“Do you really think that?”

Lexa looked back up at Clarke nodding solemnly, “yes.”

At those words Clarke strode towards her, almost flinging herself in Lexa’s arms, who caught Clarke even though she was surprised by the sudden hug. Lexa wrapped her arms around Clarke after carefully putting the painting down, nuzzling her face into the blonde’s hair, just holding her. She wasn’t exactly sure why Clarke had reacted the way she did, or what it meant, but for now she felt like Clarke needed this, and for Lexa herself this was enough, just holding her. Eventually Clarke pulled out of the hug enough to look at Lexa.

Lexa’s smile fell as she noticed how watery her eyes were. She cupped Clarke’s face, her thumbs trying to brush her cheeks soothingly. “Clarke?” She croaked out, begging the girl to tell her what was wrong, how she could fix it.

“I believe you.” Clarke laughed as a tear rolled down her cheek, she lifted her hand to wipe it, but Lexa had already done so. “You like my work; you care about it.” Clarke said as an explanation, but Lexa was still confused.

“Of course I do,” she said confused as to why this would make the other girl cry.

“People usually don’t, not like that,” Clarke lifted her hands to silence Lexa when the other girl wanted to interrupt, “I’m not saying that people don’t think it’s good, or that I think I’m not. I know my artwork is decent, sometimes even good and people appreciate it. But they don’t… to me each of these pieces is a part of me. It’s why I prefer to have them here, with me, on the ground rather than for example at my mom’s house. But you, it matters to you.”

At that Lexa smiled softly, gave a small nod and pressed a soft kiss to the other girl’s lips. They stayed hugged together for a little. That’s when Lexa realised she had meant to ask Clarke something but hadn’t gotten to it yet.

“Earlier when I was about to ring your doorbell how did you know to open the door?” She was genuinely curious. Had she really been that late?

Clarke let out a soft chuckle. “Raven called me, she told me you had called her and you were feeling a little nervous and to give you 2 more minutes, but if the bell hadn’t rung by then I should just go out and greet you, or else you’d bolt.”

Lexa scoffed, but before she could say anything Clarke pressed a kiss to her cheek before untangling herself from Lexa’s grip. “Don’t worry, I know you wouldn’t have left, but the thought of prolonging the process of you torturing yourself was unbearable.” She smiled as she headed to the kitchen. Lexa turned around and continued examining the paintings.

“Do you want some coffee or?”

Lexa felt her throat dry out, she had assumed that the question about coffee earlier downstairs had been Clarke’s indirect way to ask her to spend the night, but now she was faced with the fact that clearly she had been wrong. She debated whether she would say anything, explain what she had thought and apologise. But then she looked back at Clarke’s mischievous eyes, and decided against it, chances were that Clarke was teasing. She walked closer, raising a brow. “or?”

Clarke shrugged and bit down at her bottom lip, keeping that damned smirk on her lips. “Tea maybe, hot chocolate?”

That confirmed it, Clarke was definitely teasing and Lexa wasn’t going to back down, two could play this game. “What if I want something even hotter that isn’t a beverage?” She wrapped her arms around Clarke, her hands resting on the small of the other girl’s back.

“I can’t believe you’re still hungry.” Clarke grinned as she wrapped her arms around Lexa’s neck. Lexa couldn’t help but feel elated at the way Clarke draped herself against her, it gave Lexa the confidence to continue their banter. She moved her hands a little lower and squeezed her ass.

“Trust me I always have an appetite for what I am thinking of right now.”

She was about to give herself a compliment for being so incredibly smooth (Raven would be proud), when she heard a scandalised gasp. She flushed, stammering out an apology only to be silenced by Clarke’s lips. Lexa froze, she was entirely unsure how to handle this situation, on the one hand Clarke’s gasp had definitely suggested Lexa had crossed a line, but Clarke’s lips on hers suggested something else entirely.

After a few seconds Clarke seemed to notice the lack of response and pulled away, chuckling softly as she twirled those small, soft curls at the nape of Lexa’s neck. Lexa just had to close her eyes in enjoyment of that touch, it always relaxed her.

“How can you switch from awkward cinnamon roll to cocky commander and back in the span of a few seconds?” Clarke’s voice was soft and full of wonder. It made Lexa open her eyes and look at the blonde, shrugging. “I don’t know, nerves I guess.”

“And what are you nervous about? Because if I am guessing right you have nothing to be nervous about” Clarke’s voice had regained her teasing tone, and she raised her brow in a challenging manner when Lexa searched her eyes to try and see if Clarke was actually saying what she thought she was.

Deciding to throw caution to the wind she moved forward, pressing her mouth to Clarke’s in a hungry kiss, pushing the girl backwards and pressing her against the wall. Clarke’s answering groan when she parted her lips was all the confirmation Lexa actually needed.

Lexa had one hand next to Clarke’s face, leaning against the wall, the other one cupped the blonde’s ass, keeping her trapped between the wall and Lexa herself. She set out a teasing pace in her discovery of what Clarke liked best in their kisses. She slowly traced out Clarke’s teeth, moving her tongue across the roof of her mouth.

Lexa smiled into their kiss when she felt Clarke wrap her arms around her neck, pulling her closer. She pressed her tongue against Clarke’s before retreating slightly, letting Clarke seek her out again, sucking on her tongue when she had managed to do so. Soft whimpers only managed to spur on Lexa more, and before she fully realised what she was doing she had her leg pressed between Clarke’s thighs.

This movement caused Clarke to pull away from her lips to let out a guttural “Fuck,” while she dug her nails in the back of Lexa’s neck. Lexa only took this as encouragement, moving her lips from Clarke’s lips to her neck, alternating between open-mouthed kisses, sucking the skin and blowing on the wet patches of skin; causing Clarke to shiver and roll her hips subconsciously against Lexa’s thigh. Feeling the movements of Clarke’s hips Lexa decided to slow down for a second, to make absolutely sure this was what they both wanted. She moved her lips to Clarke’s ear, pulling her body a little away from the girl to make sure they were both somewhat level-headed. “Clarke,” she whispered, “do you want this?”

However instead of making Clarke level-headed the lack of contact seemed to make her go crazy, “Lexa,” she whined, her head still slightly lolled to the side from when Lexa was kissing her neck, pushing her hips forward to find Lexa’s while her hands moved from her neck to her hips, pulling the other girl against her again, “don’t make me beg.”

“Never,” Lexa reassured her, pressing forward, kissing the blonde hungrily, teeth clashing, tongues moving hungrily against each other. Lexa’s hands moved of their own accord towards Clarke’s ass, sneaking underneath the hem of her dress, grabbing the flesh to push it against her harder. And it felt so good, Clarke’s skin was warm and soft, Lexa still couldn’t quite believe that this was actually allowed. When she realised that this was not how she wanted this to go. Her first time with Clarke would not consist of Lexa fucking her against a wall, Clarke deserved more. “Clarke, bed.” Lexa managed to pant into their kiss as she squeezed her ass once before letting go and pulling away.

Clarke grabbed her hand, dragging her towards the door of her bedroom, and Lexa followed all too happily. Clarke turned around at the foot of her bed, looking at Lexa with a grin on her face that the brunette returned happily. She stepped even closer, wrapping her arms around Clarke’s torso, her hand resting on the zipper, she glanced at the other girl’s face to see if this was okay. As soon as Clarke dipped her head Lexa lowered the zipper down all the way to the small of her back. She stepped away so that the dress could fall and pool around Clarke’s feet.

Lexa’s gaze slowly moved from the dress on the floor to those shapely legs all the way up to the Clarke’s face. She could see the nerves present on her face, so she said all she could think of to say. “Clarke, you’re the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.”  This caused a slight blush to stain Clarke’s cheeks, but the smile that graced her face was so much more powerful.

Lexa fell to her knees before Clarke, looking up to connect her own gaze with Clarke’s before she looked down to her feet. One hand wrapped around Clarke’s calf, gently lifting it as she took her shoe off, leaning forward to press a kiss on said calf, before doing the same thing to the other foot. She set up a little straighter, pressing a kiss to each knee and then to each upper leg, letting her hands follow her lips.

She was sitting up on her knees now, her face level with Clarke’s waist, wrapping her arms around it as she nuzzled herself against Clarke’s lower belly for a second. Lexa pulled away slightly letting her lips brush very lightly over the blonde’s skin, tracing the hem of her underwear. She looked up when she heard Clarke gasp, and felt hands landing in her hair. Clarke was looking down to her, her mouth open as her breathing started to speed up a little. Lexa kept those blue eyes locked with her own as she moved her lips back to Clarke’s lower belly, she pressed a kiss to the edge of her underwear, moving a little lower to press a soft kiss to her covered vulva, before dragging her tongue over the skin of her stomach towards her bellybutton, simply teasing the other girl slightly by pressing her tongue flat against it.

Lexa kept pressing kissed as her hands slowly moved upwards on her stomach until they reached Clarke’s lower ribs, that’s when she slowly got up, continuing the trail of kisses upwards over the valley between her breasts. Her hands had caught up again and soon enough she had a boob in each hand, gently squeezing them as her kisses travelled along Clarke’s collarbone and up her neck. She loved the feeling of Clarke’s nipples through the fabric in her hands, the sensation caused by Clarke’s breath against her own skin, and the taste of the blonde’s skin. All of it was making her feel a little lightheaded.

“You’re so beautiful, Clarke,” Lexa breathed against the blonde’s skin, “you have no idea.” She tightened the grip on Clarke’s boobs a little, causing her to gasp. She grinned and moved her hands from the front to the back, letting out a soft chuckle when Clarke started to protest. “Patience is a virtue.” She smirked.

At that Clarke raised an eyebrow, pulling a little away from her grasp. “Oh really?” The effect was slightly ruined though by the breathiness of her voice so Lexa couldn’t help but smirk as she nodded.

At that Clarke narrowed her eyes, moving her hands backwards to unclasp her bra before letting it glide down her arms to the ground. After that she simply turned around and crawled up the bed, settling herself against the headboard. Her eyes sought out Lexa’s, who was left staring at the almost naked blonde, drinking in her beaty.

“I have never been one for virtues luckily,” Clarke grinned as she moved her hand down the front of her underwear, closing her eyes and letting out an extremely salacious groan. Lexa clenched her thighs as she took in the image before her, shutting her eyes for a second and digging her teeth into her bottom lip. She didn’t think she had ever seen anything so sexy as Clarke right now. Determined not to be outdone by Clarke though, she opened her eyes, asking huskily. “Does that feel good?”

Clarke answered by nodding frantically and letting out a soft moan as she shifted her hips slightly. “So good, but only because I’m pretending it’s you.”

At those words it was Lexa’s turn to gasp. Clarke pulled her fingers away, lifting them and making the come hither move to Lexa with a grin. Who was on her hands and knees on the bed within seconds, only to realise that what she was trying to do was impossible with her dress on. “One second,” she told the blonde, who watched her with amusement as she got up, took the hem of her dress and simply lifted it off her before tossing it to the ground carelessly.

“No bra? Well well well,” she saw the grin on Clarke’s face and the raised eyebrow so she just shrugged and stuck out her tongue.

“Now where were we?” Lexa grinned as she pounced on the bed, crawling towards Clarke until she was hovering over her. “Oh right, I think you were pretending these fingers were mine, right?”

Clarke nodded, and Lexa lifted her hand, seeing them glisten as she took them in her mouth, sucking them clean, tasting Clarke for the first time. She moaned at the taste, sucking a little harder, ending with a soft bite before pulling away. Apparently Clarke’s fingers had a direct connection to the blonde’s groin because she bucked her hips up and let out a groan that caused hot pleasure and lust to streak through Lexa’s body. She had no idea what she had done to be allowed this moment, but she was so thankful. She couldn’t think of a better place to be right now.

Lexa shifted herself on top of Clarke so that her leg was once again between the blonde’s thighs. She pressed down and shifted slightly while her mouth found Clarke’s again. This kiss was different from all the ones they had shared before. It was hot, filled with pants and groans from both girls, as they grinded against each other. The feeling of skin-to-skin contact everywhere felt amazing. She was as close physically to Clarke as she could get and she revelled in it, the way their breasts were pressed together, feeling the stiff buds rub against her own, the slight sheen of sweat that had settled on their bodies.

Lexa couldn’t believe how worked up she was already. She felt like every nerve ending on fire, but in a good way; Clarke’s body against hers felt so incredibly good she could hardly describe it, even Clarke’s thighs against her felt better than she ever could have imagined it ever feeling. Every time Clarke’s hips moved up she pressed down harder, enjoying the gasps and groans the blonde let out. The fact that Clarke seemed to enjoy her touch as much as she was hers made the whole thing even better.

Clarke had her hands clutched in Lexa’s hair, pulling on it hard enough for Lexa to let out a soft hiss, opening her eyes in question as she stilled on top of Clarke. Both girls stared at each other, panting as they tried to catch their breath. At first Lexa had wondered if Clarke wanted to stop, but the lustful haze that she saw in those blue eyes made her move back to press her lips on the other girl’s again.

However, Clarke moved her head a little to the side, arching her back, “Lexa please, I need, I need…” Clarke’s voice was husky with need.

Lexa opened her eyes, letting out a soft groan of her own, staring down at the blonde with awe for a second, feeling desire pool in her lower belly at the sound of Clarke’s voice. Shifting her body a little to the side, but keeping the blonde’s thigh trapped between her own legs, Lexa let her hand travel over Clarke’s chest down to the hem of her underwear. She moved her lips to Clarke’s ear, whispering in her ear “shhh, I know what you need.”

Lexa slipped her hand over the damp fabric, enjoying the way Clarke’s panting breath sped up against the skin of her neck. She could feel the heat through Clarke’s underwear, and pulled her underwear off.

Lexa placed her hand on Clarke’s pubic bone, gently pushing her hips back down, before slowly moving lower. She let out a groan against Clarke’s skin when she ran her fingers through folds; Clarke was so wet. She explored every part with her fingers, focussing on the noises Clarke made to find out what she liked best.  She enjoyed each and every sound and she relished the warmth and the slick feeling around her fingers. She circled Clarke’s clit, smiling against Clarke’s skin when she felt Clarke wrap her arms back around her neck and pull Lexa’s face tighter against her neck and moving her hips up for more contact.

“Does it feel good?” Lexa whispered in Clarke’s ear before, pressing open-mouthed kisses to the skin just below her ear, tasting the slight saltiness that had settled on Clarke’s skin. She moved her fingers to brush over Clarke’s clit very lightly, barely touching it, testing to see how sensitive she was, not wanting to hurt the other girl with overstimulation.

“Fuck, Lex” was all Clarke managed to get out with a bunch of moans and groans, clutching Lexa’s neck and rolling her hips, “more, please.”

That was Lexa’s cue to increase the pressure of her fingers a little. She immediately noticed the effects; Clarke arched her back, pushing herself harder against Lexa’s fingers, her breathing grew more laboured. Lexa felt shivers run down her back at the fact that she was the one to make Clarke feel all these things. She moved her fingers down, away from that bundle of nerves, soothing the disappointed groan with a love bite to the pulse point on Clarke’s neck.

Lexa’s fingers reached their destination and she slowly pressed two fingers inside. She kept the pace relatively slow, twisting her hand so her thumb could brush over her clit, groaning when Clarke started bucking her hips upward forcing her fingers deeper. She got the hint and speed up her movements a little, and then a little more when Clarke let out a string of whimpers about just how close she was. She could feel Clarke starting to tense up, so she bent her fingers, stroking the front wall.

That motion was what sent Clarke over the edge, with a loud yelp she threw her head back, arching her back and her thighs clamped down on Lexa’s hand, keeping her trapped. Lexa could feel Clarke’s body pulse around her fingers. She kept moving her fingers, but at a slow pace, gently circle her clit with her thumb until Clarke started to let out a soft whimpering noise, squirming in overstimulation. That was when Clarke also opened her legs, letting Lexa pull her hand back.

It was also the moment where Lexa herself became aware about how close she already was. Touching Clarke and having the girl writhing underneath her had turned her on so much. She didn’t want to push Clarke though so she stayed perfectly still, trying to force her arousal down to an appropriate level. She let the blonde catch her breath while she pressed soft kisses along her collarbone and up her neck, blushing slightly when she noticed the already darkening spots along her neck.

“Hmmm,” after a few minutes Clarke let out a satisfied hum, she shifted her body to look Lexa in the eye, but the movement caused her thigh to brush against Lexa’s front and Lexa bit down on her bottom lip to suppress a moan, but she wasn’t fully successful. Lexa worried that Clarke might be upset when she felt Clarke move a little more underneath her, thinking that the blonde tried to squirm away from her. She quickly rolled off Clarke, unable to look her in the eye, a strange mix of embarrassment and need rushing through her.

Lexa had her eyes closed so she was taken by surprise when she felt Clarke’s curls brush her face. Her eyes opened and she couldn’t help but gasp at what she saw. Clarke was leaning over her, watching her with an intense gaze that didn’t do anything to help the throbbing feeling that had settled between her thighs. She had to close her eyes, shutting them she squirmed underneath Clarke, trying to keep quiet as she could feel her arms brush the naked skin of the girl above her. She moved her hands down, balling them into fists and pressing them between her legs. She clamped her thighs around them, trying to keep herself from unravelling completely.

All thought of that was out the window when she heard a soft tutting sound, followed by Clarke’s hands tugging on her underwear, forcing her to open her thighs. She felt Clarke moving her hand up from her feet to the apex of her thighs, quickly dipping in before moving along. Even that short, barely there, touch was enough to coax a stream of whimpers from Lexa’s mouth. Which caused Clarke to loom back over her, licking from her collarbone all the way up to her neck, before whispering in her ear. “I’ll take care of you, baby.”

Those words caused Lexa’s breathing to speed up, unable to suppress a whimper her eyes searched for Clarke, finding those blue eyes looking at her with so much kindness, happiness and hunger that caused her to nod, giving herself over completely to Clarke’s touch.

That was the moment Clarke lowered herself on top of Lexa, pressing her legs between her thigh like Lexa had done with her moments ago. She shifted experimentally, and Lexa couldn’t stop herself from gripping Clarke’s butt, digging her nails into the blonde’s skin in a desperate attempt to get more contact, to get more friction. Clarke seemed to get the message because she pressed down harder, grinding and shifting in the most delicious way.

“Fuck, Clarke, I’m so close,” Lexa groaned as her breathing sped up further, and she closed her eyes to focus on the amazing feeling; it felt so good. And she didn’t know if it was because Clarke was just that good or because it simply was Clarke; and she didn’t care what the reason was, because it just felt that good. Her nerve-endings were in overdrive, it was like she could feel every separate spot where Clarke’s skin touched hers, and it was so incredibly hot.

Lexa opened her eyes in surprise when she felt Clarke taking one of her hands from her cheek, pressing a kiss on it before intertwining their fingers and resting it beside Lexa’s head. It was all far too much to handle; Clarke’s every touch and movement was done with such gentleness, Lexa was feeling overwhelmed by both pleasure and emotion. The mix of the two forced Lexa over the edge; she let out a loud moan and a string of whimpers. White hot pleasure coursed through her entire body, culminating in that spot between her thighs; it was too intense, she couldn’t bare lying down and almost curled in upon herself, tightening her grip on Clarke’s hand.

She didn’t even realise she was crying until she felt a soft lips kissing them off her cheeks. Clarke had crawled off her, lying down she pulled Lexa against and half on top of her, trying to soothe the girl, gently rubbing her bare back with the arm that was wrapped around her. “Shhh, baby,” she whispered before pressing a kiss on the top of her head, “it’s okay.”

Lexa shivered at those words and the touches. Clarke seemed to feel it because she stopped, but that was the last thing Lexa wanted.  “Please don’t stop,” she croaked out, taking the hand that was still intertwined with Clarke’s and resting it on the blonde’s stomach, gently brushing a soft patch of skin there, “it’s nice.”

She felt Clarke nod and continue the movements. She let out a soft sigh, snuggling closer, pressing her face into the warmth of Clarke’s skin. They stayed like this for a bit, until Clarke broke the silence.

“What was with the waterworks? Was I that bad?” Clarke’s tone was light and teasing, but there was something there that made Lexa open her eyes and look up at Clarke. Blue eyes met her own green ones and she thought she saw a hint of insecurity and nerves there.

Lexa quickly shook her head, she pressed a kiss to Clarke’s lips with a smile before lying back. She lifted their intertwined hands in the air a little, turning them around curious to see if it would look just as good and natural as it should be as it felt.

“Well?” Clarke prompted gently, but Lexa just shrugged, worried that she wouldn’t be able to properly express what had happened. What was she supposed to say? You made me feel loved and it was just too overwhelming of a feeling. Lexa wanted to laugh at herself, way to get a girl to run for the hills, telling her that. No thank you, that’s when Lexa thought of something else to say, something that was equally true.

“You’re a sex goddess, it just felt _that_ good.” Which definitely was not a lie. She looked up at Clarke’s face, resting their intertwined hands on the blonde’s chest. “Where did you get your female sexpertise?”

Lexa narrowed her eyes when she saw a faint blush creep up on Clarke’s cheeks, forcing herself to focus her attention on that rather than what happened a few moments ago. She crawled up so she could get closer to that beautiful, blushing face. Pressing soft kisses everywhere she tried to persuade Clarke. “Tell me,” she insisted, “I won’t get mad.” Clarke’s reaction made her suspect she had picked it up from a hook up, probably during the three months she had been gone. Even though it did sting a little Lexa knew she couldn’t blame Clarke, and she didn’t. They had definitely not been together, even if things hadn’t ended with that fight, they had been nothing really, not even friends. _No, but you were soulmates, still are._ A voice in her head mocked, but she chose to ignore that.

“Lexa,” Clarke admonished though, pulling Lexa from her own thoughts. “It’s nothing like that. You are my first girl loving experience.” She let out a slight huff, obviously insulted.

“I’m sorry, babe,” Lexa pressed a string of soft kisses to Clarke’s lips in quick succession to appease both the blonde and herself, “I didn’t mean it like that. I am just so damn impressed by your skill.”

She pulled away to see a goofy grin on Clarke’s lips. “I might have been doing my research to make sure I would at least be able to make you feel somewhat good.”

“You did research?” Lexa tried to sound teasing, but she couldn’t keep the awe out of her voice. Clarke had thought about them together before, and she had been concerned enough with how it would be for Lexa that she had actually studied up on it. She let out a happy sigh, resting her head back on Clarke’s chest. “That’s weirdly romantic.” She grinned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, that happened...  
> I am very nervous about this chapter, like I said before, it took me too long to write. Also this has been the first time in a long time I have written anything even remotely smut like, and it's the first time writing girls. So any tips and pointers are appreciate.
> 
> Anyway as always let me know what you guys think.  
> Oh also I am going to start another story, a sort of the prince and me AU, but don't worry this story is going to be finished first, I am deff not on the level where I am able to write two stories simultaniously.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go guys, last full chapter, only the epilogue to go after this.  
> It's pretty okay I think, we have some angst, some fluff, just a good mix.  
> I hope you guys like it.   
> As always let me know what you think. You have no idea how much it means to me to know that you read it and wanted to let me know what you thought of it.

“Lex, Lexa, wake up.” Lexa’s eyes flew open as she woke up with a gasp. For a second she was confused to where she was; trying to fight the force that kept her down. She could feel her heart pounding in her chest, and her breathing sounded fast to her own ears, she needed to get away, she needed to breathe. As soon as the force eased though, she heard the one thing that made her calm down immediately; Clarke’s voice, it was soft and soothing.

“It’s okay, you’re okay, baby. I’m here, you’re safe.” Clarke’s words were reinforced by her hand soothingly stroking Lexa’s bare back as she sat upright, hunched over, trying to catch her breath.

Lexa closed her eyes, forcing herself to focus on Clarke’s words and touch. She hated this, she could hear the worry in Clarke’s voice, even if the blonde tried to keep calm; she hated worrying Clarke, hated waking her up, she hated these nightmares. Lexa let out a frustrated sigh as she turned around, lying down next to Clarke, resting her head against Clarke’s shoulder. She felt Clarke wrap an arm around her immediately and she felt so safe, she could literally feel her heartrate slowing down.

“I’m sorry,” Lexa muttered quietly, she had moved herself so her head was almost tucked under Clarke’s chin. She felt guilty for seeking this comfort, but at the same time she couldn’t stop herself from doing it. She had been suffering from the nightmares for such a long time, even in the periods that they didn’t came around that often there was nothing that she could do that soothed her like this.

“You have nothing to apologise for, Lexa,” Clarke’s voice was soft, but insistent. “Look at me,” Lexa felt Clarke giving her shoulder a squeeze so she lifted her head reluctantly, looking into those kind blue eyes. “I’m serious, no more apologising, okay?” She smiled softly, before leaning up and pressing soft peck to her lips.

“Now let’s go back to sleep,” Clarke gently patted her chest, indicating that Lexa should lie her head back down. Which she did, even though she knew that there was no way she would be able to sleep just yet. Just lying here in bed, cuddled into Clarke’s side was good enough for her though. She closed her eyes, listening to Clarke’s breathing as it slowly evened out.

***

She had no idea how much time exactly had passed, but it must have been longer than she realised because when she opened her eyes she saw that it was starting to get light already. She tried to lean up and look at the clock, seeing that it was 5:30 before she heard Clarke letting out a soft whimper, while the blonde’s grip on her tightened, pulling her back. The action made Lexa smile a little as she settled back against the blonde, laying her hand on Clarke’s whispering softly. “It’s okay, I’m here.”

Clarke started mumbling a little then, nothing understandable though, but Lexa was amused all the same. She tried her best to understand what Clarke was trying to say, and found herself increasingly frustrated when she couldn’t. She ended up leaning up slightly, looking at the smile on Clarke’s face she was confident that it was a good dream and it had her even more curious.

“Clarke,” she whispered softly, “what are you saying?” Lexa waited, searching Clarke’s face for any hint of an expression, smiling when she saw the blonde smile even wider.

“Lexa,” Clarke mumbled sleepily, turning her head and nuzzling into Lexa’s side, which caused Lexa to giggle, but she quickly clapped her hand over her mouth. Clarke was being incredibly adorable, but she didn’t want to wake her.

“I’m right here,” she whispered quietly, stroking the blonde curls from Clarke’s face so she could see her expression.

Clarke let out a sleepy moan, stretching her arm and wrapping it around Lexa, pressing herself flush against the brunette, nuzzling her face against Lexa’s chest. Lexa relaxed, lying back down, thinking the talking part of her entertainment was over. Instead she busied herself brushing through Clarke’s hair with her fingers.  She was wrong though, Clarke wasn’t done speaking.

“hmm Lexa, I love you,” Lexa could feel the corners of Clarke’s lips turn upward in a smile again. Lexa froze; _it doesn’t count, she’s asleep, she doesn’t know what she is saying._ Lexa kept repeating those thoughts to herself. _Calm down, it’s not real, she isn’t even awake._ But nothing helped, she could feel her heart pounding, it was so loud she was surprised it didn’t wake Clarke up. Her mouth felt incredibly dry. What was she supposed to do?

Clarke told her she loved her. One thing was clear as day to Lexa, she loved Clarke. But she didn’t know what to do with this situation; it was too unexpected. How was she supposed to deal with this? Who even said that Clarke was being serious; people said weird things in their sleep all the time, Lexa herself was proof of that.

Was she supposed to tell Clarke what she said when she woke up? What if it wasn’t true though, what if Clarke would feel forced to say it again even though she didn’t love Lexa at all? Or what if she wasn’t ready to say it? What if Lexa wasn’t ready to hear it?

Lexa could slowly but surely feel panic starting to take over. She wanted to do nothing more than shake Clarke awake, but she couldn’t; she had already woken up Clarke earlier, plus even thinking about facing Clarke made the anxiety worse. She needed to calm down; she tried to do one of the exercises that Miller had taught her, focussing on her surroundings; it didn’t work though, because all her senses were honed in on Clarke, she could feel, see, smell and hear the blonde. She couldn’t bring herself to focus on something else; it was agony, but such sweet agony, because who would have ever thought she would ever be here, in Clarke’s bed?

Lexa knew something had to happen though, she couldn’t have a full-fledged panic attack right beside Clarke, she simply refused. She gently tried to roll Clarke on her back so she could extricate herself without waking the blonde. The way Clarke’s face scrunched up in annoyance and tried to hold on as she muttered a soft no almost made Lexa give up on the entire endeavour. But in the end she managed to wrap Clarke in her comforter, making sure the blonde was warm and comfortable before heading into the shower.

***

It hadn’t helped, that much was clear as day when Lexa stepped back out of the shower and into the bed room. The anxiety was still there at the edge of her consciousness and she couldn’t stay here. She would come back, of course, she wasn’t really running away, but she needed to clear her head. But that did mean she had to wake up Clarke, there was no way she was going to head out and not tell her. Just the thought alone of Clarke waking up alone and finding that Lexa had gone and imagining the look on the blonde’s face, so much like the look she had seen that one night, was more than enough to make Lexa’s heart constrict painfully. She would do anything to keep that from ever happening again. She might feel anxious and need some time to calm down, this time was different, there was a them, or at least that was what Lexa kept telling herself.

“Clarke,” Lexa kept her voice soft and soothing, her shower had helped in the sense that she had managed to push her feelings to the background somewhat. She brushed her thumb over Clarke’s slightly parted lips, before giving her a very gentle nudge. “Clarke?”

She smiled when she saw Clarke squeezing her eyes shut tighter, shaking her head. “Wake up, sunshine, it’s only for a little while.”

“Nooooo,” Clarke’s voice came out a whine as she opened one eye to peek at the clock, “Lexa what are you doing? It’s far too early.”

Lexa saw her struggle to move her arms for a second before Clarke fully opened her eyes. “Why does it feel like you put me in a strait jacket?” Clarke raised a brow and immediately yawned, struggling to get herself freed. When she managed she opened the blankets, “come back, Lex sleep in with me.”

Lexa smiled softly, shaking her head, softening her rejection with a kiss. “I woke you up because I want to go for a run, but I didn’t want you to wake up alone.”

Clarke groaned, throwing her arms up to cover her face. “Are you serious?”

Lexa was unsure of what Clarke meant, a part of her thought Clarke was joking, but the part of her that was already on edge wasn’t so sure. So she decided casual and neutral would be the best way to go. “I’m sorry?”

“Clarke’s face appeared from under her arms with a mischievous grin. “You’re an athlete?” Her voice was dripping with teasing disgust. “I don’t think it will work out between us.”

Lexa knew Clarke was joking, she was so clearly teasing her, but still she couldn’t stop her heart from starting to hammer in her chest. She hoped that the change wasn’t too visible, but that hope soon flew out the window when she saw Clarke’s expression change from mischief to caring. Clarke opened her arms and Lexa dove in them, nestling herself in the crook of Clarke’s neck.

Urging herself to be calm and to show herself and Clarke that she was fine, she murmured, “nothing that can change your mind?” While she let her hands draw circles up and down Clarke’s stomach. It worked on two levels, on the one hand it worked on Clarke, because she could hear the blonde’s breathing increase slightly as she shuddered underneath Lexa, and for the other part it soothed Lexa that Clarke was allowing her this close, even though she knew Clarke had been teasing.

“Hmmm,” murmured Clarke, “maybe if you tell me you need this run to stay in shape to be able to do things like last night?”

Lexa burst into laughter, just like that the tension was broken, her worries were quelled. She pressed a kiss to Clarke’s neck and then one to her cheek before looking her in the eye with mock seriousness. “Oh trust me, it’s essential.”

“Oh well, if it’s essential, you’d better go out for that run, because you’ll need all the training you can get.” Clarke wrapped her arms around Lexa’s neck, pulling her closer and Lexa let her, falling back into their own little bubble was just too easy.

“Oh and why is that?” Lexa brusher her nose along Clarke’s cheek.

“Because I am insatiable.”

Lexa let out a snort, pulling away to look into Clarke’s eyes with a smile. “Then I’d better start training, because I am curious to see if that statement is really true.”

“No, don’t go!” Clarke tightened her grip around Lexa and grinned “stay with me.”

Though the need wasn’t as great as it had been before Lexa knew she still needed to go, even if she wanted to stay. She looked Clarke in the eyes, trying to convey what she couldn’t yet say. “I have to go for a run, Clarke. But I will be back.”

She saw comprehension appear in Clarke’s features and she immediately dropped her arms back to the bed, she nodded. “We’ll talk after?”

Lexa hated the uncertainty in Clarke’s voice, like she wasn’t completely convinced they actually would talk, even though she knew Clarke had every reason to doubt her.

“We will,” she smiled and added a really to convince Clarke further. “So do you have any workout clothes I can borrow, or don’t you own any?” She decided to change the subject, go back to the light-hearted teasing of earlier.

“I _do_ in fact own workout clothes,” Clarke all but huffed, crossing her arms, “but if you borrow them you have to come back. Or I’ll be forced to assimilate your dress into my wardrobe.”

Lexa could hear that Clarke was trying to keep it light, but she could clearly see what was under that very thin layer of bravado. She wondered how she could assure Clarke that she would be coming back, and decided that honesty was the best policy. She would just tell Clarke, maybe not everything, but a few things.”

“Clarke, I’m coming back, I’m not going anywhere. I just need to clear my head for a bit, I am feeling…” what was she feeling? What could she say that wouldn’t freak the both of them out? “A lot of stuff, and I need to figure out what that is, and now I do that with exercise instead of running away. When I say I am going on a run, I don’t mean I’m running away.” She picked up Clarke’s hand, pressing a kiss to the knuckles and giving it a gentle squeeze. She could fend off her feelings a little longer, she had to, she wanted to make sure that Clarke felt at ease.

“Okay, I’m sorry,” Clarke’s voice was soft, and she looked up at Lexa guiltily.

“Don’t apologise, you never have to say sorry for how you feel. How about this: I’ll go for that run, you just doze for a little while longer, and on my way back I pick up some breakfast and we’ll have some breakfast in bed after?”

“Hmmm,” Clarke smiled as she hummed in agreement, “that sounds nice.” The blonde agreed. “My workout clothes are in the second drawer, and underwear is in the top one.”

Lexa moved to the closet. “Seriously?” She turned to look at Clarke in disbelief, with slightly reddened cheeks, as she held up a pair of lace underwear. “How can all your underwear be this sexy?”

Clarke let out a giggle, hiding the bottom half of her face under the blankets, her bright blue eyes peeking just over the edge at Lexa with obvious amusement as she said, “drawer under the one you’re in now.”

Lexa raised an eyebrow, but opened the drawer all the same, finding a bunch of plain bras and a bunch of boxer briefs and hipsters, and even a sports bra. She turned to look at Clarke with a questioning grin.

“What?” Clarke said indignantly with a big smirk, “you can’t blame a girl for trying. You would look so good in those.” Nudging her head to point towards the pair of lace underwear still in Lexa’s hand.

“We’ll have to wait and see, won’t we?” and with those words Lexa laid the pair on top of the set off drawers. 

She kept her smile on her face, but the ease with which Clarke and her had fallen into this casual teasing clawed at Lexa’s chest and throat. She got dressed as fast as she could and was already at the door of the bedroom, focussed on the fact that in a few steps she’d be out and able to breathe again when she heard a sigh. It was a sigh so soft she didn’t know if Clarke had even realised she let it out, and definitely hadn’t expected Lexa to hear it, but she had. She turned around, seeing Clarke under the covers, staring unseeingly in the distance.

Lexa felt her heart constrict, she hated that she was doing this to Clarke, but at the same time she knew she needed this moment to herself. It was good to have private moments, even in a relationship, and she would tell Clarke about it later, well a little bit at least. But she couldn’t leave before a last reassurance. “Clarke,” she said softly, leaning in the doorway, waiting for Clarke to look at her. She saw the shift in Clarke’s face, a slight smile appearing there, “I’ll see you in a bit, okay?”

Clarke nodded, saying quietly, “go, it’s fine.”

At those words Lexa turned and headed to the front door, chuckling to herself when she heard Clarke bellow, “don’t forget breakfast!”

***

“Lexa, what’s going on? Are you okay? Are you hurt?”

Lexa looked up from staring at her shoes as she paced back and forth next to the bench in front of the hospital, seeing Miller look at her worriedly. She felt embarrassed now, texting Miller to see if they could meet had seemed the smart thing to do at the time, twenty minutes ago when she kept freaking herself out, running hadn’t helped at all. She hadn’t known what to do, only to remember that Miller had said she could always call him, she obviously wasn’t going to do that, but a text wouldn’t hurt.

“I… it’s nothing really, I just I don’t know wanted to hang?” Lexa wanted to slap herself. What was she doing? She had forced Miller to come here, and now she wasn’t going to talk. Why was she doing this? She needed help, she didn’t know how to handle this situation with Clarke, but how could he help her if she didn’t talk to him?

Miller on the other hand sat down on the bench. “Alright, so let’s ‘hang’,” he patted the empty spot on the bench beside him. “Come sit.”

He patiently waited for her to sit next to him, before turning to her, watching her with so much patience and understanding she couldn’t stand it anymore. Lexa looked down, playing with the hem of her shirt. “I was out running,” She said lamely, unsure what else to say.

“Okay, so did something on your run happen that made you text me? Because you have never done that before.” His voice was gentle and careful, and it made Lexa’s throat start to hurt as she could sense her emotions creeping back up again.

She shook her head, swallowing, “no, nothing like that,” she said quietly.

“Lexa, I can tell you’re very upset. You reached out to me so I assume you want to talk, and I want to talk to you too, but then you’ll actually have to tell me what is going on. Otherwise I can’t help you, okay?” His voice was so cautious and she hated it, she hated herself, here was Miller worried about her and she was just acting ridiculous. About something small and insignificant, and why couldn’t she be normal?

“It’s about Clarke,” Lexa whispered eventually, clenching her fists to settle that jittery feeling inside her chest.

“What about Clarke? Did your date not go well? Did she do something to hurt you?”

Lexa quickly shook her head, looking up aghast at the thought Clarke would ever do something to purposefully hurt her. When her eyes met Miller’s tears sprung into them.

“She told me she loved me.” It was out before Lexa realised and that was when tears started to fall and she could feel her breathing starting to get truly laboured. Saying it out loud made it a hundred times more terrifying.

Miller didn’t say anything, he just put his hand on top of Lexa’s and gave it a squeeze, giving her time to regroup. When it seemed like she couldn’t do it, he instructed her on doing a breathing exercise, again waiting patiently until she was more in control. “And you’re scared out of your mind right now, I take it. Can you tell me what happened?”

Lexa nodded, telling the story of what happened. When she came to the part of her reaction she fell silent, looking away, unsure if she would tell. She knew she should, but knowing something and doing it were two different things.

“Lexa, if you don’t talk about it we can’t figure this out. You called me for a reason, right?”

“Right,” Lexa took a big breath, explaining how freaked out and scared she had gotten, that her anxiety had skyrocketed and that she hadn’t been able to calm down and that she had left.

“And Clarke was okay with that?”

Lexa frowned, thinking back to Clarke’s face and words, “well, not exactly, she was scared I was running away…” Lexa fell silent, she felt a little sick to her stomach as her worries about Clarke being upset creeped up again.

“But you left anyway?”

“I promised her I’d be back, but I _had_ to go! What would you have me do? Have a panic attack in front of Clarke and then having to explain it was because she had said she loved me in her sleep, when she maybe not even does or isn’t ready to tell me? Why would she even say that? And what if I’m not ready to hear it? What if I don’t deserve it? I mean who has a panic attack after hearing someone tell you they love you? Crazy people, that’s who.” Lexa wrapped her arms around herself, glaring at Miller, who of course still had that kind expression on his face, which only angered her more.

“And stop looking at me like that! I don’t need your pity. Never mind, I’m leaving.” Lexa got up, heading off. She was angry, but also scared and confused. She couldn’t really make any sense anymore of what was happening or why she was feeling what she was feeling. Was she angry at herself or at Miller? _Definitely Miller_ she thought to herself. Why would he first be so cold and then so kind, as if she didn’t know she was crazy. Of course she knew, _she_ was the one who had been in the loony bin for 3 months after all.

She didn’t even realise he had fallen into step beside her until he started talking. “You’re not crazy, Lexa, you’re just scared. The girl you love loves you back and now you don’t know what to do. You’re scared that you don’t deserve it, that you’re going to screw it up, that she is going to change her mind, or that she doesn’t really love you.”

Lexa froze, staring at Miller with wide eyes as he summarized all her fears so easily she almost wondered if he didn’t just have access to her brain, she nodded as those traitorous tears came back. “How could she?” Lexa whispered quietly, genuinely asking. Maybe if Miller could give some rational reasons for any of this she could actually be okay.

However, Miller just smiled, “how could she not?”

Lexa opened her mouth, but Miller lifted his hand to stop her. “Lexa, you’re a wonderful person, but I am not going to discuss why Clarke does or does not love you, with you. That’s something you need to discuss with her. Just explain to her what happened like you did with me. Even if she isn’t in love with you, she cares about you an awful lot. Don’t throw that away just because you’re scared, you deserve more than that.”

Lexa smiled weakly, whipping the tears from her cheeks and nodded. “Okay,” she said quietly, “thanks for talking to me.”

“Any time, Lexa,” Miller shook her hand and smiled, “I’ll see you at our appointment tomorrow, but if you need to talk more you can always call me.”

Lexa nodded, turning around and heading to the coffee shop, she needed to get Clarke’s breakfast, and she needed to think about what she was going to say and how.

* * *

 

Clarke had been dozing on and off when she heard the door open and close, which was odd since Lexa didn’t have a key. So Clarke wrapped her covers around her and looked around to see if she had anything to protect herself, but the heaviest thing she had lying around was her old art history text book. Deciding the book was better than nothing she grabbed it and slowly headed towards the door of her bedroom.

She saw the doorknob moving and the door opening very quietly, so she did the only thing she could think of. She let out a scream, wrenching the door open and lifting the book she screamed, “I’m armed!”

She felt first relief and then annoyance rush through her when she saw her best friend hunched over, laughing so hard she could hardly breathe. “Raven, damnit what are you doing here? It’s like 7:30.”

Clarke tried to wait patiently for Raven to stop laughing, but she really didn’t have a lot of time, Lexa had been gone almost an hour already, so she was pretty sure the girl would be back any minute, if she came back at all. _Stop_ , she mentally chastised herself, Lexa had promised shed be back, so she would be. Lexa had never lied to her, not really. But still, the look that Lexa had had in her eyes this morning, it gave Clarke the most uneasy feeling in her stomach.

“So why are you here wrapped in blankets, protecting your girl? Isn’t that more a commander thing, Cinnabon?” Before Clarke could stop her Raven had sneaked past her and into the bedroom.

“Raven!” She said, “Why are you here?”

“Where’s Cinnabon?” Raven frowned, turning around to face Clarke. “Is she in the shower? I don’t hear it running.”

“She is not in the shower, she isn’t here, Raven.” Clarke was too annoyed with her best friend to explain everything. She still didn’t even know why the girl was even here. She got pulled from her annoyance though by Raven’s voice, she sounded worried.

“What do you mean she isn’t here?” Raven took a step closer to Clarke. “Are you messing with me?”

“No! And I should be the one asking _you_ that, Raven. Because for the umpteenth time, why are you here?”

Raven put her hands on her hips, glaring. “I’m here because Lexa promised to text me if she wouldn’t come home last night, which she didn’t do. So I decided to call her, but she isn’t answering her phone and you weren’t either so I came here to make sure everything is alright. What did you do, Clarke? Where is Lexa?”

Clarke was torn between wanting to hug her friend for worrying about Lexa and annoyance at the fact that she was assuming it was her who had done something, okay maybe it was more fear that it actually was her than annoyance, but that wasn’t the point. “Why would you think I did something wrong?”

Raven rolled her eyes, as she sat down on the bed. “Because you’re still here, naked with sex hair, and Cinnabon, who is head over heels for you, isn’t here. Plus, the fact that you haven’t denied it.”

Clarke sat down beside Raven, tightening the covers around her. “She’s gone for a run, but-“ before Clarke could continue Raven almost pushed her off the bed.

“For fuck’s sake, Clarke, you really know how to scare a girl half to death. I was about to call Anya. So the sex hair, is it really sex hair? Is she good in bed?”

“Raven,” Clarke let out a sigh, “can we not talk about that? I’m really not in the mood.”

“Yikes, that bad?”

“No!” Clarke turned to face Raven, who was smirking at her. She rolled her eyes. “Fine, the date was great, the sex was even greater,” Clarke frowned slightly, “then this morning she said she had to go for a run. I could tell something was off, but she didn’t want to tell me.” Clarke blinked in surprise when she felt her friend wrap an arm around her, it gave her the courage to say softly, “what if I did something to screw this up?”

“Didn’t she say anything?”

“She said we’d talk after she got back, but what if she never comes back, Raven? What if she just leaves again?”

“Then I will kick her ass, but I doubt I’ll have to. She’ll come back, Clarke, like I said that girl is head over heels for you.”

“I’m head over heels for her too,” Clarke muttered, enjoying the embrace and comfort of Raven’s words.

“I know,”

Clarke felt Raven press a kiss to her temple. “I’m going to go, please tell Cinnabon that I am very disappointed in her and that she is grounded for a week.”

***

Clarke had been sitting on the couch for about fifteen minutes, wrapped in her covers. She knew she could have gotten dressed, but somehow she felt that doing so would mean that she believed Lexa wouldn’t come back. But she did believe, she was just scared because something was going on and she didn’t know what it was, that’s what made her nervous.

She was startled from her own thoughts when the doorbell rang. She immediately got up and rushed to the door, grinning widely when she saw Lexa’s face through the peephole; relief surged through her, making her feel slightly giddy. So when she opened the door she flung herself in Lexa’s arms; much to Lexa’s surprise, who stumbled slightly, but held the blonde while carefully making sure she didn’t spill the coffee.

“Hey,” Lexa said softly, “it’s okay, I told you I’d be back.” She rested her chin on Clarke’s head, as the blonde had had tucked herself in the nook under Lexa’s chin. Clarke didn’t reply, she just nuzzled into Lexa for a little bit longer, relishing in the fact that Lexa was here, with her; though part of her realised they needed to talk, not only about whatever Lexa wanted to talk about, but also about her feelings and her trust issues, that was the only way this could ever work. But not yet, she just wanted to be in their little, happy bubble a little longer.

They stayed like this for a little longer before Lexa gently nudged her, “come on, Clarke, let’s get you inside, I don’t want you to catch a cold.”

Clarke snorted at that, “Lex, it’s the middle of summer, and I am wrapped in my comforter how would I even get a cold?”

“Less talking, more walking,” Lexa nudged her again, and with a soft chuckle Clarke turned around and headed back in, with Lexa following in her footsteps.

“Where are you going?”

Clarke turned around to see Lexa looking at her. “What? You promised breakfast in bed, so I’m going back to bed.”

“You really want to do breakfast in bed?” Lexa didn’t seem all that sure about the idea.

Clarke nodded, stretching out her hand, “come on, it will be nice.”

“But what about crumbs and stuff?”

“I’ll make sure you’re entirely crumb free,” Clarke grinned, dropping her comforter and tossing her comforter towards the bed before turning back around to see a red-cheeked Lexa staring at her. “I’m heading towards the bedroom Lexiloo, you can either come with me or eat breakfast alone while I have a little fun by myself.”

With that said Clarke turned around, so pleased with herself she could hug herself with glee, that had been real smooth if she had to say so herself and she could hear Lexa follow, which made her feel even better. She jumped on her bed, crawling under the covers; she looked at Lexa with a smile and patted the spot next to her, “come, sit.”

When Lexa made a move to sit down Clarke shook her head as she took the bag and tray from the girl. “Strip,” she said simply.

“Excuse me?” Lexa flushed.

“Get out those sweaty clothes, come on, be naked with me, you know you want to.” Clarke wiggled her eyebrows.

“But we should talk first?” Lexa licked her lips nervously, looking down slightly.

Clarke couldn’t deny that the image in front of her didn’t do things to her, pleasant things, but she also had to laugh. “We can talk naked, Lex, come on.” She stretched her hand out. “We’ll stay under the covers so we won’t get distracted. In fact, it might be good to be naked, because if either one of us wants to leave the other one has the time to convince them to stay while they get dressed.”

“You think you’ll want to leave?” Lexa’s face seemed crestfallen and a little paler than before.

“Of course not, but I don’t know what this talk is going to be about after all.” Clarke frowned when she saw the guilt flash over Lexa’s expressions for a second, “which is okay, Lex, but I want you close, I feel better like that, safer.”

“Really?”

Clarke couldn’t help but smile fondly at the spark of excitement and pride that took a hold of Lexa as soon as Clarke had sad those words. “Really,” she confirmed.

Lexa in the meantime had rushed to get herself undressed as soon as possible. Clarke let out a chuckle at the sight, opening the blankets so Lexa could crawl in.

As soon as Lexa was beside her she cupped her cheek and pressed a kiss to her lips, “good morning, beautiful,” she said with a lazy smile as she pulled away.

Lexa blinked slowly with a slightly dazed smile, muttering a soft, “morning,” back. Clarke thought she could get used to this, especially with the way Lexa responded to her, seeing the way she affected Lexa might be the best feeling in the world.

Before she could give in to her instinct and kiss and touch Lexa a whole lot more she turned and grabbed the tray and bag, handing Lexa her coffee order and sipping from her own. “Let’s see what you got us for breakfast.” She opened the bag, laughing to herself when she saw the contents, “Cinnamon rolls, of course, my favourite.”

She turned around, brushing her nose with Lexa’s and pressing a soft kiss to her lips before handing her one of the rolls. “Oh that reminds me, Raven told me to tell you you’re grounded.” Clarke grinned and took a bite of her cinnamon roll, letting out a soft hum of appreciation, they really were delicious.

“Shit,” Lexa’s eyes widened and she got out of bed, tossing her cinnamon roll to the side and scrambling to find her phone. “Shit, shit shit, sorry for cursing so much, fuck, I mean damn, I mean oh boy?” She looked at Clarke with an uncertain expression that only caused Clarke to start giggling uncontrollably. To which Lexa responded with a glare, “I promised to call her if I stayed the night with you. What should I do what should I do?”

Though Clarke found flustered Lexa very amusing to watch, she tried to make clear that Raven already knew that she was here now, because she had in fact spoken to her before. However, Lexa was too frantic to realise and was starting to mutter to herself as she pressed call and put the phone to her ear. Then Clarke just decided to watch the show in front of her, after all who was she to turn down a little naked Lexa appreciation.

Clarke let out soft giggles as she saw Lexa pacing back and forth rambling apology after apology to Raven and blushing so deeply Clarke just knew Raven was teasing her. That was when Lexa turned to look at her with a pleading expression that suggested she needed saving, so Clarke held out her hand.  Chuckling at the relieved expression on Lexa’s face as she handed over the phone, Clarke took it and simply said “goodbye, Raven,” and hung up, putting the phone on silent afterwards.

“There,” Clarke grinned, “now that we have that taken care of, can we go back to breakfast?” She again patted the spot beside her and Lexa nodded, quickly crawling back to her spot.

As soon as Lexa had gotten comfortable Clarke put her head on Lexa’s shoulder as she sipped her coffee. “This is nice,” she stated, picking small pieces of her cinnamon roll and eating them.

“It is,” Lexa confirmed.

Clarke swallowed nervously, she knew that this was _the_ moment, this was going to be the talk. “So, about this morning…” she started, “could you, could you maybe explain what happened? Because When we went to sleep everything was fine and then this morning I wake up and you’re freaking out. At least I thought last night was fine, great even, so super great, but maybe you didn’t?” Clarke stopped talking then, because she had felt Lexa freeze and knew that if she said another word she would start rambling and Lexa would probably freeze up more. She did take a hold of Lexa’s hand, interlacing their fingers.

“I…you remember the nightmare I had?” Clarke nodded, wondering if that was the reason, but stayed quiet to let Lexa continue. “Well, after that I couldn’t really sleep anymore, and-“

“Aw, babe, you should have woken me, I don’t want you to be all alone after a bad dream.” Clarke clapped her hand over her mouth, muttering “sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt you.

Lexa smiled slightly, squeezing her hand, “it’s okay, anyway you were back asleep and after a while you started moaning and you said my name, and then,” at this point in the conversation Lexa was looking everywhere but at Clarke, and Clarke was feeling on edge, whatever she had said had clearly made Lexa very uncomfortable. “You told me you loved me,” Lexa whispered, finishing her sentence.

Clarke let out a gasp of shock, it wasn’t a lie, and it wasn’t really that she had said it, but the fact that Lexa had been this upset by it.

Lexa was quick to add, “don’t worry, I know it was a dream, you can’t be held accountable for what you said, I mean you probably didn’t even mean it, people say weird stuff in dreams all the time,”  the longer Lexa went on the faster she started to talk, “I mean Anya once told me she was a robot in her sleep when we were younger, and she definitely isn’t. I mean I checked with magnets and stuff, nothing stuck. So maybe this is another robot situation, which is super fine obviously, I mean love, right?” Lexa let out a laugh that sounded both fake and desperate, “I mean right? Clarke? Say something please before I embarrass myself further.”

Clarke was torn between adoration of Lexa’s cuteness and rambling and worry about what it meant, but when Lexa turned to her looking desperate and scared it shifted to adoration. She pressed a soft kiss to Lexa’s worried lips, taking a deep breath, deciding to address this head on, it was the only way to do this and have them both come out of this okay. “I’m confused, I told you I loved you and you freaked out, why?”

At this Lexa took her hand from Clarke’s, wiping it on the covers before putting it back, muttering “sweaty.” She looked at Clarke, who could clearly see fear brewing in those stormy green eyes. “So many reasons,” she said quietly, “I can’t even properly explain, it’s why I had to go run, to calm down.” Lexa was now keeping Clarke’s hand in two of her own, tracing patterns in the skin. “I ended up texting Miller to talk about it, to make sense of what was happening.”

At those words Clarke pulled her hand back from Lexa’s and stared at her with a mixture of feelings she wasn’t quite sure of, but she was upset. She could feel her heart almost break into a thousand pieces. She had to verify to be absolutely sure, because how could she have been so wrong? She thought she had seen all the signs that had been pointing one way, but apparently not.

She could feel tears burn in her eyes as she whispered, trying to keep the accusing tone as far away as possible, but it was proving very hard. “Me telling you I love you gave you such distress you needed Miller?” At the end of the sentence the biting tone had definitely seeped through, and the wince Lexa gave made Clarke feel sorry for her, but she was too upset to apologise.

Lexa nodded, turning to look at Clarke with wide, terrified eyes. She opened her mouth a few times, but closed it again without any sound coming out, before she just looked down at her hands, slumping slightly so her hair covered her face.

Clarke could feel her rage bubbling up, she could see that Lexa was terrified, and she knew Lexa wasn’t good with feelings and things like that, but she thought they were past that, but clearly not. “You don’t even have the decency to explain?!?” Her voice rose automatically as she crawled out of bed. “You just sit there, not saying anything??!!?” She was headed to her drawers to get clothes. “ _You_ ask _me_ out on a date! And fuck me! And give me all these signs! And then when it comes down to it you don’t want me! And you’re so scared to tell me you need Miller to tell you how, but when it comes down to it you just sit there and let me figure it out for myself?!?!”

At that point she turned around and she wished to god she hadn’t, because she saw Lexa, her knees pulled to her chest, her arms wrapped around it, staring at her with big, frightened eyes, but completely motionless except for the tears streaming down her face and her head shaking from side to side. And like that all her anger evaporated, because how could you be angry at Lexa? Her sweet, scared Lexa, who was so tough on the outside, but on the inside she was soft, too soft. Her Lexa, who had never learnt to deal with emotions like this, and when she had gotten better at it thanks to the love of Costia, she had that taken away from her too. How could she expect Lexa to do this if she had never done it before.

She let out a sigh, before sinking down to the ground, copying Lexa’s position, whispering quietly, “I’m sorry.”

At those words Lexa seemed to wake up from the trance she’d been in, she lifted her head slightly, and Clarke winced at the croaky quality of her voice, as she quietly said “don’t be, I deserved it.” She sounded so bitter and self-deprecating that Clarke shook her head, getting out of the position and moved to the side of the bed where Lexa was sitting. Sitting up on her knees, she softly brushed the skin of Lexa’s hand, watching as Lexa turned her head towards the her with fresh tears streaming down her face.

“I’m so sorry, Clarke,” Lexa’s face was set in pained determination, “I just had to go, you saying I love you scared me so much, but not because I don’t want you, but-“ it was getting a little harder to understand Lexa properly because her sobs were increasing, “because what if you didn’t mean it, or what if you found out who I really am and stopped loving me, while I love you so much. I am so scared because I want you to love me so much, but I worry that I don’t deserve you and that you’ll realise.”

After that there was no point in trying to listen, Lexa was crying so hard, and had her forehead on her knees, hiding her face. And Clarke’s heart broke, part of her was angry at herself for assuming the worst, but she knew she shouldn’t be angry, her conclusions hadn’t been farfetched, she just hadn’t known. And of course now she understood that Lexa had needed to talk to Miller, it had been too much and Lexa hadn’t known how to deal with it. But Lexa loved her, that was the part that she was reeling about, that made her stomach flutter, that had her wanting to run outside and yell it to anyone who would hear her. But she could do that later, now the girl she loved was in distress.

Clarke climbed over Lexa on the other side of the girl, wrapping her arms around her shoulder and head, pressing the girl half against her, half on top of her, making soft shushing noises. “Lexa, it’s okay, I understand.”

She gently rocked them slightly, pulling away a little to try and cup Lexa’s face so she could look into those beautiful green eyes. When she did her heart broke, because Lexa looked so lost. “Oh baby,” Clarke pressed a kiss to Lexa’s lips and even though they were a little chapped and wet from crying they were still so soft, and for a second Clarke was distracted by them. “I do love you, so much, I love you, I care for you, I’m absolutely crazy for you. And you do deserve it. You deserve my love, my patience, my time, my anything. You deserve me much more than I deserve you.”

At this a new round of tears came from both girls, but they were happier tears, healing tears. They just lay together for a bit until Lexa slowly started to unwrap her arms from herself to stretch. Clarke gasped. “Lexa, you’re bleeding!”

Lexa looked at the side of her knee and saw a small trickle of blood. “Oh,” she said softly, “I must had dug my nails in a little too hard. Don’t worry about it, I hardly feel it.”

“We can’t just leave it, we need to clean it and put a band aid on it.” Clarke started to move to get up, but was stopped by Lexa wrapping her arms tightly around her.

“Don’t go,” Lexa whispered.

“I’m just going to get my first aid kit, it’s in the bathroom, I’ll be back in a second.” She pressed a kiss to Lexa’s forehead.

When Clarke came back with the kit she could see Lexa relaxing as soon as she came into view, it warmed her heart that she had such an effect on her. She sat down and started cleaning the small scratch and put a band aid on it, finishing with a kiss on top of it. “There all better.” She smiled, looking up at Lexa with a smile.

Clarke crawled back up, wrapping her arms around Lexa and pulling her against her chest, softly stroking her back. She enjoyed the soft hums of appreciation Lexa made. She whispered sweet nothings into the brunette’s hair as Lexa pressed a soft kiss to her skin every now and then.

After a while Clarke wondered, “so does this count as a fight?”

“Why?” Lexa leaned up slightly to look Clarke in the eye.

“Well, I was thinking that if it was a fight, it definitely deserves make up sex.” Clarke grinned as she let her hands travel down to Lexa’s butt and squeezed a cheek, while she brushed the tip of her nose alongside Lexa’s.

Lexa let out a giggle, moving so she was completely on top of Clarke, shaking her head slightly so the tip of her nose brushed against Clarke’s again.

“No?” Clarke asked surprised, and maybe a little disappointed, but that disappointed evaporated quickly as Lexa’s hand cupped her breast.

“Nope, we had sex last night, right now I want to make love to you.”

Clarke let out a barking laugh, that turned into a moan when Lexa moved her fingers to squeeze her nipple. “You’re so corny, making love, who even says that.” Clarke tried to tease, but it didn’t come on as strong since her voice was far too breathy to be able to be considered mocking.

“I do.”

***

“I feel so sleepy,” Clarke let out a yawn as she rolled off Lexa and to her side, so she could keep looking at her.

Lexa laughed at Clarke’s words stretched her arms above her, arching her body to stretch too. She turned on her stomach, hands tucked under her face to keep it up a little as she moved her head to look at Clarke. “It’s your post-orgasmic haze.” She smirked slightly.

“I’d say you look too cocky for your own good, but damn, is it well deserved,” Clarke grinned, and her grin widened even further as she felt Lexa’s lips on her for a soft kiss.

“You didn’t do so bad yourself, miss Griffin.”

“Miss Griffin?” Clarke laughed, “don’t call me that after I just had my fingers inside of you, it makes me sound like a school teacher.”

“Oh miss Griffin, did I get an A+ on my work?” Lexa continued to tease, giggling as she saw Clarke blush a little. But two could play this game.

“Oh no, miss Woods I am afraid not, you’ll have to do extra credit work with me, I’m thinking an oral assignment.”

At those words Lexa turned so red she hid her face in her arms, which caused Clarke to grin, crawling closer to Lexa, wrapping herself around the brunette, her nose brushing the other’s cheek. “Please don’t hide that beautiful face from me.”

Lexa grumbled, “I wanted to be teasingly sexy like you.”

“You don’t have to be embarrassed that I am better at dirtying things up than you. I like that you get flustered so easily, it’s what makes you my cinnamon roll, Lexiloo. Plus, you forget, I have been friends and live with Raven for a long time.”

Lexa lifted her head slightly, peeking up at Clarke with a soft smile, and nodded. “That’s true.”

“Hmmm,” Clarke smiled, brushing the tips of her fingers across Lexa’s spine, grinning when she could feel Lexa shudder slightly. “But I did win, so what’s my prize? Oh I know, winner gets up top.” Clarke quickly moved so she was on top of Lexa, her arms and hands curled up above her head so they were on top of Lexa’s, her cheek resting on Lexa’s shoulder, her breasts pressed against Lexa’s back, and her front pressed to Lexa’s ass.

Lexa giggled, squirming slightly, causing Clarke to gasp as the curve of Lexa’s ass brushed against her clit just right. A jolt of pleasure shot through Clarke’s body, causing her to buck against Lexa’s butt. So she pressed down harder, grinding a little. “Fuck, Lex,” she groaned, letting her legs fall to either side of Lexa’s and sitting up, her hands on Lexa’s shoulder blades to have some grip.

“Clarke, I can feel you, so wet, I want to make you feel good,” Lexa was squirming more insistently now, rotating her hips.

These new angles caused a new round of gasps and moans from Clarke’s lips, she could feel herself so close already. She ground down harder, “fuck, baby you make me feel so good, _so_ fucking good.” Clarke felt her orgasm approaching, which was when she decided she didn’t want to come alone, she forced herself to slow down.

She took one hand and moved it underneath Lexa’s squirming body, letting herself fall forward again so she didn’t have to worry about keeping herself up. She definitely didn’t have the brain capacity to those all those things at once, and right now pleasure was most important, hers and Lexa’s.

She let her fingers slide through Lexa’s folds, causing a loud moan from the girl underneath her as she circled her clit. The fact that Lexa was this excited simply from her getting herself off made her feel so many wonderful things.

“Fuck, babe, you’re so wet for me,” Clarke whispered in Lexa’s ear after biting on her earlobe. Lexa let out a soft whimper at that, bucking her hips up and down as Clarke slid her fingers in.

Clarke moaned at these movements, bucking back down, causing her fingers to sink deeper, and her own clit to grind against Lexa’s cheek in the best way. “Fuck, I’m so close,” she moaned in Lexa’s ear, picking up the pace of her grinding.

“Me too so close, please, Clarke, _please_ ,” Lexa all but begged between ragged breaths, squirming desperately, trying to find a little more friction.

Clarke knew exactly what to do then, she moved her other hand underneath Lexa’s body too, moving them to take a hold of her clit between her thumb and index finger, “don’t worry, baby, I’ve got you,” she moaned in Lexa’s ear, stilling her fingers inside her as she simultaneously used all the force in her legs to buck down, pushing Lexa harder on her fingers and squeezing Lexa’s clit. Which caused Lexa to let out a pleasured whine and her body to completely arch as Clarke could feel her walls tightening around her finger. She experimentally squeezed Lexa’s clit, a little gentler this time and was rewarded with Lexa wailing out her name as her body spasmed underneath her.

The combination of Lexa’s pleasure and her movements caused Clarke’s orgasm to rush over her all at once too. Her entire body went rigid for a second as she could feel the electric feeling of pleasure rush through her, and all she could do was squirm and groan. Until the electric feeling was replaced by a hazy warmth and her entire body just seemed to melt, slumping down over and on top of Lexa.

They lay like this for a few minutes, both trying to catch their breath. “Wow,” Lexa breathed out, bouncing her hips up slightly when she got no response from the girl on top of her. Which turned out to be a mistake as both girls yelped at the sensation of over stimulation.

“Fuck,” Clarke pressed a kiss to Lexa’s shoulder blade, “babe, I’m going to pull my fingers out, okay?”

“hmmm,” Lexa sounded like she didn’t quite manage to be completely coherent.

Clarke smiled, pressing another kiss to her back as she pulled out, moving both hands to Lexa’s shoulders to push herself up. “I truly made a mess I think,” she said as she could feel herself sliding on top of Lexa’s butt. “I should clean you up a little.” That’s when she saw her fingers still wet, and without thinking she drew a heart on Lexa’s back.

“Clarke!” Lexa giggled, “what are you doing?”

“I’m drawing a heart, OH!” Clarke jumped up from Lexa excitedly. “I have the best idea, Lex, you just stay put and I’ll get something to clean you up and stuff.”

Clarke had already run out of the bedroom when she heard Lexa call out, “what do you mean ‘and stuff’, Clarke? Clarke!?”

Clarke skipped back into the room with a paper towel, gently wiping Lexa’s back clean.

“I brought my painting stuff. Can I paint on your back?”

“What?”

“Please?”

“Are you being serious?”

“Of course, you would look so good, and it would really help me too because remember that painting from last night, I can’t seem to get it right, but I don’t know why. This will help me. Please, please please please?”

Lexa laughed, “how can I say no to those blue, begging, puppy dog eyes?”

“You can’t,” Clarke grinned.

***

“Lex! Try and stay still, for god’s sake.” Clarke let out a soft chuckle.

“You try and stay still when someone is tickling you with brushes,” Lexa huffed.

“You’re right, babe, I’m sorry, you’re doing great. I’m almost done.”

“What are you making, it had better be good, because this is taking forever.”

“Don’t you like me touching you like this?” Clarke teasingly leaned back a little, resting her pencil on Lexa’s butt in front of her as her hands gripped the girl’s upper thighs.

“You know I do,” Lexa squirmed a little.

“Then stay still a little longer and I’ll show you.” Clarke chastised playfully.

After a few more strokes Clarke decided she was finished. “There,” she said, “all done. You wait one second okay, I just need to grab something.”

Clarke came back and got up on the bed, standing over Lexa as she tried to frame the photo correctly before taking the shot. Immediately a picture rolled out of her polaroid. She jumped off the bed, putting her camera down, shaking the picture. She was about to show it to Lexa when she heard the brunette laugh. She turned to look at the other girl an eyebrow raised in question.

“You are covered in splattered paint,” Lexa snorted in response.

At that Clarke looked down, “so I am,” she laughed quietly as well. “Want to see how I maimed your back?”

Lexa nodded excitedly, slowly moving to sit up straight. Her mouth dropped as Clarke showed her the picture. “Clarke,” she said softly, “it’s beautiful,” she let her finger trace the edges of the galaxy Clarke had created on her back.

“You like it?”

“Like it? I love it.”

Clarke grinned widely at those words, “yeah, it’s pretty good,” she tried to sound casual, before seeing Lexa’s stare and she agreed, “okay it’s pretty damn great.”

“It really is,” Lexa wrapped her arms around Clarke and pressed a kiss to her lips, “my own masterpiece by my favourite, talented artist,” she mused.

“Too bad this masterpiece is going down the drain.”

“What? No!” Lexa let out an indignant cry.

Clarke laughed, “Lex, it’s on your back, you need to shower, it’s going to wash right off.”

“Ohh right,” Lexa looked a little dejected, and it made Clarke feel warm and fuzzy, she pulled the other girl into a hug.

“I’ll do it again another time, and we still have the picture.” She offered consolingly.

“Yeah, you’re right, it’s just so lovely.”

Clarke smiled, getting up and taking Lexa’s hand. “As is the girl who is the canvas, now come and shower, milady, I’ll make it worth your while.”


	22. Epilogue

**_6 months later_ **

“Clarke, Clarke stop!” Lexa let out a giggling shriek as she tried to push the blonde away from her chest and out of the spray of water of the shower. “We need to go, or we’ll be late.”

“Lex, I don’t want to go!” Clarke pouted, stepping back under the spray and pushing Lexa with her back against the wall, her lips attached to that spot on the brunette’s neck that made her go crazy. It worked, obviously and Clarke grinned smugly to herself.

“Fuck, Clarke.” Clarke could feel Lexa’s nails dig into her shoulders, pulling her closer, her back arched so Clarke had more room. Clarke’s smile turned impossibly wider as she moved her kisses up Lexa’s neck and jaw, all the way to her mouth.

“hmmm, yeah babe,” Clarke murmured against Lexa’s lips before sliding her tongue over Lexa’s lips and kissing her passionately, while her hands moved to grip one of Lexa’s leg and wrap it around her waist as she pressed harder into her. Lexa had moved her hands up, wrapped in Clarke’s blonde curls, returning the kiss with as much enthusiasm only to pull away far too soon if you’d ask Clarke.

“Oh no,” Lexa laughed, shaking her head when she saw Clarke leaning back in trying to resume their kiss. She was stopped by Lexa pulling on her hair slightly, not hard, but enough to make sure she didn’t start kissing again. “You can’t start kissing me again, Clarke. It’s not fair.”

“You stopping me from kissing you is what’s unfair,” Clarke huffed.

“Clarke,” Lexa’s voice had taken a softer quality, exactly the kind of tone Clarke was trying to avoid. “We really have to go, we still have to get dressed, do our hair and makeup.”

“We don’t, you look great just like this, and I’m not going. Which by my amazing calculations means we definitely still have about 20 minutes of fun time.” Clarke tried her best seductive smile and wiggling eyebrows, but she herself could tell her smile was a little off, and if she could tell, then Lexa could definitely tell. She could tell Lexa knew by the way the brunette cupped her cheek and pressed a soft kiss to her lips before taking her hand and pulling her out of the shower.

She smiled to herself as she felt Lexa wrap a big, soft, fluffy towel around her from behind. She loved taking care of Lexa, but she loved it when Lexa took care of her too; the little things, like how Lexa always made sure she’d eat three meals a day no matter what, but the big things too like going with her to her father’s grave on his birthday. Lexa just made everything a hundred times better, even now with nerves making her stomach feel like it had been doing backflips for hours feeling Lexa’s arms around her made it better.

“I know you’re nervous, babes, but it’s going to be great, you’ll see.” Lexa pressed a kiss to her shoulder and headed into the bedroom, wrapped in a towel of her own. That’s when Clarke’s defiant streak came on.

“You don’t know that, Lexa.” She muttered, following Lexa, but instead of standing next to her girlfriend deciding what to wear she let herself fall face forward onto the bed.

“I do, because I know you, and you’re an amazing artist.”

“No offense, but you’re not exactly an art critic, plus you love me so you’re biased.” Clarke huffed, turning her head slightly so she could observe Lexa in her towel.

“Don’t forget I am also the subject.” Lexa grinned with a wink.

“Oh my god, you’re right!” Clarke shot up, staring at Lexa in shock, “I can’t believe a word that comes out of your mouth about this.”

“Clarke,” Lexa sounded kind of exasperated, but when Clarke looked up all she could see was affection and worry, with maybe a tiny bit of amused exasperation in the mix. “I wouldn’t lie to you.” She cupped Clarke’s face, pressing a kiss to her lips. “Now go choose what you are going to wear and then we can do your hair after.”

Clarke nodded, she stood staring at her closet, but her thoughts weren’t on her clothes, they were on her show, and what people were going to say. “Lex?” She said quietly, not looking at Lexa as she talked, “what if they don’t like them?”

“They will,” Lexa replied simply, continuing getting dressed.

Clarke turned around to face the other girl, her eyes big as she tried to implore the importance with her eyes alone. “But what if they _don’t_?”

“Then they’re idiots.”

“Lexa,” Clarke rolled her eyes in annoyance, “I’m being serious, can you at least try to give a serious answer?”

Lexa stopped dressing herself half way through, her shirt only half on as she walked over to Clarke, pulling her down to sit next to her on the bed. “Clarke, where is this coming from? You know your pieces are good, you know I love them. You were bragging that _after this show I’d never have to work again and you’d be my sugar daddy_ just last week. Were you this nervous for your previous show?”

“No,” Clarke muttered as she rested her head on Lexa’s shoulder, enjoying the warm feeling she got as she felt Lexa wrapping her arm around her and pulling her closer, “but last time it was mostly old work, I was nervous about my newest stuff,“ _my pieces about you_ , was what she actually meant, but didn’t say. “But they were surrounded by stuff I already knew people liked.”

“Clarke, people will love your new work too, the lady from the gallery loved it, _loved it._ Remember how ecstatic she was?”

“Yeah,” Clarke smiled, thinking back to that moment, she had been nervous then too, but Lexa had been with her and it had all worked out. “Okay so maybe it won’t be so bad.” She turned to look at the clock and gasped, “or maybe it will! Lexa we are so fucking late! We have like an hour and I still need to decide what to wear and do my hair and makeup. I will be so late! It’s not cool for an artist to not even be there for her own show, fuck!”

Clarke jumped up and ran around frantically, racing to her closet, pulling out clothes haphazardly, when Lexa stopped her. “Clarke, calm down, we won’t be late.”

“Yes we will, at least half an hour, I need to call her.”

“Clarke, stop,” Lexa had taken Clarke’s phone from her so she had to look at the brunette.

“How can you be this calm?” Clarke accused, “usually you’re the one stressing out. Why not now?”

“I set your clock half an hour forward so we’d have some extra time,” Lexa explained, “don’t look at me like that, I could feel your freak out coming last night, and I knew you’d try to avoid it and delay the inevitable. This way you could do a bit of that and we’d still be on time.”

***

“Oh honey, they’re all beautiful,”

“Yeah, you think?” Clarke smiled at her mother’s words, returning her embrace.

“Absolutely, and two shows in one year, you’re definitely on your way to becoming a renowned artist now. I hope you can keep the same pace,” her mom teased her gently, “but I suppose that won’t be a problem as long as you have your muse.”

Clarke’s lips quirked into a smile as she looked across the room at Lexa, who was talking to Marcus. “Yeah, I suppose she is my muse,” Clarke mused, more to herself than her mother. “Do you think dad would have been okay with it?”

“Clarke, you know your father, do you really have to ask?”

Clarke looked down, shrugging slightly, “I think I do,”

“Okay,” Abby let out a sigh, “well we have about fifteen minutes before the door open so we better make it quick. What are you asking exactly, would Jake have been okay with what?”

“I don’t know, with everything,”

“Clarke…”

“Mom, I don’t know, never mind, I don’t even know why I’m asking.” Clarke let out a sigh, wrapping her arms around herself as if to keep from falling apart. What was she doing? She couldn’t blame her mother for being exasperated, she was exasperated with herself, even Lexa had been exasperated with her earlier, and that never happened. “I’m just being stupid, it’s the nerves. I’m going to go to the bathroom real quick, I’ll be right back.”

Just like that Clarke was fleeing her own show, heading straight past the bathroom and out of the emergency exit employees used to smoke a quick cigarette. It was cold out, and she was shivering in seconds, and she just stood there with no idea what to do. Why was everything hitting her so hard right now? She was being stupid, asking questions about her dad, when she knew it would only get herself and her mom upset, worrying about her paintings, about Lexa. She was making things difficult when this should be just a happy night, she should be enjoying every minute.

Clarke startled when she felt arms wrap around her from behind, putting a jacket over her shoulders at the same time.

“Hey, you, everything alright?”

Clarke turned around with a smile, about to say ‘of course’ but instead when she saw those worried green eyes she started crying, throwing her arms around Lexa’s neck and burying her face against her shoulder.

“Shit, Clarke, what’s wrong?” Lexa whispered anxiously, wrapping her arms around Clarke in instinct, holding her close. Clarke just shook her head.

“It’s okay, I’ve got you,” Lexa whispered, resting the side of her head on top of Clarke’s, keeping her close as she swayed them slightly.

After a few minutes Clarke felt Lexa gently pulling her away a little so she could look at Clarke, using her thumbs to wipe the tears away. “Clarke, please talk to me,” she begged.

Clarke nodded, seeing the lost look in Lexa’s eyes. “I’m scared,” she whispered, which was true, though she couldn’t even tell what she was scared of.

“Isn’t that supposed to be my line?”

Clarke couldn’t help but smile through her tears, swatting Lexa’s shoulder, “don’t be an asshole, Lexa.”

“You’re right, I’m sorry, it’s just Marcus pointed out to me that I have a lot to be scared of tonight.”

Lexa’s voice was soft and smiling, Clarke felt herself calm down a little. She knew she needed to talk about her fears, but not now, now she wanted to focus on Lexa and her art. “Yeah?”

“Oh yes,” Lexa tucked a strand of hair behind Clarke’s ear, “he pointed out how I was basically naked about a dozen times, naked and vulnerable, and people were going to see every little detail and have an opinion about me, my body, my posture, basically everything; people will form their opinions about me and there is nothing I can do about it.”

Clarke blinked a few times, that was what she was scared of too, not of Lexa being judged, though now that she thought about it she was scared about that too, but people drawing their own, wrong, conclusions about her art, about her. It’s why she had needed to know for sure her dad would have been proud of her. She knew her mom and Lexa were, and if her dad was too then she could probably handle anything. “That’s how I feel too.” She said quietly, nuzzling Lexa’s neck.

“You don’t say,” Lexa smirked.

“I can hear your damned smirk without even looking at your face. Are you using your therapeutic voodooshit on me?” Clarke pulled away and raised her eyebrows demandingly.

“Come on, can you blame me?” Lexa grabbed Clarke’s hand and pulled her back in her arms, where Clarke immediately relaxed a little again, “you were feeling miserable, I want to help. I’d do anything to help you.”

“Anything?”

“Anything,” Lexa confirmed, which made Clarke feel all warm inside, it made her brave enough to ask something she really wanted to hear, but felt silly for asking.

“Remember when you told me you felt cared for when I called you baby? Could you do that for me, please?”

She couldn’t bear to look at Lexa, her cheeks burning with embarrassment. Because who even asked for that? But Lexa cupped her cheeks, making her look into those green eyes that showed nothing but love and caring, that showed she understood. She could feel those pink plump lips pressed to hers in a quick soft kiss, before those soft, kind, green eyes captured her gaze again. “Everything is going to be alright, baby.” Lexa whispered.

Clarke closed her eyes, trying to absorb the words, feeling herself shiver, putting her hands over Lexa’s on her face, forcing them to stay there. But apparently Lexa wasn’t done, “it’s okay, baby, I love you, I’m here.”

The words were so much like what Clarke told Lexa after a nightmare, and so filled with love and adoration that they almost hurt Clarke to hear them. She needed to hear it, she could feel that she did, but she felt so guilty, she was supposed to be the strong one, taking care of Lexa. She bit her lip, trying not to cry.

Until Lexa whispered that it was okay, “it’s okay to cry, you taught me that, see?” Lexa moved one of her hands to her own cheek, and Clarke opened her eyes, looking at Lexa’s face as their hands wiped a few stray tears from the brunette’s cheek.

“I’m sorry,” Clarke whispered, “I’m supposed to be the strong one.”

Lexa smiled, shaking her head, “you are the strong one, I’ve just been growing stronger too thanks to you.” Clarke felt Lexa kiss her forehead, “and right now I can be strong for the both of us. You don’t have to do everything alone anymore, you’ve got me now. I’ll carry some of your burden.”

Clarke nodded, feeling calmer already, she didn’t even understand what was happening, why she had been so afraid, and of what. All she knew was that Lexa would take care of her, that she had someone to fall back on without fear of backlash. And that’s when she almost gasped in shock, because that’s what she had never had. Someone who she could tell her fears to that would help her carry it. With Finn she hadn’t talked about it, he just thought it was stupid and would use it against her in some way. But Lexa could and would do that for her.

“Let’s get you cleaned up so the doors can go open and all our friends can stare at my ass without it being weird.”

* * *

 

“Is it weird see people staring at your naked body all around?”

“Hmmm?” Lexa was walking around the exhibition with her sister, but honestly she was more focussed on Clarke. She was worried about her girlfriend; she had seen Clarke sad or scared before, but nothing like tonight. And if Lexa was honest she had no idea how to handle it, she felt completely out of her debt. She tried of course, but she had never had to be the strong one, or at least not while also acknowledging what you felt. And with Clarke that was the only possibility; Lexa couldn’t go back to trying not to feel. So here she was, thrown in the deep without knowing for sure how to swim.

“I asked if it’s weird that all these people know what you look like naked.” Anya repeated, tugging on Lexa’s arm.

“Uhm, well not really I guess,” Lexa replied, “to be honest I forget it’s me in those photos most of the time.”

Anya let out a laugh, “what the fuck, Lex, how can you forget? Her painting your back and then the photos that took hours and hours.”

Lexa shrugged, “I never really see my own back, plus when I look at the photos I mostly just see the paintings she made,” Lexa was staring at one of her favourite ones, where she had the tops of a giant forest on her back.

“God, you are so loved up,” Anya snorted, Lexa was about to answer when she felt an arm wrap around her shoulder.

“I know right, it’s disgusting.” Raven said with a grin. “Though you have an amazing body, Cinnabon, I’ll ask Clarke if she can’t do front body painting for the next show.”

“Oh god no,” Anya interjected, “I don’t want to see that.”

Right as Anya and Raven gotten into an argument whether or not Clarke should do some front shots of Lexa next time, Lexa excused herself from their conversation because she saw Miller walking in.

“Miller,” she smiled, “I’m glad you made it.”

“Of course,” he smiled back, “I like art, plus all your talking about Clarke’s work made me very curious.”

“Could I give you a tour?” If she was honest, Lexa really wanted to talk to Miller, but she felt like that really wouldn’t be appropriate right now.

“Sure,” he smiled, “how about we talk first though,”

“Talk?” Squeaked Lexa.

“Talk,” confirmed Miller, “Lexa, I know you, something is up, you’re worried.”

“But, it’s your night off,” Lexa felt kind of guilty, she really wanted to, that was the worst part. Miller helped her see things from a different perspective. “I don’t want to bother you.”

“Lexa, I offered. I mean I can go outside and you can call me if that works better, same thing.” He teased slightly.

Lexa laughed, shaking her head. “Fine, we’ll talk, while I’m showing you the paintings though.”

So that’s what they did, Lexa told stories about the paintings for a bit, before telling what happened that afternoon and just before the opening.

“I don’t know what to do or how to help her. She said she is supposed to be the strong one, and she is right, she is. She is so much better at it than I am.”

“What did you say when she said that?” Miller asked, examining the photograph where Lexa had a sunset over the ocean on her back.

“Well I said something like that she helped me get strong too and that she didn’t have to do everything alone anymore.”

Miller nodded at her words, turning to Lexa with a smile. “Exactly.”

“Exactly?” Lexa watched Miller move to the next photo and followed him, “what is that supposed to mean? _Exactly_?”

“Just that. Exactly.”

“Miller,” Lexa was getting frustrated, “you’re supposed to help me.”

“I am,” he confirmed.

“I don’t understand,” Lexa confessed.

“Sure you do,”

“I don’t, I just told you what I told Clarke and you say ‘exactly’. How does that make any sense?” That’s when Lexa thought she got it, “do you mean to say you think what I said was right?”

“Sure do,” Miller confirmed, pointing to the photograph where Lexa had the night sky on her back, all dark blues with some lighter specks for stars. “I like this one.”

“You like this one?” Lexa stared at him, “that’s what you have to say for yourself?”

“Sure do,” Miller grinned, seeing Lexa’s frustration.

“Stop saying that, do you know how ridiculous you sound?”

“Sure-“

“Don’t you dare!” Lexa had her finger in front of her, glaring at Miller when she felt an arm wrap around her waist.

“Hey babe, hey Miller,”

Lexa felt herself relax as she leaned a little into Clarke, muttering a soft hello as Miller shook her hand.

“Everything okay over here? It looked like you two were having an intense conversation.” Clarke wondered.

“Just a difference of opinion,” Miller offered. “I love all the pieces, Clarke, but I think this one might be my favourite.” He pointed to the night sky.

“Yeah, I like that one too, though I love all of them. What do you think?”

Clarke gently nudged Lexa, trying to pull her back to the conversation. Lexa blushed slightly, she had been sulking mostly. “My favourite isn’t here,” she confessed.

“It isn’t?” Miller asked in surprise, “how come?”

Clarke grinned, pressing a kiss to Lexa’s cheek, “you’re going to like this Miller, because it’s all thanks to you.”

Miller raised a brow, looking at Lexa for an explanation. Lexa swallowed, but couldn’t help but smile as she thought back to that morning.

“Do you remember that morning I called you, because Clarke said something-“

“Because I said I love you.” Clarke interjected.

“Because Clarke said I love you in her sleep?” Lexa acquiesced, when Miller nodded she continued, “well when I got home we got into a fight/talk/whatever you want to call it, but after that Clarke wanted to paint my back and she made this beautiful galaxy. That’s my favourite.”

Clarke grinned back at Miller, “pretty good story, right? Especially since that eventually lead to this. So I suppose in a way this is all thanks to you.”

Miller shook his head though he did smile. “Nothing thanks to me, all I did was tell Lexa what she already knew.”

“Which is?” Lexa challenged, still feeling a little annoyed with him.

“That you needed to talk to her and that you were worthy of being loved.” Miller answered simply.

The words almost knocked the air out of Lexa, she stared at him wide-eyed, but was pulled back to the present by Clarke, who was grinning and cupping her cheek, forcing Lexa to look at her and she pressed a kiss to her lips before turning back to Miller.

“Somehow you made her believe it though, though I know Lexa did most of the work,” Lexa felt Clarke squeeze her hand gently. “Just today when I was a total mess she helped me get grounded and stopped me from falling apart.” Lexa turned to look at Clarke only to see that her girlfriend was staring at her so lovingly Lexa couldn’t help but stare back, it was impossible to look away. “And she has always done that, but this time she believed that she could. She told me so.”

Lexa flushed, muttering, “Clarke, stop, you’re embarrassing me.” Clarke just laughed, pressing a kiss to her cheek.

“Alright, I’m sorry. I’m just going to go and leave you two be. It was great to see you, Miller. And if you want something done for your office or something, just let me know.”

“See?” Miller asked when Clarke had gone and mingled with the other guests.

“She said I stopped her from falling apart,” Lexa was still reeling from Clarke’s words.

“She did,” Miller confirmed, “and do you think she was lying?”

“No,” Lexa said immediately, that she knew for sure; Clarke had been 100% genuine.

“I didn’t think so,” Miller agreed happily.

“I’m sorry,” Lexa apologised; now she felt bad for having been angry with Miller.

“No need to be sorry, Lexa.” Miller replied, “it’s how these things go.”

“I wish they didn’t, and I wish you weren’t right all the time, I always feel bad after being angry with you.”

Miller laughed, “I’m simply translating what you tell me Lexa, so in fact you are right all the time. Or better said part of you is right, and the part of you that always criticises yourself is proven wrong. But that’s hard to accept when you’ve believed that part to be right for about 20 years.”

“Yeah, I guess,” Lexa sighed, “I’m glad I decided not to cause you a mental break down.”

“You and me both, Lexa.” Miller winked, “let’s see some more art of that talented girlfriend of yours.”

***

Lexa was just heading to the bathroom when she felt a familiar hand grabbing hers and pulling her along.

“Clarke? Where are we going?” She laughed as Clarke simply shushed her putting her finger to her lips and tugged her along towards the dark hallway.

As soon as they were out of the main gallery Clarke pulled Lexa against her, pushing her backwards until Lexa was pressed between Clarke and the wall. Clarke cupped Lexa’s neck, kissing her hungrily. Lexa couldn’t help but kiss back, even though she was wondering what this was for. It wasn’t until Clarke had moved to her neck and had her hands slide up underneath Lexa’s shirt that Lexa tried to slow Clarke down.

“Clarke,” Lexa panted, putting her hands over Clarke’s.

Clarke looked up into Lexa’s eyes with joy and mischief, “I sold one of my pieces, for almost twice as much as I expected.”

“Clarke, that’s wonderful!” Lexa wrapped her arms around Clarke, pressing a soft kiss to her cheek, “I’m so proud of you, I knew you could do it,” she told the blonde.

Clarke nodded, turning her head so she could brush her nose along Lexa’s cheek. “I know you did, which is why I am trying to have celebratory/thank you sex with you.”

“Clarke, we can’t, this is your show, your party.”

“Exactly, which means I can do what I want to.” Clarke started pressing kisses along Lexa’s neck.

“I think it’s cry if you want to.” Lexa tried to keep her voice level, but she could feel Clarke’s lips morph into a smile against her skin so she knew she was failing at that.

“I have been known to cry out with an orgasm, they never specified the type of crying.”

Lexa chuckled, “I guess I have no choice then,” Lexa grinned, lifting Clarke up slightly and switching places with her as Clarke wrapped her legs around Lexa’s waist, so Clarke was pressed against the wall. Lexa started kissing along Clarke’s throat and collar bone, her fingers digging into Clarke’s thighs. “If you want to go all out we need to move to somewhere a little more secluded,” Lexa panted against Clarke’s skin.

“Breakroom,” Clarke whispered as she moved her hands through Lexa’s hair.

Lexa carried Clarke towards the breakroom, which took decidedly longer than necessary since both of them kept distracting each other with kisses and touches and just teasing each other. By the time they reached the breakroom they were both panting and on edge. Only to freeze when they opened the door.

“Oh my god!” Lexa almost dropped Clarke, who was facing away from the room so couldn’t see the scene in front of her.

“What? What?” Clarke squirmed, turning her head over her shoulder to see what Lexa was so in shock about, “oh my god!”

“Well if you two are just going to stand there throw me my bra.” Raven grinned leaning on her elbows off the breakroom table, all relaxed smiles and easy jokes while Bellamy had ducked out of sight.

Lexa looked down only to see that Raven’s bra was actually next to her feet. She let Clarke go in order to bend down, pick it up and toss it to Raven.

“How did your bra even get here when you’re still wearing your shirt?” Lexa wondered.

“It’s the Blake magic, right Bellamy?” Raven smirked, moving her hand and pulling Bellamy up by his hair.

“Raven, ow you’re hurting me!”

“Come on, you usually love it when I do that,” Raven smirked, which caused Bellamy to groan and hide his face in his hands.

“Ew, I didn’t need to know that,” Lexa muttered. “Why are you even here?”

“Same reason you and Clarke are I suspect,” Bellamy said with his arms crossed, sulking.

“What can I say, Cinnabon. Looking at your fine physique just got Bel and me so hot,” Raven laughed.

“What?” Came from the three other people in the room, which caused Raven to raise her hands in surrender, “I kid, I kid.”

“Well, we’re just going to go,” Clarke said, taking hold of Lexa’s hand.

“No need, me and Bel were just done anyways,” Raven shrugged, taking Bellamy’s hand and skipping out of the room.”

“Yeah that’s definitely not happening,” said Clarke as she turned around and pulled Lexa along, who was definitely relieved that she didn’t have to express the same sentiment to Clarke. “I know a better place anyway, come.” Clarke pressed a kiss to Lexa’s lips and tugged her along.

***

They lay in bed that night, Lexa on her back with Clarke pressed against her side and her head on Lexa’s chest. Lexa was gently stroking Clarke’s back, following the curve of her spine. She felt so happy and calm. “I wish we could capture this moment just as it is.” She said quietly to a sleepy Clarke.

“Why?” Clarke mumbled sleepily.

“Because it’s perfect.” Lexa replied honestly.

This caused Clarke to lift her head, looking at Lexa with curious eyes. “Why is it perfect?”

Lexa shrugged, “I don’t know, it just is. It’s hard to explain.”

“Try,” Clarke urged, scooting up a little so she could lay her head on the pillow beside Lexa.

Lexa moved to her side as well, mirroring Clarke so they were front-to-front on their side, pondering Clarke’s request. “I don’t know, I guess it’s everything together. You just had the opening of your new show, which everyone is raving about.” Clarke rolled her eyes and Lexa nudged her nose gently to Clarke’s, “don’t do that, it was a success.”

“Fine,” Clarke let out a sift giggle, “people did seem to like it.”

“seemed to like it,” Lexa scoffed, “you sold three pieces already.” Clarke just nodded and smiled, urging her to go on.

“And I don’t know,” Lexa looked away for a second, unsure if she should tell Clarke, but by now she had learned that whenever she wondered if she should talk about something, she definitely should. “I’m happy I could help you today, when you were worried.” She admitted, “I wasn’t sure if I could.”

She saw Clarke’s expression move from attentive listening to love as she leaned a little closer, kissing Lexa softly, “I’m so happy you could help me too, even though I knew you could, and it makes me happy that you know that now too.”

“Yeah,” Lexa whispered a little breathlessly, “I’m just happy, right now in this moment I wouldn’t change a single thing. Because everything that happened led to me lying here with you. I love you so much.”

“I love you too, baby.” Clarke whispered as she stroked Lexa’s cheek and moving closer and cuddling into Lexa, wrapping her arms around the brunette, after making sure Lexa did the same to her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We made it, you guys!  
> Who would have thought that this would happen back in the beginning when this was supposed a 4 chapter story.  
> Anyway I hope you guys like it, you guys commenting and stuff has definitely been a big help in finishing. Let me know what you think, I am always curious to know your opinions.
> 
> Oh and I started a new story (a lot less angsty and more romcom than this one) it's a the prince and me AU. I would love it if you'd check it out. So if you want to you can clock [Here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7640914/chapters/17396671)


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